Mumblings

18 weeks today! 22 to go... Time seems to be flying by these days... And so many of you out there are getting so close to having your babies!! I remember when you first found out you were pregnant... Amazing!

Yesterday was 6 months since my D&C. We probably lost Arabella on July 17th, but it wasn't official until my ultrasound on July 19th so that's the day that I think of. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't lost her... I'd be less than a month away from my due date right now. So close to meeting her. Instead of 9 months we only got 9 weeks with her, though. I can't change that, and I don't think I would if I could. I learned so much from her. I don't know if I was really prepared to have children yet when I got pregnant with her...I don't know if I am still. But without our short time with her, there wouldn't be this baby. And while I can see the logic in it, it's hard to tell my heart sometimes that this was meant to be. February 17th was my due date with Arabella. Next month will be a hard one...

I also did a quite idiotic thing - I went over our finances last night before bed. A terrible idea, I know. It's kind of bad because we're both not so great with our money, and budgeting is just trying to not spend what's in savings, while everything else is a free for all. I know this has to change, it's just hard to make that change. I kept telling myself not to worry about money; everyone has told me you find a way when you have kids. That's actually one of the reasons why we stopped waiting to start our family-because everyone kept saying that if you wait until you can afford it, you'll never have kids. But looking at the numbers, I'm still not sure how we'll pay for daycare. We can *somewhat* comfortably afford 2/3 of the cost, but not the full thing... And while Brian could always pick up a 2nd job or work overtime, I hate the idea of it. My father worked 2 jobs almost my whole life... I never really saw him. He worked 7 days a week, and openly admitted to me even at a young age that much of it was to get away from my mother. That's probably why I've always placed a higher value on time with family than time at work. It will work out for us, I just don't know how yet... I still have 5 months to figure that out, at least.

My cousin had her ultrasound yesterday. She's the one who is due 2 days before I am. While they were going to find out the gender of their baby, their baby had other things in mind. S/he was uncooperative so they didn't find out. Looks like there will be 2 surprises for our family in June!