Nothing To Do

There's nothing like a week off from work. Well, in this case, it's almost a week and a half. However, I get bored being shut in the house pretty quickly. I guess I'd make a horrible stay-at-home-mom. I can handle hanging around the house for a day or two but after that I start to go stir crazy. Being out and celebrating the holiday Friday evening through Sunday night helped alleviate this problem somewhat (I've been off work since 1PM on Thursday), but it's starting to wear on me. Yesterday I made Brian come up with an errand so I could get out of the house, and we ended up eating out. Today I tried to get him out again, but he wanted to relax, so I was stuck here all day. And now, he's at work at his part time job and he took my truck since his needs to be worked on, so I literally am stuck here for the night. I don't feel like cleaning, there's nothing good on TV to watch, and while knitting is interesting for the first half hour or so, I get bored with that pretty quickly, too. I have some books I can read, but I just don't feel like it. I guess I'm just stuck in a funk; nothing needs to be done, and yet, I just can't seem to entertain myself in all this free time. I should be grateful. Come June, I won't know what free time is anymore. My days will be filled with feedings, diaper changes, and laundry - lots of it. I won't be able to go anywhere without bringing half of the house with me and I can forget about just going to the mall or whatever to browse. It won't be worth the hassle (and we'll probably be broke). Yet, I'm still restless and unmotivated at the same time. 6 more days until I return to work. I don't really want to go back, but at least it's something to do outside of the house...

Oh yes, and people are starting to predict the gender of this baby. For some reason, my FIL thinks it will be a girl - which explains why he gave the baby a toy Hummer for Christmas. :) I don't know if he *really* thinks that will be the case, or he just figures that's what's likely to happen because he gave a "boy" gift. But he's said it to people other than us, so I guess that's what he's really thinking. My father and my sister think the baby will be a boy, but my mother keeps saying she's thinking girl. Some of that stems from the fact that she likes to tease Brian since he has this plan that involves the first-born being a boy. I'm not exactly a seasoned veteran at this, but I was so sure with Arabella from the start that I was having a girl. I don't know why, it just felt that way. This time, I don't have any strong feelings, it's just entirely different. I guess that's why I'm thinking we're having a boy (which really explains why I'm buying dresses, huh? :) ). Regardless, we'll have to wait another 6 months to find out. Oh yeah, and my husband's family is having a lot of fun telling me how late *ALL* of their children were. Brian and his sisters were about a week late (all but one requiring my MIL to be induced), and his aunts were telling me of their children who were a month late!!! Yowsers!!! Fortunately, my siblings and I were within days of our due dates, so I hope I have the same in my future for this little one. I imagine once I get near the end, I'll want to be done with being pregnant ASAP!

Resolutions

I spoke with our attorney on Thursday in regards to the landlord issue. After reviewing our apartment lease and the situation, his interpretation of the situation was the same as mine; we cannot be forced to share space in the garage with the 2nd floor tenant because our lease guarantees us full usage of the garage, which implies exclusive usage, even if it does not explicitly say so. He laid out what steps to take if the landlord doesn't back down, so at least we know what to expect. Regardless, it's become abundantly clear that we have worn out our welcome here. Even our attorney said it seems like he's trying to appease the 2nd floor tenants because they are more likely to be long-term tenants than we are. So it's back to the classifieds to see if we can find anything. My father also claims he knows of a rental in a condo development that's nearby, which would be ideal. And my family has offered their help in moving knowing that I can't be moving the boxes myself. I guess there aren't really any excuses left; it's time to move on. And good riddance to our illogical and ridiculous landlord!!

Christmas was nice. Actually, the celebration isn't quite over. It started Friday night at my parents' house and will continue through tonight at my husband's family's gathering. Nothing like celebrating for 3 days straight! :) It's so weird to think that this is the last year we'll be just the two of us for Christmas, that we'll have all this fexibility. Next year we'll have a 6 month old infant to include, which will definitely change the way we celebrate (like no more opening all of our gifts to each other early :) ) as well as what we do with our families. We'll have our child's schedule to work around, instead of just doing what we want when we feel like it. But it will all be worth it, and it will be wonderful. I just know it!

Fear and Other Nonsense

I haven't been online much lately. My old foe, Spot, visited on Monday. It was a quite unwelcome visit. It wasn't much, but it was still there. I almost didn't do anything...after all, it stopped in the late afternoon, what more could I do? Until I decided to research online what spotting at this point could mean. Incompetant Cervix. What a horrible name for a condition over which a woman has no control. I didn't know if I had it, but I figured I'd better get it checked out in case I needed a cerclage. Something could be done in this case to prevent the worst from happening, if that was the cause of the spotting. So I got on the phone with my doctor's office, explained what happened, and they called me in to check everything out. The roads were slick and snowy, but I didn't care - my baby's well-being was at stake! I saw my doctor and she said she totally understood my fears; she knew them well enough herself. But everything checked out fine. I wasn't spotting anymore, my cervix was good and closed, and Peep's heart was beating away, strong and regular. She said everything looked and sounded great and I should be fine, but to not hesitate to call should something happened again. She didn't want me sitting home, crying and all upset. She told me they would make the decision if it was something that needed to be checked out, and even if they didn't think so but I felt something was *really* wrong, all I needed to do was tell them and they'd get me in. Comforting words, even if they are only words. So it seems Peep is, once again, safe... the spotting has stopped and fear is subsiding. I'm back to listening to the heartbeat every day with the doppler now, but a little reassurance goes a long way.

In other news, for some reason on Monday (before the spotting incident) when I got home at lunch time, I had a horrible feeling that the message on the answering machine was our landlord asking us when we were going to finally move. I should explain that we used to own the 3 family house in which we reside and sold it about a year ago. We've been renting from the new owner ever since on a month-to-month basis, with the intention of moving eventually, but it hasn't come to fruition yet. The message on Monday was not him, but Tuesday when I saw that light flashing again, my stomach dropped. This time it was him, telling us we needed to make room in the garage for the 2nd floor tenant's quad. Not a question, didn't even leave a number to get back to him at (he lives on the other side of the state). I should mention that our rental agreement entitles us to full usage of the garage, of which my husband has taken advantage - there isn't even room to walk around in there! On top of that, we have the garage locked because Brian's tools and some other costly equipment are in there; I do not relish the idea of sharing that space with a person I don't even know. On top of that, if they're still under the same rental agreement I wrote when they rented the 2nd floor apartment only a month before the house sold, they're not even supposed to have a quad - it's forbidden by the lease, as is parking on the lawn (which they do), and additional tenants (which there is now). GRRRRRRR!!! I don't understand why every time they call him and say jump, he says how high. We pay early every month and we never bother him with anything. Meanwhile, he's been here for the 2nd floor several times over the last year, fixing God knows what and having to call in an exterminator over the summer because she insisted she found carpenter ants in her cereal. I'll let you digest that. Carpenter ants don't eat cereal; they eat wood. All that fuss for some stupid sugar ants. In any case, now Brian has to meet with the landlord next week to prove there's no room in the garage. This while he's in the progress of bringing the rest of his stuff home from a garage he was renting because we decided it was stupid to pay for a garage elsewhere when we have one here. So while the garage isn't busting at the seams, it will be when the rest of that stuff gets here before January 15th. GRRRRRR! I don't even feel we have to justify ourselves. We pay more rent because we have the use of the garage, and you can't change the terms of a rental agreement at a moment's notice - it's illegal. I know because when I was a landlord, I read all the Landlord-Tenant Laws. Yet, if we stand up for our rights, we could end up homeless. There are no rentals right now, and we're not ready to buy again, so is it worth it in the end? I didn't sleep last night, and Brian is entirely distracted by this mess. Again, I don't understand why a logical person would mess around with the tenants who have paid early and fully every month and never complain to appease those who constantly break the rules. A vacancy is quite difficult to fill in the middle of winter - we've been through that - but he risks us deciding we would leave, too, by doing this. All to accomodate a forbidden item anyway. GRRRRR!!!! Looks like we may be moving in with my MIL! Merry Christmas!

I Really Am Crazy

I planned on being so good today. With all the extra time I had, I intended to do some cleaning around the house, return some items I ordered online that I didn't like, and pick up some more Christmas gifts. No more shopping for me or the baby. I had good intentions...

There's a new shopping plaza under construction a couple towns away. I had to go there to return items at Old Navy and decided to browse around what other shops were there. This is located in an affluent area, so most of the shops held no interest for me, but there was one called Gymboree that sounded interesting. So I checked it out. Tons of adorable stuff, and, as the sales lady was quick to tell me when I entered, everything in the store was 25% off the lowest price on the tag. In this myriad of clothing choices there was one thing lacking - no unisex clothing. I looked around, oohing and ahhing over all the cute stuff, promising to return once the baby comes. Except there was one problem. These adorable holiday dresses that were originally $52, marked down to $19.99. Another 25% off would mean only $15 for a $52 dress! How could I resist? My mom taught me to shop for bargains, and I can't pass up deals like that, regardless of the fact that I have no idea whether we're having a he or a she and this child won't be born until June.

The funny thing is, the dresses were right by the checkout and I was the only one in the store, so the sales lady asked me if I needed any help and for some reason, I felt the need to confess. I really didn't belong there; I was being totally ridiculous. I'm 6 months from my due date with no inclination of whether we're having a boy or girl and I won't know until June. She smiled in a knowing way, admitting that she has 4 children herself and understood. We chatted a bit and found we had some similarities; namely that I am one of 4 children who are all spaced 4 years apart from each other, she is, too, as well as her children. And there were 2 of each gender with she and her siblings, as well as her children (me too!). She kept reassuring me that they have a wonderful return policy there if I end up having a boy (like I would part with it!), but also said she did the same thing and just kept the opposite gender stuff and ended up using it with her other kids. :) This woman thinks like I do!! So yes, I snuck home this holiday dress, in spite of Brian chanting in my head "He'll look funny in a dress" (which is his standard response anytime we're browsing in a store and I end up fawning over the dresses). Oh well, yeah, he will, but maybe he's a she. ;)


(BTW, the color is a much richer red...it got a bit washed out from the flash. But it was just too beautiful to pass up at that price!!)

