What's Been Going On

(Is that even proper English?)

It seems I just haven't had the time to get on here and update lately. After getting home from work, we still have to feed Maggie twice, play with her, make dinner, do the dishes (or at least, wash the bottles), do laundry...and then, I'll have run out of time because it's time for bed. The cycle starts all over again the next day. It's not a cycle of which I'm fond, however, it's the cycle with which I am stuck currently.

My father called on Wednesday to say he was thinking about us. He asked me once again if it was really worth it for me to work. And, as I told him many times before, I had to explain to him that we cannot afford for me to NOT work. I told him that I had just applied for another night job, this one at St. Francis Hospital in Hartford. However, it's about an hour's drive from our house. He didn't seem to think it was worth the drive. But it's not like you can raise a family on minimum wage, which is all that's available around here for night jobs.

We did have a pleasant surprise on Wednesday, though. A co-worker in the City Clerk's Office called me down to let me know her daughter-in-law and grandson were there visiting. I had spoken with her DIL a few times while I was pregnant as she was due only a few months before I was. I really liked her, although she was "different" (some would use the terms "granola" or "crunchy" to describe her). Once she found out that Maggie was in daycare while I was at work, she immediately volunteered to watch her a few days a week. They have an elderly dog that needs to be put down, so she would have to do that first. But she was very willing, mentioning her offer several times in our conversation. She used to be a nanny and is very much into attachment parenting (her 5-month-old son was in a sling during our entire conversation, if that's any indication), so I have no doubt she would be an excellent child care provider for Margaret. However, she did mention that she used to earn $14/hr as a nanny, so I have no idea if we can afford her help. We were discussing the part-time rate at the daycare center ($50/day) and that's how her previous wages came into the conversation, but she did say she wouldn't charge that much. In any case, I plan on calling her this week to set up a time to sit down together and talk this through seriously, as well as to have her meet Margaret and have Margaret meet her son. It won't save us any money, most likely, but at least she'd get more one-on-one care for a few days a week. Depending on the days she's willing to take, I may also be able to have my aunt watch her on Mondays, leaving me with only 1 or 2 days a week that I'd have to send Margaret to daycare. I felt so much better after talking with her, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up since we haven't discussed any details yet.

Last night was my father-in-law's "Thanksgiving in August" dinner at the Avon Old Farms Inn. He always spends Thanksgivings with his brother in the Adirondacks, so it's not totally out of the question that he would do something like this. It's also not the first time he's thrown a party just to throw a party. But he felt that there were so many wonderful things that happened in our family during the last year that it was worth celebrating. So we got together, celebrating new jobs, new additions to the family, and new relationships. Maggie was passed among us as we had forgotten to bring her infant carrier since she now rides in her infant-toddler convertible carseat. Brian and I do not have fancy palates, so celebrations like this are usually challenging for us since there is usually little on the menu that appeals to us. As expected, the only thing appealing was the prime rib, something I don't usually eat because of how fatty the meat is. It was delicious, however somewhat humiliating since my mother-in-law ended up cutting up my meat for me so I could eat while holding a sleeping Margaret. I'm sure the people working there thought it was strange that we would bring a baby along to a fancy restaurant, but she was invited and a guest of honor. There was no way we could have left her behind! And I'm glad I didn't have to!

Here I sit, dreading Monday's arrival. Once again, I will have to kiss my baby goodbye and spend my day as a prisoner of the office. I'll spend the day wondering if she's doing well, if they left her in the swing all day (we've found her in the swing several more times when visiting or picking Margaret up, which is really getting on my nerves!) or if she's screaming in discomfort or unhappiness. But the thing that I hate most is that, when I really settle in and get into the groove at work, it becomes too easy to almost forget that I even have a baby. Does that make sense? Has this happened to anyone else? It's too much like "business as usual" and so much of a reflex when I'm at work that, in her absense, as well as the lack of the home routine, it's too easy to fall back into my "old" life in which I was not a mom. And I HATE that. I don't want to "forget" that she exists, I want her with me during every moment of my day. I don't want to be conversing with adults, I want to talk babytalk with her. And I certainly don't want to deal with unhappy taxpayers. I'll take Maggie's screaming fits and poopy diapers any day over that! But I have to... Otherwise, there will be no food for Maggie or us...no roof over our heads...no clothes on our backs...no heat or air conditioning...no electricity. I take in half of our income and we need every penny of it. Until I can find something at night at which I can take home at least as much as I'm left with now after paying for daycare, I'm stuck being a reluctant secretary working full-time both in and out of the home. I feel like whining "It's not fair!!!" but then I remember the response my mom always gave me..."Life isn't fair." How true.

