2005: A Year in Review

Sparked by Crista's year in review, I decided to make myself find the time to do the same. It's been quite the year! I just couldn't stick to only one sentence, but here it is:

January 2005: Bad Dreams Again...
I slept horribly last night. The people upstairs had a party while we were out, and I guess they decided 1-2AM was a great time to clean up after it. All the thumping and heavy-footed walking made it extremely difficult for me to sleep. I had a lot of dreams (which explains why I feel terrible today - I obviously had poor quality sleep). The most vivid was another one of those things that tends to come with pregnancy, but it was just plain horrible.

February 2005: Sick :(
I knew it was coming. I had an earache over the weekend and I haven't had one of those in a while. I've been a lot more tired than usual, too. And sure enough, I woke up (if you can call it that since I didn't sleep too well to begin with) in the middle of the night with post-nasal drip, a sore throat, and congestion.

March 2005: Appointment Today
I got to leave work after only an hour to run off for another ultrasound today. It was supposed to be because the tech didn't get all the measurements she needed and so she could get a better look at the heart, but she claimed today that she had all the measurements she needed. (This comes back to bite her in the end...)

April 2005: I Should Have Known Better
Yesterday was crib shopping day with Mom.

May 2005: Difference Of Opinion
All weekend long, Brian talked about how he wants a house. He wants more space. He wants to move. He doesn't want to live where we do anymore. But most especially, he doesn't want to rent anymore.

June 2005: Dressing Up The Pup
We have a lot of fun with our dog, Becky. Besides taking her just about everywhere with us, she's sort of like having a furry little kid. She loves her people, in spite of the things we make her endure. Like dressing her up.

July 2005: Amnesia
I realized today that, for the life of me, I could not recall the pain of true labor that I had near the end.

August 2005: Just As Predicted... [UPDATED]
1) Maggie did not sleep through the night last night. The previous 2 nights must have been a fluke. We were back to waking up around 3:30AM and then 7AM. At least I knew to expect it...
2) I don't want to return to work.

September 2005: Doing Well...and Not
Maggie is doing very well at daycare. She's happy to be there and I hear their biggest problem is that she smiles too much when they feed her. She has quickly become a favorite of much of the staff (at least, that's what I've been told).

October 2005: A Day At The Fair
Margaret went to her first fair today. It was actually my birthday present since Brian isn't a fan of fairs (doesn't like the smell of the animals). Since it was my birthday, though, he agreed to go.

November 2005: Back To Normal
Sorry to leave everyone hanging like that! It got to be quite a busy week!
Tuesday Margaret started acting more like her old self again. Smiles were abundant and she was in a playful mood. It came just in time, as I wasn't sure how much more I could take of the changeling child we had.

December 2005: Time Flies
I have been so busy, I actually *forgot* I had a blog! Hard to believe, I know, but it's true!

I contemplated going against the trend and posting my messages from the end of every month instead of the beginning. :D But it's nice to go back and see how I put the last year into words. We've come so far, and have so much to be thankful for. I can only hope that next year is even better, for all of us!

A Lesson in Baby Carriers

Kat's question got me thinking. Most people probably aren't familiar with the vast opportunities available in the world of baby-wearing. (And no, I'm not talking about some weird fashion trend...)

The best source for info on baby-wearing is http://thebabywearer.com. That's where I found my info on how to make a pouch and ring sling when I set off on those ventures back in the spring. Since Margaret wasn't fond of either, however, I researched my other options this fall. That's how I stumbled upon mei tais, which are probably my favorite baby carrier.

Mei tais (which are pronounced may tie, or may die, depending on the source) work somewhat like the familiar Bjorns and Snuglis in that the baby is supported in an upright position against your body. However, these are based on traditional Asian Baby Carriers, so they're a much older design (read: no buckles; these babies tie onto you). Mei tais traditionally are for front and back carries, but they can also be used to carry a toddler on your hip. They consist of long shoulder straps that you wrap around you and baby, and a pair of waist straps to close in the bottom of the panel.

I also have an onbuhimo, another traditional Asian Baby Carrier (ABC). This has long shoulder straps like the mei tai, but instead of waist straps, there are rings on the sides that you thread the shoulder straps through before knotting them. These traditionally were used for back carries only. I know of people who have used them for front carries, but it seems a bit awkward. A mei tai would be much quicker for a front carry, although an onbu can be faster for a back carry.

Here are the others in my collection of ABCs:

Red mod dots Baby Hawk extra tall mei tai with red minkee lining and (extra long) black straps:


Succulent Dahlia Blooms Baby Hawk onbuhimo with sage minkee lining and black straps (sans baby...Margaret was asleep when I was able to get a picture of it):


And of course, the one in my original post. My goldfish custom framed Nestlings mei tai with natural (extra long) straps:


Just like anything else, these can become an addiction. Brian still thinks they're a frivalous expenditure. However, with how happy they make Margaret during her fussy moments (which occur *every* day lately), they've been worth every penny!

Excuses, Excuses

I know, I know. I've been MIA for a while now. Being a mom is much more time-consuming than I ever thought it would be...I have no idea how I will manage when I am a mom of two!

Margaret's sleep habits have gone down hill again. She's still battling a cold, which is directly to blame for her more frequent middle-of-the-night wakings. And some days she does great with her naps (2 1.5-2 hour naps), but most days, she barely manages 3 45-minute naps. The combination of her poor sleeping habits, with her recent clinginess, has turned me into a sort of AP mom. I never planned on being crunchy, it's just sort of happened. I spend much of our evenings together with her in a mei tai or onbuhimo carrier on my back. She's content to be there, and prefers that I actually do something with her on my back (like wash dishes or do laundry) than just sit around. So it helps in that I manage to get some things done around the house, but I never imagined it would be this way.

(Here's an example of one of my mei tais, but with her on the front)


Which is funny. I've always been a planner. I intended to do things a certain way. Then I learned to listen to Margaret's cues, and since I started to go with the flow, things have turned out entirely differently than I planned. But it works for us so that's all that matters. I don't mind being a bit of a hippy chick if it makes my baby happy. :)

Margaret's trying earnestly to crawl. When she does actually get on her hands and knees, she goes backwards instead of forwards. But she can spin a mean circle on the floor, as well as roll to just about anywhere she wants to get. I suppose it's time to finish baby-proofing. She's mobile!

We do have exciting news to share! My SIL will be getting married at a Sandals resort on Antigua in February. And they are bringing us to witness the event (and get a little R&R!). This includes Margaret!! Brian isn't as enthused as I would like him to be. We do prefer cold weather to hot, and he would rather spend time in February skiing than sitting on a tropical beach. But there aren't many opportunities like this in life. And I would so love to see Margaret enjoy the beach and ocean! We've never been to the Caribbean before so I'm really looking forward to this event! :)

Other than that, just day to day life here. We're planning on moving in the spring to a bigger apartment...and quite possibly, to Vermont if we can find a way. We've dreamt of moving "up North" for years now and we may have enough money to at least make the move possible (to an apartment), if we can find jobs. That's problematic since Brian doesn't have a college degree, and I only have an Associate's. I'm really hoping that we can make it work, though. It would be so wonderful to live where there's cleaner air and less people!

12 Days and Counting...

Are there really less than 2 weeks left until Christmas? I've barely even started my shopping! I feel so disorganized this year...and I hate being disorganized. My own living space drives me crazy due to the apparent whirlwind that has gone crashing through here. I washed dipes and baby clothes 2 days ago and still haven't had a chance to fold and put them away. Now that Margaret's asleep, here goes another night in trying to attempt that task. And I know there's important paperwork on the kitchen table somewhere... I think... At least, that's if my memory isn't failing me yet again. Who knew I would lose my mind?

Margaret now consistently sleeps 7PM to 6:30AM... but has a huge cranky meltdown hour between 5 and 6PM every night. Now that Brian is working his winter 2nd job again, I'm on my own Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and all day Saturday. Tonight, she was crankier than usual. It was an extremely difficult evening. But at least she was asleep by 7. Do they ever outgrow this? Apparently, she's wonderful all day long...but by the time I get her, she's had enough and can't contain herself anymore. I'm sure she's just not napping enough and that's the problem. But I'm not sending her to bed any earlier... I think 11.5 hours of sleep is certainly within the realm of normal. I'm even a little jealous. Even though she goes to bed early and sleeps through the night, I still am up past 11PM every night trying to get all the things done that I can't do when she's awake.

Time Flies

I have been so busy, I actually *forgot* I had a blog! Hard to believe, I know, but it's true!

We started sleep training a little over a week ago. It's based on this book, Good Night, Sleep Tight ... (the title is incredibly long!). I was skeptical at first, but Margaret's sleep has vastly improved. Part of our problem was that we were keeping her up too late at night. Once we shifted her to an earlier bedtime, amazingly she started sleeping through the night again. Well, there were 2 nights that she woke up in the middle of the night - but she went back to sleep quickly. The book also addresses early wakings, and how to get your child to sleep later. Again, I was a skeptic. Margaret started waking between 5 and 6AM when we started this system. But somehow, it's like she's getting the message, because last night she slept from 7:05PM until 6:15AM! She's also learned how to put herself to sleep, instead of requiring us to put her to sleep. This is huge as we always had to do something to get her to sleep before. Now, I can put her in her crib and she's asleep within 10 minutes. The downside is that I get very little time with her when I get home from work. But her health and well-being are worth it.

