I have to disagree... After 6 miscarriages, I would rather dream one than have one... Seriously.
Which made me think... I must not have expressed myself correctly in the first place, because I certainly wouldn't rather have a miscarriage than dream about one. So what did I really mean?
My miscarriage was a "missed abortion." The actual experience wasn't very real for me. I bled for only an hour or two, and not very heavily. When I called the doctor's office that Saturday, they weren't especially concerned and told me to just rest over the weekend and come in Monday morning for an ultrasound. So I did as I was told, and the bleeding stopped. By Monday morning, I was expecting to see the little one's heart beating away...it was nothing like a "textbook" miscarriage, and so I was totally unprepared for the news that the baby had died. I ended up having a D&C that day because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. Septicemia was one concern. The other was that I did not want to go through the actual experience of my body rejecting our child. I could not face it. I wanted the "procedure" to be over as quickly as possible so I could move on. And then I grieved over that decision later; I had no finality. I never saw our baby. I never got to really say goodbye. I have no real memories of that baby, nothing to distinguish the experience from anything more than a dream. I experienced a loss that was intangible, which made it even more difficult to justify my tears to my husband since it was even less real for him.
I don't wish a miscarriage on anyone. And I hope I don't have to go through it again. So these vivid dreams (the first one several weeks ago including much blood and being so real that I was confused when I woke up and thought I had really lost our little Peep) have really affected me. Maybe it's karma for not going through it naturally with Arabella. For thinking I could escape the most horrid moments of it by having a D&C. So the thoughts and experiences of miscarriage play themselves over and over again in my dreams, so real it's like it's happening every time I dream it. All the "stuff" I tried to avoid chasing me down when I'm most vulnerable. Making sure I never forget. Making sure I never feel too comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead of having the actual experience and it being over-with (so to speak), instead I get to relive it repeatedly...
As I said, I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. A dream is always better than the reality. But the dreams are plaguing me... I misspoke and I apologize to any who were offended or upset by what I said. But you have to understand that the dreams are no better when they feel so real and they allow fear to keep creeping into the picture, preventing true happiness and contentedness from ever settling in.
2 comments:
I knew whatcha meant =)
Happy New Year Carrie!
You know what I think it is about the dreams that is so bad Carrie? That we have no safe place. I mean, I guess part of us expects that once the baby sticks and you get as far as you are, or I am, that we'll find a safe place where we can't be chased by that fear. We were used to that fear when we were miscarrying or when we were trying to conceive and it wasn't working out and in the early stages of pregnancy. But I think deep down, we expect that sometime this will get better--at some point fear will recede and then it doesn't and the dreams come and its like Fear is stalking and chasing us even at our most vounerable when we're sleeping and can't be rational. Its fear's greatest tool--dreams. Where fear gets complete control. I think that's what's so horrible about them.
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