A Different Child

Another thing I came across on FF today that made me teary-eyed:

A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.

You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Spirit Baby

I saw this on FF (it came from http://babycatcher.net) and it made me cry:

Spirit Baby

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.

Stunned when the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."

I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?

"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.

"But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."

In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.

Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"

He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.

"Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"

Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."

It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision.
So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.

I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.

It's not exactly my view on the topic, but it's beautiful nonetheless...

I'm Miserable Without Her

Today was worse for me than yesterday was. I hate having to do this. All I want to do is be home with my baby...

I emailed the YMCA daycare about any openings, since they're about 1 minute from where I work and between my house and work. No openings. She said she could put me on the waiting list, but what good does that do me? I want her closer NOW.

Or better yet, I want to stay home with her. :( I hate myself for getting into this situation... We should have paid off our debt enough for me to stay home before TTC. Or even better, I never should have used those credit cards in the first place. The price I have to pay is too high...

It Went Well

...for Maggie, anyway. She didn't even seem to notice that I had left her. When I dropped her off this morning, there were two little boys playing on the floor and she was far more interested in them than me. She didn't even look at me when I kissed her goodbye and left. I cried the whole way to work. Am I that easily replaced that she didn't even care that I left?

They tried to be helpful at work. I had tons of mommies telling me about the first time they left their little ones. They survived and they knew I would, too. My coworkers even gave me a welcome back card. Well, it actually said "Hugs" on it. They totally understood. They tried to keep me positive, making me laugh when they asked if I had brought in a picture of Maggie, and decided that I had set up a shrine when they saw all the pictures I had with me.

I wasn't going to call. I didn't want to be one of "those" mommies. But I did. At 10:20, nearly 2.5 hours after dropping her off, I called. They said she was doing well. She had taken a whole bottle and a little nap. No crying.

When lunch time rolled around, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. On the one hand, visiting her could disrupt her. I didn't want her to be upset by mommy coming and leaving if she was doing well. On the other hand, I didn't know what to do with myself for an hour. Unbelievable, right? Me, an adult woman, could not figure out what to do with herself when totally alone for the first time in nearly 10 weeks. And I couldn't bear the thought of being alone when I knew I could see her. So I dropped by. She was in the swing (you know, the thing she can't stand at home). They had on a CD of children's songs and she was looking around the room. content as could be. I kneeled down to get on her level and was rewarded with a smile. Apparently, she had been happy and smiley all day (it was nearly 1:30 at this point). The head teacher did say it took her about 45 minutes to get Maggie to drink all of her bottle, but that's pretty normal. She also said they had a hard time getting her to nap in the crib. As soon as she'd be put down in the crib, she'd wake right up. She does that at home for naps, too. So the head teacher had rocked her in the glider for a bit and she smiled away until she fell asleep. She said that Maggie was doing so well for a first-timer. I left her again after 15 minutes.

Once again, I was plagued with thoughts about how easily I was replaced... how she didn't seem to miss me at all. That's great for her that she's adjusting so well, but it broke my heart that she didn't cry at all. Am I insane? I certainly sound it... Who would want their child to cry?

Brian called me later and tried to reassure me that I was not replaced and that she did in fact miss me. That she does know who I am as I am pretty much the only person she's been with for all of her life. It was nice to hear it, but I wasn't convinced.

When I picked her up, she was asleep in the swing. (I hope she didn't spend the bulk of her day in the swing!) Once again, I was told that she did so well. I got her home and guess what? She started crying! So then I started to wonder what was so magical about them that she didn't cry all day, but she cried for me shortly after picking her up. Granted, it didn't last long and she was smiling shortly thereafter. But it still hurt.

Day 1 down...

I'm Leaving Her

Tomorrow.

I feel like such a slime. Worse than that. But I have no choice.

I did look at "just one more" daycare center on Friday. It was $185/week and the same distance from our house as the center we selected in April. I was not pleased. It was utter chaos as soon as I walked through the door. The first thing I noticed: a television set up with an X-box. Yes, we're years away from her using it, but it tells a lot about the focus of the child care provider. The staff were friendly, but it seemed like they couldn't keep up with the children in their care. I knew it wasn't the place for us almost immediately. But I went on with the tour, discovering that they were also not licensed for administering medication of any kind. That's a problem as Maggie must have gas drops with every feeding for her gas issues. The infant room was also rather cramped. They didn't have enough porta-cribs to go around, so there were even a couple plastic cots on the floor in the tiny space. I thanked them and was on my way, resigned to the fact that she would be going to the original center.

