Sick!

How is it I spent my last pregnancy healthier than usual, and this one I keep getting sick. :( I feel like someone ran razor blades down my throat while I was sleeping, and I have a lovely collection of snot stuck in my sinuses. Wonderful. I also have 2 parties this weekend, so the timing could not be worse. I think I'm staying home today, which would change it from 15 work days left to 14....

I also have an appointment tomorrow at a freestanding birthing center. Hopefully I will feel well enough to attend. It's a tour and a talk with one of the three midwives who run the center. I really wanted a water birth with Maggie, but Brian was not open to a homebirth (still is not) and the hospital where I delivered only allowed you to labor in the tub - and only if they could keep the baby's heartbeat on the mobile monitoring equipment (which they could not). I have a long list of questions to ensure that I will qualify as low risk, and therefore be able to use the birthing center. It's about as far away as the hospital where I had Margaret, but I like the idea of not being chained to the place for days afterwards and less interventions. At this point, I'd be happy to just stay home until the day this baby comes. I've had enough of the medical community and I really don't need them giving me contradictory advice every 4 weeks, and having to drag myself out to their office every 4 weeks for a pee test, fetal heart monitoring (which I can do at home), and a Q&A session (during which I have no questions). It's a waste of my time. So we'll see how this goes. I have high hopes that this will work out! Especially with the changes in insurance coming up...

...it turns out that the costs for DH's High Option insurance plan have increased $120/month. So instead of $50/week, it will be roughly $80/week - of which we are currently spending $0 since I get health insurance from my employer for $14/week, and it's far superior insurance. Now we're stuck with Low Option, which only covers 80% of costs. 80%. How crappy is that? $20 copays for doctors visits, they don't even cover all of well-baby visits (still 80%), and I'm not even sure if we can go to the Medical Walk In Center with his plan. I'm also not sure if they'll consider me a pre-existing condition and blackout coverage for me. DH won't ask. Wouldn't that be a wonderful addition to the situation?! SIGH.

Can't I Just Stay Home Now?

19 more work days... and it's getting harder and harder to go every day. Already, the thought has crossed my mind to call out sick today. But I'll be a good girl and go to work today, even though I'm soooooo tired I could sleep for a week. I have some things I should be finishing up before I leave for good anyway.

I'm a lucky mama, BTW. Margaret and I attended a family function by ourselves yesterday about 1 hour from our home. She was fantabulous the entire time! Never got into any trouble, charmed the pants off of all who attended, didn't complain through a single diaper change (these are usually problematic...but instead, she just followed me to the appointed room, laid down on the floor, and was wonderful through every change, even in spite of a nasty diaper rash she has right now!!), and played nicely with all the adults (there were no other small children). When I returned home I reflected upon this and when I realized why the day went so smoothly, I was immensely proud of my little lady. Sure, she's not like this every day. But the days when she is make up tenfold for the days when she's a little witch. :) I'm a lucky mama!

I Guess It IS True What "They" Say...

...that you get bigger, faster with subsequent pregnancies.

14 weeks 5 days with Sprout (November 2006)


18 weeks 4 days with Maggie (January 2005)


I feel like such a heifer!

Where's The White Stuff?

Happy Turkey Day!!!!

To all my fellow Americans, Happy Thanksgiving!

This year, I am thankful for:

• A husband who loves and cares for me


• A daughter who is spunky, intelligent beyond her years, comedic, and caring


• A roof over our head, heat coming from our radiators, and food on our table, even though money is tight and will get tighter still


• My sistas out in the blogosphere who, when I remain quiet for too long, check up on me to make sure I'm alright


• My Saddle Girls, my closest friends of all


• My newest group of friends, my Tastefully Simple GOal Getters team! Who are showing me that there's a whole different side of me I never knew existed!


• My in-laws, who sometimes show they care more than my own family does


• My family, who though unreliable, really do love me deep down inside


• My faithful companion, Becky. No matter how bad my day is, no matter how bad my mood is, no matter how much I smell, she's always there to warm my feet


• And Sprout. The blessing inside that I wasn't sure if I could have again...and while I'm excited and terrified at the same time of what his/her impending arrival means for us, I know this is truly meant to be

Thank you, all, for all of your love and support! It means the world to me!

Another Day...

The countdown is officially on. 23 more work days until I leave the working world and become a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom). Well, kind of a WAHM (work-at-home-mom) since I am a consultant for Tastefully Simple. But mostly, I'll be staying home. January 5th is my last day of work...

...Not sure if I'm ready for it though. I've always had a job going back to when I was 10 years old when I became an independent contractor for the local newspaper (in layman's terms, I was a paper girl). So I've always had a steady paycheck, too. Sure, I'll have TS, but it won't be the same. On the other hand, I hate my job. Don't mind leaving it. Wish I was gone already. But then I have days like today (applesauce splattered all over the kitchen, nap refusals, 2 head butts to my nose, and just general aggravation) and I wonder if I'm even cut out to stay home. Can I do this? Will I have the patience and the stamina? Or will I go out of my mind? Stay tuned to find out...

Sprout is apparently thriving. I honestly haven't had any time to focus on this pregnancy, I'm afraid. It's like it's not even happening to me. I'm sure it will be different when I can feel movement (though I swear I felt a kick late last week at only 13 weeks of pregnancy). But right now, I'm just too busy to dwell on it. Margaret (and her constant mischief) consume all of my "free" time. That and the fact that she now refuses to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

I'm a little worn out, I'm afraid. Tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. Can I please just have 5 minutes to myself? Or will I have to wait until I'm old and my kids don't want to be around me anymore?

We Have A Heartbeat!!!

Yes, I know, I saw it last week at my ultrasound. But it's just not the same...

Today I heard Sprout's heartbeat for the first time on my doppler. This is HUGE since I am 9w4d today, the same day when we discovered we lost Arabella (in spite of a heartbeat at the ultrasound only 2 weeks prior). I can now breathe a huge sigh of relief... Looks like a strong heart, too. It measured at 162 bpm, stronger than Arabella's AND Margaret's were!

...does this mean it's another girl though? ;)

All's Well Thus Far

My first prenatal appointment was this morning. Meet Sprout!


Aside from initially going to the wrong office, it went well. My doctor remembered me from the last time around (she even insisted she would not faint this time, as she practically had at my first prenatal appointment for my pregnancy with Margaret...she was pregnant at the time, too). She decided to do the ultrasound because of the spotting I had Monday and Tuesday. This office only had an ancient ultrasound machine and no on-staff tech, like there is at the other office, so it was just a quick peek. Blobby looking and not very defined, but there's my baby! We saw the heart flickering on the monitor (did not measure BPM though) so all is well.

My next appointment is November 17th.

The only part that kind of irritated me is that I was told to try to not gain more than 15 pounds. I'm overweight, I know. But I also believe that your body gains what it needs for a healthy pregnancy. Last time, I gained 35 pounds. And you know what? I lost all of it, and then some. Didn't have gestational diabetes, either. I'm not saying I'm going to go hog wild. But as long as I keep it to moderation, I'm not going to focus on a number like that. I just don't think it's mentally healthy to put a huge emphasis on a number one cannot go over...it just causes unnecessary stress. I will not allow that to happen... I don't need the stress.

Playing Catch Up!

Looks like I've fallen behind, once again, on blogging.

Still pregnant. For now. Spotting started Monday night, light pink (so not old blood). I've been spotting on and off today with some lower back pains and minor cramping. I'm still extremely nauseous and tired, so hopefully, it's nothing. My first prenatal appointment is tomorrow and I'm really hoping she'll do an early ultrasound to make sure Sprout is thriving. In the meantime, I'm vegging on the couch tonight in hopes that it will help.

We did not buy the house. I decided that it would be too much financial stress for us. It would have been very difficult to get the house into liveable condition before the first mortgage payment would have been due. And that would have been required because we cannot afford a mortgage and our rent. We're re-evaluating our options and may reconsider moving "up north" in the spring. No moving right now... it's getting too cold for that kind of venture. But we will need to before Sprout is born to be sure there is plenty of room (and so Maggie can get her own bed before Sprout comes).

Maggie is thriving! As of September 29th, she is 34 inches tall and 28.6 lbs! She's talking all the time, and we're starting to understand more and more of it. She's trying to jump, which is funny because she goes through the motions but never leaves the ground. The only name I've heard her use is her boyfriend's...I can't even get her to say her own! But it's cute nonetheless. She's also become quite the fashionista. She had her first ever "I have to have this NOW" meltdown the other day over a pair of purple Mary Jane Crocs. I caved. I know, bad mommy. But she wanted them so badly that she was taking off her own shoes and ready to throw them on the floor... I couldn't resist. She's going to be quite challenging.

I believe there are now around 75 days left until what I have chosen to be my last day of work. They don't know yet. They do know I'm pregnant, but it hasn't even occurred to my boss that I will not continue working there, let alone that I could possibly quit before my due date. Baby or not, I'm leaving at the beginning of January. I've already mentally checked out. :)

That's about it. Real exciting, I know. Does anyone even care? The last few times I posted, I didn't even get comments so I guess I didn't think that anyone gave a poop about us anyway... Who knows? Maybe everyone was just busy.

Tough Decisions

I heard back from the mortgage company today! We can get the mortgage. But now that I have actual figures to work with, in addition to obtaining the sewer, water, and garbage fee information this afternoon, it's not looking so good anymore. I love the house. But it looks like the time isn't right for us right now. Brian took the news hard. I guess he had grown more attached to it than I had. But I had to go with my gut, and my gut says that we would be getting in well over our heads if we went ahead with buying the house, even if the bank would give us the loan.

