Post #299

I couldn't think of a title. :)

Things are a little better. Brian apologized when he got home from work Tuesday. It was a long day for both of us. He said he immediately wished he could have taken back what he said, and he was really mad at himself for sleeping in. He has made an effort since then to get up earlier. And I've tried to do whatever I can to make sure he leaves on time. I don't think we've really addressed the heart of the matter, but we haven't really had the time to either. At least I'm not ready to kick him out of the house now. :)

I've been really hormonal lately. Part of it most definitely is due to the fact that I can't seem to remember to take my BCPs. At least 3 times this month, I've had to double up on them (and once, I had to triple up!). Good thing we've been too sick to toy with fate. I'm just too tired right now and I've sort of gotten over the temporary baby fever that drove me crazy recently. Although, when I was pregnant, I was so calm all the time. I miss that.

Margaret is about the same. Still wheezy, but happy. We spend nearly an hour every day doing breathing treatments, plus any she may need while at daycare. I can't wait until she gets off of antibiotics (her last dose is tonight). Cloth diapering through it has not been fun. Especially since she has a tendency to feel abandoned if you put her down after changing her and run off to the bathroom to rinse off the dirty diaper. This morning, I simply popped her into my fleece pouch and slid her onto my back so I could deal with the task at hand without having her scream her head off. She still tried to grab at everything, but at least her hands were safely away from the ick she produced.

How do you know if you're getting burned out? I fear I'm on the verge of it.

And while we will find ourselves on Antigua in less than 3 weeks, it won't be a vacation from "it all." I'll still have to worry about feedings (and how the heck I'll manage bottles without a fridge or safe water supply), diapers, washing bottles, (fortunately, not washing diapers...I'm taking a vacation from cloth), naps, and all that baby stuff. Plus traveling with a baby. It may end up being more stressful than staying home. I'm sure we'll have a great time, but I may end up needing a vacation after our vacation just to recover.

Stress

There are so many stressors in life. Since my miscarriage in July 2004, I've tried my best to not let them get to me. I've tried...

But being sick, and having a child, makes it much more difficult to deal with stress. And so, it's getting to me.

I ended up taking Margaret to the emergency room yesterday. Daycare called about 45 minutes after my work day started, concerned because she was having difficulty breathing. I told them I'd come to get her, and tried to call her doctor's office before I left work. I got the answering service, even though it was 9:15...and I got disconnected while I was on hold. This threw me into quite the fit. By the time I picked Margaret up, her breathing was much better. They told me they had no problem with her staying if she had a breathing treatment, or if they got authorization to give them. Seeing as I couldn't get in touch with her doctor, however, I brought her straight to the hospital. I wanted to ensure there wasn't something else wrong with her.

After a nasal RSV test and a chest x-ray, the diagnosis is the same as before. Bronchiolitis, although not the type caused by RSV. That test was negative. Treatment: continue with the breathing treatments. :-/ I finally got in touch with her pediatrician at around 2PM and was able to get them to give authorization for nebulizer treatments at daycare. I also got a prescription for a nebulizer so I could buy a 2nd one to keep exclusively at daycare. However, it will be about a week before that 2nd nebulizer arrives.

This morning was pure hell. Brian didn't set his alarm clock so he was running behind. I did what I always do... get bottles ready and labeled, get food ready for daycare, fill out forms for daycare, feed Margaret her bottle, start her solids (Brian usually finishes her solids). Brian gave her the Pulmicort breathing treatment, but not Albuterol. So I had to fit that in, after stuffing and packing the cloth dipes for daycare, as well as changing a disgustingly messy poopy diaper, rinsing off said diaper, and packing myself up for the day. I ended up leaving the house 15 minutes late, and I almost forgot her antibiotic.

