Oddities of Parenthood

Yesterday out of my continuing restlessness to prepare for baby, I dragged Brian down to the Danbury Mall to check out what they had in The Right Start. The last time I stepped foot in that store was about a week before my miscarriage in July. But I remembered they had good quality stuff (read: expensive, but sometimes it's worth it). So as we browsed around the selection, we came across the clearance section of the store and found some Medela Single Electric Breast Pumps on sale. Amazingly, Brian did not bolt out of the store right then and there, but actually brought a box down from the high shelf for me to inspect. Marked down from $85 to $50, it seemed like a deal to me, although they do say they are only intended for occasional use, not the use someone working full time would require. But Brian said we might as well give it a shot considering the price. I couldn't believe that he was holding an adult conversation with me about breast pumps of all things! So of course, someone had to be the child and I spewed my usual litany of cow analogies. As Kether said, there is no digninty in pumping.

We also managed to agree on a high chair! We both really wanted something more simple and easy to clean. We liked the Eddie Bauer wooden one at Babies R Us, but it doesn't adjust at all. I liked Fisher Price's Aquarium Healthy Care (I think that's the line) but the pad left much to be desired. Brian came across the Zooper Peas & Carrots as we were browsing through the store, brought my attention to it, and it turned out that both of us LOVED it! Well, not the price tag, but it has nice clean lines, it has height adjustments and recline settings, and the pad is super easy to clean. So we ended up setting up a registry there, knowing we weren't likely to get anything on it because of the price. At least I got him to agree on something, though!

Zooper Peas & Carrots in bubbles print


Other than that, I'm still antsy. I want to bring things HOME for the baby, not just pick them out for the registries. (SIGH)

Getting Antsy

Recently I've gotten quite antsy about setting things up for the baby. I'm only halfway, but hey, I've known quite a few women who have had early babies (as early as 24 weeks) so I guess that's a part of my restlessness. The other part being that everyone says to do everything you can during your 2nd trimester since you'll be too tired and too big to do any of it in your 3rd trimester. The problem is this: there's nowhere to set anything up. We're still in limbo on moving...haven't been able to find anything suitable to our needs. It doesn't make sense to set up here if we will be moving anyway, but I really feel the need to make the baby's soon-to-be presence known in our house.

I've also been holding off on major purchases ever since my MIL chastised me for buying our own infant carseat/carrier and stroller, which is another setback to setting up. However, nobody has offered to make any of the bigger purchases, so I don't know why I'm waiting. Come to think of it, the topic of "When will your shower be?" came up on one of the June expecting boards and to be honest, I haven't heard a word about any sort of shower for me. I know that I would prefer to have it no closer than 6 weeks before my due date if anyone does throw one, but how can I tactfully put that out there without seeming like a gift-grubbing brat? What if we're expecting all this stuff we need to be purchased by others and nobody buys anything, there's no shower, no big to do, nada, nothing? I guess I'll be making a mad dash through Babies R Us in June hoping we can afford to buy all the essentials, but cursing the whole time about how much pain I'm in as I waddle down the aisles. The other problem with the whole shower thing is my father's side of the family who think it's really cool to wait until after the baby comes to have the shower. Yeah, that's great for the guests that you know for sure the gender and you get to meet the baby, but I personally think it sucks that you expect a new Mom to cart around her infant to a shower at a time when she's probably only getting 3 hrs of sleep a night, hasn't showered in a week, and is still in pain from her episiotomy. That also leaves you without the essentials when the baby comes, and makes it harder on the guests to come up with something to buy (I've been on the guest side of that one before)... It's so hard to plan when you have no idea what your needs will be. Yes, I have 20 more weeks (in a perfect world...we all know I could even be 2/3 of the way there at this point), but it doesn't seem to be enough time. And I hate not knowing what's going on... I'm a planner, it's just unnatural to me to not know what lies ahead. Am I making any sense? Or am I babbling idiot (or even a huge whiney brat)? I just would hate to shell out big bucks that we really can't afford to fork over if someone else is planning on making some of those purchases for us, but I can't very well ask around either. And yet, I want to start checking some things off of my to do list. (SIGH) The limitations of etiquette...

S/he Kicked Me!

Being on the fluffy side to begin with before getting pregnant, I expected to hit certain milestones later than others. Then I got spoiled with being able to hear the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler earlier than most and forgot all about that. So when all the ladies in the online groups I frequent who are due in June as well started to feel movement, I felt left out. A few times I thought I felt something that could be movement, but this is my first time getting this far so I have no idea if it was or not. It certainly wasn't a frequent occurance. For some reason, I kept trying to feel movement on the outside, convinced that Peep would make his/her presence known one way or another, and maybe it was just my not recognizing the movement for what it is that was preventing me from feeling it.