Second Trimester...

I can't believe I'm already there. 13 weeks 0 days today - the 2nd trimester. 1/3 of the way to the goal. Unbelievable. Brian doesn't seem fazed by this milestone, but it means a lot to me. Maybe I'm not defective after all! ;)

So how will I celebrate? By spending 9 hours at work today...ugh! I guess it could be worse, though. And at least I only have to work 1 hour tomorrow, so another long weekend is in store for me. Of course, I'll spend it in a cookie-making frenzy, but at least I won't be at work.

Woohoo!

Great news today! I decided to check Brian's employee handbook for Ski Sundown on a whim to see if they had an operating schedule in there, and what it contained made my day! Christmas Eve they are open 9AM-5PM (so they'll be closed before he would normally start) and Christmas Day they are open 6PM-10PM (after his shift would normally end). :) :) :) I am all smiles now! :) :) :) Looks like I'll get to share Christmas with him after all!

In other news, I shared my news at work today. One of my co-workers guessed this afternoon that I was pregnant so I decided it was time to tell them all. At 5 minutes before close I told them and was rewarded with the exact phrase I was expecting from my boss: "I told you you'd get pregnant again right away!" Thankfully, I had enough other people offering congratulations without strings attached to help detract from it. But it still hurt that she could be so insensitive without realizing it, especially since she has had a miscarriage herself. At least it's done and over with. Now I don't have to dread telling anymore because it's out in the open and over with. On to bliss again. :)

Stuff

Since Kether asked, this is what I bought while on vacation. I couldn't get really good photos of the onesies, though, so I'm only posting one of them...with the flash on, they got washed out; without it on, they were really grainy. The other one was a yellow kimono style onesie with a cute bunny graphic on it.



Below is the set that set me back some bucks...But it's so adorable! I hope it will fit the baby next winter...I did my best on guessing the size then.



Below is the moose pull-behind toy I couldn't resist either! :)



They even had a boutique there that specialized in skiing and outdoor clothing for infants and children! How cute!! But now it's back to reality...

Brian did get the call from Ski Sundown (his winter part-time job) while we were away...they want him to work Friday nights, Saturdays from 8:30-5, and Tuesday nights. Guess that means I won't be seeing him Christmas Eve or Christmas this year. I'm pretty peeved about that. We usually do Christmas Eve night with my parents, and Christmas morning with his family, then the afternoon with my extended family. All he had to do was say he wasn't available on Christmas; I wouldn't begrudge him working Christmas Eve if I could have Christmas Day with him. Instead I'll have to do it all by myself... Can I just forget about Christmas this year? :(

Vacations Are Too Short

Well, yesterday I hung out in the room for a couple of hours after dropping DH off at the slopes, and then ate my way through Vermont. I started at a cider mill, progressed to the Cabot Annex Store (can't get enough of that cheese, and all the free samples!) and attached Lake Champlain Chocolates, and then to Ben & Jerry's. Did some shopping in Waitsfield and Stowe, including for the baby. I found this adorable boutique in Stowe called Puddle Jumpers and I couldn't resist. To be fair, 2 of the things I bought were on sale, but the last one was a doozy and more than I would normally spend. The girl who waited on me was quite visibly pregnant and asked if I needed anything gift-wrapped. So we ended up getting into a discussion about how I'm planning *really* far in advance, but she seemed to understand. After that, I picked up DH and we ate at Gracie's, a local hangout/restaurant that was centered around a dog theme. It was cute and the food was great (and more reasonably priced than anything else locally!).

As we were relaxing back at the hotel with our bellies full, we discovered Becky picked up some souvenirs from the trip - fleas! UGH!! I had just talked to the vet a week ago about flea/tick preventatives and pregnancy. He thought it would be fine to discontinue the use of it for the winter to reduce my exposure, but that didn't last long. We only found 2 on her, but it only takes 2 to leave eggs behind, so we stopped at Petco on the way home today to get the usual stuff and DH put it on her for me. I'm not touching her for at least 12 hours. Hopefully that will be enough... Lesson learned; don't stay in a hotel catering to dogs unless your dog has flea stuff on. I have to say that I was entirely grossed out once I found them last night, but what do you expect in a hotel full of dogs? I imagine there would be fleas from time to time, unfortunately... But YUCK!

So now I'm home again. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed (especially since I know there are no vermin in it!), but I miss being on vacation. Having someone make the bed for me and clean the bathroom, being able to eat out and not care what I'm eating, and to spend $$$ of course. But it's time to return to the real world, laundry, dishes, and all.

Checking In From Vermont

I love it up here!! Do I really have to go back on Monday? It took a little over 4 hours to get here yesterday, but it was worth it. Unfortunately, there hasn't been much snow yet, but they're expecting some tonight, tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday, and so on and so forth. My kind of weather!

Last night Brian had to go to a meeting for the ski clinic, so I was on my own with Becky (our cocker spaniel) for a few hours. Staying in Two Dog Lodge, a hotel that caters to dog owners, is interesting...one dog barks, and then they all reply. Just as I would doze off (as I was exhausted-I was in my pjs by 4:30PM!), it would start all over again, oftentimes with my dog starting it. Thank goodness they all settled down eventually so I could get some sleep. But not much since Brian and I had to get up early to get him to the clinic on time. I had to drop him off by 8AM; fortunately, we are only 2 miles from the base. The only problem is I discovered at 1:30PM that he forgot his ski boots in the truck!!!! I don't think he will be a very happy person when I see him again at 5PM. (Cell phones don't work up here, so there was no way for him to contact me...)

So while he was skiing (I hope!), I ventured off to St. Johnsbury in search of the Dog Chapel. I'm terrible at reading maps. I can pick out a route to get to my destination, but I have no idea how long it will take. This one took nearly 2 hours, including my quick stop at a well-placed (and the only one I've seen in VT) McDonald's for a pee break. The artist who built the place, Stephen Huneck, also has a gallery there. I was aware that the gallery would be closed and wasn't all that concerned...his artwork is phenomenally expensive for me. But I thought the chapel would be open. It was not. So Becky and I, after driving almost 2 hours just to see this place, had to do our best to see what we could from the outside. There was a doggie door that was not locked, so I peeked at the inside through there and took one photo. :) Hey, I came all that way to see it...I better see something! There are supposed to be beautiful stained glass windows; I could see them from the outside, but it wasn't the same. Guess I'll have to go back in the summer. Photos below...







After that, once again, I had to pee so badly. Fast food places are not exactly abundant and I'm still not so desperate as to attempt gas station bathrooms, but I also knew it would be nearly an hour and a half back to that McDonald's. I remembered that on the way I came, there was a sign for the Cabot Creamery, another place I wanted to check out. As fortune would have it, heading the 6 miles off my path to get there was worth it; I was rewarded with one of the cleanest public restrooms I have ever used. And some tasty cheese, of course!

We went back to Stowe after that, arriving back in town at about 12:30/1PM. I stopped in some of the shops, but didn't really find much to catch my eye. Everything is so expensive. They had a beautiful shop of baby clothes but again, too expensive. So Becky and I walked a bit on the Recreational Path (a paved 5.5 mile path in town). It was slippery with the inch or so of slush on the path, and I found that I'm tiring easily these days. We walked maybe a total of one mile before heading back to the hotel. Becky did some laps around the dog play yard, and then we headed back to our room to rest. I wanted to sleep, but all I can think of is how upset Brian will be about the boots...there's nothing like going to a ski clinic to work on your technique (that cost big bucks) to end up in rental boots that you're not used to. Oh well, that's the way it goes sometimes...

Tomorrow I'll go south toward Ben & Jerry's (yum!) and Warren/Waitsfield. We stayed in that area back in March on a ski trip. It was a nice area that wasn't touristy at all...a place I could see myself living someday. Someday...

12 Down, 28 To Go...

12 weeks. Do my eyes deceive me? I can't believe it's been that long already! It seems like just yesterday I got my BFP, but here I am, on the cusp of the 2nd trimester already. A day I wasn't sure I would ever reach, but yet here I am, and pretty much effortlessly this time.

I dreamt last night that I started spotting, bright pink. I woke up terrified. I haven't had any spotting during this pregnancy (other than a very short and very, very light episode back around Halloween), but with Arabella, I spotted frequently. Hence why my mind equates spotting with failure, loss, the end. I'm glad I didn't wake up to any spotting, but the dream still upsets me...

We leave tomorrow morning for Stowe, Vermont. When my husband originally made plans for this vacation, we weren't sure if I would be joining him on the slopes or not. Now we know I'll be spending the vacation resting in our room, knitting or online (in-room internet access!) or checking out the local sights. I keep teasing him that Becky (our cocker spaniel) and I will just spend all day at Ben & Jerry's eating ice cream. :) It will be nice to get away. And when we get back on Monday night, I'll be that much closer to the 2nd phase of pregnancy. Really unknown territory...

I Couldn't Resist!

Several weeks ago when Kether posted the picture of the Zonk stuffed monster she got for Liam, I fell in love with him. I had searched the internet several times to no avail...well, there were a couple sites that offered him, but I don't usually buy from companies I don't normally deal with. Anyway, on an off chance I might find it, I decided to search eBay yesterday. Imagine my surprise when I discovered there were *several* versions of Zonk! So as not to be copy-cat :) I decided to bid on one that wasn't exactly the same, but just as cute. So this is what I got:



Isn't it adorable??? Thanks, Kether, for bringing to my attention such a cute stuffed animal! I know our babies will love them!