Some of you may have noticed that I removed the links to Margaret's photo albums. While nothing has happened, I did read some stories recently on the message boards I frequent of families who had photos of their precious babies stolen and put on baby fetish websites. I immediately took whatever measures I could to keep Margaret safe from these pedophiles. Nothing is ever 100%, I know, but I'll do what I can to make it all that much harder for them to get those photos. It's a shame that we have to be so cautious, that instead of sharing the joy of our children's lives, we have to be worried about what unscrupulous people may do with that information in their hands.

Margaret is enjoying the Christmas tree. I almost didn't even put it up this year as space is scarce in our little apartment. But the spirit of the season won in the end, and I just couldn't imagine Margaret spending her first Christmas without one. Granted, it only has lights, garland, and about 6 ornaments on it... but it's better than nothing. She enjoys trying with all her might to reach the branches so she can pull on them. I think we may have to switch to a table-top tree on top of our entertainment center next year...

Lastly, my message to you all for this holiday season:

Hug Your Little One Every Day

Who knows how much time we have on this earth... Hug your little one every day. After going through a long illness with Margaret, and finally seeing her happy face for more than a day or two, I've really begun to appreciate good health. And of course, show how grateful I am for her with lots of hugs and kisses every day. The housework can wait. Sharing your love cannot.

I know it's common sense... but we do manage to get caught up in the day to day junk and it's easy to inadvertantly cut back on affection. Don't! Both of you will be grateful and better people if you share that love.

Yes, I'm being sappy. I think my crummy reunion made me refocus my energies and appreciate more the things in life that really are important. I spent most of yesterday just cuddling with Margaret, showering her in kisses. And this evening, after work and her nap, I enjoyed getting drooled all over while we spent our quality time together. (Well, the drool not so much, but the fact that I had her with me made up for it.) I'm feeling again like I did before I went back to work and I don't want that feeling to go away again.

Way Back Weekend

We spent the weekend on a trip down memory lane. Wednesday night was Brian's 10 year high school reunion, and mine was Saturday night. While Brian highly anticipated his, I almost didn't even go to mine. I didn't exactly "fit in" in high school. But in the end, curiosity got the best of me and I signed up to go only one week before the event.

Attending someone else's reunion can be pretty boring. I only knew one person at Brian's school, and we weren't exactly great friends. Fortunately, his was hosted at a brewery and there was open bar. The food, also, was fantastic. Otherwise, I pretty much stood by his side, nodding my head a lot. I did wonder why he didn't keep in touch with a few of the people from his class... but I know that Brian and I are just those sorts of people. We mostly keep to ourselves.

My reunion was something right out of a 1980s John Hughes movie. It was hosted at a wedding reception/special events facility and it was far fancier than we anticipated. I think we were a little under-dressed, but who cares. As soon as we entered, you could see it was no different than high school. The cliques were alive and kicking. Everyone stuck to their little groups and barely made eye contact with anyone who didn't belong. Out of a class of 234 students (give or take), only about 100 people came, including spouses. My worst fear was that nobody with whom I used to converse would show up, and it wasn't far from that. Only a handful of people were there that I felt comfortable talking to, and they all left early. By 10PM, we snuck out the door. The food was pretty good, at least, but I could have found better things to spend the $80 on.

Brian says I would have wondered all the rest of my life about it if I didn't go. I don't know about that. He may be right... But since my class made up a Power Point presentation of what everyone had been up to, and they'll be emailing it out, I really could have found out what my former classmates were up to without attending anyway. Deep down inside, I did hope that some of the mean girls had ballooned and gotten some justice. Instead, most of them were *thinner* than in high school (read: anorexic thin). Only 1 girl (aside from myself) was noticably larger than she was in h.s., and I never had any problems with her. Some of the guys had put on a few pounds, but again, no big deal. I didn't feel anyone had been a recipient of karma. And the cliquiest of the cliques were certainly unchanged. Either totally blasted or high, they provided some entertainment (taking me back to the old high school dance days when they were all in the same mental state) but again, no huge failures. Am I evil for wishing some of them did? I was tormented for much of my high school career, for no reason other than I was different... Aren't I allowed some satisfaction? Apparently, not.

In any case, I've been cured of the reunion bug. Never again for me. It just made me feel like that anxious girl I used to be who tried so hard to fit in. I don't like that me and I don't want to be her again.

Negligent in my blogger duties!

I've been so terrible about updating lately... There's just no time!

In any case, I ended up going home sick from work on Thursday, November 17th. I went straight to the walk-in clinic, sure that I had a sinus infection. My head felt ready to explode and I was having so much pain behind my eyes, my ears hurt, my brain was all fuzzy, and I couldn't concentrate on anything. Normally, I wait out sinus infections. But they usually don't go entirely to my head like that. It was painful and somewhat scary. In any case, they put me on amoxicillin. Brian thought that was funny. He pointed out to Margaret that Mommy doesn't spit out her amoxicillin.

Margaret is mostly back to herself. She did sleep through the night...for about 3 nights. Today it was back to waking at 3:30AM, though. I wonder why she chooses that time? Even when I was pregnant, she tended to wake me around then... She was asleep again before 4AM, but I probably only managed an additional 15-20 minutes of sleep. No wonder why I'm sick all the time lately.

Which brings me to a little vent. No flu shot for me this year. My winters had gotten so much healthier once I started getting the flu shot. And I have asthma, so I'm high risk anyway. The problem: neither my primary care provider nor my allergist offer flu shots. The first year I got one was at a clinic at a local grocery store. This year, they canceled all their clinics. The second year was when I was pregnant, so my OB's office gave it to me. I called them this year and they told me they were only giving it to high risk patients. I told them I have asthma and therefore am high risk, plus I have a 5 month old in the house. They then backtracked and said it's only for their OB patients. I tried that I was an OB patient not too long ago, but she wouldn't budge. Bugger. The clinics that are left are all during my work day. I can leave work for a doctor's appointment, but not a clinic. So I guess I'll have to live without it this winter... And hope that nothing happens between now and when Margaret gets her flu shot next month.

Can you believe there's only about a month left until Christmas? People have started pestering us with what we want for Christmas. Really, we don't need any *things*. But a few extra hours of sleep would be nice.

Is It Just Me?

Slowly but surely, Margaret is getting better. She's not coughing as much, and her coughs aren't as phlegmy. She's sleeping better, too. Not through the night still (I miss those days!!) but better than she was in the weeks before. She did, of course, share her cold with me. I'm pretty miserable. It's some kind of weird head cold that's making me feel congested and nauseous all the time. And I'm still not getting much sleep, so that doesn't help. But I make do. At least Margaret is smiling again. :)

I'm starting to really HATE where we live. It's bad enough that the tenants above us are pretty noisy. But now we're having inconsideration issues with our *landlord*. I honestly think it's all a ploy to get us to move. He keeps throwing hissy fits about the garage, to which we are entitled full use in the lease we all signed 2 years ago. The landlord was considering buying our old washer and dryer off of us (to give the washer to the people who stole it from us last month {SIGH}). He wanted to try the dryer first, which was fine...but he didn't hook up our exhaust again when he was done, so I had to get Brian to fix that so I could use our dryer again. Then today I went down to do laundry, and found that he was using *our* extension cord hooked up to *our* electric for the hallway renovations. Nevermind that the 3rd floor has *2* outlets closer to where he needs the electric. Nope, it's hooked up to ours above the washer. And let's not forget that he's using our extension cord *without asking*. This really ticks me off. I'm peeved about the electric as it is...no wonder why our bills have been so high! But to go and take something that doesn't belong to you and just use it, and then leave the cord out so it's obvious that you've been using it (it was still uncoiled and extended up the basement stairs), is over the line in my book. Yes, it's a little petty thing. But the little petty things keep adding up. And I'm getting really sick of people just using my stuff because it's in the basement!!!! I want to move so badly. But to move would be to empty our bank account, since we only have enough in there to basically cover 2 months' rent. Having no back-up money when you have a baby can be disastrous.

{SIGH} Can I just crawl up under the covers in bed and forget about everything? I'm so tired of dealing with all this crap...

Experiments in Sleep Deprivation

Dead tired. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Total, not consecutively. I don't even remember getting dressed this morning.

Margaret still has fluid in her ears. The doctor's not sure if it's still draining or if she still has an ear infection (since he wasn't the one to diagnose her originally) so we have to wait 2 more weeks and go back for another follow-up. If she gets worse in the meantime, he'll call in a script for another round of antibiotics. But he'd prefer to wait and see rather than have us possibly use them unnecessarily. He also suggested switching to Dimetapp for Margaret's congestion. He wasn't concerned about her chest congestion. Of course, it figures that she didn't cough at all when he was in the room. But he did listen very thoroughly to her lungs.