One thing stood out in my mind after the tour. There was a baby boy in the infant room that cried the whole time I was there. He was hoarse from having cried all day. It was his first day and it was 11:30AM when I was there. It broke my heart. Then it broke my heart all over again when I thought about how that could be Maggie come Monday. I will miss her fiercely and deep down inside, I want her to miss me, too...but I don't want her to be miserable. She would almost be better off if she didn't even realize I was gone. And how sad is that to come to a realization like that?

So I've packed her things and we're as ready to go as we'll ever be. Over and over again, the administrator assured me that I could call as many times as I wanted to check up on her. I was also reminded that I could come in and check on her. They really are great people over there. But then I wonder if going in to see her will make it worse for me. I originally planned on spending my lunches with her...but leaving her twice in one day may be my undoing. I'm not even sure calling would be good for me. It may make me obsess and worry more than if I just immersed myself in my work and got through the day as quickly as possible.

I'm so miserable...

No Such Luck

The family daycare did NOT work out. I wasn't too fond of the lady from the get-go, but I figured it was only fair to give her a chance. As we went through my questions, I found that she and I differ greatly in our child rearing philosophies. A big difference was the fact that, when the weather is inclement, the children are left in front of the TV all day to amuse themselves. She assured me this was no different than home. When I explained to her that one of our pediatrician's few rules was no TV under the age of 2, she looked at me like I was crazy. She then proceeded to ask who the pediatrician was and when I told her his name, she waved him off, stating she knows some parents who don't like him. And besides, most of the children she watch go to other doctors. I mentioned to her that there are studies out there linking early television watching to ADD and ADHD, but I didn't feel like arguing. I could tell she was not exactly a "hands on" provider. I noticed during our interview that her kitchen TV was on an emergency room show. I asked her if she stayed out with the children when they play (they were all outside during the interview, as were we) and she assured me that she did, but her kitchen TV made me think otherwise. And when I asked about being able to visit my child during the day, she made a face and told me that she didn't think it was a good idea. That it would disrupt the other children. That I could call first and set up a time to come, as long as it wasn't too hectic. ... ... ... That was the biggest problem I had with her. Any provider who requires you to set up an appointment to see your own child sounds like one who has something to hide. It may only be neglect, but that's still something I do not want my child exposed to.

So, with a lack of time to further investigate and essentially nobody left to turn to, I went to the daycare center we signed Maggie up for back in April and handed in her medical paperwork. I give up. The up side is that the director and assistant director were INCREDIBLY friendly and understanding. They reiterated that I can call as many times as I want to check up on her and come in and see her, too. I met with her teacher-to-be and found her reading to a child in the room. 3 others were in their cribs napping, and a few were on the floor playing. The other teacher was on break. None of the children in the room were immobile like Maggie, although I do recall that there is another young baby that's supposed to be starting daycare there around the same time.

It's not ideal money-wise but at least they have a curriculum. I don't have to worry about Maggie being left alone outside at a house on a busy street (there was no fence at that family daycare either, BTW, and they were on a major highway). I don't have to worry about her being babysat by a TV. Or threatened (a whole other story but I got the vibe that those children who were there were threatened to be on their best behavior with the way she kept reminding them of "their little conversation" earlier that morning). I'll just have to get used to being broke, that's all... But at least she'll have excellent care.

Woohoo! My Luck May Have Changed!