All Things Normal

My OB appointment today was normal. Come in, pee in a cup, get the blood pressure taken and weighed. No protein in the pee, weight was the same as last time (total gain of 3 lbs then), and my blood pressure was lower than it has been before in office - 126/72. She checked my blood pressure log and decided I don't need to monitor my blood pressure anymore - even the times it has peaked at home, it's still been below the point where we'd have to be concerned. She was surprised that I've been hearing the heartbeat for 2 weeks now and thought out loud that maybe I was just hearing my pulse doubling. But sure enough, when she pulled out the doppler, there was Peep's heart beating away just like I've heard it and in the same spot, too. Of course, she tells me afterwards that had she not heard it (which she wasn't expecting to-she didn't even hear her baby's heartbeat as early as I did!), she would have brought me in for an ultrasound. Why couldn't Peep have been shy this time? It would have been nice to get a peek in there at this stage! Then she asked me if I took fertility drugs to get pregnant. She wondered if maybe there was more than one baby in there (I don't know if she came to this conclusion because I told her I heard the heartbeat to the right at first and now it's in the middle, or if she thought she heard 2 in there, or what). To be honest, when I looked at the spot where the heart was beating on my 1st ultrasound, it actually looked like there were 2 bright spots there (hence why I say it looks like s/he was mooning me). But she said I'm measuring where I should be, so she didn't order the u/s to check for multiples either. Twins do run in my family, but since my symptoms haven't been especially bad, I doubt there are two in there. It was just weird how she brought that up today out of the blue like that.

She probably won't be there at my next appointment. She is due in about a month, but she's only taking 6 weeks of maternity leave so she said she'll be back for most of the rest of my pregnancy. Next time I get to see one of the younger doctors. I swear he can't be much older than Brian and I! Should be interesting...it's also been a while since I've seen a male doctor for female issues, but since he probably won't have to look at any of those female issues while I'm there, it shouldn't be too bad. I knew when I got into this that I'd have to rotate, I just really like the doctor I've been seeing lately. :)

Otherwise, the nausea is still there... The doctor offered to give me meds for it, but I declined. It's not intolerable and to be honest, even though I have some cures that work most of the time, I usually don't use them. It's reassuring to feel this way even if it's not comfortable for me. At least I can feel miserable openly around my family now, even if I can't at work. They all know. My grandma was thrilled, especially with the card and ultrasound photos I gave her. She loves getting pictures of all of the grandkids, so I figured I'd give her some. :) I still plan on holding out until after Christmas to tell my boss, though.

Holidays...

This time of year is just too crazy! It doesn't help that I have about 25 cousins who have about 10 children between them...there are birthday parties every month, and this one is no exception. I just found out Friday afternoon that my cousin's son Elijah's 1st birthday party was Saturday night. His birthday is actually around the 23rd, but they didn't want it to get overshadowed by Christmas. This is on top of my cousin Hannah's birthday party today (I think she's 11 or 12 now?) that I already knew about. So off we went to the outlets Friday night to find a gift for Elijah (Hannah was already set). This is the last year, I'm afraid, that I'll be buying for all of these kids. There is no way I can shell out this kind of money and expect to raise a kid on our income.

Yesterday afternoon we went shopping with my MIL. She told my husband that she would get him shoes for his birthday (something she does just about every year) and he has to go shopping with her to pick them out (because he's so darn picky - it's worse than shopping with a woman!!). Anyway, his birthday was back on June 10th but he never remembered to call, so we were taking care of it before Christmas. While we were in the area, we stopped at Babies 'R Us to add that crib to the registry. Of course, I had never told MIL about the registry - I just didn't want her to think I was being greedy since it's so early on. It's really just a planning device right now. Anyway, she had never been in a Babies 'R Us before and seemed to enjoy our trip through there. And then I got scolded (in a nice way) for buying the stroller already - she said I'm supposed to let people buy stuff like that for me. Ha! :) What she doesn't know is that I bought the stroller during a mini-mental breakdown in August when I wasn't even pregnant, but at least I had a good reason. We already had the infant seat from the first time I was pregnant (to see if it would fit in the car I had at the time - it didn't) and I wanted to make sure to get the matching stroller before they discontinued the pattern since the two could be used together as a travel system. At least she understood that. :)

Last night the news was officially released on my mother's side of the family at Elijah's party. I haven't seen any of them since a couple days after I got my BFP. They all knew (well, except for one cousin) but now we're officially talking about it. My cousin who is due 2 days before I am was just too excited when she found out about that and told her mom, so that's how the news spread...but that's okay. Easier than having to do it myself! Today at my cousin Hannah's party, I have a feeling the news will be out officially on my father's side of the family as well. It's weird telling people...I've been keeping it a secret for so long. It somehow seems like I'm jinxing it by talking openly about it, but since that little heart keeps thumping along and nothing has happened to make me doubt the fact that we will in fact have a baby in June, I guess there's no need to be nervous.

Time? What's that?!

Have you ever noticed how, if you're not particular anxious for anything, time can march on without you realizing it? Or maybe it's just me? It's sort of a weird Zen thing that I discovered earlier in the year (since I can't stand my job - it's so repetitive and boring, and my boss is not a nice person). If I just focus on the task at hand and live in the now, the now passes by quickly. One moment, it was Monday and I was dreading the work week (the problem with long weekends, I'm afraid). But once I settled into my routine on Tuesday, it was Friday morning before I knew it. Time really is relative.

Okay, that's my thoughtful post for they day. :) But time really has been swimming by. I decided not to hype myself up with milestones in this pregnancy, so I'm not putting too much stock in any one date. That was almost my undoing last time. So while I'm looking forward to 2 weeks from now (well, 1 week 6 days) because that will be the start of the 2nd trimester, I didn't even start focusing on it until recently. I'm more grateful for the here and now, that I've had as long as I've had with our baby. I still sneak out that doppler every other day to check up on him/her, but I don't spend very long listening. Just long enough to get a sound clip for the website, and that's it. My new goal is to go to every 3rd day, eventually weaning myself off of it entirely. I honestly don't think I'll have a hard time with this.

In pregnancy symptom news, the nausea is subsiding (although it did hit at 4AM when I got up to pee), but I'm tired all the time again. Ugh! I've also started having cramping that lasts for a very short time right above my pelvic bone - must be the uterus stretching again. I can definitely feel it above the bone now, and that's where I've been finding Peep's heartbeat, too. In fact, I've grown a little bit in spite of my very small weight gain (only 1.5lbs)...I'm in my demi panels now. Lastly, even though I've been FREEZING all along since I got pregnant, yesterday I started having hot flashes. They were NOT pleasant. Most of the time, the nausea came on strong with them, but they lasted only 5-10 minutes each, 15 minutes tops. I guess my hormones must be fluctuating big time right now.

Brian is irritated, I think, that I'm not giving him any ideas for Christmas this year. Every time he asks, I say I need stuff for the baby or gift certificates for maternity clothes. But it's true - I don't *need* anything else. We have enough clutter here, why add to it? That was the same "list" that I gave my Mom for Christmas (although I couldn't bring myself to ask for that from my MIL...I don't know why, but it felt greedy to do that). So then I told him I'd like a spa certificate that I can use for a pedicure later when I can't reach my feet, or a pre-labor waxing since it will be June and I'm sure I won't be able to shave at that point. :) I've been trying to get away from material gifts lately anyway. In the end, it's the experiences in life that are most important, so I've been trying to offer experiences to my family instead of "stuff." They all think I'm weird, I'm sure, but at least I get it.

Nausea, Nausea Every Day

Ugh! I can't believe that, after going away for almost a week, it's back and worse than ever before! I can't get comfortable anywhere, and nothing works to get rid of it. Yes, it's a sign that baby's healthy, but can't he just start kicking me or something instead? I have no desire to eat whatsoever, and actually *LOST* weight over Thanksgiving! I was down to less than my pre-pregnancy weight!

In other news, Brian and I browsed through Babies 'R Us again last night. It makes me feel so much better to plan ahead, like there really will be a bundle of joy to take home. The mission for the evening: to pick out the crib. I, as I have said before, am the ultimate planner. I made the registry up only a week or two after finding out I was pregnant. It was my way to organize in one place all the things we would need for the baby. It wasn't meant to be greedy - in fact, only my sister and mother know about it so far. It was just another way to list off the essentials (and, let's face it, some not so essential but fun stuff, too!). So Brian and I checked out the cribs again. He narrowed it down to the ones he liked best and let me decide from there. I figured it would be easier to just add it to the registry when I got home but it isn't available online. Another version is on the website (but not available for order), so I'll have to go back to the store to get it on the registry. In the meantime, the picture below is the crib, but we want it in a natural finish. It was one of the sturdiest cribs I could find, and although it doesn't have a dropside, the side wasn't too high up for me to reach in.

Jardine Madison Crib

We also started looking at houses and condos. Well, browsing at listings, really. We're not committing to actively looking yet. I'm not sure how our budget can handle a house payment at this time with a baby on the way. But it doesn't hurt to look. Unfortunately, the market is just way too high right now. Starter homes have gone through the roof and the only things left that are affordable are fixer-uppers and small condos. I don't think we'll be rushing into buying anytime soon.

Today is my mother-in-law's annual Open House party. She asked me on Thanksgiving if we would start telling people. I guess she had printed out the ultrasound page from my family website and had it up in her den. She offered to take it down if we wanted to keep it a secret, but I think it's time. Maybe she and my mom will take the reigns and tell everyone for me. Then the word is out without me having to do it myself. Seems like an easy solution to my dilemma. :)

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Happy Thanksgiving! One of my favorite holidays....food, food, food, family, and no commercialisim (i.e. spend all this money on your friends and family and it's supposed to show them you care). This year I have much to be thankful for.

• Of course, for the little Peep growing inside of me. It's 10 weeks today (well...sort of. Did I ever tell you how I'm going by the date of conception instead of my LMP? It's a psychological thing, but it makes me feel better, and since due dates tend to change anyway, I didn't think there was much harm in it.). Double digits. New territory. I am so grateful for every day I get with this little one, and hope with each passing day that it brings me closer to meeting him/her.