I almost called this morning. In the grand fashion that started almost a month ago now, Margaret once again did not sleep through the night. Not even close. It took until nearly 10:30PM to get her to bed. Then she woke up at 1AM fussing, and giving her the pacifier didn't work, so I had to rock her back to sleep. I think that took 30 or 40 minutes. Around 3AM, she woke up again. This time, she got herself thoroughly worked up, screaming bloody murder. Brian got up with her originally, but when I heard the shrill screams and him muttering "shut up" I got up out of bed and gave her some infant's Advil. She clearly sounded like she was in pain. It took until 4:10AM for her to fall back asleep again, and she would only sleep in her bouncy seat. So I had to camp out on the couch, as I didn't want to leave her unattended in it. 2 hours later, I awoke with a sore neck, but a (fortunately) still sleeping baby. She made it until 6:40AM before waking on her own. Mind you, she used to sleep 9:30/10PM until about 6:40AM every day, straight through, for over 2 months. This is killing me. And it can't be all that healthy for her, especially since she only takes a few half hour naps a day at daycare, and maybe one 1-2 hour nap when I'm home with her. (SIGH)

About 10 minutes before we had to leave, she also vomitted all over herself and her Exersaucer. I'm too tired to be dealing with this sort of thing with a clear head. It's a good thing Brian was running late and hadn't left for work yet.

Yes, she's at daycare. I can't stay home with her again. We're under a lot of pressure at work right now and I know I'm already on the list for all the time I've missed already because of Margaret's illnesses. If they send her home from daycare, fine, then work can't argue with that. But I couldn't stay home. (They're still renovating the hallway anyway, so it's not like it would be a restful day.)

Just to spite me, I think, Margaret gave the biggest grin to her teacher when I dropped her off this morning. Like she was a well-rested, happy, healthy child...like it was all a figment of my imagination. Wonderful.

Things That Make You Sigh

(SIGH) We have a sick baby again. Well, she never really got over her stuffy nose and cough, but it's gotten worse in the last 24 hours. It's a good thing she's going to the doctor tomorrow. Even daycare told me she was cranky all day, which she never is cranky there. When I got her home, it was the screaming fits all over again. I gave her some infant Advil and PediaSure and now she's conked out resting. I don't know what she could have that would get worse like that, especially after she had been on antibiotics for 10 days. But it's certainly making her miserable again.

In the general fashion of "when it rains, it pours," we're having landlord issues again. For the most part, we never hear from him. I haven't even ever met him; I haven't a clue what the guy looks like. I like it that way. Last December, he gave us a hard time about the garage - the garage that our lease says we have full use of. He tried to force us to let the 2nd floor tenant park his ATV in there (an ATV that was, at least according to the lease that I wrote and they were under originally, banned from the premises). He tried to tell us that we didn't, and even when Brian explained that there wasn't any room anyway, he insisted upon coming out to see for himself. In the meantime, I talked with our attorney about. He agreed with me in that the lease said we have the entire use of the garage; we do not have to share it. Oddly, we never heard from the landlord again about that issue... I don't know if he spoke with his own attorney or what. But he didn't bring it up again. Then the renovations started several weeks ago. I can't stay home during the day because they've been working on gutting the hallway. There's plaster dust everywhere (including all over my vacuum, which was stored in the stairway to the basement - an area where they weren't supposed to be working). I can't even do laundry necessarily when I want to because the accessway is through the hallway that's being renovated. Now, on top of that disruption, we got a call today from the landlord that he wants us to leave the garage unlocked because they're painting the doors to the garage and he wants to store the sheetrock in there while they work on the hallway. I really didn't want to revisit this, especially now. So Brian called him back and explained to him that there isn't any room in the garage for the sheetrock. Apparently, that pissed the landlord off because he got all huffy and hung up on Brian. I have a horrible feeling about this... And the timing couldn't be worse. With Margaret being sick, and me in a sleep-deprived state (as she's still not back to sleeping fully through the night) the last thing I need to worry about is a battle of the minds with the landlord. And I really can't afford to move right now. (Not to mention I can't even fathom having to deal with that... I can't even manage to keep up with the dishes lately! I don't want to have to move, even if I'm not happy here.)

(SIGH)

Back To Normal

Sorry to leave everyone hanging like that! It got to be quite a busy week!

Tuesday Margaret started acting more like her old self again. Smiles were abundant and she was in a playful mood. It came just in time, as I wasn't sure how much more I could take of the changeling child we had. The happy mood continued throughout the rest of the week, leading me to believe that our old Margaret is back. Given the timing, it could be that her ears were still bothering her until then. But I'm not a doctor. In any case, she has a cold (stuffy nose, chest congestion, and cough) but she's happy. She goes back this Tuesday for a follow-up with her pediatricians to make sure her ears are all clear again.

Margaret appears to be loving her apples. She gets all excited and tries to feed herself. If I'm not careful, she'll grab onto my arm with both of her hands and try to direct the spoon into her mouth. Usually, her aim is a little off. It doesn't help that in her excitement, she tends to move her head to the side *just* before the spoon gets to her mouth. I find myself holding one hand the whole time so I can maintain some control over the situation. But at least she's enjoying it! We did apples all last week and I plan on introducing sweet potatoes this week. Personally, I'm not a fan. But she has to give them a shot.

Cloth diapering is going well. We only used 1 disposable all weekend. During the week, she's in cloth from when she gets home from daycare until the next morning. It's really pretty easy. The only complication is that I don't have many yet so on the weekends, I have to wash every day. But other than that, I'm impressed. Besides, with all the cute options out there, how could I resist? ;)

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I know joints loosen up during pregnancy, but mine are still pretty loose. My joints crack and creak often, something that rarely happened before I got pregnant. It doesn't hurt when it happens, but the sound of it freaks me out. Normal? Who knows. As long as it's not causing any pain, I read, I shouldn't worry. It's still weird.

My father asked me today when I would have another child. I asked him when I would be moving in. I was joking, however, he wants to have a talk with me tomorrow about our finances. See where my big mouth lands me!

Losing My Mind

Still cranky. The ears may be infected, but she's been on amoxicillan since 3AM Thursday. And pain reliever. And cold meds at night. This can't possibly be the cause for the continued crankiness. And I'm losing my mind over it. Brian is never home to help... She will not sleep. She will not play. She just wants to cry. And be held. But not held sitting, held standing. And she must be held like she is standing. Meanwhile, we're almost out of bottles and I accidentally melted the liner of our allergy mattress cover in the dryer. But I can't attend to either problem because here she sits, crying... crying... crying. It's been 40 minutes now that I've been trying to get her to go to sleep. She rubs her eyes... but will not sleep. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

ETA: I have tried playing on the floor with her sitting, with her standing, having her play in the Exersaucer alone and with me, bouncing her in the bouncy seat, walking around cradling her, walking around holding her upright, walking around with her belly on my forearm, rocking her in the chair on her side, rocking her in the chair on her back, reading to her, and so on and so forth. In the end, rocking her with her on her belly and her face up around my arm worked... but I think it's because she just gave up. She's napping now on her belly. I hope it lasts longer than 20 minutes since she doesn't seem to want to go longer than that today.

I feel like a terrible mother. A failure. I wanted her so badly, but all I am is depressed lately because I can't make her happy. I feel rejected. And worthless. And stressed because I'm supposed to manage everything around the house in between, which there is no in between lately. I melted the mattress cover because I was rushing to do the laundry (she was crying) and in my haste, I didn't change the temp setting. Haste makes waste, I know, but if I hadn't been so stressed out, it probably wouldn't have happened. I feel guilty because I'm blaming her for how I feel emotionally. And for even more that I don't dare type for fear of being ostracized as a traitor to motherhood. Right now, all I want is to be numb... Then it won't matter that she cries all day long.

The Ears Have It

At least, they are now the leading contender in why Margaret was so cranky and wouldn't sleep. After Margaret started up her routine of waking every hour during the night again, I decided to take her to the emergency room. She was acting so unlike herself and the screams were louder than usual, as well as sounding different. I did learn one thing: if you want service at the ER, bring a screaming infant. I have never been in and out of there so fast in all my life! In the end, they decided that she has ear infections in both her ears. Had she been displaying any signs that this might be the case? Nope. No ear tugging, no problems eating, just the crankiness. The last time I worried about an ear infection due to crankiness, it didn't turn out to be that at all so I guess that's why I didn't even consider that a possibility. But there we were at 3:30AM getting her ears checked out, and the doc said they were red inside. He prescribed amoxicillan for 10 days and infant's Motrin every 6 hrs right now for the pain. As soon as they gave her the Motrin, she stopped screaming and went to sleep. She's been pretty good ever since.

I feel horrible that she had been cranky for days now and I didn't even think to have her ears checked. I'm always so worried about being one of "those" moms that overreacts to every little thing that I missed something big. How awful.

