Avoidance and Lessons Learned

I've been thinking about that coyote all day, as well as what Kether (I hope you don't mind me naming you out!) posted in my blog. Maybe I should examine these further...

Avoidance. What could I be avoiding? Well, there are a lot of things.

• I thought about this some more after posting (so this is not a part of the original post)... I recently have become uncomfortable with my decision to change education paths. After my miscarriage, I questioned why I was going to school for a degree in English, with the ultimate goal of teaching, if I don't agree with the new laws and the new policies to teach to the test instead of to educate. I switched to a program in Recreational Leadership at my old community college, figuring it would enable me to get a job in the areas we dream of moving to. But the more I go to these classes, the more I have realized that this is not what's natural to me. In fact, it's almost the polar opposite. I'm used to academics, not business. I thrive on writing thoughtful pieces, not dumbing down to a sixth grade level, as I am now being told is appropriate in the business world. I've struggled with this...how can I tell my husband that, yet again, I've been spending money on a degree that doesn't seem like it's meant for me? This really became more of a dilemma after speaking with my sister in law last weekend. She teaches at a private school, an arena I had never considered, and explained that she sets her own curriculum - they are not subject to the laws that public schools are. English has always been a draw to me, what seems to fit. But the bureaucracy involved in teaching it dissuaded me from that path recently, in spite of it being the only thing that I've enjoyed. Maybe I made the wrong decision? Maybe private schools are the way for me to share my love of language without being forced to teach the test? Or maybe I just don't have any clue at all what I want to do?


• As Mia pointed out, I could be avoiding revealing my secret to my boss because I am really afraid of how she will react this time. I'm not ready to be told over and over again, as last time, that if I miscarry it will be okay - I can always have another one. I don't want another one - I want this one, just like last time. I also don't want to deal with her complaining all day because the timing of my due date is bad for our office. It's not like I chose it intentionally to give her a hard time.


• Bonding with this baby could be another. I'm trying hard to be positive, but I am much more reserved this time. I know I'm trying to change my thinking by my actions - I've started buying baby items on eBay and looking at maternity clothes. I bought a scrapbook with the intent of making a sort of journal of my journey through pregnancy. I want to put the ultrasound picture(s) in there, letters to the baby, and whatever else. While all of these are actions of looking ahead, I know deep down inside I'm afraid to give myself over to actually expecting a baby in June. I really need to get past 9 weeks 4 days before that can happen, I think.


• Fully dealing with my miscarriage is another potential item I'm avoiding. I've been working through the emotions, and doing whatever I can to help my mental health, but deep down inside, I'm still upset about it. I still want that baby. And I'm mad that nobody else (aside from my friends online) seems to remember or care about her. I'm upset that I feel like the crazy lady if I talk about it with my family. I guess I'm just upset in general, still. I find things that do make me happy - I'm certainly not sitting at home in a dark corner, unable to function. But it's at the back of my mind always.

So what did I learn from my miscarriage? Quite a bit, actually. It was one of the biggest challenges I've had to my belief system. It's hard seeing that there is a reason for the loss at the time of it, but it was something I tried to keep in mind all the while. What was I supposed to take away from this experience? And how did it all fit in with what I believed?

I was raised Catholic, but I have drifted away from that quite some time ago. I have a bit of an eclectic belief system now, with some nature religions and Buddhist items thrown in to the basics that you can take away from any Christian religion. I don't believe in a Heaven or a god "the creator, watching over us at all times." I look at it in a much more abstract form, as in "god" is in all of us as life (energy) pervades all. So when the energy in one lifeform appears to have been extinguished, it actually moves on to something else, whether it's another baby, a butterfly, a tree, etc. That theory works fine until you are faced with fitting a personal loss into it. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that the baby was gone. It was not in a "Heaven" playing with Grandpa - it was now providing energy for another life. What made that more difficult is that everyone tried to comfort me by saying she was playing with God, etc... things that don't make any sense to me. I understood now why there were cemeteries (I used to feel they were a waste of land that could be used to provide sustenance)...because we need somewhere that we feel we can always find the ones we've lost. I had nowhere. There was no body to bury or grieve over - she was just gone.

But the test did make me examine my life much more closely. I realized many things I used to believe were important were a waste of time. Life needs to be celebrated and enjoyed for we only have it for so long. Material items are a distraction from what really matters. I reconsidered my education goals since I knew once I did have a child to hold, I would want to spend as much time as possible with him/her, instead of working full time and being away a couple nights a week at school. We only have them in our lives for so long - why give up any of that time?

I also learned the hard way how difficult the experience truly is to have lost a child. I have a new understanding that I never could have had otherwise, and I felt awful for what I used to believe about miscarriages. I used to believe they were nothing, I wasn't one who believed life began at conception. I was a supporter of abortion rights and felt a being wasn't truly alive unless it could live on its own outside the womb. Arabella taught me that I was all wrong... she was alive. I saw her heartbeat flicker on that ultrasound monitor only weeks before her life ended. She was alive, she was a part of me, but now she was gone.

A friend who is on a spiritual quest as well mentioned afterwards that she thought pregnancy was an agreement between two souls. If it ended prematurely, the agreement had ended for one reason or another. I thought that was an interesting idea. Then I recently read in Miscarriage: Women Sharing from The Heart another idea that intrigued me. One of the women quoted in the book mentioned that she came to believe that the pregnancy ended prematurely because the child had already served his/her purpose, achieved his/her goal. With that completed, it was time for him/her to move on. Could it be that this child came to teach me to value life because I wasn't? Did she know I was heading the wrong way and I needed something to turn me back in the right direction for the sake of future children?

I think about this a lot. I will never have concrete answers to any of my questions, but I did take a lot away from the experience. I wish I could have gotten to know Arabella, but she taught me much in the time I had with her and since she has left. I am a new person because of her. Now I just need to open up my heart again to another child...