As a last ditch effort, I started calling home daycares (aka family daycares) on the other side of town. I figured it would be worth the extra 5 or 10 minutes in driving to a) have Maggie get more one-on-one care and b) save money. I called 4 home daycares today. The first is full for at least the next year. The next one wouldn't have an opening until February 14th. The third never answered the phone. The fourth asked me the age of the child and what hours I would need care for. Then she asked if she could call me back. This was at 10:29AM. I waited and waited and waited, losing hope with every passing minute. At a little after 5PM, I heard back from her (which makes sense since her daycare is open until 5PM). She said she thought she could take her as long as a little bit of overlap was okay with me. Technically, home daycares are only supposed to have 2 infants for every licensed adult. She currently has a 1 year old and a 3 year old with Down's Syndrome that are there full time. Then she will have 1 or 2 kids that are before or after school and a 4 month old starting next month (the sibling of the child with Down's Syndrome) that will be there from 2:30PM on. Maggie would need to be at daycare from 8AM to 4:30PM Monday through Wednesday, 8AM to either 3:30PM if my Mom picks her up, or 5PM if Brian picks her up, on Thursdays, and 8AM to 1PM on Fridays. The woman also mentioned that she has 2 teenage daughters who are there in the afternoon and help out (my aunt ran a family daycare and also had extra help from her teenage daughter in the afternoons and summers). Considering the overlap is a negligable amount of time, and that there would still be less infants to adults than there would be at a daycare center, I have no problem with this. I will be meeting with her tomorrow morning. Here's hoping it goes well! The woman has been doing this for 13 years now and has an Associate's degree in Early Childhood Development, which is more credentials than most in the field here have. She also charges $4.25 an hour, which would equal out to about $50 less per week than the center we were supposed to send Maggie to. Plus, there's the potential of part-time care so that, if my aunt truly was serious about watching her on Mondays, we could do that and not have to worry about still paying full time charges.

Wish me luck!! I'm really hoping this goes well!!!!

Big Piggy!

Margaret had her 2-month doctor's appointment yesterday. I knew she had grown, but I had no idea how much! She is now 15 pounds 2 ounces!! She's also 24 inches long. In the 2 months since she was born, she's gained 6 pounds and 3.5 inches! Yowsers! Her doctor was not concerned as she is gaining weight all over and has shown consistent growth like this. I asked about over-feeding and was told that's just not possible at this time...that if she is tolerating it and not spitting it up, then she will tell me how much food she needs and I should give it to her. She's been taking 33-35 ounces of formula a day, which I read on the boards on Fertility Friend that some doctors were saying they don't recommend more than 32 ounces in a day. But as long as Margaret's doctor feels everything is as it should be, I guess I won't be concerned. She's just going to be a big girl!

I Wish...

...I had the time to clean up around here. I mean *REALLY* clean. I realized today that I don't remember when I last mopped the floors. Or vacuumed them, for that matter. Not that vacuuming them makes a huge difference since our crummy vacuum just throws the dirt around anyway.

...I had the time to do it the Fly Lady way. But I don't. Whenever I start something, Maggie decides she wants to be held or changed or fed and so on and so forth. We had a bit of a crisis this morning because she wouldn't let me clean the bottles. I was just too tired last night after my sister's shower and vowed to wash them this morning...but that was an ordeal since Maggie refused to nap! How the heck am I supposed to get anything done when she'll only sleep for a half hour or so? I'm lucky I get the dishes and the laundry done...anything else is on an "as I get to it" basis, which obviously isn't often.

...I could just hire somebody to clean all the big stuff. I'm so far behind that it's totally overwhelming. I did manage to sweep and Swiffer "mop" (using the wet pads with the regular old Swiffer) the kitchen. It's a start, right? I also washed all of Becky's toys (our dog), as well as her bed. And the blankets in the living room because they were starting to smell like dog. And finally, 8 of the 11 dirty bottles. And a few dishes. But that's it. There simply wasn't enough time and I was just too tired first thing this morning to get to it since Maggie insisted on waking up at 3:30am to feed and wouldn't go back to sleep. I really just need someone to catch me up again so I can maintain, honest!

...I had more than 6 days of maternity leave left...and it's almost only 5 days. If I'm this far behind now, how will I manage when I'm at work all day? It's almost enough to give a girl a panic attack.

...Margaret would go back to her old sleep schedule. She was doing great for about 2 weeks. Sleeping 7 hours straight and not waking until 5am or later. In the last few days, she started waking earlier and earlier again, sleeping only about 5 hours tops. We were doing so well!! I wouldn't be as upset if she was doing this all along, but I know she can sleep better than this, so it makes it really frustrating. Today, out of desperation, I even tried a bit of a CIO (cry it out) thing with her just to get her to take a nap that was longer than 30 minutes. It did work, and it only took two 4 minute stretches of crying for the first nap...but it was not fun for either of us. We also tried this with putting her down for her last nap of the day. It took three 4 minute stretches this time (2 of them Brian took...he was quite irritated that I got her to sleep on my first try, but it was pure luck IMHO). On the up side, when I put her down in her crib for the night she popped awake again. I was expecting the waterworks after that, but I got nothing but coos and smiles. I guess our exercises in lengthening naps this afternoon helped her tonight because I've never been able to put her down for sleep while she was awake before. But I'm sure that won't last either.