In the middle of all of this, Brian actually had the nerve to tell me that I need to get up earlier. I already wake up 2.5-2.75 hrs before I have to be at work. He's barely managing 1.75 hrs before work lately. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how this isn't fair, especially considering I also stay up later with everything that needs to be done at night. I am SEETHING right now with rage. We've had this discussion over and over again about his time mis-management in the morning. But for him to blame ME because I expect some help from him in the morning is absurd. He's well-known for taking 30-40 minute showers (mine are a measly 10 minutes, at the most). Plus all the time he spends in the bathroom before the shower. BUT I'm to blame.

I told him before that I would start taking showers at night since he doesn't leave me much time in the morning, but I'd need to cut my hair short because I can't do that with longer hair. He flat out refused to let me cut my hair. I'm so mad right now, though, that I'm about ready to have it buzz-cut.

I don't like the person I am right now. I don't like that I become this person because of the nonsense that escapes from his lips. And the selfishness he exhibits. There's so much more to this, and I really am in no mood to go listing off every marital issue we've had. But the stress... It's really the last thing I need right now...

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

For the 3rd time, I've relapsed with this virus. No appetite, nausea, ears are killing me, sore throat, cough, and sinus pain. I sent Margaret to daycare, as she seems to be doing well, and took myself to the walk in clinic. Just as I suspected, the diagnosis: virus. Apparently, there's some crazy mutant virus going around right now that's an equal opportunity bug, making you sick in just about every way possible. Since I am prone to sinus infections, she looked carefully to see if there were any signs that a bacterial infection was developing. Fortunately, there aren't any. So I have to rest and drink lots of fluids, steam and humidifier at night. The usual. At least with Margaret at daycare today I have a chance of getting some rest.

She's still wheezy, but happy. I believe the doctor called her a "Happy Wheezer." She was a bit unsure when I dropped her off at daycare today. Totally understandable since it's been almost a week since she was there last. I had to remember to tell them how much more mobile she is now, too. If there aren't any mobile babies in the room, they don't put up the gate. They'll be needing it now. I'm sure it will be rough since she's been with me for so long. But she loves the ladies at daycare, and they love her, too. She's in good hands.

I remember when I was TTC I worried about illnesses like this. How would I ever manage to take care of my kids while sick? I've found that you find a way. It's not fun, and you're not helping yourself any in getting over what you have, but you do what you have to do. She spent a bit more time in the Exersaucer than I would have liked, and I'll admit that I let her watch some TV with me (shudder at the thought, I know... I had planned on no TV until she was 2!), but we've made it. So far, anyway. :) And I'm sure we'll make it again. And again. And again. Now I wonder.... how do you do it with 2 kids?

I'll Huff, and I'll Puff, and I'll Blow Your House Down

We're pretty lucky in that where we live (Connecticut) is usually fairly free of natural disasters. Sure, we get our Nor'easter snow storms, but to be honest, they've been few and far between lately. They're not what they used to be. However, the weather is always changing... and it's been pretty weird recently. Winters around here usually bring temps around freezing, maybe a bit below at this point, with some snow. Instead, temps keep ending up in the 40s-50s and we're getting a lot of rain. A lot. Today, we're predicted to get about 2 inches. It may not sound like much, but when the ground is pretty much frozen other than the top layer, it's not exactly a good thing. Flood watches are in effect, and the water is pouring into our basement right now. Fortunately, there's a sump pump down there to take care of it.

However, we're also under Wind Advisory. (Or is it Wind Watch? I can't keep them straight!) Winds are supposed to be sustained at near 40 mph for at least an hour, with gusts up to 60 mph throughout much of the day (at least, that's how they defined the advisory...). I can hear the wind blowing outside right now, and I'm so grateful that it's not cold because our apartment is anything but air-tight. Hopefully, we won't lose power. Otherwise, that Flood Watch will be a big problem for us.

When we owned this house, Brian and I once awoke after a November ice storm to find that we had no power. I don't know exactly how long it had been out, but it was probably near 4 hours. Sure enough, the basement was full of water. We spent the next 4 hours manually bailing it out until the power came back on. And we were lucky. We're on the same grid as the hospital, so power usually is turned back on as quickly as possible. Others who lost power in that storm had to wait it out up to 4 days for it to return. I cannot bail out the basement by myself with a baby in tow, so that power better stay on this time!