In any case, I'm home with her today. Well, at my mom's house anyway. The hallway at our apartment building is being redone (plaster down, sheetrock up) so I knew there was no way either one of us would get any rest today. (Mind you, I didn't make it into bed until midnight because of Becky's flea bath incident...and then Margaret started waking at 1:30AM.) I was a bit worried about calling into work... this will be my 4th sick day this month, 3 of them for Margaret. But it's not like I have any control over the situation. She definitely can't go to daycare today. She had no sleep, she's in pain, and she's in the first 24 hrs of an antibiotic she's never taken before. Work can wait... or I guess I'll end up being a SAHM if it doesn't. ;)

Update

Margaret slept from 9:30PM to 6:15AM. (She also had a nap from probably 8-9PM before the "last" feeding.) Looks like this *could* be the culprit. But it will take a few more nights before I can tell for sure.

New problem. Margaret has been *extremely* fussy at home lately. Apparently, she's as good as can be at daycare. At least, they keep telling me this even when I don't ask. And it's always checked off on her progress report that she's happy and curious, and usually cooperative, too. However, when she's home and awake, she screams most of the time. This is a relatively new problem, but it's probably been going on for about a week now. At first I thought daycare may be lying, but if they keep saying she's so happy and friendly when I don't even ask, how can that be the case? Which then makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong that she's wonderful for them and miserable with me.

It seems the problem may in part be gas-related. We're trying a new tummy soother that's all natural (chammomile and ginger, basically). At least, we started using that when after absolutely nothing else worked, we thought maybe she was having tummy troubles. This seems to lessen the intensity, but tonight, she was still pretty upset afterwards. Since she's not tolerating her old milk-based formula, she's been on Prosobee Lipils. We never gave her formula with ARA/DHA before, and I have heard of that causing gas issues, so maybe that's the source of her unhappiness? I bought some non-lipil Prosobee to try next. Then I read today that babies tend to be fussier in the evening/night because they don't know what to do with the day's pent up stress. Which would mean that there's not much I can do about it if that's the cause. But I hate that option because it makes me feel so powerless. Maybe she's just overtired? She doesn't usually nap well at daycare and is only napping less than 2 hrs a day there.

Who knows why... I just wish it would stop. She's supposed to be crying less at this stage, not more. It's very stressful and tiring to try everything you can think of and still have a screaming infant. (SIGH)

ETA: Oh yes! And now we have fleas. I just finished giving Becky a flea bath and tomorrow after working until 6:30PM, I'll have to figure out how to prevent a major infestation without bombing the place. Should be interesting and not something I'm exactly ready to handle right now.... It's been a hell of a week and it's only Wednesday.

Following My Heart

A TREMENDOUS Thank You to all who posted on my previous topic! It makes me feel so much better about my concern about the dropped feeding. I know we're told over and over again that mommy instincts are incredibly accurate and we should go with them, but sometimes it's difficult to feel that you've made the right decision when one with a medical degree is telling you to do the opposite of what your heart says is right. I do have the utmost respect for Margaret's doctors' opinions, but when it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right, and this just didn't from the start. Margaret got back her "last" feeding tonight. To hell with his opinion in this case! I will cut back when she is ready for it, not when he tells me to. After all - she's only a baby! It's not like she has any understanding of eating just for the sake of eating. That's an adult (or at least, older child) concept that's beyond her still. She looks to eat because she is *hungry* and because she needs it. Plain and simple.

I also want to thank Jackie for posting all those guidelines. Margaret actually does meet those guidelines, but I still don't think she's ready for solids. Either that, or she just doesn't like anything she's been offered yet. :) We'll keep trying, but I'm not going to force it on her. There's no need to, especially at this age.

Hopefully I'll be able to rest easier tonight, with a clear conscience and a baby that actually sleeps.

Does The Doctor Always Know Best?

On October 14th we had Margaret's 4 month appointment. It was at that time that her doctor expressed a concern about Margaret's continuing trend of being off the charts on weight. Mind you, she was 9 lbs 2 oz at birth and has been gaining steadily. In fact, last month was the smallest gain so far in a month's time. And she's 26 inches tall. Regardless, her doctor told me to cut back her formula by 1-2 oz per feeding! She had been taking in 36 oz/day in 6-6 oz feedings and since we normally had to wake her for her last feeding at 9:30PM, we decided to try dropping that one. Her doctor also wanted me to start giving her cereal. I originally intended to wait until she was 6 months old to start cereal, but I knew she wouldn't be happy with less formula unless she got something else in exchange.

The problems. Well, for starters, she hates cereal. In 5 feedings, she only once ate it...at the first one. Every time I've attempted it since, she's screamed, spit it all out, and refused to eat. So Friday I stopped trying to give her cereal, figuring this is her way of showing me she is not ready yet.

Next are the sleep problems. Margaret started consistently sleeping through the night at about 6 weeks of age. There were a few instances when she did not, but those were mostly when she was ill. However, once we started cutting feedings, she stopped sleeping through the night. She was 17 weeks old when we started this, so it had been a couple of months that she had been sleeping well before this. The sleeping problems keep getting worse. She used to sleep 9:30PM to 6:30/7AM. Last night, she went down "for the night" at 8:30PM, but woke up at 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5:45AM. She went back down pretty quickly for most of the wakings, but at the 4AM one, it took me 40 minutes to get her back down. (And I didn't get back to sleep after that because Brian's alarm clock started going off at 5AM, but that's a whole other issue...)

I'm thinking of disobeying the doctor's orders. If it were only a night or two, I probably wouldn't be concerned... but she hasn't slept through the night once since we changed her feedings. It seems to me that she needs more than 30 oz/day to function properly. Heck, my mother told me my brothers were taking in 40 oz/day at her age and she wasn't told to cut back (and their doctor is the father of Margaret's doctor, actually). I just don't know what to do. But I do know that what we're doing right now isn't working.

No Paper Undies For My Baby!

LOL! I laugh every time I see blinkies proclaiming: "I don't wear paper undies so why should my baby." It makes sense, it's just a funny thought. It's right up there with the "I don't eat in the bathroom so why should my baby" blinkies. Great statement using humor to get the point across. At least, they're humorous to me.

Anyway, back during the first time I was pregnant, I had done a lot of research on cloth diapering and really wanted to do it. However, I was met with extensive opposition (including my own sister who proclaimed she would not watch baby-to-be until s/he was out of diapers if I chose to use cloth). The second time I got pregnant, I was more concerned with actually having a baby in the end than how I would diaper, so it went to the wayside.

But it's been on my mind again lately. There exist many reasons to cloth diaper, and I won't get into them here. There are plenty of sites advocating it that you can turn to if you're looking to be converted. For me, there were a couple of reasons. #1 chemicals. There are so many chemical in disposables and it bothers me. Think of that absorbant gel...what is it anyway? How good can it be to have that against the skin? #2 cost. So much money literally thrown away every day. #3 Margaret only pees at night anyway. How hard can it possibly be to wash some pee diapers?

Well, Margaret's daycare doesn't do cloth, so she'd have to be in sposies there anyway. But I figured I'd give it a shot at night and maybe incorporate it into the weekends if I like it. Last night was our first night trying. We used a borrowed Fuzzi Bunz pocket dipe with 2 borrowed microfiber inserts in the pocket. I do have to say that the smell you get in the morning after your baby sits in a cloth diaper for 10 hrs is less than appealing. I never did like the pee smell in sposies, but with cloth, it was like straight ammonia. Yuck! But she did stay dry all night. I also bought my own Bumkins AIO (all in one) and I just had to try it yesterday evening. They're the closest you can get to the convenience of a disposable in the cloth diapering world. Very easy to use. I was definitely pleased with that. I think if I could afford to go with all AIOs, I may just give it a chance on the weekends, too.

Now if only I could get over my huge aversion to poo, then I would have an easier time cloth diapering more than just at night....

More Sleep

Let's see... Tuesday night there was a bit of a fight, but not as bad. During that night, however, I was awakened at 2AM not by Margaret's cries, but the by the cries of the upstairs tenant's 1.5 year old daughter. I kept bringing the monitor to my ear to be sure, but it didn't sound like Margaret anyway. She even woke Brian up, and he never wakes up to Margaret's cries! Margaret didn't want to be left out, I guess, because she woke up at 4AM and 5:15AM on Wednesday. I ended up having to wake her finally at 7AM to get ready for the day (she normally wakes at 6:30AM on her own). I was exhausted that day. Wednesday night, no fight for bed. She was down by 8:30PM. Woke up at 3AM, but went back to sleep very quickly. I think she wanted her pacifier, but I don't want to get in the habit of waking up to replace a binky. She slept until 6:30AM after that. But last night... that was golden! In bed between 8 and 8:30PM and slept straight through until 6:40AM! I don't know if her long nap at daycare had anything to do with it, but I'll take it!

Now if only Brian and I weren't both sick, we would have gotten some sleep last night...

I wanted to bring Margaret to a pumpkin patch this weekend but it's supposed to rain. More rain. As if the 9 days we had in the recent past isn't enough, we'll now lose the 3rd weekend in a row to rain.

Sleep

Well, in spite of Margaret's desperate protests to going to bed last night, she was asleep by 9PM and stayed that way until around 6 this morning. It was incredibly bizarre to be in my bedroom and ready for bed before 10PM since I'm normally not in there until 11 or 11:30. Of course, I lost most of the time advantage when I spent nearly an hour surfing the net on my iBook. Darn that addiction! In any case, that's 2 out of 3 nights that she slept through even though she had one less feeding. I hope this trend continues. Well, minus the 45-minute screaming ritual.