... ... ... Well, I won't go into the obvious again. We all know what my big wish is right now. I kept complaining to Brian tonight that I don't want to go back to work, but he kept saying, "Too bad. You have to." He's right but it still sucks. He has told me before that he wonders why I want to stay home if I end up getting frazzled sometimes by how cranky she gets during the day. He's right, it doesn't make sense. But deep down inside, I think it's the fact that I *know* her and nobody else knows her the way I do. I know how to deal with her, what her different cries mean, what her sort-of schedule is (that is nearly impossible to explain), and how to calm her down. Even Brian doesn't know her the way I do, and I know it frustrates him when he sees evidence of that. So how can I possibly expect a stranger to take care of her if it took me 8 weeks to get to know her? I don't want her to have to go through that process with anyone else. She's mine and I don't want to share her! I want to be the one who has that secret magic key to all her troubles, the one that she looks for in a crowded room (something she did at my sister's shower when they were passing her along... she followed me with her eyes all over the room). I don't want anyone else to get that priviledge. Call me selfish, but that's the way I feel. And as crazy as she can make me at times, it's worth it. I may not get much done around the house, but I do get a feeling of accomplishment when I see her smile at me and know that I'm meeting her needs, at least. Nothing can beat that feeling. Nothing.

So do I go wish on the stars? Is there any chance that will help? Maybe I need a Fairy Godmother to come along and wave her magic wand? Bippity, boppity, boo! Whatever I need to make my wishes come true, please send it my way! I could really use that right now!

Random Thoughts

Thank you to everyone for all of your understanding, support, and advice! It really does help!

To clarify...I live in the same town as where I work. In fact, work is less than 1 mile away but the daycare we're taking Maggie to is closer to 3 miles away. Not convenient when there's traffic, but it was what we chose at the time. I guess I'm a little spoiled in that respect though. I'll at least have the time to go visit her on my lunch breaks so all won't be lost.

One week of maternity leave left. What have I done? Well, I applied for a night job at a hospital about 1 hour away. The travel would be heck, especially since it would be on highways that get backed up. I hate traffic. But it's an evening/night position, which should enable me to at least spend my days with Maggie without having to send her to daycare. There's another position at a hospital that's a half hour away that I will also be applying for. The hours for that position are 11PM to 7AM (I don't know the actual hours for the position I already applied for, BTW). We'll see if either of these works out.

Brian actually did come around to the idea of staying home during the day with Maggie and working at night. Except he's a horrible procrastinator. He waited too long to get his resume in for a job that would have been perfect for him. It was in his field and it was only 3 days a week, 6PM-6AM. He complained yesterday that he was looking forward to spending his days with her. Guess that should be a lesson to him on what happens when you put off until tomorrow (and the next day and the next day...) what you could have done today.

I can't believe Maggie is 8 weeks old! Has that much time really gone by? The days blur into one that it's so hard to mark the passage of time, other than by her new abilities. She smiles all the time now. We have little smiling matches every morning. She coos and makes all sorts of noises. She has different cries for different things. She can hold her head up really well. She has rolled over from tummy to back several times now. She would crawl if she could...when you put her down on her tummy, the back legs start going almost instantly. If she knew what to do with her arms, she'd be mobile! She has a personality now. She's no longer the little "blob" that she once was. She's pretty moody and stubborn, but quite lovable. And I'm going to miss her.

I never would have pictured myself loving staying home, but I do. I guess part of it is that I'm not a very social person anyway. I only have 1 real friend now, and she moved earlier this year to about 40 minutes away. I'm not fond of my co-workers. All the good ones left. I don't crave going back to work for the social aspect of it. I'd be just fine with talking baby talk all day to Margaret instead of spending my time talking to adults. I used to worry about what I would do all day to occupy myself if I were home. Instead, I find there's no time to worry because I'm always busy. And I like that. It's always different and always interesting with Maggie around. I'm going to miss this life.

It's all my fault I can't stay home... I shouldn't have been so irresponsible with credit cards. We've paid off a lot, but there's still enough left that I HAVE to work no matter what. If it wasn't for them, I'd say screw it and stay home anyway. Just would have to be careful not to get too sick since Brian's medical insurance sucks. But alas, I dug my own grave.. Made my bed and now I must sleep in it. If only I had thought ahead when I was younger...

