Just As Predicted... [UPDATED]

1) Maggie did not sleep through the night last night. The previous 2 nights must have been a fluke. We were back to waking up around 3:30AM and then 7AM. At least I knew to expect it...

2) I don't want to return to work. I took a class in college called Career Directions because I had no idea what I wanted to do. The end result? We found that "career" would never be my highest priority...that family was. Can't say I was surprised.

Everyone predicted when I went out on maternity leave that I wouldn't want to return. I didn't argue with them, but I knew I would have to because we NEED the money. Now that I'm getting closer to my return to work date, though, I'm getting more frantic. I'm sure the people at the daycare she will attend are more than capable, but I can't stand the thought of her spending her day with anyone other than me. I haven't even allowed *anyone* to watch her yet, not even her grandparents or aunts. Yet, I'm supposed to leave her in the care of strangers all day for 5 days a week! I can't stand it! The problem? We have too many bills for me to not work at all. So I have to find a night job that would be acceptable to me (I'll admit, I'm pretty picky) and would enable me to earn enough money to pay the bills (at least $200 after taxes, since that's about what I'd be left with after paying for daycare anyway). Not an easy task, especially since at my current job, I get paid well above the average wage in this area. And I carry our insurance, so Brian would have to start paying for that through his employer...which it costs more and their health insurance isn't as good. I wouldn't even be able to see my endocrinologist anymore on his plan. On top of that, my job is incredibly stable. I'm more than half way up the seniority ladder, and am the most senior person in the office (aside from my boss). I would have to screw up really badly, and several times at that, in order to lose my job. Brian's father already had a talk with him about how if anyone should be looking for a job on a different shift, it should be him since his job isn't as secure.

In spite of the logical reasons to stay, I don't want to! I want to spend my days with her! Brian gave me a hard time when I shared this with him this morning. He teased me, saying "What will you do when it's time for her to go to school? Keep her home?!" Ironically, I used to insist that I would home school our children, so what he said is not that far off. But I told him that by then, she'd be past this early formative period and I'd be fine with her going to school. More so than giving her up now, anyway.

So what's a girl to do? I have to return to my job regardless. Otherwise, I have to repay them for the insurance premiums they paid while I was out. I don't have any specifics, but I'm sure it would be in the thousands. I could go back for a week and then give my 2 weeks' notice. I am entitled to another 4 weeks of sick time, plus 2 days of personal time, and the pension money I've been accumulating for the last 7 years. That should buy me some time to find another job. However, that would require Maggie to attend daycare for 3 weeks... Not a situation I'm fond of at all. But if I were to quit, I couldn't leave any sooner. It would be totally irresponsible.

I'm so conflicted. I wish I could come to a resolution on this since it's been weighing heavily on my mind... I had a hard time falling asleep last night because it was all I could think about.

EDITED TO ADD: I reviewed the medical insurance info from Brian's employer this evening. Since I currently carry our insurance, we would have to switch to his if I quit. However, while I pay $48/month for our insurance (which is fantastic!), he would have to pay $240/month for a less-than-stellar plan. The co-pays are higher, we'd have to pay 10% after the co-pay since they only pay 90%, my endocrinologist is considered out of network... The list goes on and on. I can't quit!! Not unless I can find a job that offers equal or better insurance, which is highly unlikely for a job that would start at 6PM (the time I'd like to start). :( I'm not fond of my job to begin with...but now that I know I am trapped there, I am REALLY dreading the return now. I suppose I should have looked into this sooner, but I always assumed I would just quit eventually and find a night job. I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to. Now it's what will be keeping me from my child... I hate that!