• I'm also thankful for all my sistas. Women I didn't even know a year ago who have helped me get so far in the short time I've known them. Women who have helped me in my times of need, and I hope I have helped them in some small way as well. Women who, although we've never met, have become best friends to me. Thank you for all you have done!


• I am thankful I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and money to pay my bills. So many are losing their jobs, and with the costs of food, heat, and housing going through the roof, I truly am very fortunate to have enough to live on.


• I am thankful I have a husband to love and love me back. That I have my family to support me. And that I am not alone in this world.


• It's sad that I had to edit to add this, but I almost forgot... I am thankful for Arabella. I didn't have much time with her, but I learned so much from that experience. That was her purpose, I believe - to open my eyes to so much.

There are many other things to be thankful about, but I don't want to go on and on. These are the biggies, the ones that are on my mind the most today. So as I sit down to feast this afternoon (if Peep will allow my nausea to subside), I will be thinking of all of you and how you have enriched my life. Thank you. Best wishes!

To Tell Or Not To Tell?

That is the question. I made a few promises to myself. One was that after I got past the crucial weekend, I would be more relaxed. I actually ended up being a little more relaxed than expected before that weekend came. The other dilemma is when to share our news with the rest of our families.

Initially, I wanted to wait until Christmas. I thought it would be so sweet to share that during the holidays, like a Christmas present for the family. In addition, since I would be at 14 weeks at Christmas, I would be firmly into the 2nd trimester. But since our parents have known about this since the beginning, it goes without saying that the word has most definitely spread in spite of the warning that it was to be kept quiet. Then I said after Thanksgiving. 10 weeks seemed a safe point to me; almost at the end of the 1st trimester and past the point I lost Arabella. But you see, I’ve also been avoiding our families in the meantime so I can avoid the subject. I hate lying, and I’m terrible at it. The thing is, now we’re hearing from people asking how we’re doing and what’s new, and it almost seems like there’s no point in keeping quiet about this any longer. I got past 9w4d. The heart is beating away. How much longer do I have to wait? How much longer do I have to avoid the inquiries from our well-meaning family members to keep from accidentally saying something I shouldn’t? Can’t I just let the cat out of the bag?

But it’s not that simple... It’s one thing to say you’ll share the info at a set point in time. It’s another to bring yourself to do it. In spite of my positive feelings about this pregnancy, and how well it has gone, I’m still reluctant to divulge the information. I want to, I really do - but I can’t bring myself to do it! I guess in the end, that’s the true measure of how I feel about the situation. As optimistic as I am, I’m still being cautious.

Of course, my mother-in-law will be having her annual Open House party this Sunday, and I’m sure the topic will be brought up. If I’m directly confronted with it, there’s no way to hide it. But I can’t seem to get myself to volunteer the information. Not yet.

The Most Wonderful Sound in The World

Thump thump thump. A noise we take for granted. A sweet, sweet noise, nonetheless.

As many of you know, today was the last day in my critical weekend hurdle to get over. It was at 9w4d that I learned Arabella's heart had stopped beating. As a last minute decision last Thursday, I decided to rent a doppler after all in case I could hear the baby's heart. My OB wasn't exactly in favor of it, but I promised to not fall apart if I didn't hear anything. Especially now - it's still pretty early. Nonetheless, when the package arrived at work today, I immediately put aside a portion of my lunch break to play with the new toy. I swore I heard that heart fluttering away for a brief moment on my lunch break, but I was running out of time and still hadn't eaten, so I had to give up and get moving. After work, the first thing I did was slather that ultrasound gel on the probe and start looking. I followed the advice of the girls on FF's June Expecting board - look low, go slow, and use a little pressure. A rolled up towel under the hips also works wonders. This last bit of advice is mainly for those with tipped uteruses (or would that be uteri?) (I don't know if I have one), but I tried it anyway. It couldn't hurt!

After about 10 minutes of trying, and listening to my own pulse, and what I think was the placenta (sounds like wind in the trees), I got it. Then I lost it. Then I spent another 5 minutes trying to find it again. And I did. Persistance paid off. I recorded what I heard and went back to the kitchen to listen to the reference CD. It sounded like what the CD had as an example for a 10 week old fetus, so I was on the right track. I recorded it to the computer and counted away...the recording isn't perfect, but I counted about 160 beats per minute. Yup, that's not my pulse I heard!! :) Pure Heaven in a recording! I wasn't particularly worried today that I had lost this little one, but this tiny bit of reassurance was worth that rental fee. :)

Now all I have to do is figure out where I can host the file so I can share it with you!

Clean Clean Clean!

I don't know how I finally found the energy yesterday, but I finally tackled *some* of what I've been meaning to do for a couple weeks now. Yay! I vacuumed the whole apartment (sad that I'm proud of that, but it's been longer than I'd like to remember), packed up my ski and hiking equipment in rubbermaid totes and put that in the basement, reorganized my husband's closet that doubles as the sports equipment storage area (he has the big closet so he has to share it with the skis and such), cleared the kitchen table of my husband's clutter (yay! I can see the table again!), and moved the file cabinet to the kitchen. I'm terrible about filing paperwork and usually let it pile up for a couple months before I finally put it away - the paperwork to be shredded is even worse. For a while now I've been thinking about moving the file cabinet and shredder to the kitchen, figuring that if the paperwork has a shorter journey to its final destination, it may end up there sooner rather than later. Plus, I have to make room in the junk room. :)

A week or so ago, I had the revelation that our apartment is too small to work out once the baby comes. It really is very small and we probably shouldn't make it work, but it can be done - at least, on a very temporary basis. I had forgotten about my original plan of putting my husband's dresser in the front room (aka junk room), where his closet is anyway, to make room for the bassinet and later, the crib. The baby would have to share our room as long as we live here, but that should be okay for the first 6-12 months anyway. We can't go crazy with baby furniture, that's all... No fancy changing tables since we don't really have a lot of room for one, no armoires, or glider chairs. But we can make this work. For a little while. - Can you tell I hate moving? :) I just hate getting out of a situation I know to get into one I don't know. You don't know how the landlord will be, or the neighbors...at least I know all that here.

Today I was hoping to get some of the baking for Thanksgiving done, but I don't know... I may have run out of steam. At least the nausea hasn't been bothering me quite as much this weekend. Don't get me wrong - it's still there. But it hasn't been as debilitating. Only a few more weeks until the 2nd trimester, when the nausea should subside anyway! Just in time for Christmas!! :)

Living in A Maternity World

Believe it or not, that title came to me at about 3:45 this AM. Sleep isn't something that I'm coming by easily at night, although I am so tired. Here's what's going on in my life:

• I am tired all the time. I have so much I want and need to do, but I can't seem to get myself going to do any of it. It's not so much that I sleep, because for some reason I'm not doing too well with that...I just lie down a lot. I feel so lazy.


• Nothing is appetizing. This was a small problem early on. It's becoming a bigger one. Sometimes I'll go most of the day feeling well, just not feeling like eating. Then the nausea strikes and I know eating something may help with it, but there's absolutely nothing I want to eat.


• Hand in hand with that is the nausea itself. At first, it was a sort of mild existence all day long. Now, I can go for half or more of the day feeling fine, and then all of the sudden, it hits. I'm not praying to the porcelain god, but I feel gosh darn awful. It seems to be the worst in the evening lately, the time when I normally catch up on blogs and email. Instead, I lie down on the couch, thankful for signs the baby is okay but feeling miserable at the same time.


• Maternity pants are a god-send! Yes, I'm only 9 weeks. But remember my post not too long ago about my lack of regular pants? I have found that demi-panel maternity pants, and especially side elastic ones, can be supplemented in the meantime. They have room to grow, but fit well enough that I can wear them now, too. Great transition pieces and very comfortable.

The list of worries is still there. This is my fateful weekend. If I can get past Monday, a huge hurdle will be behind us. I know I keep saying I'm not worried, and really, I don't think about losing the baby. It's just the timeline thing. It's on my mind, even if I'm not exactly expecting it to happen again. I just can't ignore it. To ease my mind, I decided to rent one of those fetal dopplers. It will arrive on Monday, just in time. It may still be too early to hear anything, but if I can pick up that precious little heartbeat, it will make it so much easier to wait it out until my next prenatal appointment on December 6th. Plus, my mother in law always has a family party the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I have a feeling the topic will be brought up, and I would like to know that everything is okay this time before really discussing it. Last time, I told everyone at my father's 50th birthday party on Saturday, only to find out on Monday that Arabella probably died that day.

A new worry...and I can thank TV for this. Did you know 1 in 2000 babies are born intersexual/hermaphrodites? I didn't, until TLC's programming this afternoon. I truly do feel I will be happy with a baby regardless of the gender, so long as s/he is healthy. But this causes a lifetime of emotional problems for those who are born this way. Everyone always asks, "Did you have a boy or a girl?" How do you answer that if the baby is a little of each? How does a child identify with what it may appear to be if it feels like is the other? Did you know that the chromosomes aren't the only thing that determines it? That you can have an XX boy or an XY girl if the hormones are out of whack? Why does this concern me? PCOS, which I have, is the result of imbalanced hormones, namely the androgynous ones. I go off of Metformin after 12 weeks are up...do I have to worry that this may affect the baby's gender in the end? Now that's a new one most people don't think about!!

Off I go back to the couch, my only refuge these days. I also want to thank you all for the outpouring of support. I know none of you saw the comment that set me off, but you were so understanding and caring about the situation - thank you! It means the world to me to know not everyone out there has malicious intent.

Anonymous

A word for cowards to hide behind. An identity for trolls who wish to have hide their identities. And now, no longer allowed to post in my blog.