Tons of Fun

You know, things were just fine before cereal and reducing formula. Margaret went to bed 99.999% of the time without hassles and slept through the night. Now, all hell has broken lose. Last night was a real trial in patience when it came to bedtime. And then she woke up at 3AM, requiring over an hour of soothing to go back to bed. Tonight is even worse. I worried that maybe I tried to put her down too early last night, so we figured we'd start at 8:15PM or so. Except Brian chose to hear what he wanted to hear and just put Margaret in her crib after changing her diaper without even giving her a chance to get used to the idea. No transition, just plopped her into the crib. This sent her into a frenzy of crying that continues even as I type. It drives me nuts that we could have avoided this entirely if he wasn't so careless. And that he insists upon taking care of her, even though he's not doing a thing that would be considered calming. I'm exhausted as it is...I got a grand total of 4 hours of sleep last night, at best. But being forced to listen to screaming that I can do nothing about, even though it might have been avoided, is really pushing my buttons right now. After several attempts to get Margaret from Brian so I could try to soothe her, he banished me to the bedroom, which is a whopping 10 feet from the living room. Screams readily permeate the walls. It breaks my heart and drives me crazy all at the same time. Yup, tons of fun around here tonight. Waking up at 3AM again would really be the icing on the cake right now.....

Damn doctor's suggestions....

Happy 4 Months Old!

Margaret celebrated 4 months on this earth by eating her first food today. Oatmeal. Not something I enjoy, but I decided it was a better food to start with than rice cereal. She didn't even seem to realize she was eating. Surprisingly, we didn't lose much of it out of her mouth either. The only problem: the bib. I thought we'd use her big girl bib that isn't absorbant. Big mistake as she decided to try to eat the bib, as well as rub it all over everything. Next time I'll be sure to use something that will really contain the mess.



I want to thank all of you for reminding me that guidelines are exactly that: not rules that must be strictly adhered to, but rather a collection of what works for the average situation. Margaret had been exhibiting signs of readiness for solids for weeks now, but I've been trying to hold her off because of the guidelines. Even with her doctor telling me to feed her cereal, I still resisted. But Margaret was not ready to give up formula (as directed by her doctor) without getting something in its place. So I threw the guidelines out the window and gave it a chance today. After all, she is the size of your average 7 or 8 month old... it only stands to reason that she'd be ready for food a little bit earlier than your average 4 month old.

Updates

I ended up having to bring Margaret in to her pediatricians' office Tuesday. She got really inconsolable Monday night and Tuesday, so they wanted to see her. Just a stomach bug was the diagnosis, and fortunately, no other symptoms to worry about. But I was advised to switch her to soy formula for a few days to give her digestive system a chance to recover. I guess when babies get stomach bugs like this, it tends to kill off the parts of their digestive system that break down lactose. Making sure she's not taking in any lactose gives it a chance to rebuild. The soy did the trick but when I tried to switch her back to her old formula (Enfamil Gentlease) this afternoon, she almost immediately ended up with diarrhea again. Back to soy...

I'm wondering if we might have to stick with soy. She's had problems with gas and fussiness since birth, so I'm wondering if she has an undiagnosed milk protein or lactose intolerance because she continues to gain weight in spite of these feeding issues. She did really well on Gentlease (1/4 the lactose of normal cow's milk formula) but is doing even better on soy, so maybe that's the problem. I was hesitant to use it at first because of the controversy out there about everything with soy, including the long-term effects of the phytoestrogens in soy and the link I read about between soy and peanut allergies (they are in the same family, after all). But soy has been on the market since the early 60s. It can't be that bad, can it? And if she does even better on that, shouldn't I give her what she's best able to digest?

We had Margaret's 4 month appointment today. She now weighs 19 lbs 3.5 oz and she is 26 inches long. She continues to be off the charts, although she's getting further off for weight now. Her doctor wants us to cut back on how much formula she's taking in. She's been taking in 36 oz/day in 6 feedings of 6 oz per day for the last couple months. In the last few weeks, she's started acting hungry even after finishing. But I was afraid of giving her too much formula, so I did not increase her intake. Now I'm supposed to cut back, 1-2 ounces per feeding! The last few nights we've started having a hard time getting her up for her 9:30/10PM feeding, so I'm going to try to drop one feeding a day (so she'll have 5 6-oz bottles for a total of 30 oz/day). But I have my doubts it will work.

On top of that, her doctor wants me to start rice cereal. I did not even ask him about this, as I wanted to wait until 6 months to introduce solids because of the potential risk of food allergies from early introduction, as well as the AAP recommendation to wait that long. I'm a bit surprised her doctor would recommend starting now - especially since he's a young doctor, so he's been through med school fairly recently and I'm sure they discussed these newer guidelines of waiting longer. Margaret also had a mild case of eczema when I saw him last month, so I asked him if that meant she was more likely to develop food allergies. He felt that her case was so mild that it was probably more irritant-related than indicative of future problems with foods. I hope he's right. Regardless, I'm waiting until we figure out the formula thing before I add solids. I also plan on skipping cereals, since they basically are sugar in the body and therefore of no nutritional value. If I can hold out until she's 5 months old, I'll probably be okay with it. That's a compromise I can live with. But I also think she won't be happy with the decreased formula unless she's eating solids, too, so I may have no choice in the matter.

Tonight's the first night of cutting 1 feeding. We got her down for the night by about 9PM, when she normally isn't down until 10/10:30PM. I have a feeling I'll be up by 4AM, but I'm hoping for the best.

Poor Sick Baby

Once again, Margaret is sick. Although she doesn't seem to be bothered by it and she really only has one symptom, her *lovely* explosive diarrhea has been quite the thing to deal with these past couple of days. It started on Saturday (fortunately, my MIL did not have to deal with it) with 2 incidences. Sunday it happened four times. Today once. Of these 7 incidences, 4 managed to leak out of the diaper. Yeah, LOTS of fun there. There's no fever and she's acting pretty normally (except for the hour or so of screaming she did tonight), so it's probably just a stomach bug. I called her pediatricians' office today just to check with them as to what they wanted me to do, but they were both out. The nurse felt that it wasn't too serious of a situation and advised me to keep doing what I'm doing and call back tomorrow morning. I read online to dilute the formula to 1/4 or 1/2 strength in the beginning (I've been doing 1/2 strength today) and to add some Pedialyte, which her doctors did recommend in case she got diarrhea the last time she was sick. I'm not thrilled about the sucralose in the Pedialyte, but I need to make sure she doesn't get dehydrated so I have been using about 1 oz per bottle. Seeing as she was down to one occurance today, I'm hoping this means she's almost over it. However, I did read that diarrhea in infants tends to last 1-2 weeks!!!

Looks like I will have an extended weekend on top of my already long weekend due to Columbus Day: Margaret can't return to daycare until the diarrhea has been gone for 24 hours. Then again, it's not like it's a vacation for me. She is very clingy right now so I can't get anything done without backup, and Brian has been working 11-12 hour days lately so I don't get backup until pretty late in the day. I just hope she feels better soon...

Neighbor Vent

A little history first. We live on the 1st floor of a 3 family house that we used to own. We purchased it in 2001 about 6 months after we got married. (There's a bigger story there, but that's not the point.) After having issues with problem tenants, and frequent vacancies, we decided in 2003 to take advantage of the rapid appreciation in the market and we sold the house. We weren't planning on buying again right away, but we had issues finding an apartment with our dog, so the new owner allowed us to rent the same apartment we were living in on a month-to-month basis. Technically, the same tenants are in the house as there were when we sold the house, with some minor changes. The third floor was originally a single girl, and it was explained to her that only she was approved to live there. I don't know what her arrangements were with the landlord, but first a guy moved in with her, then she moved out and her boyfriend moved in with the guy who was here. These people leave exterior doors propped open all the time, the Bilco doors unlocked, have been stacking wooden furniture right next to our gas furnace, and like to leave their garbage pail out at the road nearly the entire week. They're slobs and inconsiderate. But I ignored them and expected the same from them.

Back in July, we purchased a new washer and dryer because our dryer was no longer fuctioning properly. Our set was a used one that my parents bought us when we got the house. The dryer started to sound like I was running cycles full of rocks, so we decided to replace both at the same time. We got a nice front loader set (pretty much the cheapest one we could get, but still nicer than what we had). We decided to hold on to our old washer though to use for Brian's filthy clothes he wears when he's working on his vehicles. We moved it to the left of the new washer and left it there.

Tonight I went down to the basement to run a load of wash and found that our old washer had been hooked up to the 3rd floor hookups and they were running this dryer they had down there for a year now (not previously hooked up) without a vent. Soooo many things wrong with this picture. Number one, they basically just took our washer without asking and started using it. That's pretty ballsy. I told Brian about it and he went down there and disconnected it, turning it back to the side and throwing out the drain tube (that was ours) so they couldn't connect it back up. Number two, running a dryer without a vent is a fire hazzard. And this dryer is right in front of our furnace. Fortunately, the furnace isn't on currently (we shut it down for the summer). But if you're going to do something that is a fire hazzard, it's not a good idea to do it in front of a gas furnace that normally has a pilot light on all the time. No brains here, obviously.