Plan B Backfires

I should have known that searching for a different childcare provider at the 11th hour wouldn't work out well. Of the 10 family daycare providers in my town that accept infants: 5 are on the wrong side of town (too inconvenient); 1 is on too busy of a road; 1 charges almost as much as we're paying currently; 1 will have no openings for at least a year and has a waiting list. I'm waiting on a call back from one but it sounded like a personal answering machine that I left a message on...it's entirely possible that it no longer exists. The last is within throwing distance of a low-income housing development that is notorious for criminal activity - not exactly the ideal place to send my child. So if the one I left a message for doesn't pan out (which doesn't seem likely since the other one I spoke with said that I was the 2nd call she had today looking for infant care, and the 3rd this week!) it looks like we will be stuck with the daycare center we chose back in April. My stomach is all tied up in knots. Not only am I worried about how the heck we will pay for it, but I had grown used to the idea of a smaller, more home-like setting for her care. I'm disappointed that it won't work out, as well as upset that she'll miss out on the opportunity to spend 1 or 2 days a week with my aunt.

Nothing seems to ever go as planned anymore...

The Search Is On

I must be crazy. In a week and a half, I'm supposed to return to work. And while we secured daycare arrangements back in April, I'm looking for different arrangements. A couple things... First, the center we were supposed to bring her to increased their rates. She hasn't even started yet, but the rates have gone up. $210/week was already stretching our budget really thin; now it's $219/week. $9/week may not seem much, but we had very little left over as it is. Even this little bit is making me feel like we've stretched ourselves too thin now. Another thing is that, now that I've gotten to know Margaret, I feel terrible about leaving her. I want my little girl to get all the attention she wants...something that isn't very likely to happen at a daycare center where she would have to share the attention of her caregiver with 3 other infants.

What really triggered this though is that one of my aunts offered to watch Margaret for us...but she can only do it 1 or 2 days a week. I couldn't find anyone else in the family to take her for the other 2.5-3.5 days (I couldn't even get my mother to take the half day on Fridays!), so if I can find a provider who will take her part-time, that would help us save a little money and allow her to have at least some one-on-one care while I'm at work. It seems like the best solution since she will definitely need some sort of care during the day while we're at work (at least, until one of us can find a suitable night job).

Searching for care at the last minute is pretty silly though. I dread the calls I will be making later today. I hate making phone calls anyway, but now I feel like a total fool. It also seems like, whenever I have things all set, I always find a way to create more work for myself at the last minute. But I'm really no longer comfortable with the arrangements we have, so the best thing to do is look elsewhere. Hopefully, we can find something that will work out!

In other news, Margaret was consistently sleeping 6-7 hours a night...that is, except for tonight. Tonight, she went down at about 10PM and was up before 3AM looking for food. She also peed all over the place during the diaper change. I really must make sure I'm more awake before I take that diaper off. After polishing off her 6 ounces of formula, instead of obediently falling back asleep right away, she laid in her bouncy seat smiling at me. I know she's not capable of it at this point, but it was almost like she was taunting me. She thought it was pretty funny that I wanted her to go back to bed. Doesn't it figure? Here I am, an hour after this whole thing started and it seems like she's *finally* asleep. Maybe she'll make up for this nighttime setback by sleeping in this morning? A girl can hope and dream, right?

Smoking Vent

While staring into the "Baby On Board" minivan in front of me while I was stuck in traffic today, I saw the driver shamelessly smoking inside that enclosed space with that child and was reminded that I had been meaning to make a post about this on my blog. Please note, I have nothing against the *people* themselves...I know plenty of smokers who are good *people*...it's the behavior and how it seems to knock the sense right out of people that ticks me off.

As a child, I grew up in a house of two smokers. My mom thinks it's hysterical that I once, as a toddler, tried to eat cigarette butts that were left in the ashtray on the coffee table. I suppose there is at least a small excuse in that, when I grew up, people didn't know the dangers of smoking. Women smoked while pregnant (my mother did with 3 of her 4 children, and I was one of those fetal smokers). It was a different time.