This evening, I received an extremely hurtful and offensive post in my blog. I don't know who posted it as the author wasn't brave enough to use his/her name. Whomever it was, the comment was unwanted and unnecessary. I don't understand why anyone would visit the blog of a pregnant lady who has been through loss and write something so vile and intentionally mean. But it won't happen again. You know who you are - should you ever happen upon my blog again, please know you are unwelcome here. I hate having to turn off anonymous posting since I don't want to force people to register, but I should not, and will not, be subjected to the idiocy of cowards either.

Realizations

A couple things. The obvious is that I am now only a week away from the critical point for me in this pregnancy. It was at 9w2d that I probably lost Arabella. Oddly, I'm not as distressed about this as I thought I would be. Even Brian admitted that he was feeling very optimistic about this pregnancy. I think it's because everything is different this time. If it had all been the same, I would not have been able to believe it, but it's been smooth sailing so far (aside from that very short episode of extremely light spotting a couple weeks ago). I went shopping with my sister on Thursday and ended up buying a whole bunch of outfits for the baby, estimating to the best of my ability the sizes for the times of year they would be worn. Like this adorable fleece jack o'lantern sleeper set that was originally $44 - only $5! How could I not get it? I could picture our baby in it the moment I saw it. So while I was anxious originally about this moment in pregnancy, it's not really a big deal to me anymore.

The other is that there is no way we can make it work out in our tiny apartment. We have an odd living situation in that we used to own our house. We bought a 3 family house in November 2001. Shortly thereafter, we tired of being landlords. We sold the house in December 2003 for a nice profit and paid off a lot of bills (unfortunately, not all of them). We didn't plan on buying again for a while, and ended up renting our apartment back from the new owner. It's cute, but it's only 700 square feet in 4 little rooms. I thought we could try putting the crib in our bedroom for the first 6 months at least and do our best to rearrange for a changing table, but there is no room. Our bedroom is only about 9'x10' - very cramped to begin with. The other bedroom is the junk room, with our computer and desk, bookcase, and a whole bunch of sports equipment that has to be stored where temps are pretty consistent. There is no way this will work. We didn't want to be moving before the baby comes because it would empty our bank account to do it - everyone wants first, last, and security. But if there's no room, there's no room. We'll have to do it. I'd rather wait until winter is over, so I guess that means we'll have to move when I have a big preggo belly. I'm not looking forward to it - I hate moving. But it needs to be done.

OMG! I'm Having a Chicken!

You know how you look at clouds sometimes trying to find pictures in their formations? Well, I have to say our first pictures of the baby aren't exactly discernable as a baby. It must have been his/her position at the time, because I know Arabella actually looked like a fetus at her ultrasound. So anyway, I've been staring at the pictures a lot lately (I keep copies in my desk at work to keep me motivated) and I noticed something. In picture number 2, our baby looks like a chicken! I would have drawn it out for you, but my mouse skills stink, so bear with me. The beak is on the top, facing left toward the yolk sac (no wonder there's a yolk sac! LOL!), and it even looks like there's a little bit of rooster fluff on the back of that chicken head!

If you don't see the chicken, there's another vision in the image... Look where the heart is (the heartbeat was coming from the bottom where there are 2 white circles side by side). Well, those circles look like a little butt mooning me! If I didn't see the heart beating there, I would have been sure that it was the butt!! :)

I'm Normal!

I had my follow up appointment yesterday with the OB for my blood pressure. She looked at my log of readings at home and was amazed at the difference. She said there was no way she'd put me on medication as I would be passed out on the floor if she did. Funny she said that (I'll get to this later). She said the bloodwork came back great, my blood count is apparently really good, and she looked at the ultrasound and felt everything looked the way it should be. So I'm not being labeled high risk. I go back on December 6th for my next appointment. I was hoping to negotiate for 4 weeks from my 1st prenatal appointment instead of from yesterday's appointment, but she had a situation. You see, as I've said before, the OB is also pregnant. I'm guessing she's due in late winter by the way she looks, and she was feeling lightheaded before the appointment started. It only got worse during the appointment. We ended up having to trade places eventually so she could lie down on the table! The nurses came in to check on her, and she kept apologizing, but I was more concerned about how she was doing. I don't know if this has happened to her a lot, but she did say this is the last kid she'll be having, so she must be having a particularly rough pregnancy (it's not her first). In any case, I was shooed out the door so they could take care of her and told that if I had any more questions, I could call back the next day. Is this what I have to look forward to?

In other news, I have no pants. Yes, you're reading that right. I was on a change of life plan last year and lost 30 lbs between July 2003 and March 2004. So, all of my pants were too big and I donated them. (D'oh! Think of all the clothes I wouldn't have to buy while pregnant if I had only saved some of them!) So, as summer came, I bought summer clothes. Then I got pregnant and bought maternity clothes. Then I miscarried and didn't buy any clothes. Now it's getting cold and I only have 3 pairs of pants, and one of them was tight the last time I wore them 2 weeks ago, so I really only have 2 pairs of pants. What a dilemma! If I buy regular pants, they won't fit in about a month anyway. (Am I guessing right? I'm about 8 weeks now, so by the 2nd trimester I'll probably start wearing maternity clothes, especially since I'm a big girl to start with?) But if I don't buy any, my legs are going to freeze. Plus, I hate shaving to begin with, and truthfully, I enjoy getting away with not doing it as frequently in the winter. This sort of ruins that secret plan... Ugh! If only I didn't work, then I could sit around in sweats all day not worrying about this! What to do, what to do?

Preggo Brain

Also known as a case of "the stupids." Funny how it strikes so early on. I can't concentrate on anything. I can remember even less. I find myself walking away from my truck not able to remember if I locked it, not able to recall if I put deodorant on, and even forgetting if I washed my hair while I'm in the shower. Getting anything done at work has become one of the more difficult tasks of the day since everyone is always asking me about things that happened months ago. Since I'm the one who remembers everything in our relationship, it's made things awfully difficult at home, too. I've taken to writing everything on the calendar, but that requires actually remembering to look at the calendar. LOL! I have my 3-month follow-up appointment with my endocrinologist this coming Friday. I was supposed to go for a fasting panel of bloodwork about a week before my appointment, so I planned on going yesterday. Yet I woke up Saturday morning, ate a bowl of cereal, and *then* looked at the calendar. Darn it! So now I'm fasting in hopes that I can get the bloodwork done tomorrow before work. There's nothing more cruel than asking a pregnant lady to fast, especially when she's experiencing morning sickness (which mine kindly rears it's head in the evening!) - my only "cure" has been removed. Of course, if I had remembered Saturday morning, I wouldn't be sitting here right now feeling like crud. Well, maybe I would be, but at least I could try eating something to take the edge off of it.

Let's hope I can remember my follow-up OB appointment tomorrow afternoon and my actual appointment Friday with the endo. :)

All Is Well

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
The prognosis is very good. The ultrasound tech (who was extremely nice, I must add) said everything looked great. She even let me *listen* to the heartbeat. You read that right...even though I am only at 7 weeks, I was able to hear that precious little heart beating along. I wasn't even given the option with my last pregnancy. What a beautiful sound it was... Thumping along at 142 beats per minute. So, without further delay, here are the (well, let's be honest, mostly undeterminable) photos! The baby is in between the +s and next to him/her is the yolk sac.







I won't have another ultrasound until 20 weeks, so this will have to be good enough for now. But starting with my next monthly visit, they're going to start letting me listen to the heartbeat at every visit with the doppler, so I think that will make me happy. :) I do have to go back Monday for a follow-up because of my white coat hypertension, but my blood pressure at home as been around 110/62 so they *probably* won't put me on medication, but I know the doctor was very concerned about how high it was in office. We'll just have to wait until Monday to find out how she wants to handle this.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Elections...

I know I'm a couple days late in saying anything about this, but I do have to say that they bring out the worst in people. It disgusts me that, as a democratic nation, those who do not support the president that was voted in (by a narrow margin, I must add, if you look at it on a state by state basis) are immediately jumped upon for not being "American." Isn't being "American" being a person who is able to have free thought and express that thought with the gift of free speech, thanks to the bill of rights? Or will that portion of the bill of rights be subject to some modification this term? I have the right to disagree with the winner of the election. I don't agree with his politics or his methods. He may be a good person, but he is not a good leader for this country, in my opinion. I have problems with all the civil liberties we have lost since he came into power 4 years ago, and fear for how many more will go by the wayside in the next 4 years.

• I don't agree with his removal from protection areas of land for personal gain (logging and oil) - we only have so much land, and we have an obligation to protect what's left of it, especially what is in those designated areas. They were put aside for a reason, and it certainly wasn't for the purpose they were removed recently.


• I feel we are in an unjustified war. The war on terrorism was supposed to be to "get the guys" behind the 9/11 attacks. Last I knew, that was the Al Qaida and Bin Laden, not Saddam Hussein. To run off half cocked to start a war with a nation that was not involved in the attacks, while leaving Bin Laden and his group running free in Afghanistan, is entirely absurd. It also leaves much to be wondered about the motives when you have an oil baron as the "leader" of your nation. (I won't even get started on how I believe that the 9/11 attacks could have been prevented, but someone wanted to make a statement and be able to go to war, since Republicans historically are big on scare tactics as a tool and war to make their points...)


• I also feel there is too much mixing of church and state. There is a separation of the two for a reason. The government should not be involved in determining who can get married and who can't. I don't care what your personal beliefs are - this is overstepping the boundaries of the federal government (and, to be honest, any state that gets involved in this idiocy isn't much better). I think far too many times, "God" was brought into the picture when "He" should not be a part of the laws governing our country. That's fine if that is your personal belief, and you have every right to practice that belief, but to mandate on one person's belief system is ridiculous when there are so many Americans from so many different religious and cultural backgrounds in this nation.


• I'm also a staunch opposer of censorship, something the current "leader" strongly supports. I can decide for myself what is and isn't appropriate - I don't need, nor do I want, big government getting involved in that decision.

