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I've been meaning to update and *finally* it looks like I might have a chance to. Bear with me...this will be quite personal.

Those of you who are regulars of my blog know that I had a bit of a breakdown a week ago. DH and I had a huge blowout, and I've been having a lot of problems dealing with my miscarriage in July. I had been hearing on the radio that the hospital would be doing a depression screening on Thursday (yesterday) as a part of National Depression Screening Day. DH and I talked about it and I decided it would be good for me to go. In the meantime, I had been doing some research on my own about depression and bipolar disorder. You see, a great friend of mine online revealed not too long ago that she has bipolar disorder. What she described struck a chord with me, and it's been a nagging thought at the back of my mind ever since.

Last night came and I went to the screening. I filled out a questionnaire asking about symptoms that would be indicative of Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. While the therapists scored the questionnaires, we watched a video about the symptoms of depression and bipolar. Again, I recognized myself in much of what was said in that video. I almost broke out in tears...I just couldn't help it. After the video, while one of the doctors answered questions, we were called up (on a voluntary basis) to talk with the therapists. I was one of the first to go up, so I missed the talk the doctor gave, but it doesn't matter...I already had a pretty good idea of what was going on.

The therapist recommended that I go for follow up, based on my answers, for Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I scored very highly on all of them. But of course, of all things, I wanted to know what it would cost me. :) She reassured me they would check with my insurance company but if the coverage wasn't sufficient, the hospital offered financing options; they would not turn anybody down for lack of ability to pay. So we went over a brief history. The therapist seemed surprised I had never been treated before based on what we discussed...I guess I've been very lucky. But also, if I am bipolar, I'm rapid-cycling. My moods don't tend to stay in one direction or the other for very long, whereas clinical depression is usually a depression that lasts at least 2 weeks. In any case, we made an appointment for me to come back today to discuss insurance and fill out paperwork.

I went back this afternoon, filled out the required paperwork, and had a happy discovery. My insurance will pay for 10 sessions, with the opportunity to renew for 10 more if needed, and all I have to pay is $5 per session! Now there are no obstacles to me getting the help I need. I go back Tuesday afternoon to give a more detailed history, and then she will schedule me to meet with a psychiatrist the following week. And so it will go from there...

I'm not sure how much this will help since I refuse to take any more medication. I'm on enough as it is. I guess if I've made it this long I can probably continue without meds. I'm really looking for coping techniques to help me recognize and deal with the situations before they get out of hand. A person on one of the message boards I visit recommended cognitive-behavior therapy, which is something I also would like to pursue. It takes a look at the self-defeating thoughts you have and helps you turn that around to something positive.

In any case, this is what's been going on with me... I am officially now, I suppose, and emotional wreck. I've been labeled. But at least I'm doing something about it, which is all that much more important since we're still trying to conceive right now. The hard times will keep coming, and will probably be bad for a while again when I do get pregnant, so at least I'll have therapy to help me through that.

In the meantime, back to my knitting... :) I'm now 8 DPO and I'm trying to hold out until Monday to test (I'm being realistic - I know I won't wait any longer than that). I'm having some unusual symptoms that I normally don't have, and didn't have when I was pg either, so who knows? Being in New York City all day tomorrow will keep me too busy to think about it, at least. Have a great weekend, everyone!