Same Old, Same Old.

Feelings, that is. Over the weekend, I had a resurgance (or would that be re-emergence?) of what I was feeling before vacation. Brian's been away a lot again, and Maggie was extremely cranky, which seems to be the golden combination for making me feel like crap about myself and everything else. Brian and I did discuss it, but I don't know if anything will change. We do need to spend more time together though. Much of the little time we have together is spent on opposite sides of the living room, typing away on our notebook computers and not talking. Sure, Brian isn't a social guy and rarely has much to say...but this is no way for a couple to spend all their time together. Of course, the sacrifice is even more of my precious little internet time. But I lived without the internet for over half my life. I think I can spare a little of it for the sake of my marriage and a healthy relationship.

Margaret continues to amaze me. She's starting to dance a bit. She sings in the car (although who the heck knows what she's actually saying!). She's cruising. She takes her burp cloth and acts like she's cleaning (is this a sign that mommy isn't cleaning enough? ;) ). She's more independent, amusing herself for much of the day (as long as she's in a mood to do so, that is). She is exclusively drinking from Nuby sippy cups now - no more bottles! We're also venturing more into "real" food. She had her first taste of couscous yesterday. And freeze-dried bananas and mangoes last week. This results in more work for me. It's certainly easier to dish out a meal from a jar than to plan out and make "real" food for a pint-sized meal. But it's worth it. The goal is to be off of jar food by her first birthday, and with a little over 3 months to work on it, I don't think that's unrealistic.

Our plan was to start TTC again this summer. I have mixed feelings on this, though. Now that I've gotten past my baby fever of this past winter, I'm thinking more logically. Another baby means stretching our tight budget even tighter. It also means that we probably would not be able to send Margaret to a Montessori school, which is high on my list of priorities for her future. And if Margaret drives me crazy all by herself, how will I handle a toddler and an infant? Brian sometimes thinks I'm crazy to want 2 babies so close in age...but is also eager to start trying for a son and doesn't want our children to be too far apart in age either. It's a huge list of contradicting emotions and thoughts, and I'm really not sure what we will do once summer comes. I do want more children. I'm not sure if the time is right, though, now that I can look at it with a clear head. To further complicate the matter, however, is my medical condition, which is always at the back of my mind. The clock is ticking, and with PCOS, my fertile period may be much shorter than most. My endocrinologist also wants to put me on Lipitor within the next year to year and a half due to my family history of cholesterol issues (and the fact that mine rose significantly during my pregnancy with Margaret). I can't be on this drug if I'm TTC or pregnant, and I really should be done having my family once I go on it... So that's another consideration. (Sound familiar? I know I've listed all this off before... but it's on my mind again.) I have no idea what I should do. Do I even want to venture into the TTC world again, knowing that it's possible to miscarry again? Another thought...

Fortunately, Margaret is keeping me busy enough to not have to think about it too much right now. But I can't keep putting it off, and decisions will need to be made. Soon.