So you see, it's not a situation of Kerry not winning so I'm a sore loser - to be honest, I don't really agree entirely with Kerry, either. It's more that I did not agree with W and did not want to see what harm could be done with another term of unchecked politics (because, let's face it - since he doesn't have to worry about a re-election now, there isn't a whole lot to stop him - especially with Republican majorities now, too).

Many have told me to suck it up and support the President, that we need to be unified as a nation. I am not a lemming. I will not support a person who narrowly won because he's the "leader" - he has to earn that right, something he has not done so far. I support Americans, I support the poor troops who are stuck overseas fighting an oil war, but I do not, nor do I have to, support W. It is my right as an American. I hope I am proven wrong, but considering how the last four years went, I am not optimistic about it...

Peace

I don't know why, but I've sort of fallen into that peaceful feeling today. I'll admit that I had a moment of panic this morning when I had some cramping, but seeing as there was absolutely no blood accompanying it, I chalked it up to just things expanding and growing for the baby. I'm really not freaking out very much anymore. I know my ultrasound will be on Friday, but I think I could have even waited another week or more at this point and would probably still be fine. Things are different this time. Even though the timeline is about the same (appointments at about the same point, including the ultrasounds being at 7w1d), it's not the same. That lack of spotting after my internal exam yesterday *really* helped ease my mind. Last time with Arabella, I had a lot of red spotting with some clot-like material in it (tissue?). I didn't freak out at the time because I was told it was normal to spot after an internal. This doctor said the same, but either she has a gentler touch, or this pregnancy really is going to stick. Either way, I'm feeling pretty positive right now.

Where I Stand

I'm back from my 1st prenatal appointment. I don't really have any answers right now - we'll have to wait until Friday for more info, as that is when my 1st ultrasound will be. But the doctor kept trying to reassure me that just because I miscarried once doesn't mean it will happen again (what she doesn't know is that I have so many friends online who have had multiple miscarriages, so this has, of course, colored my perspective of the situation). I really liked this doctor - she's young and pregnant herself, so maybe that helps. Of course, I'll be bounced around between her and 3 other doctors in the practice (2 males and 1 more female). She was very thorough, had a lot of information to share (like how nobody in their practice has ever seen a patient with listeria .... she herself eats deli meat and feels that it is very unlikely deli meat would cause problems. She likened it to worrying about crossing the street because you might get hit by a bus...). She also seemed to be very understanding about my perspective and was trying her best to make me feel comfortable.

So I will be having an ultrasound on Friday to see what's going on. Then we'll go from there. I also have to go back on Monday because my old white coat hypertension reared its ugly head. Since I'm a new patient, she wants to see me again in a week to see what's going on and I have to keep monitoring at home. This (of all things!) might get me labeled as "high risk" - not the PCOS. But we'll have to see how that goes. If that is the case, I'll have office visits every 3 weeks instead of every 4, which would be fine by me. The closer of a watch they have on me, the safer I will feel - even if it doesn't really mean anything in the end.

That's where I stand... my spotting had stopped but, of course, the pelvic exam today started it up again. At least I'll have my ultrasound in 3 1/2 days (it will be at 12:30 on Friday).

Taking It Easy

Well, the spotting stopped for the most part last night. (TMI alert!) It was very light and pink, and now my CM is only lightly tinged brown so it's going away. I've been resting with my feet up. Since nothing can be done anyway if this did lead to miscarriage, I did not call my doctor's office or rush to the ER. Number one, my doctor's office would have just told me to rest with my feet up anyway - I'm already doing that. Number two, I will be having an ultrasound on Monday anyway. If I can make it 2 more days, we'll be able to see more of what's going on at that point. Why waste insurance money today if it will be done Monday anyway - besides, there are people who need the services of the ER more than I do right now. Brian is convinced it's nothing and it's perfectly normal, but maybe it's just a defense mechanism, his way of dealing with the situation. It's funny because he keeps watching children's shows on TV today, claiming we'll have to get used to it anyway for the kids. :) He can be so sweet. :)

A couple of my friends on FF mentioned a subchorionic bleed possibly being the culprit. So I decided to look up some info on it on the internet since I was never told of this last time around even though I spotted frequently in that pregnancy. The best description I found was the comparison of pregnancy to a construction zone, and the bleeding being like when the construction crew accidentally hits a water or gas main. With all that's going on in the uterus, it's not uncommon for bleeding to occur from time to time - it's just difficult to deal with if you've had a miscarriage before. "Normal" holds no meaning for me anymore.

In any case, it looks like I'm a hostage of my living room this weekend. Only 2 more days until I figure out if this baby will stick around a little longer. Then I still have to get past 9 weeks 4 days when I found out Arabella had died. I have a looooong way to go, and I don't think I will actually feel comfortable until we have a live baby to hold in our arms.

Blood.

Amazing how the sight of it can stop a person dead in her tracks, gripping her heart and freezing her mind, unwilling to accept what the eyes see. So she checks again, only to find the same results...and then despair sets in.

My foe, Spot, dropped in for a surprise (and unwanted) visit this evening. 2 days earlier than last time. Yes, spotting is normal for most pregnant women. Yes, many spot throughout, some even bleeding like AF herself were there all along. But you have to understand that, to a woman who has experienced miscarriage before without any warning other than "typical spotting" - the type we are not supposed to be worried about - it's difficult not to panic. Immediately, Brian reminded me that it's normal. But they told me it was normal last time, too, and our baby still died, even though I didn't have any of the symptoms of a miscarriage - just "normal" spotting.

So yes, I'm not exactly optimistic right now. We were on our way to a movie when I discovered the situation, and I spent a good part of the movie mentally saying my goodbyes to our baby before I've even gotten used to him/her being here yet. Some would say I'm acting prematurely, or just not positive enough. I feel I'm just making sure I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. Might as well be prepared for the worst since this is how it started last time.

Even though there is nothing that can be done to prevent a miscarriage, I'll be taking it easy this weekend. A lot of sitting with my feet up. It didn't help last time, but at least I won't feel guilty that I contributed. And then on Monday, all will be revealed. Less than 3 days to go...

Keeping Sane

Those of you who have been following my blog will know that a few weeks ago, I went to a Depression Screening at the local hospital. This has blossomed into a few visits to their Behavioral Health Center to give them a thorough history of my background. Last night, I met with the psychiatrist for the first time. He was supposed to have a diagnosis by the end of the evening, but he decided he really wanted to talk to me one more time before coming to any conclusions. This only adds to my stress because of the non-parity clause in my insurance, and I did mention this to him (if the diagnosis is biological, my co-pay is $5 - if it's just a temporary problem, the co-pay is 50%, which is a HUGE difference!). He said he was leaning toward non-specific depression, which would most likely be considered biological, but he doesn't have any definite answers right now. I see him again on December 6th. In the meantime, I'm starting talk-therapy with one of the therapists. We both agreed that medication was not necessary at this time, but he did say that severe depression during pregnancy can be harmful to the developing baby so if it gets bad later on down the road, we will have to consider medication even though it's Category C (let's just say it's best to avoid Category C if at all possible...). I doubt it would come to medication unless I had another miscarriage, and if that were to happen, there wouldn't be a developing baby to worry about the medication affecting anyway.

Miscarriage. The word rolls off my tongue so freely; quite a difference from last time. I know it's a possibility - in fact, with the statistics I've absorbed, I've come to realize that it's so common that when you factor in early miscarriages (also known as chemical pregnancies), there's a 50% chance of losing that child. The further one gets a long, the lower the chances get. Today, I'm at 5 weeks 5 days. Within a few days, I'll get to the point in my last pregnancy when I started spotting. It's something I haven't encountered so far, but it's at the back of my mind always. I logically know it wasn't my fault last time, but I have avoided so much this time around, "just in case." Anything to up the odds, after all.

In the meantime, there are rumors floating around that one of my cousins on my mother's side of the family is pregnant. This will be her second child; she had her first at 15 years old and she is now 21. Last time I was pregnant, she and her husband did mention that they were trying for a boy, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. But I'm the eldest of the cousins on that side of the family - I should have been the first to have children, yet she, her sister, and another cousin all beat me to the punch once already - now, she'll beat me again with her 2nd child. I'm both excited about sharing our pregnancies and disappointed that I have to share the glory of my first baby with her (yes, I'm being selfish!). I haven't been able to discuss the matter with her yet - I tried emailing her to find out if it was true, offering my news as collateral for hers, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I figured the sooner I got it out into the open with her, the better - then she wouldn't feel I was stealing her thunder, either.

Which brings me to my latest dilemma. All along, I've been conflicted as to when to share our news with our extended families. On the one hand, being cautious allows me to not feel like a huge failure in public should I miscarry again. On the other, should I miscarry again, I will need the support of my family. Not that most of them offered any - only my aunts and my Grandmother on my father's side offered any kind of comfort in the days after my last miscarriage - but every little bit would help. With the added information of my cousin being pregnant, I'm missing that innocence of carefree pregnancies, that ability to share the news as soon as there's a positive HPT without any worries about having to take that news back weeks later. I'm not sure what to do. My OB appointment is next Monday. If I can make it to then, I think I may spill the beans. It will actually be slightly earlier than last time, but I think I need to do this. It will be a step in the right direction for me, I hope...

Avoidance and Lessons Learned

I've been thinking about that coyote all day, as well as what Kether (I hope you don't mind me naming you out!) posted in my blog. Maybe I should examine these further...

Avoidance. What could I be avoiding? Well, there are a lot of things.

