It Went Well

...for Maggie, anyway. She didn't even seem to notice that I had left her. When I dropped her off this morning, there were two little boys playing on the floor and she was far more interested in them than me. She didn't even look at me when I kissed her goodbye and left. I cried the whole way to work. Am I that easily replaced that she didn't even care that I left?

They tried to be helpful at work. I had tons of mommies telling me about the first time they left their little ones. They survived and they knew I would, too. My coworkers even gave me a welcome back card. Well, it actually said "Hugs" on it. They totally understood. They tried to keep me positive, making me laugh when they asked if I had brought in a picture of Maggie, and decided that I had set up a shrine when they saw all the pictures I had with me.

I wasn't going to call. I didn't want to be one of "those" mommies. But I did. At 10:20, nearly 2.5 hours after dropping her off, I called. They said she was doing well. She had taken a whole bottle and a little nap. No crying.

When lunch time rolled around, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. On the one hand, visiting her could disrupt her. I didn't want her to be upset by mommy coming and leaving if she was doing well. On the other hand, I didn't know what to do with myself for an hour. Unbelievable, right? Me, an adult woman, could not figure out what to do with herself when totally alone for the first time in nearly 10 weeks. And I couldn't bear the thought of being alone when I knew I could see her. So I dropped by. She was in the swing (you know, the thing she can't stand at home). They had on a CD of children's songs and she was looking around the room. content as could be. I kneeled down to get on her level and was rewarded with a smile. Apparently, she had been happy and smiley all day (it was nearly 1:30 at this point). The head teacher did say it took her about 45 minutes to get Maggie to drink all of her bottle, but that's pretty normal. She also said they had a hard time getting her to nap in the crib. As soon as she'd be put down in the crib, she'd wake right up. She does that at home for naps, too. So the head teacher had rocked her in the glider for a bit and she smiled away until she fell asleep. She said that Maggie was doing so well for a first-timer. I left her again after 15 minutes.

Once again, I was plagued with thoughts about how easily I was replaced... how she didn't seem to miss me at all. That's great for her that she's adjusting so well, but it broke my heart that she didn't cry at all. Am I insane? I certainly sound it... Who would want their child to cry?

Brian called me later and tried to reassure me that I was not replaced and that she did in fact miss me. That she does know who I am as I am pretty much the only person she's been with for all of her life. It was nice to hear it, but I wasn't convinced.

When I picked her up, she was asleep in the swing. (I hope she didn't spend the bulk of her day in the swing!) Once again, I was told that she did so well. I got her home and guess what? She started crying! So then I started to wonder what was so magical about them that she didn't cry all day, but she cried for me shortly after picking her up. Granted, it didn't last long and she was smiling shortly thereafter. But it still hurt.

Day 1 down...