So we're back to our original plans. I'll finish up the year with my job, then resign at the beginning of January. By that time, I should hopefully have a consistent party schedule with Tastefully Simple. We'll stay in our current apartment through the winter. In the meantime, we'll pay down our debts and try to put aside some money in savings, too. We can re-evaluate our options in the spring.

Baby-to-be is apparently getting comfortable. I had cramping last night, and major AF-like cramping/backaches today. Now I'm feeling those burrowing-in type of pains, too. No bleeding. 20 days until my first prenatal appointment. I took the day off from work so I don't have to worry about rushing back or accidentally letting the news slip.

Though I did tell the director of Maggie's daycare today. To be fair, she was friends with my Dad from waaaaaay back. Heck, she attended my parents' wedding! So we talk a lot. She was telling me what a spirited, opinionated, stubborn little girl I have :) and then said it's about time for another one. I couldn't help it. I told her, but I did say that we're not making it widely known yet. She was so happy she gave me a huge hug. Of course, she has no idea at this point that I will be withdrawing Maggie eventually. But it was kind of nice to receive congrats from someone, especially since my family wasn't even that happy for me (though Brian's was).

Waiting...

Still waiting for news on the mortgage. I ended up having to actually apply in order to get more info out of them. So far as I can tell, the house is still on the market. I only hope we're not jumping through all of these hoops for nothing.

Poor Maggie. She's been sick for a while now with a runny nose and cough. You know, that nondescript stuff that could be anything. We were initially told it was a virus and treated it as such. But now it seems like it could be her asthma is acting up again. Most of her coughing is when she's supposed to be sleeping, which was the main symptom when we first discovered that she has this issue. Unfortunately, it takes 2 weeks for the Flovent to start doing its job so it could be a little bit until she's feeling better. She has a "well baby" visit on Friday so she'll see her doctor anyway. Now she just has to make it through the week. Some may consider me to be under-reacting, but I don't want to overuse antibiotics either. I've spent entire winters coughing and having a runny nose, so it also doesn't seem all that crazy to me that there could be a lingering virus. I just don't see any need to go crazy under the circumstances. I can only hope they (as in Maggie's daycare providers, since they've been dealing with this, too) don't consider me a negligent parent.

My Tastefully Simple sponsor and I ended up not participating in the Fall Festival yesterday. The weather was supposed to be *horrendous* so we decided it wasn't worth setting up only to get stuck in a torrential downpour and thunderstorm. There's only one problem: the rain really never came. Wasted opportunity. Anybody want to have a party? It will be a while before I have a chance to book any others...

Just Pull My Teeth Out, Please!!

This lovely illness that I have been suffering with for nearly 2 weeks now has become sinusitis. I know because my teeth are now killing me due to the nearby sinuses being infected. Nothing makes it stop either. Not Tylenol. Not fluids. Cold foods make me cringe. Any foods, for that matter, as it hurts to eat. Just pull the darn teeth out, would you please? I started a Z-pack yesterday but I imagine it will be another day or so before I start feeling better.

I've realized that I have become far too attached to the house we've been looking at. We haven't put in an offer yet because we're still waiting to hear back from the broker about the details of the rehab mortgage program. And yet, I find myself thinking of how wonderful it would be to have a 15 foot tree in the chalet room this Yule. Or where I'm going to set up my office for Tastefully Simple. Or how I'm going to decorate the baby's room. But we don't have an offer in... and what we're willing to pay, at most, is at least $30K less than asking price by the bank that foreclosed on it. I need to stop because I'm going to be really disappointed if this doesn't pan out!

Crisis Averted...?

The spotting stopped, as did the cramping. Hopefully that's a good sign. There are millions of things that could cause spotting and cramping. But when you've suffered a miscarriage before, there's only one thing that consumes you during a bout like this - loss. I was devastated last night. I'm still a bit numb today. Hoping for the best, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have no control over the situation. It is out of my hands.

I did find this entry from my pregnancy with Margaret, though:
October 29, 2004
I was 6 weeks pregnant (if I'm counting correctly) when that occurred. So there can be a successful pregnancy even with spotting. But right now, it's really hard to focus on that.

.....

I sit here in the dark on my bed typing on my iBook listening to Margaret babble away in the kitchen. Brian has taken over morning duties for me today so I can rest up. Of course, all that separates us is a door, and not a very insultated one. They may as well be in the same room for all that I hear. But it's amazing how grown up Maggie is already. She may not make much sense, but she's having a full conversation in there and an adult-like interaction. The time goes by too quickly.

It May Be Over Already...

Woke up from my evening nap to cramping and pink spotting... This may be over before it's really begun...

5 Weeks Down, 35 To Go...

That number seems so small. Too far to go. I don't want to be afraid though. It doesn't change anything. And I have had a successful pregnancy, so why should I be worried now? Well, we all know why. That fear never goes away. I'm thinking of sharing the news with everyone though as a way of sort of sticking it in Fear's face.

Today I rejoined the rat race. My head is clogged, ears hurt, and I'm still coughing up phlegm. But I couldn't stay home forever. Fortunately, we only work until 12:30PM on Fridays.

I spent the afternoon before picking Margaret up running some errands for the house. Yesterday I ran some numbers to figure out what it will cost us to fix it. Today I spoke with a mortgage broker. He is referring me to an expert in rehab mortgages, who unfortunately will not be able to get back to me until Monday. But he said the house sounded like a good candidate for the program and after going over the preliminaries, he didn't see any reason why we couldn't get a mortgage. That was good news! Just to be thorough, I also spoke with our insurance agent this afternoon about getting a quote for the house. Multifamilies are awful for insurance because of the liability. Hopefully, it won't be as bad with a 2 family house as it was when we owned the 3 family house. We're still not entirely sure if we're going to go for it. But at least we're doing the homework so we can make an informed decision.

Here's the house, BTW:


It's not the best angle, but the sun was in the wrong direction to get a great front door photo.

I'm off. I'm beat. It's been a long day back in the real world. And I have a lot to do tomorrow. I'm working at a local fall festival on Saturday promoting Tastefully Simple (in hopes of getting some more contacts and bookings) and I need to make my samples tomorrow.

Nausea, nausea, everywhere

Still pregnant! Scared, but still pregnant. My endo finally called yesterday to tell me that a week ago I tested a little pregnant. No way! SIGH. He did say that my hormone levels were great, thyroid function is fine, and he can't figure out why I had been losing clumps of hair for the 6 weeks prior to the bloodwork. In any case, he's handed me off to my OB, who will be seeing me on October 18th for my first prenatal visit.

I was worried last week when I got those first BFPs as I didn't feel pregnant. Only a day later the nausea started, and it's hit hard. I also had a raging sore throat last Tuesday which has turned into bronchitis. Viral, no less, so I can't really do anything but suffer. So I feel pukey and my nose is clogged...what fun! I think I went through this the last time I was pg, though. It will pass.

We looked at an unconventional 2 family house today. Nice neighborhood. 2 doors up from one of the branches of Maggie's pediatricians' offices, across the street from an elementary school, down the road from the health center and high school. Nice neighbors (we talked with one of them). Don't think we'll buy it though. It has great potential and I would love to see what the right person could do with it - but we can't afford to do what this house needs. It's a shame. Our apartment would have been the size of many houses with 7.5 rooms and 2 full bathrooms and 3 bedrooms. (The half room is this small bonus one with a low ceiling - storage?) It's a foreclosure that's been vacant for over a year. Badly in need of updating, a new roof, new furnace for one of the apartments, and who knows how the plumbing is. Some of the heat pipes definitely burst. I would love to have it, but we just can't do it right.

My father, BTW, disgusts me. I went to him after looking at this house asking for help and input. He wasn't supportive nor helpful. I give up on him. He tells me I never ask for help and wonders why. It's just not worth it.

Is it for real???

Am I seeing things?
What about this one? That was about 6.5 hours later...

In other news, after much deliberation (and my father's wishy-washiness) we are NOT moving in with my parents. But I'm moving forward with my other plans. I started my Tastefully Simple business and am now an Independent Consultant. I've had 2 parties so far and have 3 more booked, plus a book party! Just need to get a consistent schedule going so I can quit my regular job.

We're staying in our tiny apartment for now. We don't have any other options at this time. We may move into a 2 family with my FIL if he decides to buy one (at first we were going to buy it together, but he decided he'd rather buy it himself and have us rent from him). He has very specific criteria, though, and a very specific area he wants to live in which is NOT cheap. I don't know if this plan will ever come to fruition, but it's there. If it doesn't work out, we'll figure something else out in the spring. I will not move in the winter. I refuse to.

Margaret is growing every day! She now has quite the vocabulary and is too smart for her own good. She's shown some interest in potty training so we did buy her a musical potty of her own, but she tends to want to sit on it *after* she's already gone. At least she makes the connection.

My weight loss is at a stand-still. I have too much else going on right now to focus on that. I've maintained for over a month now and am still below my pre-preg weight, so I won't complain. Can't help myself with all this good food in the house! ;)

Sorry I haven't kept more up to date!