So tonight as I laid on the couch watching TV (hoping for a reprieve from the horrible back pain I've experienced lately), I decided to push down a little on my belly to see what would happen. After all, there's some extra padding there to feel through...maybe if I pushed it down a little, I'd make it easier to feel something. Almost immediately after doing so, I was rewarded with a swift kick (or punch) to my left hand. There was no question about it...Peep was answering back. Well, either that or there's an alien in my belly trying to push through. So what did I proceed to do? Push back again hoping for a repeat performance. I know, I'm greedy. Peep must have decided s/he didn't like hanging around there, though, because there was no response after that. Not that I blame him/her. If I was floating around in a bag of fluid and somebody started pushing on me, I'd probably get pretty irritated, too. That's okay... I'm ecstatic about the little bit of response I managed to get.

So maybe all those funny feelings were Peep moving around after all. I had figured it was just gas (a lovely side effect of pregnancy, for sure) or that I was imagining it because I wanted to feel something so badly. I also wondered if the placenta was in the front, preventing me from feeling anything this early. Regardless, Peep is alive and literally kicking! I can't wait until this gets to be more noticeable!

Another Monday

First off, I just want to send some positive thoughts out to Kether this morning. I can't wait until we get to meet Liam and wish you a quick recovery!! Congratulations!

I decided to do another belly shot this morning, but to be honest, I don't see any difference. The last one was at 16 weeks 1 day, this one at 18 weeks 4 days, but there's still no noticeable baby bump (don't be fooled by the one with the smoothed down shirt...most of that was there pre-pregnancy). But here they are, nonetheless:





One week and 2 days until the ultrasound! And we have a new compromise...if there are twins in there, Brian has agreed to find out their genders. After all, we'll need to prepare as much as possible if there are two! ;)

BRRRRRRR!

Okay, I'm normally a fan of winter. I love skiing and the snow is just so pretty when everything is coated in a nice layer of it. But there's just no point in tolerating the cold when you can't take advantage of any of the finer parts of winter. Another day around 0 degrees with a wind chill below zero and the apartment is FREEZING. The windows are old and even though there are storm windows over them, they're still quite drafty. And yet I can't get myself to crank the heat up. Last month, the gas bill was $230. Yup, $230 to heat a 4-room, 700 square-foot apartment. Oh yeah, and to cook and have hot water. But since the summer gas bills are only about $30 (we turn the furnace off entirely in the summer) that means I spent $200 to heat this little place to only 67 degrees last month. This month it's colder... I cringe to think what the next bill will be! Last winter, I think we had a $300 gas bill one month. CRAZY! I know people who heat whole houses that are more than twice as big for the same, or even less! Darn inefficient furnace and drafty old house... So here I stand, freezing in my sweats, waiting for the 6-20 inches of snow we're supposed to get in the next 24 hours and hoping it doesn't get much colder in here.

At least I had a project this morning to keep me busy (and therefore warmer). I did some decluttering again. I have these hormonal cycles I go through where once every 4-6 weeks I HAVE to organize. I'm not particularly good about it normally, so it's usually a big project by the time I get to it. Plus, Brian doesn't organize at all, so his portion of the work is always a lot bigger. Today I put his stack of pay stubs, bank statements for his personal account, and 401K paperwork into order and away. He brought home this pile from work a month or two ago, and I left it there for him to go through. Silly me-I should have known I'd be the one to do it in the end! Pay stubs back to 1998 in no particular order, interspersed with debit receipts just as old and recent paperwork, too. It was not fun at all. But there will be a new rule when he gets home-no more dumping stuff on the kitchen table. I'm sick of seeing piles of his junk on it. So I made a place for his basket (that I tried getting him to use to contain the mess) on the potting bench that I use as extra counter space in the kitchen, and that's where it will go from now on. I always wanted a nice clean kitchen table that one could actually eat at, and I intend to get it! I also went through more of my books today to donate and threw in all the remaining VHS movies I couldn't get myself to part with when we had our tag sale this summer. We never watch them so there's no point in allowing them to take up space that we need badly for other things. I'm not done yet with the bigger picture of this, but I made a big dent. Time to take a break and eat (I tend to forget to eat when I get involved in these projects and without morning sickness to remind me these days, it would be really easy to go the whole day without food if I didn't force myself to stop and take a break). The hardest part with taking a break, though, is losing interest. As I said, these tend to be hormonal cleanings and if I don't take advantage of it when I have the impulse, I don't feel like doing it for another month or so. I know, I'm terrible...

Mumblings

18 weeks today! 22 to go... Time seems to be flying by these days... And so many of you out there are getting so close to having your babies!! I remember when you first found out you were pregnant... Amazing!