I'm pretty pissed off. I try to mind my own business and I've never been one to complain to the landlord. But this is pretty bad. I won't say anything about the washer to him, but I do think I will mention the dryer set up since he can get in a lot of trouble if the fire marshal finds that during his next inspection.

**********

I'm sure you're all wondering about the wedding today. I'll keep it short. We were 10 minutes late. They are married. Margaret spent the day with my MIL and sisters-in-law so we could have fun at the reception (and she did very well for them). We danced. Came home. Margaret had a lovely poopy diaper blowout. We went to my parents' house for the party afterwards. And now we're home again. I'm glad it's over!! It was kind of nice to not have to worry about anything today, though. It wasn't my day, after all. ;)

One Down, One To Go

Survived the rehearsal. She was late.. Figures. The minister did tease her about not being late tomorrow. We had to practice walking down the aisle twice because the other girls couldn't understand how to walk slowly enough. It's a very small church so they want to stretch it out a bit. Then we had to practice walking out with the guys. Then the vows. The minister was about to leave without even telling us where we could get ready, and my sister wasn't going to ask. I kind of pushed her to do it, though. She needs to learn to speak up for herself. My mom thinks I'm crazy because I said Kelly should wait to get dressed until she gets to the church because it's supposed to pour tomorrow. Hopefully they'll listen to me. I know I won't get dressed until I'm there, under the circumstances.

At the very last minute, they changed where the rehearsal dinner would be. Chinese buffet. Pretty low class place. Our grandparents weren't even invited, even though they should have been.

It looks like I am going to her house tomorrow morning. My cousin's husband will swing by to pick me up and drop us off at my parents' house. My brother will be driving my sister, cousin, and myself to the church. Hopefully, I can use this to make sure we get there on time!

Brian will be on his own with Margaret... And if she's anything like she has been today, good luck to him!! She's been super cranky. And refusing to eat. No fever and she's not stuffed up or anything so I don't think she's sick. Just cranky (although not crying a lot...just not cooperating). We'll probably drop her off at my MIL's house on the way to the reception. Good luck to her, too! She's never watched Margaret before so this should be interesting! It's only one day...it shouldn't affect her permanently, right? ;)

A Lot On My Mind

With how busy I've been lately, I have a lot on my mind and no time to think it all out. Brian has been working 60+ hours a week right now, as well as 6 days a week. He leaves by 7:30AM and usually isn't home until 7:30PM or so. I have very little time to myself these days. Once he gets home, I have to make dinner, then I have to clean up from dinner and wash all of Margaret's bottles while he takes care of her last feeding of the day. He puts her down for the night, and I'm still taking care of the things that need to be done. Most nights, I don't get to go to sleep until 11 or 11:30PM. Then I'm up again at 6AM and the cycle starts all over again. I'm exhausted and starting to get frantic about all the things I need to do that aren't getting done. But alas, this is the life of a mommy.

My sister's wedding is in 2 days. I am the matron of honor in this wedding. It will be a very busy next 2 days and I'm looking forward to it being over. I ended up being her wedding planner, making many of her decisions for her. I also was responsible for making the bouquets, something I wasn't able to finish sooner because I could not get her to decide on the ribbon she wanted. Now, with 2 days to go, I still have to finish them. There just hasn't been any time. Brian has promised to take care of dinner and Margaret tonight so I can take care of that.

I feel like I'm falling apart. First my neck was bothering me for a few days last week. It spread into my right shoulder when I turned my head certain ways. Now, I'm having pain in my right ribcage just under the bust on the side. It doesn't hurt when I touch it - the pain is from within. It's worse when I breathe deeply, cough, and when I sit/lay in certain positions. Last night, I was only able to get sleep by taking Tylenol and laying on my left side. By morning, it was gone... but it's starting up again. I have no idea what it could be, and no time to address it right now. I know that's highly irresponsible, but it's the truth. I'm also secretly hoping it will go away on its own. Then that would mean it wasn't anything serious, right?

Somebody has been smoking in the 3 family house in which we reside. I can smell it in our apartment and I can't seem to get the smell out of my nose. It's making me sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do about it. Brian insists he doesn't smell it and that I'm being oversensitive. Perhaps he's right since I can still smell it now and I'm at work... But it bothers me. If I can smell it, that means Margaret is breathing it in. I'm not happy about that at all. I go to great lengths to avoid smokers for her health, and it just plain sucks that after all my efforts, she gets exposed in our own home. Unfortunately, we can't afford to move right now. And even if we could, there is no way to escape what others do outside their own homes anyway. Unless you're in the middle of a large piece of land, you can't escape it. It's frustrating and irritating to be so helpless like this when my daughter's health is at stake. And it's everywhere we go. People in cars next to you at traffic lights, people in front of stores you want to shop in, people just walking by your house... and the worst are the people who do it with their children right there, held captive by their parents and forced to smoke. That should be considered child endangerment. There should be criminal charges and consequences for that. (SIGH)

So many more random thoughts, so little time....

im·ma·ture

adj.
Not fully grown or developed. See Synonyms at young.
Marked by or suggesting a lack of normal maturity: silly, immature behavior (as defined by dictionary.com)

One expects that once s/he reaches adulthood, exposure to immature behavior would be minimized. Those catty cliques from adolescence would dissipate and the participants would grow up. I guess these expectations only live on in our imaginations, however, because it appears that as one grows older, the immaturity of others intensifies. The catty behavior grows into downright cruelty. And the victims suffer greatly.

I have recently witnessed some of these attacks by immature adults. I am appalled at the lengths one would go through to subject another to such cruelty. And disappointed. When in the evolution of humankind did we derail this way? When was it determined that some would, rather than mature as they age, instead regress to childhood, and hence perpetually remain in that infantile mental state?

Regardless of how it has occurred, it pains me so to see one subjected to this unnecessary behavior. A great friend of mine has suffered much in her life, and in no way deserves what she has received from these vicious character attacks. I stand by her and ask that those who are her true friends do the same.

After all, how would you feel if you were the victim and your friends turned away from you in your time of need?

A Day At The Fair

Margaret went to her first fair today. It was actually my birthday present since Brian isn't a fan of fairs (doesn't like the smell of the animals). Since it was my birthday, though, he agreed to go. Margaret was more interested in the people than the animals, but she behaved really well. I didn't HAVE to take her out of the stroller at any point like I usually have to when we're at the mall. But I did take her out in the animal buildings so she'd have a better look at them. Maybe next year she'll appreciate it more. In any case, the weather was beautiful. It was the perfect day to go to the fair. Skies were blue and cloudless and the temps got up to almost 80 degrees. So unlike an October day, but we enjoyed it nonetheless. We even went for a walk at the nature preserve with our dog Becky in the afternoon.

My Cutie Pie

I just can't help it... I have to show her off! :)

We're planning on going to a local fair this weekend - Margaret's first fair. I'm hoping she's in a mood to tolerate it. I can't wait to see her reaction to the animals! Too bad she's too young to try the fair fare. :) (Not that it's exactly something we should be rushing into, given the lack of nutritional value to that food...) I know she won't appreciate it much this year, but I'd like to make it an annual tradition in our family. Something for her to eventually look forward to every year. I'm looking forward to starting many family traditions, now.

I Love This Picture

She wasn't too fond of the hat and her reactions to it were hysterical ( more photos in her September 2005 album ).

Yesterday, the head teacher at daycare told me that she swears Margaret said "hi" last week. She said she was feeding another baby in the glider and Margaret was in the Exersaucer, staring intently at her. She felt bad that she couldn't hold Margaret, so she said, "Hi, Maggie!" and Margaret said "hi" back! She said she wasn't sure if she should tell me because she was afraid I'd think she's crazy, but the other teacher in the room as well as the director of the center both heard her say it. :) I believe it because I swear she's said "yeah" to me before when we were talking (poor English, I know, but I do tend to use the word often when we're talking), as well as "mama" (but that was a totally accidental "mamamamamama"). I couldn't be prouder!

School Pictures

We got the school pictures back on Thursday. They were taken on September 9, 2005. I think they could have been better (I really hate where they put her bow, for example) but they're not too bad. :)

In contract, on the sidebar is a picture I took that morning before bringing Margaret to daycare.

Still sniffly today. Poor thing. She screamed for a good hour or so this morning, too. No idea what's wrong with her, other than her sniffly nose. She doesn't have a fever, but I gave her a little Tylenol for the apparent pain she's having. And I'm encouraging naps as much as possible today. She doesn't always cooperate, but she definitely needs it right now. In fact, I think I'll go join her...

Sniffles

Margaret is sick again. No fever, but she's congested and coughing a bit. It's been a struggle to get her to eat even with sucking out her nose before each feeding. And she's been really cranky. Poor thing! So far, Brian and I show no signs of having acquired this cold as well, but I'm not crossing any fingers. It's pretty likely that whatever she gets, we'll get, until her immune system works better.