My Crazy Life

There's so much going on right now, and all of it changing every second, that it's hard to keep up! So after the situation in the previous post, I talked with my father and told him that I didn't want him to keep the house on our account. I told him he should sell it and take care of himself and what's best for him. We didn't get to talk after that. That was a week ago yesterday.

So Brian and I started looking at condos. Well, I started looking at condos. I found a couple that sounded great, but it turned out they were under contract. We did look at another one on Friday. Nice place, spacious, and plenty of room for us plus more kids. Nice neighborhood, too. But when I ran the numbers after we returned home, they didn't add up. We couldn't afford it, not right now.

My father was concerned with my new plans for buying, so he stopped by Saturday. He said he very much wanted to see me stay home with Margaret until she's in school full-time and he thought buying was a big mistake and would only bring us further from what we really want. So he insists upon us moving in.

I feel like I'm in that scene in "Wayne's World" when they're playing street hockey... "Game on!!!!"

It is a relief though. Now we're back to my consulting money being extra instead of necessary. So that's a lot less pressure. The clock is ticking down... I will go no further than the middle of October at my current job. That's one month longer than I originally planned on, but since we lost over a week in our plans over this confusion, it's probably for the best.

Meanwhile, my "Blast Off" party for Tastefully Simple has been scheduled. On August 26th, I'll be marking the beginning of a new career for me, a new life even. I have my first sales meeting this Wednesday, though. My sponsor is letting me tag along even though I'm not "official" yet.

Margaret continues to grow. I think she's had a growth spurt recently, actually. Shoes that fit only a couple of weeks ago are too small, and everyone is commenting on how much taller she looks. We've also returned to cloth diapering. Since we're trying to save money, there's no better way than ensuring I won't be throwing our money away with every diaper change. The transition back has been smooth thus far.

I'm now 3 DPO in my cycle. Even though Brian didn't want to try this month originally (and I probably shouldn't have due to being recently off of BCPs), in the end he came around and actively participated. :D Looks like there may be a chance, although my temps are a bit off for a few days due to needing a new battery in my BBT thermometer. Other signs do point to the fact that I've probably O'd already, though, so it's promising. Now I just need to get through the next 2 weeks!

Never Turns Out The Way You Planned...

Plans are changing again...

My parents' relationship is problematic right now. In retrospect, it probably wasn't a wise move to even consider moving in with them anyway. But I had hoped it would change. And in a way, it was like selling my soul to the devil (if I believed in such a thing). I wanted a way out of my job so I could stay home with Margaret, and that way was what presented itself. I should have known better.

What's taking even more courage, though, is that I am continuing with the plan to quit my job at the end of September. Except now, the money I'll be making as a Tastefully Simple consultant will be necessary instead of ancillary. That's scary. I'll have to work for my wages instead of just showing up every day and collecting a paycheck.

We're also considering our options in changing our living arrangements. Where we live now just isn't working for us. We may be able to buy a condo, but single family homes are priced outside of our range right now. But if we're going to TTC, we probably should wait to buy. If we have a girl, a 2 bedroom condo will be sufficient. If we have a boy, we're going to have to figure something else out as 3 bedroom condos are outside of our range. And while we could make a 2 bedroom work for a short while, I don't want to get into a situation that we would have to sell in a few years. Condos are long-term investments around here. We're on the verge of the market falling and condos are the first to drop - and when they drop, they DROP hard and fast. Therefore it has to be something we're willing to live in for a long while.

So once again, there's a lot going on and a million ideas going through my head every minute.

My poor head. That's another issue. I've been having migraines for about a week and a half now. Normally, I'll get 1 or 2 right before Aunt Flo arrives. But this is just ridiculous. I can't function. I can't concentrate. And I don't know why it's happening. It could be withdrawals from BCP since it's now been 1 week since I should have started a new pack. It could be stress. It could be anything. I hate taking medicine, but I've been forced to take Excedrin Migraine a few times now in order to get through the day. Like today. Then I worry if that's the right thing to do because...

...my cycle is doing something funky. Yes, it's the first cycle off of BCPs. Yes, we weren't trying yet. We didn't prevent, but the last BD day was supposed to be 6 days from O. But my temp shot up this morning. And it's only CD 11. Fluke? Could be. Ever since I started temping again, my sleep has been terrible. It's like Santa Claus Syndrome. I wake up frequently because I can't wait to temp. I have no control over myself...it just keeps on happening. But today's temp was definitely in the Post-O range so I'm a little freaked. If I already O'd, the last BD day was on CD 8, close enough to conceive. And while I really want to be pregnant, Brian isn't ready yet. All I can do at this point is wait and see...

Great Endo Appointment!

Today was my annual endocrinologist appointment and I must say, it went very well! They weighed me in at 193 with clothes and shoes on, and I weighed myself at 192.6 this morning, so it got off to a great start (you know, considering doctor's scales usually like to say you're 5 lbs heavier than you thought).

My endo was thrilled with my numbers on my labs and the fact that I've been losing weight. He seemed surprised that all I was doing was cutting calories and exercising more. I did tell him that I was eating fast food probably 4 times a week when I last saw him, though, and cutting that out would make a huge difference. My cholesterol levels came down so much he was sure I was on Lipitor or some other cholesterol drug. He said I will not have to go on Lipitor (if you recall, when I saw him last year my cholesterol was high and he told me he didn't want me waiting more than 2 years to get pregnant again as he wanted me on Lipitor - this is a HUGE relief!!!).

So, here are the numbers. The first # is from last year (7/21/2005) and the second # is from this year (7/13/2006):

Cholesterol (desirable: <200/high: >/= 240): 247 ~ 163
Triglycerides (normal: <150/high: 200-499): 255 ~ 148
HDL (>/=60 is Low Risk Factor/<40 is Major Risk Factor): 43 ~ 43
LDL (optimal: <100/Borderline High: 130-159): 153 ~ 90

I was absolutely thrilled! Even though I don't see a physical difference in me, it's obvious now that my overall health is being affected by the healthier lifestyle.

Alkaline Phosphatase (50-136): 137 ~ 61
Not sure what that one is, but it came down a lot, too.

Here's an interesting one:
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (8-112): 54 ~ 288
Even though that's high, he said it was a good thing because it's keeping me from having any free testosterone (yes, that was zero, which is excellent when you have PCOS). He said because of this, it should be easy to get pregnant. His exact words were that I should be able to get pregnant "like, tomorrow".

That, of course, tempts me even more....

He said that he doesn't think the migraines, hot flashes, and ill feeling I've been having for the last several days are withdrawals from BCP. Since yesterday was supposed to be the 1st day of a new pack, it's too soon for that to be the cause. Anyway, his first response was "Are you pregnant?" Not possible... BD timing was off by a week from when I would have ovulated, had I ovulated, and besides...I've been bleeding for 5 days now!

In any case, I go back in 3 months and he ordered a pregnancy test as part of that bloodwork and expects it to come back positive. :D

He really is such a great doctor! He told me to keep up with whatever I'm doing because I'm doing a great job.

It was just the motivation I needed. I came home and went for a great walk with Maggie and Becky and burned 389 calories.

Stupid Scales

As of yesterday morning, with only 1 week to go to my 1st big weight loss goal, I found myself only 1.4 lbs away from my goal. Then we bought a new scale. Now I'm 2.6 lbs away. Stupid scale. And who knows how long it's been wrong... but now I've only lost 26 lbs instead of the 27 lbs I thought I lost. And a much bigger loss needed for the next week to get to my goal.

Then...another 15 lbs to lose so we can start TTC. I don't want to wait, but I really should anyway. Need some time to get the BCP hormones out of my system. And I want to get some more distance between me and the 200 lb mark. I NEVER want to go over 200 lbs again, not even due to pregnancy.

Thanks for all your help with thoughts on which company I should consult for. I've decided to go with Tastefully Simple. It helps that my friend would be my sponsor instead of a complete stranger. We're planning on having my Launch Off party in 3 weeks when I'll officially start being a consultant. That will give me some time to get a little more comfortable being a consultant before I quit my job. I'm SCARED TO DEATH of doing this. I get so nervous in front of a crowd. But it's worth it. I get to be my own boss, make my own hours, and stay home during the day with Margaret. So I'll find a way to make it work. I was terrified of going to work the 1st day of the job I have now. I almost didn't even go in that first day. But I did, and I got used to it. (Some would say "and look where it got you?"... but it has been 8 years since that first day and most people don't stay at the same job that long these days.)

Now if only they would get to work on renovating my parents' house. My parents are on vacation for the next week so no work will be done during that time. Then he's supposed to see about getting all the carpeting ripped up and hardwood floors put down throughout the house, then finishing the basement. I'm starting to think his October 1st estimate is optimistic. But I guess even if he's a few weeks late, we'll make it work. No matter what, I'm putting in my notice during September. Enough is enough.

Too True!

You HAVE to check this out! I couldn't stop laughing!

Mom-101: Too Young For Chutes and Ladders, Too Old To Just Sit There While You Drink

Biding My Time

We spoke with my father on Sunday and it looks like this is a go. He's already talking about getting the floors done (the carpet will be ripped up, hardwood floors will go down). He estimates our move-in date as October 1st. That's one month later than I had hoped, but getting any date out of him makes me feel more secure that this will happen. I've already started the countdown... 65 days until I can put in my 2 weeks' notice at work. I'm thrilled!

BTW, today is the 1 year anniversary of when my father died. Fortunately, they revived him and he has recovered well from his heart attack. It's freaky to think that in just one hour, at that time last year, I was on my way to the hospital not knowing what to expect. I'm grateful he's still alive.

