I Should Have Known Better

Yesterday was crib shopping day with Mom. She had actually picked out the crib she would buy us about a month and a half ago at Babies R Us (a $200 single-dropside crib with a lot of plastic parts). But when I showed it to Brian, he was not impressed. Neither was I when she said she would buy it, but I didn't want to "look a gift horse in the mouth", know what I mean? So I bit the bullet and mentioned to her that Brian didn't really like the crib she picked out and asked if she would go with me to look at the cribs at a local baby boutique since they're having a sale right now. She agreed to go with me Friday after she got out of work.

She arrived at my apartment reeking of smoke. We've discussed this many times now. My mom had quit smoking in 1989 but started again a couple years ago when she and my father were going through a rough spot in their marriage. When she was a non-smoker, she couldn't tolerate the stench of smoke in the least. Yet now that she smokes, and even though I've asked her many times not to smoke around me (even when not pregnant because I have allergies and asthma), she refuses to listen. No problem... It was only supposed to be a quick trip to the shop 5 minutes from my house. I climbed into her ashtray on wheels and we drove on over.

The whole time we were in the boutique, she loudly complained about the prices, and most certainly while within earshot of the saleslady. Having done my research for months now, I know pretty well what the range in prices is on cribs. We tried to pick out the best quality crib we could for the lowest price. Brian and I had gone there the night before and picked out the Baby's Dream Infinity crib, a stationary crib made of solid wood that converts to a toddler bed and then becomes the head- and footboards for a double bed. It was priced at $360, but that was still way too much money in her eyes (the woman who just spent $6000 on her bedroom set). She asked me if anywhere else carried this crib, like Baby Depot at Burlington Coat Factory (which I didn't even get into the horrible return policy at the Burlington Coat Factory). I did recall that there was one other store, USA Baby in Berlin. But I also had an appointment at 4:30PM to tour another daycare. Not wanting to lose an opportunity, I called the daycare and rescheduled to Monday at 5:00PM.

We stopped to put air in my mom's tire because it was low (or rather, I put air in her tire because she didn't know how... yes, pregnant me was squatting down in the puddle she parked in putting air in the tire). It was at this time that we discovered there was a rusty nail in her tire, the cause of the leaking air. So she decided we would go to the tire place she uses to get it patched, and then off we would go.

We get to the tire place and they tell her they can't repair her tire because the tires are bald, so she has to get new tires instead. New tires that she had picked out with my father recently: they cost $676. They claimed it would have been 45 minutes to patch the tire (Brian patches tires all the time and I know it doesn't take 45 minutes) but only an hour to change all her tires. It's now 2:45PM. We waste time waiting for it to get done, mom smoking a cigarette around me in spite of my protests. The truck isn't ready until 4:30PM.

Off we go again, but not until mom stops at the bank to do a deposit and then Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee. Now we're finally off to find USA Baby. I do the best I can getting her to the Berlin Turnpike (it's been a while). On the drive there, mom smokes once again in the car, telling me to just roll the window down and put my head out it. We get off the highway and turn left instead of right... Finally, we turn around and head in the right direction. It takes some scrutinizing of signs, but we find it. We walk up to the door...and it's locked. USA Baby closed at 6:00PM. It was now 6:10PM.

So mom decides we're not going to waste a trip and we go into Toys R Us to see what they have. I already know what we'll find there and sure enough, it was the cheapest of brands possible, and all of the display cribs were falling apart. So she decides we should go down the road more to see if we can find anything else. We stop at Bassett Furniture Direct, because I know Bassett makes cribs, but there were none to be found. While eating at Panera Bread, we see a sign across the street for a kids' bedroom store, so we head there next (mom smoking on her way to the car).

We go in the kids' furniture store and I'm in love. So much cute stuff and reasonably priced. They have all of 5 or 6 cribs, mostly Bonavitas (which are notorious for taking 5 months or so to come in when you order them). But there is one that's in stock and ready to go home for $300. Nope, mom complains once again about how there aren't any reasonably priced cribs. We walk out of there empty-handed and mom grouchy.

On the drive home, she gets a phone call from a friend. She complains to her friend about the over-priced cribs and what a waste it is because kids will just destroy it anyway. (I should mention that the crib we started off looking at has a 15 year warranty for 3 kids... sure, cribs will fall apart if you buy the cheap ones, but she can't seem to see past the price.) Basically, I felt like crap after that. Nothing like offering a gift to someone and then complaining the whole time about having to do it.

We get into town and mom has to pick my youngest brother up at my aunt's house. While waiting in front of the house for him to come out, she takes out her 4th cigarette of the afternoon. I asked her if she could just wait 15 minutes until she dropped me off and her response: "If you expect me to pay $400 on a crib for you, you'll sit there and deal with it."

I got home and cried in the shower, washing off the stench of the afternoon and wishing I could find a way to just say "No, thanks" to her "gift." My mom has a history of not giving anything freely. I should have known better. When I was 18, my parents bought me a car: a 1984 Chevy Chevette. They paid $900 for it and I was supposed to pay them back, but I only got it down to $700 that I owed them before I totalled it. I offered to pay them back a couple years ago when we sold our house, but my mom refused it. I should have known why: just at Easter, she was complaining about how she spent $700 on a car for me 10 years ago. I couldn't take it that time (because it wasn't the first) and reminded everyone that I offered to pay it back but she refused the money. Nothing given freely...

So will my child be forever indebted to my mother for this crib? It certainly seems like I will... And how is it right that I have to subject my health (and our baby's) to her smoking because I "expect" her do this for me? I wish I could find a way to just say, "No, thanks... I'll find another way." I wish I could find a way to say that about everything. And then pack up and move across the country where she'll never visit me again and never subject our child to her selfish ways.

I do have to say that yesterday supported my decision to not allow our child around her alone. Brian and I had discussed it long ago and decided that our child would not go to Grandma's house alone because of her smoking. She can't seem to manage to control herself around me when I protest it actively, so who's to say she wouldn't do the same around our baby when I'm not there?