Today, however, there is no excuse. There is abundant information that is easily accessible and sometimes, practically thrown in your face, about how unhealthy and unsafe it is to smoke. If, in spite of all of this information, you still want to smoke...so be it. But don't make me and, most especially, don't make children smoke because you feel like doing so. I'm so sick of seeing this. And not only do I see it, I experience it in my own family. I started avoiding many family gatherings when I was pregnant because of the smoking. Because none of these people were considerate enough to NOT smoke around me even though I have asthma, and were even less considerate while I was pregnant. It didn't matter how many times I asked nicely, they all did it. Now that Maggie is out in the world, I've become totally obsessed with keeping her smoke-free. And with good reason! Some have now chosen to quit in light of my father's heart attack last month, but there are a few who persist. (I will add that my father and mother BOTH were in the inconsiderate smoker category...thankfully, they are quitting because of dad's heart attack!)

Yesterday we went to my grandparents' cottage. It was the first time this year, even though when I was younger, we used to go up every weekend. I've stayed away because of the smoking. Anyway, my uncle (not by blood) was smoking near us at the picnic tables. The wind was blowing it right in our direction. I asked if he could please not smoke near us and was immediately given a tirade that began with "Gimme a break....we're outside!!" like that makes it okay to smoke near babies. I didn't feel like arguing so I packed Maggie up and brought her inside, saying, "That's fine...I'll move then." So he continues later on to complain to my father, asking, "What's her problem?" Number one, I'm nearly 28 years old...do we really have to tell on me at this age? Number two, I asked nicely...he was an ass about it so I took control of the situation and removed her from the exposure. Why be a baby about it (the man is in his 50s after all? It's done and over with now.

It's that inconsideration that pisses me off the most, though. The smokers who don't think about the fact that when they smoke around you, you are now involuntarily smoking, too. Being outside doesn't negate this effect....in fact, when the wind is blowing, it enhances it. I'm not trying to take away anybody else's freedoms...however, mine are being infringed upon when I am forced to inhale the smoke. Yet these smokers don't seem to care about that... It's always ME, ME, ME. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Spent The Night In The ER

It was such a lovely night. Not. After having abdominal pains on and off all day yesterday, I developed a sudden fever (100.4 degrees Fahrenheit) at about 9PM and decided it was time to go to the ER. I was lightheaded, nauseous, and still had sharp pains from time to time in my upper abdomen (some were so bad I had to do my breathing to get through them). I had Brian bring me up to the ER and had him stay home with Maggie. After waiting FOREVER to get into a room, they decided to do blood tests and a urinalysis. By this time, the pain was mostly gone (just a dull ache) but the fever was plaguing me. I waited on the very uncomfy bed (more like a table with a minimal cushion on top) across from the noisy nurses' station. I missed Maggie terribly, too - even though she would have been asleep by then anyway. The doctor came in at one point to say that what they got back so far from my labs was fine but it sounded like it could be the gallbladder so he wanted me to have an ultrasound done. Since it was now about 2AM I had to wait it out until the ultrasound techs came in in the morning. I tried my best to sleep but it was horrible sleeping conditions. When I awoke at 5:15AM, I asked if I could call Brian. As I expected, he was awake feeding Maggie. He was concerned but I had no further news at that time. They took my temp again and it was back up from 37 degrees Celsius (about 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit) to 38.7 degrees Celsius (101.66 degrees Fahrenheit). More Tylenol. Then I went off for my abdominal ultrasound. It was nowhere near as exciting as ultrasounds when you're pregnant, that's for sure! Then back to my room to wait for them to rediscover me hours later. I was getting pretty cranky at this point. Last night, a little kid had been screaming in the halls that he wanted to go home...I was on the verge of that. Eventually, the new shift doctor came in and we re-hashed everything. Apparently, they didn't find anything abnormal in the bloodwork, urinalysis, or ultrasound. He felt my belly and said it felt normal. So I was discharged... No idea why it happened, and no real instructions other than to call or return if it got worse. I hate our local hospital.

I'm relieved that it's nothing serious. Because they would have found *something* if it was, right? I'll just have to take it easy and hope for the best... I certainly don't want to end up back there, after all!