I'm also looking for suggestions. I'm now considering being a home consultant/home demonstrator once I become a SAHM. But I'm not sure which company to go with. I need something that will give me a steady income of at least $150/week, after taxes (preferably, $200/week). I have a friend who is a Tastefully Simple consultant and, of course, she highly recommends going with them. The advantage is that if someone wants a party on a day I won't do it (Sundays) I can refer them to her. But I'm afraid to be around food. Gourmet food, no less, which means lots of calories and fat. I don't wear make-up, so Mary Kay and Avon would be very awkward for me. I'm just not a high maintenance chick. Anyway, any advice? Suggestions?

When Time Does Not Fly...

It looks like our plans may take longer than expected. My father still has not told my mother of his intention to have us move in. He also planned on finishing the basement during his 4 weeks of vacation (which start in 1 week), but now he's planning on going away for 2 of those weeks. My heart sunk. I know we've only had these plans for a few days, but I've already begun the countdown to when I can give my notice at work (5 weeks and 6 days, as of this moment). I don't want to go there anymore. I want to be home with Margaret. I don't know how much longer I can last beyond our plans...

We did start decluttering though. There will be a neighborhood tag sale in my parents' neighborhood next Saturday and mom said I could bring some things up. So Brian worked on cleaning the garage (looks like that will require quite a few more days) and while Maggie napped, I started going through our stuff in the basement. I look around and feel overwhelmed by everything that we need to sort through, pack, possibly store, and the rest move to my parents' house. Plus we'll (read: I'll) need to paint the rooms before we move in, clean up this place where we've been for 5 years after we move... I plan on having 2 weeks overlap when I won't be working but will be in the process of moving (and I'll keep Maggie in daycare for those 2 weeks) to make it a little easier. You never realize how much *STUFF* you have until you have to move it.

Hopefully, I'll still be moving it...

What you don't know is that we were supposed to move in with my parents 3 years ago. When we weren't too happy about being landlords anymore, my father convinced me to sell the house and move in with them to save money. We put the house on the market, sold it... and then my sister's boyfriend moved in. Even though my dad threatened to kick him out, in the end, he stayed. As my mother put it, "he's family". So much for blood relations. ::rolling eyes:: In any case, that left us homeless (in a sense) and it ruined our plans of paying off the debt at that time. That's how we ended up staying in the same apartment and renting it back from the new owner of our house.

Brian keeps telling me not to get my hopes up this time. My father has a history of being wishy-washy. But he seemed so excited that I figured that wouldn't even factor into it this time. It looks like I better prepare myself. Because I have a feeling that being stuck here, and being stuck at my crappy job, may wreak havok on my mental health if I set myself up to move/quit my job and neither happen.

Congrats To My Cousin!

One of my cousins, who has struggled with infertility for several years now and also has PCOS, is now outside of the first trimester of her first pregnancy! Woohoo!! She's due on our grandmother's birthday in January (the same grandmother from which Margaret received her middle name). It's just so wonderful to see those who have struggled with fertility to finally get what they've wanted so badly. We're all resting much easier now that she's in the 2nd tri.

Stop The World, I'm Ready To Get Off

It's been a tough last few weeks. Depression had its hold on me, wrecking all that was good. The constant rain didn't help. But it seemed like the weight of the world was coming down on me, and I just couldn't deal with it.

Work couldn't be worse. My boss, like many others, I'm sure, has taken to making my life completely miserable while I'm there. I'm babysat and constantly ridiculed or harassed in front of the rest of the staff, as well as customers. The most recent incident actually could have put my life in danger.

Daycare is making me more and more unhappy. The people are nice, but they often screw things up. They've lost some of Margaret's back-up clothes. They gave her another child's lunch one day (which can be pretty serious since she does have some sensitivities). And this is on top of the frequent (becoming even more frequent) illnesses. After having the trots only a couple of weeks ago, we were called in on Monday to pick her up because she had a fever of 102 degrees and there was a classroom-wide exposure to hand-foot-mouth disease. Great.

Finances. Nobody's ever really happy with theirs, are they? But our financial situation has become rather scary. We get by. But after everything is paid, there's no money left. Last month, I even had to charge groceries a few times.

Our living situation. I hate living where we do. The neighbors are noisy and smoke. The apartment is small. The landlord never mows the lawn so we can't even take Margaret outside. And they're doing renovations right now: repairing the front porch on our level, ripping up the retaining wall out front and replacing, painting the house, and they'll be ripping up the driveway shortly, too. I hate it.

I finally broke down, while out to get Margaret's Flovent on Monday (because the asthma has returned), and found myself driving to my parents' house, where I poured my heart out. It was so unlike me. My father has since decided that the best thing he can do for us is to have us move in with them (he even suggested doing this until Margaret is in school full time!). He's very excited about this plan, although I'm a bit worried that my mother will make our lives miserable.

Regardless, my father is ready to help us get back on our feet. He then told me he didn't think I should continue working where I am, and even said he would be fine with me being a SAHM while we live with them. Brian, however, is not fine with that plan. But I will be quitting my job when we move there, and I'll pick up a part-time night job (something that's about 6PM to midnight or so) to bridge the gaps. With the money I'll get from quitting my job, I'll be able to pay off at least 1 credit card in full, possibly 2, leaving a much more manageable debt.

So here I am, counting the days. I get to get out of this crappy house, say bye-bye to my job, and not have to worry anymore about what they may or may not be doing at daycare. And I'll get to spend my days with Margaret!!

Which, in turn, has brought about something else unexpected... Baby fever. It just started. Now it seems possible that we *can* have another. And seeing as my father is always asking when I'll be giving Margaret a brother, I have a feeling he would be pretty happy about that, too.

The future is beginning to look bright again. Is it the end of August yet?

ETA: I almost forgot!! Margaret's labs came back just fine! Hooray!!! no concerns about elevated lead levels here!

Healthy As Can Be

Maggie is now fully recovered from the trots. She had her one year appointment at the pediatrician's yesterday. Our little heifer :) is now 26 lbs 5.5 oz and 31 inches tall!!! I figured she was around 26 lbs, although many 2T clothes are still loose around her waist. She scored very well on development (the only one he told me specifically was language, which she's in the 75th percentile on that... but I saw what he wrote on the rest of the page and she was past all the benchmarks). Then I was reminded why I chose this doctor...

We got on the discussion of milk. It was discovered a few weeks ago that Maggie may have a lactose sensitivity. She's been on soy formula since her first case of diarrhea in October, when we couldn't get her back on regular formula because the diarrhea would come back. About a month ago, Maggie started refusing her formula. Her doctor's office (another staff member) told me we could start her on milk then. She likes it just fine... but the diarrhea (not the sick kind, the "I can't handle this stuff" kind) came back. So the office told me to try soy milk. I'm not terribly fond of soy to begin with. The only reason why we stuck it out with soy formula is that it was supposed to be a temporary thing. I didn't want soy for the long run. So we tried almond milk, but she didn't like that. Since then, she's gone back to drinking formula, but only 12-16 oz a day. She does eat a serving of Stonyfield Farm Yo Baby yogurt every day, and some cheese, so she's not totally intollerant of milk products. It's just that she can't handle large doses of lactose.

I talked with her doctor about this yesterday and he got excited, told me to hold on a minute, and ran out of the room to get some papers for me. He came back and declared that she doesn't have to drink milk in any form. As long as she can get enough calcium from food sources (which 1 oz of cheese and a serving of yogurt exceed the calcium requirements of a child her age), we don't need to worry about it. Then he started to tell me about a colleague who had to give up dairy with her last child because he was intollerant. She had eczema all of her life, but it cleared up once she gave up dairy. She was amazed. I was thrilled the conversation went here! I commented on how many people are allergic to milk and don't even realize it, and he agreed. Then I mentioned how a naturopath had once visited one of my classes and told us how we're not designed to drink milk; how you don't see any other animals drinking other animals' milk. He laughed and agreed! He also said that in parts of the world where there's increased milk consumption, there's also increased heart disease, and they're finding a link in this. I was so happy to find that he had similar views as I do about milk!!! Our old mainstream doctor would not have been so understanding... nor would we even have had that conversation probably since he always rushed us out the door.

Anyway, she had 2 vaccinations and blood drawn (to check lead levels since we live in a house built in 1910). Poor girl! But she was just fine afterwards. They all commented on how good she was and how I should have a bunch more, right now. 8O I said "Sure, once I win the Lotto!!"

BTW, in case you're wondering, the nose piercing was saved. I had to drive a half hour to get something else to put in there, but it didn't close up! I'm sure you're overjoyed! ;)

I'm Such An Idiot

Last night I finished up everything I needed to do early. So I figured, at about 9:30PM, that I would change out the jewelry in my nostril piercing. It should be healed by now and I have another nose screw (sounds like something dirty, eh? ;) ) that has a gem I like better in it. It took me about a half hour, but I finally did get the original nose screw out. The thing is, I should have stopped when I found it difficult to remove. I should have known better. 1 hour later, after countless attempts, I could not get either the new or original nose screws in. I was in tears. I didn't want to lose the piercing, but there's nowhere you can go at 11PM around here to get a piercer to put the jewelry in for you. Feeling like a fool, I stuck in some fishing line as a makeshift retainer and called it a night.