• I thought about this some more after posting (so this is not a part of the original post)... I recently have become uncomfortable with my decision to change education paths. After my miscarriage, I questioned why I was going to school for a degree in English, with the ultimate goal of teaching, if I don't agree with the new laws and the new policies to teach to the test instead of to educate. I switched to a program in Recreational Leadership at my old community college, figuring it would enable me to get a job in the areas we dream of moving to. But the more I go to these classes, the more I have realized that this is not what's natural to me. In fact, it's almost the polar opposite. I'm used to academics, not business. I thrive on writing thoughtful pieces, not dumbing down to a sixth grade level, as I am now being told is appropriate in the business world. I've struggled with this...how can I tell my husband that, yet again, I've been spending money on a degree that doesn't seem like it's meant for me? This really became more of a dilemma after speaking with my sister in law last weekend. She teaches at a private school, an arena I had never considered, and explained that she sets her own curriculum - they are not subject to the laws that public schools are. English has always been a draw to me, what seems to fit. But the bureaucracy involved in teaching it dissuaded me from that path recently, in spite of it being the only thing that I've enjoyed. Maybe I made the wrong decision? Maybe private schools are the way for me to share my love of language without being forced to teach the test? Or maybe I just don't have any clue at all what I want to do?


• As Mia pointed out, I could be avoiding revealing my secret to my boss because I am really afraid of how she will react this time. I'm not ready to be told over and over again, as last time, that if I miscarry it will be okay - I can always have another one. I don't want another one - I want this one, just like last time. I also don't want to deal with her complaining all day because the timing of my due date is bad for our office. It's not like I chose it intentionally to give her a hard time.


• Bonding with this baby could be another. I'm trying hard to be positive, but I am much more reserved this time. I know I'm trying to change my thinking by my actions - I've started buying baby items on eBay and looking at maternity clothes. I bought a scrapbook with the intent of making a sort of journal of my journey through pregnancy. I want to put the ultrasound picture(s) in there, letters to the baby, and whatever else. While all of these are actions of looking ahead, I know deep down inside I'm afraid to give myself over to actually expecting a baby in June. I really need to get past 9 weeks 4 days before that can happen, I think.


• Fully dealing with my miscarriage is another potential item I'm avoiding. I've been working through the emotions, and doing whatever I can to help my mental health, but deep down inside, I'm still upset about it. I still want that baby. And I'm mad that nobody else (aside from my friends online) seems to remember or care about her. I'm upset that I feel like the crazy lady if I talk about it with my family. I guess I'm just upset in general, still. I find things that do make me happy - I'm certainly not sitting at home in a dark corner, unable to function. But it's at the back of my mind always.

So what did I learn from my miscarriage? Quite a bit, actually. It was one of the biggest challenges I've had to my belief system. It's hard seeing that there is a reason for the loss at the time of it, but it was something I tried to keep in mind all the while. What was I supposed to take away from this experience? And how did it all fit in with what I believed?

I was raised Catholic, but I have drifted away from that quite some time ago. I have a bit of an eclectic belief system now, with some nature religions and Buddhist items thrown in to the basics that you can take away from any Christian religion. I don't believe in a Heaven or a god "the creator, watching over us at all times." I look at it in a much more abstract form, as in "god" is in all of us as life (energy) pervades all. So when the energy in one lifeform appears to have been extinguished, it actually moves on to something else, whether it's another baby, a butterfly, a tree, etc. That theory works fine until you are faced with fitting a personal loss into it. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that the baby was gone. It was not in a "Heaven" playing with Grandpa - it was now providing energy for another life. What made that more difficult is that everyone tried to comfort me by saying she was playing with God, etc... things that don't make any sense to me. I understood now why there were cemeteries (I used to feel they were a waste of land that could be used to provide sustenance)...because we need somewhere that we feel we can always find the ones we've lost. I had nowhere. There was no body to bury or grieve over - she was just gone.

But the test did make me examine my life much more closely. I realized many things I used to believe were important were a waste of time. Life needs to be celebrated and enjoyed for we only have it for so long. Material items are a distraction from what really matters. I reconsidered my education goals since I knew once I did have a child to hold, I would want to spend as much time as possible with him/her, instead of working full time and being away a couple nights a week at school. We only have them in our lives for so long - why give up any of that time?

I also learned the hard way how difficult the experience truly is to have lost a child. I have a new understanding that I never could have had otherwise, and I felt awful for what I used to believe about miscarriages. I used to believe they were nothing, I wasn't one who believed life began at conception. I was a supporter of abortion rights and felt a being wasn't truly alive unless it could live on its own outside the womb. Arabella taught me that I was all wrong... she was alive. I saw her heartbeat flicker on that ultrasound monitor only weeks before her life ended. She was alive, she was a part of me, but now she was gone.

A friend who is on a spiritual quest as well mentioned afterwards that she thought pregnancy was an agreement between two souls. If it ended prematurely, the agreement had ended for one reason or another. I thought that was an interesting idea. Then I recently read in Miscarriage: Women Sharing from The Heart another idea that intrigued me. One of the women quoted in the book mentioned that she came to believe that the pregnancy ended prematurely because the child had already served his/her purpose, achieved his/her goal. With that completed, it was time for him/her to move on. Could it be that this child came to teach me to value life because I wasn't? Did she know I was heading the wrong way and I needed something to turn me back in the right direction for the sake of future children?

I think about this a lot. I will never have concrete answers to any of my questions, but I did take a lot away from the experience. I wish I could have gotten to know Arabella, but she taught me much in the time I had with her and since she has left. I am a new person because of her. Now I just need to open up my heart again to another child...

Spiritual Messenger?

I don't know how much I've delved into it on here, but I know I've mentioned before my belief that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that there are signs everywhere helping us along the right path, if we pay attention. Usually, they catch us unaware and unless we really think about it, we may miss out on that message entirely.

Tonight on my way to my class at the local community college, I saw a bit of a strange sight. There, on the side of the highway, was a coyote patiently waiting to cross. S/he watched my truck until I got alongside of her/him, and then turned back to watch for a clearing in the traffic. I knew there were coyotes in the area - in fact, I think I've seen one once before only a few blocks from my house - but it's highly unusual to see them, especially near the highway like that, so this really stuck out in my mind. I thought about it during my exam, and afterwards on my drive home. I meant to tell my husband about it, but forgot in his exuberance for the Red Sox - Yankees game. And then I just remembered my find. So I figured I'd poke around on the internet and see what this spirit guide had to say (as many cultures did consider animals to be their spirit guides).

I found this on http://www.sayahda.com/cyc1.html :

When coyote wanders into your life you are being asked to look at something you have been avoiding. Coyote is our mirror for the lessons we need to learn in order to walk a good sacred road. It will hold up the mirror relentlessly until we finally get the picture.

Interesting... Lately the messages I've paid attention to have been eerily correct in retrospect. I wonder what I'm avoiding now that needs to get out in the open?

Crazy Pregnant Lady Coming Through!

I made a resolution not to have my hCG levels checked again. I was trying to save my sanity. I figured that if I didn't have the numbers, I'd have nothing to obsess about. Of course, so early on with so little to reassure oneself, there isn't much to cling to in hopes that the pregnancy is going well. The nausea isn't really bothering me much, and aside from my aching lower back, there's really not much else to indicate there's a bun in the oven. So what would a crazy pregnant lady do to check if she's still pregnant? Pee on a stick, of course! I actually wasted most of my lunch break today to go to Walmart to buy a cheap HPT (why waste the big bucks, after all) so I could check at lunchtime that the line is darker than it was last week. Fortunately for my sanity, it was significantly darker - but that doesn't take away from the ridiculousness of it. Let's hope I can settle in to this pregnancy soon because those HPTs really add up! ;)


[19 DPO, Equate, several hours after test was taken (didn't think to take a photo when it was fresh, LOL!) - It really is darker in person, I just couldn't get it to come out right with the camera]

In other news, I slipped at work and told one of my coworkers. We were commiserating about our boss, who is quite often unreasonable and overly emotional. I won't let her suck me into her games this time around like she did last time. Of course, the only reason I could think of to justify this comment was my "delicate condition." My coworker swore she wouldn't say anything, but you know how office grapevines are. Last time I was able to wait longer before releasing this info at the workplace, so I really didn't want it going around just yet. But it's done now - there's no taking it back. So I guess I'll just have to go with it.

On To Cautiously Expecting...

After giving Arabella her day, I am ready to look forward now. Brian and I did disagree as to when to start telling people. I have to admit that there is that cautious side of me that doesn't want to "spill the beans" and then have to take it back again. But I don't want to even let those thoughts into my head. As a friend tells me repeatedly, why write that script? So we started sharing the news with a very select group of people. My sister, of course, was one of the first to know. She found out almost immediately after my husband. Then yesterday we shared with Brian's father, mother, and sisters. I think we'll wait until this weekend for my parents, though. After that, the extended family will have to wait until Thanksgiving at the earliest, but maybe Christmas if I can hold out that long. As optimistic as I'm trying to be, I just can't bear to tell everyone again so early. Baby steps... 2 more weeks until I see the OB. All I have to do is make it to then...

In Honor of The Day

However you want to call it, whether it's Babyloss, Pregnancy Loss, or Infant Loss Day, the day is today. Arabella has been on my mind again. Those of you unfamiliar with her should know that she is the child I miscarried July 19, 2004. I was only about 9 weeks along, so there was no definitive answer as to the gender of that child, but I had a strong feeling from the start that I was having a girl and I felt it was only right to give her a name in honor of her memory. I've been through some rough times since this loss. And while I was delivered wonderful news yesterday, today is Arabella's day. I lit her candle in memory of her, as well as all other children who were called away too soon, at 7PM. It will stay lit until I go to bed this evening.

I spent a lot of time writing in my journal in the middle of the night in the days following my miscarriage. It was my way of dealing with it. At that time, I wrote a couple of poems. The emotions were raw and painful but I think they're worth sharing today.

July 22, 2004
Broken heart and empty womb
are all you'll find inside me.
A week ago we were so happy -
how could this be?
You left me here, all by myself,
no future left to dream of.
Called away far too soon,
but in my heart you'll be loved.

July 21, 2004
Little one, you left too soon;
I never got to know you.
I never got to see your face
Nor will I ever hold you.
No baby laughter in our home
Will there be this winter.
Without you in our lives
Will happiness be hindered.
I hope you're in a better place
Where you will be cared for and hugged.
And always know you're in our hearts
Where you will always be loved.