(Oh yeah, I'm starting to feel much better. I'm not queasy anymore, which is good. I lost nearly 5 lbs while sick, but now I have a voracious appetite so I'm sure I'll put it back on pretty quickly. Margaret is still pretty wheezy, but no worse. We plan on returning to the real world tomorrow.)

Another Day Sick

I can't believe how much of a relapse I had today! I was feeling a bit better yesterday, even eating real food again. Last night, I got barely any sleep because my stomach was in a state of constant turmoil. Then the diarrhea returned this morning. And the constant state of nausea. I couldn't stomach the thought of any food. I managed 3 Saltines at around noon, and some plain sticky white rice a few hours later, but that's all I've eaten today. On top of the nausea, I now have post-nasal drip, some sinus pressure, sneezing, and coughing. And when I cough, my lower right ribs hurt. Oh yeah, and my ears hurt. I stayed home from work today (yesterday was a holiday). Fortunately, Brian stayed home today as well and helped out.

We brought Margaret to see her pediatrician because she's been wheezing pretty badly and had quite a bit of chest congestion. Plus she was screaming her head off this morning. It turns out that she has pretty bad ear infections in both ears and the doctor mentioned bronchiolitis again. I'm a bit puzzled by the latter, since I was under the impression from our last visit that he felt she had asthma and not bronchiolitis. But he says her symptoms point to that, and there's really nothing they can do for it. We'll continue with Pulmicort and Albuterol nebulizer treatments, but that's about all that's available for treatment for symptoms of bronchiolitis. It's basically a waiting game. He did prescribe amoxicillin for her ear infections, though.

I'll definitely be home again tomorrow. Besides how I feel, I want to give the antibiotics a chance to get into Margaret's system before she goes back to daycare. I was surprised when I called to give my boss an update this afternoon and she seemed understanding about me taking time off right now. I guess it's because I told her I was staying home for Margaret and downplayed my own illness. I told her the doctor cleared Margaret to return to school on Thursday and she actually said we'll see how it goes.

Of course, it also sucks that I have to pay for daycare all this week, even though she won't be there the bulk of this week. I'm very fortunate that I have so much earned sick time accumulated, because I could be in quite the financial bind due to an illness like this so early in the year.

Damn Flu

I think we were struck with the flu. I'm keeping things down today, but I'm achey all over and extremely tired. My stomach is still feeling queasy, too. Brian is now sick, so I had to suck it up and take care of Margaret today. She's mostly happy, but she's still having the occasional episode of diarrhea - one definite down side to using cloth diapers.

Somewhere in the mess of this past weekend, Margaret's first tooth popped through! I noticed it this morning when I gave her a bottle. It looks like it just came through, so it was probably within the last 12-24 hours that it happened (expert that I am ;) ). She took it so well, all things considered! Nothing like being hit with the flu and getting your first tooth in, all at the same time!

My baby is growing up... She's 7 months old today. Trying to crawl (definitely mobile, although not in any sort of formal way) and wanting to do everything for herself. Today was the first time that she really tried to take control of her feedings, too. She held the bottles so well. We tried a sippy cup, but she seems to want to play with it more than drink out of it. She'd rather sit straight up, which doesn't work too well when you don't understand that you need to knock your head back to drink out of a cup. But it was cute to watch.

She Got Me!

I've been up (on and off) since 3:30AM, puking and having a nasty bout of diarrhea. Why is it when Margaret gets sick, she handles it so much better (and it's a milder case)? Brian wonders if I have the flu.... Which means he'll be next. All I want to do is sleep but my stomach hurts. I almost had Brian bring me to the ER this morning because I couldn't keep any fluids down, and I was about as empty as empty could be. (Well, I thought so. My body has surprised me over and over again since then.) But I'm managing tiny bits of watered down Gatorade, so maybe I'll be okay.

You Know You're A Mom...

...when you get puked on in the bank lobby and you don't even bat an eyelash.