This morning, my nose hurts so much!! I'm home with sick Maggie again so I called my sister before she left for work and begged her to stop at the body piercing studio in the town where she works to get me a retainer. She has a friend who has a nostril piercing, too, who has shown her many times how to remove and re-insert nose jewelry, so she thought it was pretty funny. Hopefully, it doesn't close up before she gets here.

Yes, another sick day with Maggie. Diarrhea. It seems she gets a bout of this *every* month and it always lasts about a week. I keep thinking of this report I read, "One Sick Day Away", every time I have to call in sick to work for her. I guess a lot of employers are not that understanding about family matters like this. I was telling Brian about the report and he said "But they can't fire you because you're home with your sick daughter! You have plenty of sick time!" (Which I do have about 4 weeks banked and I earn 1.5 days for every month I work...sadly, I haven't accumulated in a long time.) But what he doesn't understand is that they find ways around it. And any mom who has been forced to stay home often with a sick child knows how easy it would be for their employer to claim that work quality has suffered so you get the boot. I mean, missing 2 days on average per month will make your work quality suffer, no doubt about it. And it's not like I can do my job at home. But there isn't a darn thing I can do about it either. All of my family works, and Brian only gets 5 sick days a year, so I'm the likely candidate to stay home when she's ill. I have no choice in the matter. So far, my boss has *seemed* understanding, saying she remembers those days from when her kids were babies. But she's also been known to be a totally different person when you're not around, if you know what I mean, so who knows...

Life goes on...

OMG!!! It's been so long!

How could nearly 2 months have passed since my last entry? The time has really flown by!

I've been a bit obsessed with a healthier lifestyle (and therefore, weight loss) over the last couple of months, so I've been spending the bulk of my time: reading articles on how to break bad habits and build good ones; tracking calories; exercising; etc. It's been all-consuming - but it's been working, too! Since April 21st, I've lost 21.6 lbs!!! I have a long way to go still, but I was able to reach my pre-pregnancy weight by Maggie's birthday!!






And yes, Maggie is now a one year old!! We celebrated with our immediate families on June 17th. Poor girl didn't even know what to do with her cupcake! Daddy had to help her out!

She's also officially a toddler, having learned to walk a few weeks ago!!! She's been keeping me very busy now that she's so mobile, constantly climbing on the furniture and trying to make long distance calls on the cordless phone or change the outgoing message on our answering machine. And if she can't have her way, she throws MASSIVE tantrums. My mom said I was the same way. She's thrilled.

I can't believe how much Maggie has changed over the last year. At this time last year, we were learning the ropes as inexperienced new parents with our new little "blob". Now, she's walking, crawling, climbing, laughing, "talking", using her imagination all the time, drawing (she even knows to stay on the paper...for the most part!), and she clearly has her own little personality. She tries to manipulate and is very opinionated. She very much is a little person, and it's totally amazing to me! The time truly does fly by and before we know it, she'll be all grown up. But I'm not wishing for that anytime soon. I'm just trying to savor the here and now.

I've Been Tagged!

Is this an attempt to get me to post more? Ha ha! I've been tagged by Momma Bee for 6 Things Weird About Me!

Rules

1. Go write weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people!
2. Then leave a comment that says ‘You are tagged’ in their comments telling them to read your blog.

Weird Things About Me.

1. I, like Momma Bee, also have some serious social anxiety. I wasn't always like this. I was actually an outspoken and outgoing young lady, but after hooking up with DH, I've become more and more of a turtle in social situations. I avoid them whenever possible, and don't have any desire to go out and "make friends" even though all of my IRL friends have moved on (different stages in life).

2. I have to have one of the most perverted senses of humor. It's probably because my father started telling me dirty jokes when I was in 5th grade, but I can turn just about anything said into something "dirty." And often find myself giggling at the most inopportune times because of this.

3. I have this weird counting thing I do. I must have OCD... I count Maggie's cups when I'm filling them, count out in my head (as in 1, 2, 3...) the scoops, count the number of times I pump the soap dispenser when washing my hands at work, even the number of tissues I grab. No particular reason why, I just do.

4. I am still afraid of the dark. Maggie has *mostly* cured me of that because of the night wakings early on, but I still get creeped out when I get up in the middle of the night and walk through the dark apartment, or go out to my car in an unlit area.

5. Kind of connected with 4, I believe in ghosts - but don't ever want to come across one. I've actually said silent prayers while driving at night on backroads to *not* see any ghosts as I don't want to open that door.

6. I almost never burp. Most people do, but I probably do only a few times a year. It's always weird (and gross!) to me when I do.

Is there anyone left for me to tag?

I'm tagging Kat and Kether!

BTW, where did the last 10 days go? I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post!!!

Check This Out!

2 posts in one day! LOL!

The big guys at work have blocked most everything these days. I can understand... I'm sure the infinite web access affected my productivity. It's just too much temptation to resist! Fortunately, my private group has escaped the gun, but just about everything else brings up a lovely "FORBIDDEN" screen that scares the heck out of you the first couple of times you see it! Including my email. :( Darn them expecting me to WORK at work!

I have a lot going on right now. I really did take on too much at one time though, hence why some things are sliding already. I believe it was about 2 weeks ago that I did the big *life* revamp. Got all excited about consolidating my credit card bills, started exercising, and tried to eat better.... Well, the consolidation was nothing to be excited about. Even though the loan manager didn't tell me in advance, they only consolidated 3 of my 5 credit cards, for a total of only half of the 2 remaining cards. :-/ I was less-than-thrilled when I discovered this on the big paper-signing day. And the manager wasn't available when I was there signing the papers, so I didn't even find out why she was so sure in the beginning that we could do all of it, and then it ended up falling short to only 1/3 of what I originally asked for. Paying things off has lost the luster it had 2 weeks ago.

Then the exercising...that went great at first. I got one last day of skiing in, walked for 3 days in a row, and then went on a bike ride.... But then Brian accidentally drove the bike rack off of my Blazer, putting us out of commission for a few days. The weather turned for the worse. And Maggie got sick.

Maggie getting sick also killed the eating better thing... I'm a stress eater and when I'm stressed, I eat whatever I feel like for comfort at the time, whether or not it's healthy. I didn't go crazy overboard, but I could have definitely eaten a lot better. I guess during all the screaming, and pooing, and washing poo off of everything, I decided that I might as well have some small pleasure...and that was found in food.

But you know what? I could be a lot more down about it, but I'm not. The sun has been shining, it was warm today, and at least I have food on my table (albeit not low-fat food, but good-tasting nonetheless). Maggie seems to really know who I am these days and when she's in a good mood, there's nothing better than her laughter and hugs. Or watching her studiously inspect new objects like she's memorizing every facet of them. Her discovery of the world is like discovering it all over again myself. When things go well with her, they go very well for me because of her. And I'm grateful for that.

Thanks to my sistas for sticking around and checking up on me! I will do my best not to be so much of a stranger!

MIA no more

Sorry to have disappeared without a trace! We are still here, though... Just been too busy to get on here!

Margaret now has 4 teeth: 2 top, 2 bottom, all in the front. It looks like her top left eye tooth will be coming in during the next couple of weeks - fun! She just got over a nasty bout of runny tummy that, for a short while, I started to wonder if it was rotovirus. Even if it was not, it is not something I ever want to go through again. She was miserable, my laundry quadrupled, and I missed a lot of work during a crucial time of year. I'm wondering how much longer that will go on before they try to reprimand me for missed time. I haven't made it through a single month since returning to work without taking at least 1 sick day because of Margaret.

I'm feeling much better about life. Must be the arrival of spring. Warm weather and sunshine do much for the soul, and I can see the difference in my outlook. It also helps that ski season is now over so I have a lot more help from Brian. Margaret is enjoying the time with him and I'm enjoying regaining my sanity.

I wish I had time for more of an update, but it's time to get Maggie ready for school. I wish all my friends in blogger-land well, and I miss you! There really needs to be about 3 more hours in every day!!

Same Old, Same Old.

Feelings, that is. Over the weekend, I had a resurgance (or would that be re-emergence?) of what I was feeling before vacation. Brian's been away a lot again, and Maggie was extremely cranky, which seems to be the golden combination for making me feel like crap about myself and everything else. Brian and I did discuss it, but I don't know if anything will change. We do need to spend more time together though. Much of the little time we have together is spent on opposite sides of the living room, typing away on our notebook computers and not talking. Sure, Brian isn't a social guy and rarely has much to say...but this is no way for a couple to spend all their time together. Of course, the sacrifice is even more of my precious little internet time. But I lived without the internet for over half my life. I think I can spare a little of it for the sake of my marriage and a healthy relationship.

Margaret continues to amaze me. She's starting to dance a bit. She sings in the car (although who the heck knows what she's actually saying!). She's cruising. She takes her burp cloth and acts like she's cleaning (is this a sign that mommy isn't cleaning enough? ;) ). She's more independent, amusing herself for much of the day (as long as she's in a mood to do so, that is). She is exclusively drinking from Nuby sippy cups now - no more bottles! We're also venturing more into "real" food. She had her first taste of couscous yesterday. And freeze-dried bananas and mangoes last week. This results in more work for me. It's certainly easier to dish out a meal from a jar than to plan out and make "real" food for a pint-sized meal. But it's worth it. The goal is to be off of jar food by her first birthday, and with a little over 3 months to work on it, I don't think that's unrealistic.