100 days. That's how old Margaret was today. Triple digits! I remember how excited I was when I hit 100 days pregnant. And 100 days left until my due date. Now, our little girl is 100 days old. Time really flies these days.

That Warm & Fuzzy Feeling

I think the people at Margaret's "school" are experts in saying just what you need to hear. Every time I go to drop her off or pick her up, they say something that warms my heart and makes it swell with pride. This morning, the head teacher (Miss E) told me that she thinks Margaret will be a smart baby. She said that normally when she talks to the babies, they look about not paying any attention to her. But when she talks to Margaret, she stares intently at her, responding like she understands what's being said, even trying to take part in the conversation. I've noticed this, too, and found it pretty eerie, but didn't think much about it since I figured it was normal. Maybe it is and Miss E is just saying this to make me feel better about leaving Margaret there every day. Regardless, it did the trick. It's nice to brag about your baby, but it's even better to hear someone else do it. :D

ETA: Oh yeah! I almost forgot! Margaret had her 3 month check-up on Friday (her pediatrician likes to see them a little more frequently than the guidelines suggest). Drumroll please... Our little chub-a-lub is now 17 pounds 8 ounces and 25.25 inches tall! She is only 12 ounces away from doubling her birth weight (probably less by today) and has grown nearly 5 inches since birth! I think her head was 16.5 inches, too... Forget 90th or 95th percentile...she is off the charts! Even the pediatrician (Dr. C) said "You're not a 3 month old!" when he came in to see her. Dr. C said she has excellent coordination for a baby her age and great muscle tone. :D The people at the daycare had been pestering me a little bit about Margaret's issues with gas, asking me what the doctor said. I told Dr. C and he told me to tell them "Too bad! Deal with it!" LOL! We ran into her other pediatrician on the way out (Dr. C's wife, Dr. M) and she was also impressed with Margaret's size, even though she only saw her a week and a half before for her sick visit. I hope she slows down on her growth soon, though... We have so many beautiful fall clothes that she'll grow out of soon and the weather simply isn't cooperating in letting me put them on her!

Stupid Insurance

I am responding to your inquiry concerning coverage for an intrauterine device. I confirmed our benefits and I regret to
inform you that intrauterine devices are not covered under your
policy.

Let's for a moment just ignore the glaring misspelling... What sense does it make for an insurance company to cover 6 pills a month of Viagra (or similar product for female sexual dysfunction) AND elective abortions, but not contraceptive devices? Obviously it's not for moral reasons since they would pay for me to have an elective abortion, if I so chose (which I would not). Wouldn't it be cheaper to help in family planning than to make it somewhat cost-prohibitive, thereby potentially increasing what they have to pay out by having the subscriber end up with more dependents who require health care, as well as $11,000 hospital deliveries? Or maybe there's no logic at the health insurance company...

I guess Mirena is out for me.

Stupid insurance...

Guess How Much I Love You

I've been meaning to post about this for a few weeks now! When I went back to work, Margaret and I made a trip to K Mart to pick up some CDs for her to listen to in the car. I figured that since she was listening to kids' songs all day, maybe I should learn some of them or at least have them available for her at home. On this trip, I found a 2-CD set called "Guess How Much I Love You." It starts with a reading of the book of the same title by its author. And I have to say, I LOVE his reading! He has an awesome accent (Scotch?) and a wonderfully expressive way of reading the tale. The rest of that first CD also has soothing lullabyes. The first time I listened to it in the car, I was pretty sleepy and it did NOT help me with that. Which means it does what it's supposed to. The 2nd CD has nature sounds incorporated into music. I really do love this set and I find that I oftentimes leave it on even when she's not in the car.

On a more sensitive level, I'm having issues with the birth control pills I started at my 6 week post-partum visit. The first 4 weeks were fine, but after AF arrived, she hasn't seemed to want to stay away for long. I've probably had some sort of bleeding for at least 22 of the last 28 days. Not fun at all. And now AF is back again. Hardly seems to be worth the trouble of trying to remember to take them every day (which I only had 1 day that I was a couple hours late taking it) if they're not going to regulate my cycle. I am mainly taking it because of my irregular cycles due to PCOS. Well, that and that we won't be ready for #2 for another 3 or 4 years. Someone on FF recommended getting Mirena implanted instead. I guess it's supposed to be good for 5 years? It would certainly help with the problem of remembering to take a pill every day... But the side effects listed include irregular bleeding for up to 6 months! Yuck! I'm also not sure if my insurance will pay for it. I looked at my policy today and it said no contraceptive products. I imagine an IUD would fall under that. Which is stupid because they'll pay for Viagra and elective abortions. :( In Connecticut, a law was enacted on October 1, 1999 requiring all insurance providers to cover the cost of contraceptives... however, mine still doesn't. I believe they used the argument before that because we are on a municipal plan, we have to negotiate for that coverage. Doesn't make sense to me, but I've tried several times now to get the bargaining unit of our union to negotiate for it and they still won't. I finally sent them a letter today asking them specifically why they're not covered and I included the text of the law, mentioning that if I do not find a satisfactory resolution, I will take it to a higher authority. I did hear that 2 women in another municipality successfully sued them over this problem when the law first was enacted.

But I'm going off topic... Anyway, do any of you have experience with Mirena? Would you recommend it? Any problems I should know about? Did it negatively affect your fertility after you had it removed? Any input would be greatly appreciated!

My Busy Week

I've been trying to get more organized lately. No easy task when you have an infant. But the house has fallen into disarray for long enough...it's time to crawl out from the muck and grime and get it back in order. However, when I actually made out my schedule for the week, I was at a loss as to when I would fit in the menial tasks. Sure, there aren't many. But I prefer to keep weekends as time with Maggie. Well, I actually prefer to keep any time that she's awake as her time. And since her naps are entirely unpredictable (for example, Friday she napped almost all day...and Saturday, she napped for a grand total of 1 hour), it's hard to schedule out when I can do things. But maybe just having a schedule in front of me of what MUST be done, with a note as to what SHOULD be done (which again, isn't as much as it seemed like before putting it down on paper) will be enough to get me back in line. My Week ... I only hope that none of you are grossed out by my infrequent cleaning. I'm no Fly Lady, after all! :)

The good news is that Maggie slept through the night again last night. She made it to 6AM today. Of course, she was noisy during much of the night so I didn't sleep well. I kept expecting her to wake up at any moment. I guess I'll never get restful sleep again...

Baby Stuff

Wow, over a week has gone by since my last post!

I'm still sick...Margaret is fine. We actually kept her home from daycare on Tuesday and brought her to the doctor because she was fussier than usual and had a temp of 99.6 degrees. I wondered if she had an ear infection, but her doctor said her ears looked fine. Our big piggy is now 16 pounds 15 ounces!! And that was almost a week ago, so I bet she's over 17 pounds now! She has her 3 month appointment on Friday so I'll find out then, as well as how long she is now. I had been holding aside some 6-9 and 6-12 months clothes for her, but when I put one of them on her the other day, I found they're already fitting her perfectly (and some are too small!). Wow!

On Friday they had school pictures at Margaret's daycare. I couldn't resist and had hers done. I can't wait to see how they turned out! :) I just thought it would be so cute to be able to say that her first school pictures were done when she was only 12 weeks old...

Does anyone know why a baby would consistently sleep through the night for 6 weeks and then suddenly stop? For 3 nights in a row now, Margaret has woken up at 3 or 4AM, when she usually sleeps until around 6AM. I checked her gums just in case she was teething early (especially since she's been really cranky these last couple of days, too) but it doesn't look or feel like anything is trying to come through. Although she did chomp down on my finger and chew on it, something she's never done before. Usually she just sucks on your finger if you put it in her mouth.

Doing Well...and Not

Maggie is doing very well at daycare. She's happy to be there and I hear their biggest problem is that she smiles too much when they feed her. She has quickly become a favorite of much of the staff (at least, that's what I've been told). Her head teacher told me they were arguing over whose favorite Margaret would be, but she said they can't have her because Margaret is HER favorite. :) I'm feeling a lot better about daycare this week. She seems to be enjoying it and she's getting the attention I've been hoping for (I haven't seen her in the swing in a week now!), so I figure, "if it ain't broken, don't fix it!" I'll leave the arrangements the way they are for now.... But will keep in mind alternatives should they become necessary down the road.

We have our first daycare cold. Both of us. I figured she probably was coming down with something when I started to cough a little and get a sore throat. Yesterday, Maggie was coughing and a little congested when she woke up. But seeing as she did not have a fever, and coughing and congestion are not on the "forbidden" list of symptoms, she went to daycare anyway. It was a 9 hour work day for me and I couldn't afford to be giving up sick time so soon. I expected a call from them at some point, but never did hear from them. And when I got home last night, she was sounding a lot better. Lucky duck! I feel like I've been hit by a bus! I warned my boss yesterday that there was a pretty good chance I wouldn't be in today... Not sure yet if I'm staying home, though. She's still asleep so I don't know how she's doing yet. If she's still sick, I will stay home and take her to the doctor. Just to be safe...