Disappointed

I thought I had found the perfect solution to my daycare dilemma. A member of Fertility Friend had mentioned that she had the same concerns...and it ended up that her husband stayed home with their child. She was comforted by the thought that their child was with the only other person who cared as much as she did. Sounds like a great idea, right? After all...Brian had joked for years about how, when we finally had kids, he wanted to stay home with them and I would work. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! However, sharing my plan didn't go as well as anticipated. I believe the response I received was, "you expect me to give up my career to stay home with her?" with a look of incredulity on his face. That was the end of the discussion in my eyes. If he even had to think about it, it wasn't meant to be. I'd prefer she go to daycare (even with the concerns about the divided attention she will receive, as well as her spending 95% of her waking moments with people other than me) than stay home with a father who may grow to resent her for keeping him from doing what he really wants to do. Brian got angry that I ended the discussion right away. I was upset that he didn't jump at the opportunity. I guess I can't understand why he wouldn't. He can't understand why I want to make things more difficult financially. Forget the fact that daycare went up another $9 before she even started... So now I have to bust my butt to pay someone else $219/week to spend all the wonderful waking moments with my daughter, while I get to spend 2-3 hours of her waking time a day with her. That's it. How is that right?

I'm not too happy right now....

Just As Predicted... [UPDATED]

1) Maggie did not sleep through the night last night. The previous 2 nights must have been a fluke. We were back to waking up around 3:30AM and then 7AM. At least I knew to expect it...

2) I don't want to return to work. I took a class in college called Career Directions because I had no idea what I wanted to do. The end result? We found that "career" would never be my highest priority...that family was. Can't say I was surprised.

Everyone predicted when I went out on maternity leave that I wouldn't want to return. I didn't argue with them, but I knew I would have to because we NEED the money. Now that I'm getting closer to my return to work date, though, I'm getting more frantic. I'm sure the people at the daycare she will attend are more than capable, but I can't stand the thought of her spending her day with anyone other than me. I haven't even allowed *anyone* to watch her yet, not even her grandparents or aunts. Yet, I'm supposed to leave her in the care of strangers all day for 5 days a week! I can't stand it! The problem? We have too many bills for me to not work at all. So I have to find a night job that would be acceptable to me (I'll admit, I'm pretty picky) and would enable me to earn enough money to pay the bills (at least $200 after taxes, since that's about what I'd be left with after paying for daycare anyway). Not an easy task, especially since at my current job, I get paid well above the average wage in this area. And I carry our insurance, so Brian would have to start paying for that through his employer...which it costs more and their health insurance isn't as good. I wouldn't even be able to see my endocrinologist anymore on his plan. On top of that, my job is incredibly stable. I'm more than half way up the seniority ladder, and am the most senior person in the office (aside from my boss). I would have to screw up really badly, and several times at that, in order to lose my job. Brian's father already had a talk with him about how if anyone should be looking for a job on a different shift, it should be him since his job isn't as secure.

In spite of the logical reasons to stay, I don't want to! I want to spend my days with her! Brian gave me a hard time when I shared this with him this morning. He teased me, saying "What will you do when it's time for her to go to school? Keep her home?!" Ironically, I used to insist that I would home school our children, so what he said is not that far off. But I told him that by then, she'd be past this early formative period and I'd be fine with her going to school. More so than giving her up now, anyway.

So what's a girl to do? I have to return to my job regardless. Otherwise, I have to repay them for the insurance premiums they paid while I was out. I don't have any specifics, but I'm sure it would be in the thousands. I could go back for a week and then give my 2 weeks' notice. I am entitled to another 4 weeks of sick time, plus 2 days of personal time, and the pension money I've been accumulating for the last 7 years. That should buy me some time to find another job. However, that would require Maggie to attend daycare for 3 weeks... Not a situation I'm fond of at all. But if I were to quit, I couldn't leave any sooner. It would be totally irresponsible.

I'm so conflicted. I wish I could come to a resolution on this since it's been weighing heavily on my mind... I had a hard time falling asleep last night because it was all I could think about.

EDITED TO ADD: I reviewed the medical insurance info from Brian's employer this evening. Since I currently carry our insurance, we would have to switch to his if I quit. However, while I pay $48/month for our insurance (which is fantastic!), he would have to pay $240/month for a less-than-stellar plan. The co-pays are higher, we'd have to pay 10% after the co-pay since they only pay 90%, my endocrinologist is considered out of network... The list goes on and on. I can't quit!! Not unless I can find a job that offers equal or better insurance, which is highly unlikely for a job that would start at 6PM (the time I'd like to start). :( I'm not fond of my job to begin with...but now that I know I am trapped there, I am REALLY dreading the return now. I suppose I should have looked into this sooner, but I always assumed I would just quit eventually and find a night job. I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to. Now it's what will be keeping me from my child... I hate that!