Our plan was to start TTC again this summer. I have mixed feelings on this, though. Now that I've gotten past my baby fever of this past winter, I'm thinking more logically. Another baby means stretching our tight budget even tighter. It also means that we probably would not be able to send Margaret to a Montessori school, which is high on my list of priorities for her future. And if Margaret drives me crazy all by herself, how will I handle a toddler and an infant? Brian sometimes thinks I'm crazy to want 2 babies so close in age...but is also eager to start trying for a son and doesn't want our children to be too far apart in age either. It's a huge list of contradicting emotions and thoughts, and I'm really not sure what we will do once summer comes. I do want more children. I'm not sure if the time is right, though, now that I can look at it with a clear head. To further complicate the matter, however, is my medical condition, which is always at the back of my mind. The clock is ticking, and with PCOS, my fertile period may be much shorter than most. My endocrinologist also wants to put me on Lipitor within the next year to year and a half due to my family history of cholesterol issues (and the fact that mine rose significantly during my pregnancy with Margaret). I can't be on this drug if I'm TTC or pregnant, and I really should be done having my family once I go on it... So that's another consideration. (Sound familiar? I know I've listed all this off before... but it's on my mind again.) I have no idea what I should do. Do I even want to venture into the TTC world again, knowing that it's possible to miscarry again? Another thought...

Fortunately, Margaret is keeping me busy enough to not have to think about it too much right now. But I can't keep putting it off, and decisions will need to be made. Soon.

Still Alive!

Just amazingly busy!

Antigua was unbelievable! I never understood before why anyone would want to go to a hot place and hang out at the beach. The problem is, my experience was with the crowded public beaches in New England, where there's barely any breathing room, the water's probably not too clean, and the sand is pretty rocky. You feel like herded cattle at the beaches here. Even though the beach was public where we stayed in Antigua, it was totally different. Cool breeze to make sure you didn't get too hot in the 80 degree heat. No crowds. Nice sunshades with chairs. Beautiful turqoise water and white soft, sandy beaches. It was pure bliss! I think Brian has lost me as a skiing partner... all I can think of is when we can escape again to another Caribbean destination.

This was us on the beach in front of Sandals after my SIL's wedding (don't get me started on Sandals, though!!):
picture 1

Maggie on the beach at sunset:
picture 2

Maggie after she feasted on the sand (yuck! And she just kept doing it!):
picture 3

And me, snorkeling:
picture 4

Since our return, Maggie and I have both been sick. Her cough is back, and I have another sinus infection. UGH! When will it end?

So the most exciting thing to happen lately is that my tax refund came today so I was able to order my new vacuum: a Dyson DC15 Total Clean. When the landlord had work done on the hallway, the workers ruined my other vacuum. I've been stuck with a Swiffer Sweep and Vac ever since (which, sadly, actually does a better job than my old vac anyway on the hard floors we have). I'm hoping the Dyson will live up to its hype.

Nothing But The Best

All mommies want nothing but the best for their children. We don't want them to suffer, we want them to be brilliant, well-liked, and grow into wonderful human beings. To give them the world on a platter, even if we're not able.

I've been looking into Montessori schools lately. I'm not happy with the way the public school system works, especially since the introduction of "No Child Left Behind." I never believed standardized tests were an indicator of the intelligence of a person, so the new increased emphasis on them (and the transition to essentially teaching the test) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I used to want to homeschool, but we can't afford to have me stay home. Besides, we all know how well I've done lately with being home all the time - I'm just not cut out to be a SAHM. So that leaves private schools.

I had heard the term "Montessori" many times in the past, but never really understood the philosophy. Even now, I'm only just starting to understand it. But I do like the emphasis on child-led learning, that the child is allowed to explore and learn at his own pace and the teacher is more of a guide than THE authority figure, doling out the rules and punishments.

Fortunately, there are a few Montessori schools in the area. And I'm finding that the tuition isn't that much more than what we pay for daycare anyway, even including the before and after school care. Brian is sort of on board. He's known about my dissatisfaction with the public school system since we met over ten years ago. But it's a money issue. $20 more per week doesn't seem like much right now, but we were originally planning on TTC again this summer. Another baby means less money... And less money means less opportunities.

That's the hardest part for me. I was the eldest of 4 in my family, and each of us is 4 years apart from the next. I saw the impact each child had on the family's finances, as well as the opportunities for each of us. And it's something that is on my mind frequently now that I'm a mommy and considering having another. On the one hand, if we give her a sibling soon, she won't know the difference. Won't know what she's missing out on (unlike my experience). On the other hand, I don't want to give up those opportunities. I want her to have the best, especially when it comes to education. Because in the end, that's all you have that no one can take away from you.

The school that I'm researching starts the students at 18 months for the first cycle (Montessori teaching is in 3 year cycles). Which means, I have to make a decision soon if I want her to go because she would have to start in the fall when the new school year begins. And if we start her, we'd be commiting to a full cycle (which in her case, would be until 3 years of age for the first cycle).

What to do?

In other news, I'm feeling a little better emotionally right now. Brian took over and watched Margaret all day while I rested. My sinus infection took a turn for the worse and I spent most of the day in bed with a debilitating headache and feeling sick to my stomach. But the rest did me some good (although it has thrown my sleep schedule off, if you couldn't tell by the posting time). I'm feeling a little more like me again. :)

It's All Falling Apart

Call me selfish, but this is the last thing I needed right now. Brian and I still are having issues, due to his total lack of understanding of where I'm coming from... And now, a group of my friends (sistas, if you will) has basically fallen entirely apart. I'm just not at my full mental capacity to be dealing with this right now... I guess I'm an awful friend, on top of everything else.

Yesterday, my mom watched Margaret for the first time so I could go to the Walk-In clinic. It turns out that I have a sinus infection. I asked if she would put me on the Z-pack (5 pills over 5 days instead of the usual 20 pills over 10 days) and she offered me one better than that. I ended up taking this "new" Zithromax antibiotic that is one dose. You drink a bottle of this stuff (and it has to be consumed practically immediately from when the pharmacist mixes it) and that's it...no worries about any more doses over the course of the infection. Yes, it was chalky and nasty tasting. But at least I won't be forgetting any pills. She also put me on Advair, however, because of my asthma. That I have to do twice a day for a month... Won't be easy to remember, but I better do it. I'm prone to bronchitis and the last thing I need right now is for my sinus infection to turn into that.

Today, Margaret spent the morning with my MIL so I could go get waxed. You read that right. MIL and my SsIL gave me a spa gift certificate for my birthday in October. I originally inteded to use this for a massage, but once I learned we were going to Antigua, I changed my mind and figured I'd get a half leg and bikini wax. Why bother with shaving if I don't need to, right? YEOUCH! Nothing like having your short curlies yanked out from such a delicate and sensitive area. And for some reason, one leg hurt more than the other (and no, it wasn't the first leg!). One hour later, she was done.

I don't think I'll ever do that again. Waxing the eyebrows is about as much pain as I'll submit myself to regularly. But it was interesting. And oddly, therapeutic. I couldn't think about anything else but what was going on right then and there. Very Zen, living in the moment like that. And physical pain can sometimes make me externalize my internal (mental) pain. Sort of like when I got my tattoo after my miscarriage.

Upon my return, I learned that Margaret was a happy and curious babe while I was gone. But what does she do? Practially immediately from when we arrived back at home, the crankiness returned. ((SIGH)) I'm having such a hard time handling that right now... And Brian wasn't all that understanding. I ended up leaving her in his care and going for a drive for a couple hours. I needed to clear my head.

I hope things will improve soon... It can't keep getting worse, can it?

Black Cloud

I should be ecstatic. Margaret crawls well, is pulling to stand on everything with high efficiency, and has even started the beginning stages of cruising. She's growing up...

But instead, I'm getting burned out. Maybe it's all the illnesses (she was sent home yesterday with Pink Eye, and now I have a sore throat, headache, earache, and post-nasal drip - AGAIN) but I'm just not handling things all that well right now. I dread staying home with Maggie all day because of how demanding she is. I never can pee when the need arrises, And she cries a lot. Some of it comes from falling when she's trying to stand. But a lot of it is plain crankiness. And it's making me cranky and depressed.

I want to run away.... And be all by myself.

I'm hoping that we will be offered a lot of help while in Antigua next week. I need a break. And if I don't get it, I'm afraid of what it will do to my mental health. Is it possible to suffer PPD 8 months after the baby is born? Or is it just general, temporary depression? I don't know... Doesn't matter. I couldn't afford to see a psychiatrist even if I needed to. And with Maggie's Pulmicort totalling over $300/month, I definitely can't afford any more meds.

I need a break....Please!

Post #299

I couldn't think of a title. :)

Things are a little better. Brian apologized when he got home from work Tuesday. It was a long day for both of us. He said he immediately wished he could have taken back what he said, and he was really mad at himself for sleeping in. He has made an effort since then to get up earlier. And I've tried to do whatever I can to make sure he leaves on time. I don't think we've really addressed the heart of the matter, but we haven't really had the time to either. At least I'm not ready to kick him out of the house now. :)

I've been really hormonal lately. Part of it most definitely is due to the fact that I can't seem to remember to take my BCPs. At least 3 times this month, I've had to double up on them (and once, I had to triple up!). Good thing we've been too sick to toy with fate. I'm just too tired right now and I've sort of gotten over the temporary baby fever that drove me crazy recently. Although, when I was pregnant, I was so calm all the time. I miss that.