*********

A bit of a rant here... I'm so PO'd about the gas prices right now! I feel for all of the hurricane victims, but yowsers! Jumping over $.60 per gallon in 24 hours is ridiculous!! With the whopping 14 mpg I get with my Blazer (which I was not aware the fuel mileage was so poor when I purchased it, otherwise I never would have!), I'm getting hit hard...and there's no breathing room in our budget for this! They're saying it will hit $4/gallon shortly (yesterday, I saw $3.24/gallon). I remember when I worked at the gas station... it was one of my first jobs. Gas was $1.25/gallon when I started, and people were outraged when it went up to $1.35/gallon. This was only 10 years ago. It seems that inflation is out of control. The cost of things is rising at a much faster pace than incomes, and it's getting harder and harder to keep up. Think of how many years it took to get to $1.25/gallon...yet, we'll have tripled that soon in only 10 years' time. Ridiculous!! If I'm struggling, how is it that people on minimum wage are surviving? It doesn't seem possible!

What's Been Going On

(Is that even proper English?)

It seems I just haven't had the time to get on here and update lately. After getting home from work, we still have to feed Maggie twice, play with her, make dinner, do the dishes (or at least, wash the bottles), do laundry...and then, I'll have run out of time because it's time for bed. The cycle starts all over again the next day. It's not a cycle of which I'm fond, however, it's the cycle with which I am stuck currently.

My father called on Wednesday to say he was thinking about us. He asked me once again if it was really worth it for me to work. And, as I told him many times before, I had to explain to him that we cannot afford for me to NOT work. I told him that I had just applied for another night job, this one at St. Francis Hospital in Hartford. However, it's about an hour's drive from our house. He didn't seem to think it was worth the drive. But it's not like you can raise a family on minimum wage, which is all that's available around here for night jobs.

We did have a pleasant surprise on Wednesday, though. A co-worker in the City Clerk's Office called me down to let me know her daughter-in-law and grandson were there visiting. I had spoken with her DIL a few times while I was pregnant as she was due only a few months before I was. I really liked her, although she was "different" (some would use the terms "granola" or "crunchy" to describe her). Once she found out that Maggie was in daycare while I was at work, she immediately volunteered to watch her a few days a week. They have an elderly dog that needs to be put down, so she would have to do that first. But she was very willing, mentioning her offer several times in our conversation. She used to be a nanny and is very much into attachment parenting (her 5-month-old son was in a sling during our entire conversation, if that's any indication), so I have no doubt she would be an excellent child care provider for Margaret. However, she did mention that she used to earn $14/hr as a nanny, so I have no idea if we can afford her help. We were discussing the part-time rate at the daycare center ($50/day) and that's how her previous wages came into the conversation, but she did say she wouldn't charge that much. In any case, I plan on calling her this week to set up a time to sit down together and talk this through seriously, as well as to have her meet Margaret and have Margaret meet her son. It won't save us any money, most likely, but at least she'd get more one-on-one care for a few days a week. Depending on the days she's willing to take, I may also be able to have my aunt watch her on Mondays, leaving me with only 1 or 2 days a week that I'd have to send Margaret to daycare. I felt so much better after talking with her, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up since we haven't discussed any details yet.

Last night was my father-in-law's "Thanksgiving in August" dinner at the Avon Old Farms Inn. He always spends Thanksgivings with his brother in the Adirondacks, so it's not totally out of the question that he would do something like this. It's also not the first time he's thrown a party just to throw a party. But he felt that there were so many wonderful things that happened in our family during the last year that it was worth celebrating. So we got together, celebrating new jobs, new additions to the family, and new relationships. Maggie was passed among us as we had forgotten to bring her infant carrier since she now rides in her infant-toddler convertible carseat. Brian and I do not have fancy palates, so celebrations like this are usually challenging for us since there is usually little on the menu that appeals to us. As expected, the only thing appealing was the prime rib, something I don't usually eat because of how fatty the meat is. It was delicious, however somewhat humiliating since my mother-in-law ended up cutting up my meat for me so I could eat while holding a sleeping Margaret. I'm sure the people working there thought it was strange that we would bring a baby along to a fancy restaurant, but she was invited and a guest of honor. There was no way we could have left her behind! And I'm glad I didn't have to!

Here I sit, dreading Monday's arrival. Once again, I will have to kiss my baby goodbye and spend my day as a prisoner of the office. I'll spend the day wondering if she's doing well, if they left her in the swing all day (we've found her in the swing several more times when visiting or picking Margaret up, which is really getting on my nerves!) or if she's screaming in discomfort or unhappiness. But the thing that I hate most is that, when I really settle in and get into the groove at work, it becomes too easy to almost forget that I even have a baby. Does that make sense? Has this happened to anyone else? It's too much like "business as usual" and so much of a reflex when I'm at work that, in her absense, as well as the lack of the home routine, it's too easy to fall back into my "old" life in which I was not a mom. And I HATE that. I don't want to "forget" that she exists, I want her with me during every moment of my day. I don't want to be conversing with adults, I want to talk babytalk with her. And I certainly don't want to deal with unhappy taxpayers. I'll take Maggie's screaming fits and poopy diapers any day over that! But I have to... Otherwise, there will be no food for Maggie or us...no roof over our heads...no clothes on our backs...no heat or air conditioning...no electricity. I take in half of our income and we need every penny of it. Until I can find something at night at which I can take home at least as much as I'm left with now after paying for daycare, I'm stuck being a reluctant secretary working full-time both in and out of the home. I feel like whining "It's not fair!!!" but then I remember the response my mom always gave me..."Life isn't fair." How true.

A Different Child

Another thing I came across on FF today that made me teary-eyed:

A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.

You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Spirit Baby

I saw this on FF (it came from http://babycatcher.net) and it made me cry:

Spirit Baby

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.

Stunned when the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."

I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?

"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.

"But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."

In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.

Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"

He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.

"Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"

Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."

It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision.
So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.

I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.

It's not exactly my view on the topic, but it's beautiful nonetheless...

I'm Miserable Without Her

Today was worse for me than yesterday was. I hate having to do this. All I want to do is be home with my baby...

I emailed the YMCA daycare about any openings, since they're about 1 minute from where I work and between my house and work. No openings. She said she could put me on the waiting list, but what good does that do me? I want her closer NOW.

Or better yet, I want to stay home with her. :( I hate myself for getting into this situation... We should have paid off our debt enough for me to stay home before TTC. Or even better, I never should have used those credit cards in the first place. The price I have to pay is too high...

It Went Well

...for Maggie, anyway. She didn't even seem to notice that I had left her. When I dropped her off this morning, there were two little boys playing on the floor and she was far more interested in them than me. She didn't even look at me when I kissed her goodbye and left. I cried the whole way to work. Am I that easily replaced that she didn't even care that I left?

They tried to be helpful at work. I had tons of mommies telling me about the first time they left their little ones. They survived and they knew I would, too. My coworkers even gave me a welcome back card. Well, it actually said "Hugs" on it. They totally understood. They tried to keep me positive, making me laugh when they asked if I had brought in a picture of Maggie, and decided that I had set up a shrine when they saw all the pictures I had with me.

I wasn't going to call. I didn't want to be one of "those" mommies. But I did. At 10:20, nearly 2.5 hours after dropping her off, I called. They said she was doing well. She had taken a whole bottle and a little nap. No crying.

When lunch time rolled around, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. On the one hand, visiting her could disrupt her. I didn't want her to be upset by mommy coming and leaving if she was doing well. On the other hand, I didn't know what to do with myself for an hour. Unbelievable, right? Me, an adult woman, could not figure out what to do with herself when totally alone for the first time in nearly 10 weeks. And I couldn't bear the thought of being alone when I knew I could see her. So I dropped by. She was in the swing (you know, the thing she can't stand at home). They had on a CD of children's songs and she was looking around the room. content as could be. I kneeled down to get on her level and was rewarded with a smile. Apparently, she had been happy and smiley all day (it was nearly 1:30 at this point). The head teacher did say it took her about 45 minutes to get Maggie to drink all of her bottle, but that's pretty normal. She also said they had a hard time getting her to nap in the crib. As soon as she'd be put down in the crib, she'd wake right up. She does that at home for naps, too. So the head teacher had rocked her in the glider for a bit and she smiled away until she fell asleep. She said that Maggie was doing so well for a first-timer. I left her again after 15 minutes.

Once again, I was plagued with thoughts about how easily I was replaced... how she didn't seem to miss me at all. That's great for her that she's adjusting so well, but it broke my heart that she didn't cry at all. Am I insane? I certainly sound it... Who would want their child to cry?

Brian called me later and tried to reassure me that I was not replaced and that she did in fact miss me. That she does know who I am as I am pretty much the only person she's been with for all of her life. It was nice to hear it, but I wasn't convinced.

When I picked her up, she was asleep in the swing. (I hope she didn't spend the bulk of her day in the swing!) Once again, I was told that she did so well. I got her home and guess what? She started crying! So then I started to wonder what was so magical about them that she didn't cry all day, but she cried for me shortly after picking her up. Granted, it didn't last long and she was smiling shortly thereafter. But it still hurt.

Day 1 down...