May all of you who have suffered this loss find peace, as your children most certainly have.

Drumroll Please

And the answer is ..... 25 ..... Are you scratching your head? That's what Brian did when I called him at work to tell him. You see, I work in an office full of cubicles. I sit 3 feet from the counter where all the customers come in. I have no privacy here. So I tried to speak in code. He asked me what that meant, and I replied, "Well, last month it was 0," figuring he'd catch on. He didn't. So I had to come out and actually say it in as much of a whisper as I could manage. I am pregnant. A little bit, by that number, but I am. I should be jumping up and down right now, twirling around in circles, elated and overjoyed. But a couple things cloud this. Number one, Babyloss Awareness Day tomorrow when I'll be lighting a candle in memory of Arabella and all my sistas' angel babies. Second, that number seems so low. Last time, at 16 DPO it was around 350-something. 25 at 13 DPO doesn't seem high enough. To be fair, it looks like I had a later implantation in this cycle than the last time I got pregnant. That would result in low numbers (and very faint positives on HPTs!). But I can't help but think about that number...I shouldn't have even asked what it was.

So here I am, cautiously expecting. If all goes well, my due date according to Fertility Friend is June 23, 2005. A little less than a month before the 1 year anniversary of the loss of Arabella. Two weeks after Brian's birthday, the day this year that we found out I was pregnant for the first time. I am happy, really... I'm just worried, too.

More Waiting

Finally, finally, finally my doctor's office called back. My doctor ordered the blood test! So I went to the lab on my lunch break. Now I'm just waiting for the results... and not so patiently waiting, I'll admit. I just have to keep busy to keep my mind off of it!

Waiting

I was hoping to update everyone today but it looks like that won't happen. After getting a *3rd* faint positive this morning, I decided to call my doctor's office to have a blood test done. That is the only accurate pregnancy test, after all. Every time I call for a test, it turns into a huge fiasco. Those of you who have been following my story know that last month, they ordered the urine instead of blood test first. After straightening that out, they were supposed to have the results rushed because I was due for x-rays the next day. I didn't get my results until 2 days later, and that was only because I called their office. When I called, they couldn't even find my results; they had to call the lab. I should know better, I guess.

So this time I figure I'll ask for the one person I know is competant in the office - she no longer works there. The new girl says she needs to check with my doctor first as my doctor may want me to come in for an office test (i.e. urine test!). Last time, I was told those who answered the phones could order the tests. (I should also mention that the 1st time I was pregnant, I did an in office urine test that came back positive. My doctor told them to send me for a blood test to confirm - they sent me for a lab urine test, that actually came back negative even though a blood test 3 days later confirmed that I was pregnant...) I don't know why they keep pushing urine tests on me. They're NOT accurate! I want accuracy! My emotions have been toyed with enough in the last 6 months! Not to mention, it's such a waste of time. I already did a urine test at home - that's what an HPT is!

So anyway, now I will be stuck waiting all day for them to call back. Knowing them, I won't hear back until tonight when I'm at class. Another day wasted. It's too bad you couldn't just walk in for blood pregnancy tests... My insurance pays for them, after all.

It may be time to find a new doctor...

Well......?

And a very early good morning to you! I know what's on your minds....is she or isn't she? The suspense is probably killing you. Except there's one problem....I can't tell!!! Remember, it's 5AM and kind of dark right now. I'm relying on the lighting in the bathroom which, quite honestly, stinks. It looks like there *may* be (the faintest of faint) a 2nd line on this darn HPT, but it's *really* hard to tell. It may just be that I really want to see that and, since I know where that 2nd line is supposed to show up, I'm making myself see it. I don't know! To be fair, this line that I think I may be seeing (it's that faint!) did show up within 3 minutes, which is when it said to check the results. So I highly doubt it's an evaporation line....but, like I said, what I think I'm seeing is barely perceptible and DH isn't up yet to pick his brain. So, to be fair, I can't give any official results yet. I'll just have to retest. Don't give me any congrats yet. It could be an imaginary line!!

EDITED TO ADD: I've decided to give you a chance to try and decipher this. DH, even with his sleepy eyes, thought he saw it, too. I tried photographing the HPT; this was the best I could get. I put in arrows to show where I think I'm seeing the line. It really may be too faint to even show up on the photos, though...







Any thoughts? I really can't see it in the photos, so I guess I'll retest tomorrow or Thursday just to be sure.

EDITED AGAIN TO ADD: I couldn't resist! I took another test on my lunch break! This time it was an Answer Early Results (the one I took this morning was First Response Early Results), and it looks like another faint positive! See for yourself:







Looks like I may be calling my doctor's office tomorrow for a beta! :)

I Love New York!

Great day yesterday... We wandered quite a bit, but we did stop in Saks Fifth Avenue (mental note, need to win lottery before going in there again), Tiffany's (same), Trump Towers, Macy's, and the new Disney store in midtown. We ran across the Naked Cowboy in Times Square once again and ate at the Jekyll and Hyde Club. And of course, we saw "Naked Boys Singing" at the John Houseman Theatre on 42nd Street. Need I say more? ;)

Mom and Sis outside Trump Towers with the doorman


Me in front of FAO Schwartz (which is STILL closed!!)


The Naked Cowboy and Mom


The Naked Cowboy gets a little friendly with Mom


Sorry, no photos of the cast of NBS... No photos are allowed during the show and they didn't do a photo opp after the show (they do that sometimes). :( It's a shame as this was a completely different cast from last time and one of the guys was CUTE!

Last Update Today...I Promise!

In final news... My grandmother and mother were kind enough to inform me that one of my cousins has decided to start TTC. I don't know if they expected me to be overjoyed or what? This cousin, while she knew that I was pregnant and knew about the miscarriage, never once contacted me about my loss. This is the same cousin I used to idolize when I was a child, which is probably why I'm still so perturbed that she never even took a moment to drop me an email about it. Her parents offered their condolences. Her brother wrote the most beautiful email I received in reference to our loss. But not a peep from her. And now I'm supposed to be thrilled that she is trying, and will probably have a baby before me.

To be fair, she also has PCOS. She was the one who looked at me one day and said I look like I have it, too. (Those of you familiar with PCOS will know that having someone say that to you is not exactly a compliment.) She helped me find the right testing to confirm it. And then once I announced I was pregnant in June, I got a very brief email of congratulations and not a word since.

Yes, I'm peeved, and I feel I have a right to be. The news grandma and my mother shared with me didn't go over well. DH was irritated that I was bothered by it, but I guess he doesn't understand. So once again, I'm not discussing it around him... Guess that's one more thing for therapy.

More Info

I've been meaning to update and *finally* it looks like I might have a chance to. Bear with me...this will be quite personal.

Those of you who are regulars of my blog know that I had a bit of a breakdown a week ago. DH and I had a huge blowout, and I've been having a lot of problems dealing with my miscarriage in July. I had been hearing on the radio that the hospital would be doing a depression screening on Thursday (yesterday) as a part of National Depression Screening Day. DH and I talked about it and I decided it would be good for me to go. In the meantime, I had been doing some research on my own about depression and bipolar disorder. You see, a great friend of mine online revealed not too long ago that she has bipolar disorder. What she described struck a chord with me, and it's been a nagging thought at the back of my mind ever since.

Last night came and I went to the screening. I filled out a questionnaire asking about symptoms that would be indicative of Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. While the therapists scored the questionnaires, we watched a video about the symptoms of depression and bipolar. Again, I recognized myself in much of what was said in that video. I almost broke out in tears...I just couldn't help it. After the video, while one of the doctors answered questions, we were called up (on a voluntary basis) to talk with the therapists. I was one of the first to go up, so I missed the talk the doctor gave, but it doesn't matter...I already had a pretty good idea of what was going on.

The therapist recommended that I go for follow up, based on my answers, for Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I scored very highly on all of them. But of course, of all things, I wanted to know what it would cost me. :) She reassured me they would check with my insurance company but if the coverage wasn't sufficient, the hospital offered financing options; they would not turn anybody down for lack of ability to pay. So we went over a brief history. The therapist seemed surprised I had never been treated before based on what we discussed...I guess I've been very lucky. But also, if I am bipolar, I'm rapid-cycling. My moods don't tend to stay in one direction or the other for very long, whereas clinical depression is usually a depression that lasts at least 2 weeks. In any case, we made an appointment for me to come back today to discuss insurance and fill out paperwork.

I went back this afternoon, filled out the required paperwork, and had a happy discovery. My insurance will pay for 10 sessions, with the opportunity to renew for 10 more if needed, and all I have to pay is $5 per session! Now there are no obstacles to me getting the help I need. I go back Tuesday afternoon to give a more detailed history, and then she will schedule me to meet with a psychiatrist the following week. And so it will go from there...

I'm not sure how much this will help since I refuse to take any more medication. I'm on enough as it is. I guess if I've made it this long I can probably continue without meds. I'm really looking for coping techniques to help me recognize and deal with the situations before they get out of hand. A person on one of the message boards I visit recommended cognitive-behavior therapy, which is something I also would like to pursue. It takes a look at the self-defeating thoughts you have and helps you turn that around to something positive.

In any case, this is what's been going on with me... I am officially now, I suppose, and emotional wreck. I've been labeled. But at least I'm doing something about it, which is all that much more important since we're still trying to conceive right now. The hard times will keep coming, and will probably be bad for a while again when I do get pregnant, so at least I'll have therapy to help me through that.

In the meantime, back to my knitting... :) I'm now 8 DPO and I'm trying to hold out until Monday to test (I'm being realistic - I know I won't wait any longer than that). I'm having some unusual symptoms that I normally don't have, and didn't have when I was pg either, so who knows? Being in New York City all day tomorrow will keep me too busy to think about it, at least. Have a great weekend, everyone!