Margaret is about the same. Still wheezy, but happy. We spend nearly an hour every day doing breathing treatments, plus any she may need while at daycare. I can't wait until she gets off of antibiotics (her last dose is tonight). Cloth diapering through it has not been fun. Especially since she has a tendency to feel abandoned if you put her down after changing her and run off to the bathroom to rinse off the dirty diaper. This morning, I simply popped her into my fleece pouch and slid her onto my back so I could deal with the task at hand without having her scream her head off. She still tried to grab at everything, but at least her hands were safely away from the ick she produced.

How do you know if you're getting burned out? I fear I'm on the verge of it.

And while we will find ourselves on Antigua in less than 3 weeks, it won't be a vacation from "it all." I'll still have to worry about feedings (and how the heck I'll manage bottles without a fridge or safe water supply), diapers, washing bottles, (fortunately, not washing diapers...I'm taking a vacation from cloth), naps, and all that baby stuff. Plus traveling with a baby. It may end up being more stressful than staying home. I'm sure we'll have a great time, but I may end up needing a vacation after our vacation just to recover.

Stress

There are so many stressors in life. Since my miscarriage in July 2004, I've tried my best to not let them get to me. I've tried...

But being sick, and having a child, makes it much more difficult to deal with stress. And so, it's getting to me.

I ended up taking Margaret to the emergency room yesterday. Daycare called about 45 minutes after my work day started, concerned because she was having difficulty breathing. I told them I'd come to get her, and tried to call her doctor's office before I left work. I got the answering service, even though it was 9:15...and I got disconnected while I was on hold. This threw me into quite the fit. By the time I picked Margaret up, her breathing was much better. They told me they had no problem with her staying if she had a breathing treatment, or if they got authorization to give them. Seeing as I couldn't get in touch with her doctor, however, I brought her straight to the hospital. I wanted to ensure there wasn't something else wrong with her.

After a nasal RSV test and a chest x-ray, the diagnosis is the same as before. Bronchiolitis, although not the type caused by RSV. That test was negative. Treatment: continue with the breathing treatments. :-/ I finally got in touch with her pediatrician at around 2PM and was able to get them to give authorization for nebulizer treatments at daycare. I also got a prescription for a nebulizer so I could buy a 2nd one to keep exclusively at daycare. However, it will be about a week before that 2nd nebulizer arrives.

This morning was pure hell. Brian didn't set his alarm clock so he was running behind. I did what I always do... get bottles ready and labeled, get food ready for daycare, fill out forms for daycare, feed Margaret her bottle, start her solids (Brian usually finishes her solids). Brian gave her the Pulmicort breathing treatment, but not Albuterol. So I had to fit that in, after stuffing and packing the cloth dipes for daycare, as well as changing a disgustingly messy poopy diaper, rinsing off said diaper, and packing myself up for the day. I ended up leaving the house 15 minutes late, and I almost forgot her antibiotic.

In the middle of all of this, Brian actually had the nerve to tell me that I need to get up earlier. I already wake up 2.5-2.75 hrs before I have to be at work. He's barely managing 1.75 hrs before work lately. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how this isn't fair, especially considering I also stay up later with everything that needs to be done at night. I am SEETHING right now with rage. We've had this discussion over and over again about his time mis-management in the morning. But for him to blame ME because I expect some help from him in the morning is absurd. He's well-known for taking 30-40 minute showers (mine are a measly 10 minutes, at the most). Plus all the time he spends in the bathroom before the shower. BUT I'm to blame.

I told him before that I would start taking showers at night since he doesn't leave me much time in the morning, but I'd need to cut my hair short because I can't do that with longer hair. He flat out refused to let me cut my hair. I'm so mad right now, though, that I'm about ready to have it buzz-cut.

I don't like the person I am right now. I don't like that I become this person because of the nonsense that escapes from his lips. And the selfishness he exhibits. There's so much more to this, and I really am in no mood to go listing off every marital issue we've had. But the stress... It's really the last thing I need right now...

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

For the 3rd time, I've relapsed with this virus. No appetite, nausea, ears are killing me, sore throat, cough, and sinus pain. I sent Margaret to daycare, as she seems to be doing well, and took myself to the walk in clinic. Just as I suspected, the diagnosis: virus. Apparently, there's some crazy mutant virus going around right now that's an equal opportunity bug, making you sick in just about every way possible. Since I am prone to sinus infections, she looked carefully to see if there were any signs that a bacterial infection was developing. Fortunately, there aren't any. So I have to rest and drink lots of fluids, steam and humidifier at night. The usual. At least with Margaret at daycare today I have a chance of getting some rest.

She's still wheezy, but happy. I believe the doctor called her a "Happy Wheezer." She was a bit unsure when I dropped her off at daycare today. Totally understandable since it's been almost a week since she was there last. I had to remember to tell them how much more mobile she is now, too. If there aren't any mobile babies in the room, they don't put up the gate. They'll be needing it now. I'm sure it will be rough since she's been with me for so long. But she loves the ladies at daycare, and they love her, too. She's in good hands.

I remember when I was TTC I worried about illnesses like this. How would I ever manage to take care of my kids while sick? I've found that you find a way. It's not fun, and you're not helping yourself any in getting over what you have, but you do what you have to do. She spent a bit more time in the Exersaucer than I would have liked, and I'll admit that I let her watch some TV with me (shudder at the thought, I know... I had planned on no TV until she was 2!), but we've made it. So far, anyway. :) And I'm sure we'll make it again. And again. And again. Now I wonder.... how do you do it with 2 kids?

I'll Huff, and I'll Puff, and I'll Blow Your House Down

We're pretty lucky in that where we live (Connecticut) is usually fairly free of natural disasters. Sure, we get our Nor'easter snow storms, but to be honest, they've been few and far between lately. They're not what they used to be. However, the weather is always changing... and it's been pretty weird recently. Winters around here usually bring temps around freezing, maybe a bit below at this point, with some snow. Instead, temps keep ending up in the 40s-50s and we're getting a lot of rain. A lot. Today, we're predicted to get about 2 inches. It may not sound like much, but when the ground is pretty much frozen other than the top layer, it's not exactly a good thing. Flood watches are in effect, and the water is pouring into our basement right now. Fortunately, there's a sump pump down there to take care of it.

However, we're also under Wind Advisory. (Or is it Wind Watch? I can't keep them straight!) Winds are supposed to be sustained at near 40 mph for at least an hour, with gusts up to 60 mph throughout much of the day (at least, that's how they defined the advisory...). I can hear the wind blowing outside right now, and I'm so grateful that it's not cold because our apartment is anything but air-tight. Hopefully, we won't lose power. Otherwise, that Flood Watch will be a big problem for us.

When we owned this house, Brian and I once awoke after a November ice storm to find that we had no power. I don't know exactly how long it had been out, but it was probably near 4 hours. Sure enough, the basement was full of water. We spent the next 4 hours manually bailing it out until the power came back on. And we were lucky. We're on the same grid as the hospital, so power usually is turned back on as quickly as possible. Others who lost power in that storm had to wait it out up to 4 days for it to return. I cannot bail out the basement by myself with a baby in tow, so that power better stay on this time!

(Oh yeah, I'm starting to feel much better. I'm not queasy anymore, which is good. I lost nearly 5 lbs while sick, but now I have a voracious appetite so I'm sure I'll put it back on pretty quickly. Margaret is still pretty wheezy, but no worse. We plan on returning to the real world tomorrow.)

Another Day Sick

I can't believe how much of a relapse I had today! I was feeling a bit better yesterday, even eating real food again. Last night, I got barely any sleep because my stomach was in a state of constant turmoil. Then the diarrhea returned this morning. And the constant state of nausea. I couldn't stomach the thought of any food. I managed 3 Saltines at around noon, and some plain sticky white rice a few hours later, but that's all I've eaten today. On top of the nausea, I now have post-nasal drip, some sinus pressure, sneezing, and coughing. And when I cough, my lower right ribs hurt. Oh yeah, and my ears hurt. I stayed home from work today (yesterday was a holiday). Fortunately, Brian stayed home today as well and helped out.

We brought Margaret to see her pediatrician because she's been wheezing pretty badly and had quite a bit of chest congestion. Plus she was screaming her head off this morning. It turns out that she has pretty bad ear infections in both ears and the doctor mentioned bronchiolitis again. I'm a bit puzzled by the latter, since I was under the impression from our last visit that he felt she had asthma and not bronchiolitis. But he says her symptoms point to that, and there's really nothing they can do for it. We'll continue with Pulmicort and Albuterol nebulizer treatments, but that's about all that's available for treatment for symptoms of bronchiolitis. It's basically a waiting game. He did prescribe amoxicillin for her ear infections, though.

I'll definitely be home again tomorrow. Besides how I feel, I want to give the antibiotics a chance to get into Margaret's system before she goes back to daycare. I was surprised when I called to give my boss an update this afternoon and she seemed understanding about me taking time off right now. I guess it's because I told her I was staying home for Margaret and downplayed my own illness. I told her the doctor cleared Margaret to return to school on Thursday and she actually said we'll see how it goes.

Of course, it also sucks that I have to pay for daycare all this week, even though she won't be there the bulk of this week. I'm very fortunate that I have so much earned sick time accumulated, because I could be in quite the financial bind due to an illness like this so early in the year.