Yup. It was quite the day. Apparently, Margaret had thrown up a bit on Brian this morning. Having not seen how much, and knowing that in the past she had randomly thrown up only twice before (well, *only* thrown up twice before, and the incidents were weeks apart), I sent her to school anyway. He said she had been coughing before she vomitted, so I figured it was just her gag reflex over-reacting. She seemed normal, after all, and no fever was present. I picked her up from daycare around 12:45 (again, she was acting normal) and we went to the bank where my sister works to visit per her request. Margaret was acting quite shy during the visit, and was very quiet. About a half hour after our arrival, she let out a tiny, quick cry so I took her from my sister. Within seconds of the transfer, she started heaving. All over the right sleeve of my jacket, her poncho, and the bank lobby's tile floor. Which of course, caused it to splash back up all over my shoes and pants. I must have been stunned, because I didn't react much at all. Fortunately, my sister cleaned up the mess (I think she was afraid that if she took Margaret from me, she'd get puked on). I don't even know where she was hiding all that came out of her, because it doesn't seem possible that she could have had that much in her. We went home pretty quickly after that.

So Margaret's on Pedialyte exclusively for the next 24-48 hours. She still doesn't have a fever, which is good, but she did grace our presence with some nasty diarrhea not too long ago. Lucky me! Her doctor will be calling in the morning to check on her progress. Hopefully, this is a quick moving bug...

I'm It!

This is my first time being tagged! :)

I've been tagged by Renee, so here goes:

Four Jobs I've had:
1. Gas station attendant. Well, cashier is more like it. It wasn't demanding or stressful and if it had paid better and had benefits, I probably would have done it forever. :) I know, I'm a slacker.
2. Baker's assistant for my aunt at a bakery (this was during one of the layoffs from #3 due to "lack of work")
3. About a million different positions at White Flower Farm, Inc.
4. Secretary for a Municipal Assessor's Office (7 years now, amazingly...)

Four Places I've Lived:
(Well, I've lived in the same town for most of my life, so I'll have to get more specific)
1. Hitchingpost Dr
2. George St
3. Calhoun St
4. Funston Ave

Movies I'd Watch Again:
1. Finding Nemo
2. A Christmas Story
3. Harry Potter (any of them)
4. Me, Myself, and Irene

TV Shows I love to Watch:
1. Lost
2. King of Queens
3. Family Guy
4. Supernanny

4 of My Favorite Foods:
1. Baked Mac & Cheese
2. Chili
3. Chocolate
4. Pizza

Four Places I'd Rather be Right Now:
1. Anywhere but here :)
2. Montana
3. Vermont
4. New Hampshire

4 Bloggers I'd Like to Tag:
1. Kat
2. Kether
3. Crista
4. Blue

Who Woulda Thunk?

Did you know that pumpkins are fruits?

I never really thought much about it, until I saw it on a food introduction guide for babies under the "fruits" category. As are tomatoes (that one I knew), cucumbers, squash, peppers, ... Weird, isn't it? They're fruits because they have seeds in the edible flesh. True vegetables, like carrots, do not.

You learn something new every day.

Random Thoughts

Last night was a key night. Do I or don't I? In the end, I did. Start a new pack of birth control pills, that is. While I suspect that they are the reason why I can't manage to shed the last 15 pregnancy pounds, I think I need to be on them right now. They really do help with my PCOS symptoms in a huge way. And since we're really not TTC right now, I really should be on them. It was an excrutiatingly difficult decision to make. But I made it. For this month, anyway.

Margaret is on the verge of crawling. She gets up on her hands and knees, but when she wants to move, she drops the knees and sort of drags or pushes her body with her arms. She moves backwards more often than frontwards, and does this funny leg kick when she wants to turn. It's cute, but it's also a bit scary. I can't believe she's this grown up already!

We had a doctor's appointment Friday because Margaret has a cough that has persisted for 4 months now. After her examination and my answers to his questions, her doctor decided that she probably has asthma. We have to give her nebulizer treatments twice a day of Pulmicort, and if she has a bad day, then we have to add Albuterol to the mix. It may be that she'll only need this in the winter, but we won't know until we're past it. And it's all my fault because I have asthma...