Damn Flu

I think we were struck with the flu. I'm keeping things down today, but I'm achey all over and extremely tired. My stomach is still feeling queasy, too. Brian is now sick, so I had to suck it up and take care of Margaret today. She's mostly happy, but she's still having the occasional episode of diarrhea - one definite down side to using cloth diapers.

Somewhere in the mess of this past weekend, Margaret's first tooth popped through! I noticed it this morning when I gave her a bottle. It looks like it just came through, so it was probably within the last 12-24 hours that it happened (expert that I am ;) ). She took it so well, all things considered! Nothing like being hit with the flu and getting your first tooth in, all at the same time!

My baby is growing up... She's 7 months old today. Trying to crawl (definitely mobile, although not in any sort of formal way) and wanting to do everything for herself. Today was the first time that she really tried to take control of her feedings, too. She held the bottles so well. We tried a sippy cup, but she seems to want to play with it more than drink out of it. She'd rather sit straight up, which doesn't work too well when you don't understand that you need to knock your head back to drink out of a cup. But it was cute to watch.

She Got Me!

I've been up (on and off) since 3:30AM, puking and having a nasty bout of diarrhea. Why is it when Margaret gets sick, she handles it so much better (and it's a milder case)? Brian wonders if I have the flu.... Which means he'll be next. All I want to do is sleep but my stomach hurts. I almost had Brian bring me to the ER this morning because I couldn't keep any fluids down, and I was about as empty as empty could be. (Well, I thought so. My body has surprised me over and over again since then.) But I'm managing tiny bits of watered down Gatorade, so maybe I'll be okay.

You Know You're A Mom...

...when you get puked on in the bank lobby and you don't even bat an eyelash.

Yup. It was quite the day. Apparently, Margaret had thrown up a bit on Brian this morning. Having not seen how much, and knowing that in the past she had randomly thrown up only twice before (well, *only* thrown up twice before, and the incidents were weeks apart), I sent her to school anyway. He said she had been coughing before she vomitted, so I figured it was just her gag reflex over-reacting. She seemed normal, after all, and no fever was present. I picked her up from daycare around 12:45 (again, she was acting normal) and we went to the bank where my sister works to visit per her request. Margaret was acting quite shy during the visit, and was very quiet. About a half hour after our arrival, she let out a tiny, quick cry so I took her from my sister. Within seconds of the transfer, she started heaving. All over the right sleeve of my jacket, her poncho, and the bank lobby's tile floor. Which of course, caused it to splash back up all over my shoes and pants. I must have been stunned, because I didn't react much at all. Fortunately, my sister cleaned up the mess (I think she was afraid that if she took Margaret from me, she'd get puked on). I don't even know where she was hiding all that came out of her, because it doesn't seem possible that she could have had that much in her. We went home pretty quickly after that.

So Margaret's on Pedialyte exclusively for the next 24-48 hours. She still doesn't have a fever, which is good, but she did grace our presence with some nasty diarrhea not too long ago. Lucky me! Her doctor will be calling in the morning to check on her progress. Hopefully, this is a quick moving bug...

I'm It!

This is my first time being tagged! :)

I've been tagged by Renee, so here goes:

Four Jobs I've had:
1. Gas station attendant. Well, cashier is more like it. It wasn't demanding or stressful and if it had paid better and had benefits, I probably would have done it forever. :) I know, I'm a slacker.
2. Baker's assistant for my aunt at a bakery (this was during one of the layoffs from #3 due to "lack of work")
3. About a million different positions at White Flower Farm, Inc.
4. Secretary for a Municipal Assessor's Office (7 years now, amazingly...)

Four Places I've Lived:
(Well, I've lived in the same town for most of my life, so I'll have to get more specific)
1. Hitchingpost Dr
2. George St
3. Calhoun St
4. Funston Ave

Movies I'd Watch Again:
1. Finding Nemo
2. A Christmas Story
3. Harry Potter (any of them)
4. Me, Myself, and Irene

TV Shows I love to Watch:
1. Lost
2. King of Queens
3. Family Guy
4. Supernanny

4 of My Favorite Foods:
1. Baked Mac & Cheese
2. Chili
3. Chocolate
4. Pizza

Four Places I'd Rather be Right Now:
1. Anywhere but here :)
2. Montana
3. Vermont
4. New Hampshire

4 Bloggers I'd Like to Tag:
1. Kat
2. Kether
3. Crista
4. Blue

Who Woulda Thunk?

Did you know that pumpkins are fruits?

I never really thought much about it, until I saw it on a food introduction guide for babies under the "fruits" category. As are tomatoes (that one I knew), cucumbers, squash, peppers, ... Weird, isn't it? They're fruits because they have seeds in the edible flesh. True vegetables, like carrots, do not.

You learn something new every day.

Random Thoughts

Last night was a key night. Do I or don't I? In the end, I did. Start a new pack of birth control pills, that is. While I suspect that they are the reason why I can't manage to shed the last 15 pregnancy pounds, I think I need to be on them right now. They really do help with my PCOS symptoms in a huge way. And since we're really not TTC right now, I really should be on them. It was an excrutiatingly difficult decision to make. But I made it. For this month, anyway.

Margaret is on the verge of crawling. She gets up on her hands and knees, but when she wants to move, she drops the knees and sort of drags or pushes her body with her arms. She moves backwards more often than frontwards, and does this funny leg kick when she wants to turn. It's cute, but it's also a bit scary. I can't believe she's this grown up already!

We had a doctor's appointment Friday because Margaret has a cough that has persisted for 4 months now. After her examination and my answers to his questions, her doctor decided that she probably has asthma. We have to give her nebulizer treatments twice a day of Pulmicort, and if she has a bad day, then we have to add Albuterol to the mix. It may be that she'll only need this in the winter, but we won't know until we're past it. And it's all my fault because I have asthma...

Ever feel like maybe you shouldn't have had kids? Like you're not "breeding stock"? I worried about that a lot when we were TTC originally. As weird as it may sound, I often thought about dog breeding and how they prefer to have only the best of the best bred for the benefit of the genetic line. Here I am, I have PCOS, asthma, severe allergies, I'm overweight, short, and probably not the best looking person. Certainly not a perfect specimen of the human species, although I'd like to think I'm pretty smart since I always did well in school. I know I probably can't pass PCOS on to the next generation since the studies indicate that it runs through the paternal line (and that's true in my own family)... But the other stuff is all possible. Am I being irresponsible by allowing that genetic code to carry down to the next generation? I love Margaret with all of my heart, and then some... But I feel guilty that she is likely to have my health problems because I wanted a child so badly that I didn't consider the burdens I would be passing down to that child. It breaks my heart knowing that I'm the cause of these problems...

Trying New Things Out

In order to keep life interesting, I'm trying out new babywearing products. One of the most difficult is the wrap, which is essentially a long piece of fabric that you tie on in various ways. It's pretty neat because of it's versatility... But on the other hand, I feel like I have to be a contortionist to get it right. Especially since I'm working with 5 meters (approximately 5.5 yards) of fabric! Here's an attempt at a back carry, with the help of Brian since I couldn't do it myself:

Hopes Dashed

The wicked ole witch arrived last night, with no warning. Which of course, the no warning part had allowed my hopes to get pretty high. I know logically it wasn't likely, but I got so attached to the idea that emotions over-rode logic. I can't wait to get home from work today so I can snuggle with my baby girl.

Margaret still has a pretty bad cough. It's been a couple of months now, so she's going to the doctor this afternoon to get checked out. They did say she probably had bronchiolitis (aka RSV) back in November, but I would have figured it would be gone by now. Guess we'll find out.

Secretly Hoping

I must be crazy. In spite of the fact that my baby girl is only 6.5 months old, I caught the baby fever a couple of months ago and have been quite eager to start trying for child number 2. I don't know if it's that I miss the whole TTC craze, the roller coaster of emotions, having a purpose and a goal at the end, or just the fact that Margaret is growing way too fast and she just doesn't seem like a baby anymore. Brian nixed that idea pretty quickly, though, claiming that not only are we not financially ready (which he's right), he thinks it would be way too difficult to have two children so close in age. He ended up compromising and agreeing that we could start trying again in the Summer of 2006, but would prefer to wait longer.

I've been on Yasmin since my 6 week post-partum checkup. Well, sort of. My brain just isn't what it used to be, and I admit that I haven't been entirely great at remembering to take it. To be fair, I did tell Brian this before and asked him to take some responsibility for his fun and make sure that I remember to take the pills.

Well, the inevitable happened. I forgot to take a pill around cycle day 14. We "did the deed" before I noticed, too. But considering it was unlikely to result in anything, I didn't think much more of it right away.

Then the symptoms started. Nausea and hot flashes. Then the backaches. And finally, very light spotting on Sunday, which would have been prime time for implantation. The ole witch is due tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself and I tested yesterday with a Dollar Tree test. N E G A T I V E. Not even close to being a faint positive in disguise. I was crushed. Brian was relieved. Which made me even more sad. I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable arrival of Aunt Flo.

But the nausea and hot flashes plagued me again today. Against my better judgement, I tested again today. Another negative. Why do I keep torturing myself?

.......

The light at the end of the tunnel? Brian seems to realize how badly I want to try again. And he did say he was a bit sad that I'm not. In spite of the bad timing.

I'm going off my birth control pills once I finish this pack. It may be the hormones in them that are toying with me. And I suspect they are the reason why I can't seem to shed these last 15 pregnancy pounds. At least this will give my body a chance to prepare for when we really are trying. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky before then. ;)