Ever feel like maybe you shouldn't have had kids? Like you're not "breeding stock"? I worried about that a lot when we were TTC originally. As weird as it may sound, I often thought about dog breeding and how they prefer to have only the best of the best bred for the benefit of the genetic line. Here I am, I have PCOS, asthma, severe allergies, I'm overweight, short, and probably not the best looking person. Certainly not a perfect specimen of the human species, although I'd like to think I'm pretty smart since I always did well in school. I know I probably can't pass PCOS on to the next generation since the studies indicate that it runs through the paternal line (and that's true in my own family)... But the other stuff is all possible. Am I being irresponsible by allowing that genetic code to carry down to the next generation? I love Margaret with all of my heart, and then some... But I feel guilty that she is likely to have my health problems because I wanted a child so badly that I didn't consider the burdens I would be passing down to that child. It breaks my heart knowing that I'm the cause of these problems...

Trying New Things Out

In order to keep life interesting, I'm trying out new babywearing products. One of the most difficult is the wrap, which is essentially a long piece of fabric that you tie on in various ways. It's pretty neat because of it's versatility... But on the other hand, I feel like I have to be a contortionist to get it right. Especially since I'm working with 5 meters (approximately 5.5 yards) of fabric! Here's an attempt at a back carry, with the help of Brian since I couldn't do it myself:

Hopes Dashed

The wicked ole witch arrived last night, with no warning. Which of course, the no warning part had allowed my hopes to get pretty high. I know logically it wasn't likely, but I got so attached to the idea that emotions over-rode logic. I can't wait to get home from work today so I can snuggle with my baby girl.

Margaret still has a pretty bad cough. It's been a couple of months now, so she's going to the doctor this afternoon to get checked out. They did say she probably had bronchiolitis (aka RSV) back in November, but I would have figured it would be gone by now. Guess we'll find out.

Secretly Hoping

I must be crazy. In spite of the fact that my baby girl is only 6.5 months old, I caught the baby fever a couple of months ago and have been quite eager to start trying for child number 2. I don't know if it's that I miss the whole TTC craze, the roller coaster of emotions, having a purpose and a goal at the end, or just the fact that Margaret is growing way too fast and she just doesn't seem like a baby anymore. Brian nixed that idea pretty quickly, though, claiming that not only are we not financially ready (which he's right), he thinks it would be way too difficult to have two children so close in age. He ended up compromising and agreeing that we could start trying again in the Summer of 2006, but would prefer to wait longer.

I've been on Yasmin since my 6 week post-partum checkup. Well, sort of. My brain just isn't what it used to be, and I admit that I haven't been entirely great at remembering to take it. To be fair, I did tell Brian this before and asked him to take some responsibility for his fun and make sure that I remember to take the pills.

Well, the inevitable happened. I forgot to take a pill around cycle day 14. We "did the deed" before I noticed, too. But considering it was unlikely to result in anything, I didn't think much more of it right away.

Then the symptoms started. Nausea and hot flashes. Then the backaches. And finally, very light spotting on Sunday, which would have been prime time for implantation. The ole witch is due tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself and I tested yesterday with a Dollar Tree test. N E G A T I V E. Not even close to being a faint positive in disguise. I was crushed. Brian was relieved. Which made me even more sad. I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable arrival of Aunt Flo.

But the nausea and hot flashes plagued me again today. Against my better judgement, I tested again today. Another negative. Why do I keep torturing myself?

.......

The light at the end of the tunnel? Brian seems to realize how badly I want to try again. And he did say he was a bit sad that I'm not. In spite of the bad timing.

I'm going off my birth control pills once I finish this pack. It may be the hormones in them that are toying with me. And I suspect they are the reason why I can't seem to shed these last 15 pregnancy pounds. At least this will give my body a chance to prepare for when we really are trying. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky before then. ;)