Yesterday was 6 months since my D&C. We probably lost Arabella on July 17th, but it wasn't official until my ultrasound on July 19th so that's the day that I think of. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't lost her... I'd be less than a month away from my due date right now. So close to meeting her. Instead of 9 months we only got 9 weeks with her, though. I can't change that, and I don't think I would if I could. I learned so much from her. I don't know if I was really prepared to have children yet when I got pregnant with her...I don't know if I am still. But without our short time with her, there wouldn't be this baby. And while I can see the logic in it, it's hard to tell my heart sometimes that this was meant to be. February 17th was my due date with Arabella. Next month will be a hard one...

I also did a quite idiotic thing - I went over our finances last night before bed. A terrible idea, I know. It's kind of bad because we're both not so great with our money, and budgeting is just trying to not spend what's in savings, while everything else is a free for all. I know this has to change, it's just hard to make that change. I kept telling myself not to worry about money; everyone has told me you find a way when you have kids. That's actually one of the reasons why we stopped waiting to start our family-because everyone kept saying that if you wait until you can afford it, you'll never have kids. But looking at the numbers, I'm still not sure how we'll pay for daycare. We can *somewhat* comfortably afford 2/3 of the cost, but not the full thing... And while Brian could always pick up a 2nd job or work overtime, I hate the idea of it. My father worked 2 jobs almost my whole life... I never really saw him. He worked 7 days a week, and openly admitted to me even at a young age that much of it was to get away from my mother. That's probably why I've always placed a higher value on time with family than time at work. It will work out for us, I just don't know how yet... I still have 5 months to figure that out, at least.

My cousin had her ultrasound yesterday. She's the one who is due 2 days before I am. While they were going to find out the gender of their baby, their baby had other things in mind. S/he was uncooperative so they didn't find out. Looks like there will be 2 surprises for our family in June!

Bridal Gowns

Today we went shopping for my sister's bridal gown. She's getting married October 8th this year and seeing as she hadn't yet started looking for her gown, I made the suggestion last week that perhaps we should go looking soon. Especially since I'm matron of honor in the wedding and with my expanding waistline, the longer we wait, the harder it will be for me to guess what size I may be in October. So off we went with one of the other members of the bridal party to David's Bridal. It wasn't her first choice, but I reminded her that the dress is only worn for one day and since she's on a budget (as I was), it's a good place to start. After all, I got my dress there and it was just fine.

I have this thing about salespeople... It really irritates me how they're so sneaky and conniving, always trying to up the sale. So the first rule is to not make an appointment; less time for them to talk you into bigger purchases. We picked out 4 dresses that seemed like they would look good on my sister (she really wasn't sure what she wanted to wear) and registered to get a fitting room. Of course, right away they tried to talk her into a pair of shoes. And a $150 veil (she was planning on using mine). But all in all, I'm proud of her. She stood her ground in the end. And it was a simple choice. The first dress she tried on was her favorite (and ours!). The saleslady did say they also had it with a train, and since she wanted a bit of a train, she did end up trying on 5 dresses technically, but it was *the* one. Simple but classy. Just enough ornamentation without being too much.

The first dress

The final choice



After that, we looked at bridesmaids dresses. It was kind of cool having a say in what I'd be wearing, especially since I'm probably the biggest of the girls in the wedding and was hoping she wouldn't pick out something that would make me look horrible. Yes, it's her day, but I don't have to look like crap right? :) It came down to 2 dresses: the same one the girls wore in my wedding and this cute tea length number. Not entirely sure, we left with just her dress and plans to come back with the rest of the girls. But that tea length dress was on our minds...and after eating lunch, she made her decision: we would go for it. So 2 of us got our dresses today (and I'm happy to say that the one I got is the same size my wedding gown was...hopefully I'll have to have it taken in by October). Next weekend we focus on shoes!

Bridesmaids' dress in the color we got (Peridot)

My Boring Life

I've realized that I haven't been blogging about anything other than my latest obsessions because there just isn't anything to share... Not that I'm complaining. I don't need excitement in my life right now, and as long as everything is going well, it doesn't matter that it's boring. It's just strange how life goes like that...one moment there is an abundance of things going on, too much to keep up with. Then it quickly transitions into those peaceful lulls that you just get through without paying much attention. Then again, I'm not too good at paying attention these days anyway. I can't remember crap and my concentration is shot. But I manage.

2 weeks and 3 days until the ultrasound. My cousin will be having hers this Wednesday. It will actually be her 3rd ultrasound - and yes, I'm jealous. At least Peep is well enough that they haven't felt the need to take extra peeks, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to see what's going on in there. I'll take what I can get though. I'm really excited, although I don't know why. We're not finding out the gender, so we don't have the usual thing to look forward to at this midpoint ultrasound. But it will be the first time Brian will be seeing Peep, so that should be interesting. And s/he will be about 6 or 7 inches (if I recall correctly) at this ultrasound instead of the 1 cm s/he was at the last one. I still can't believe I have a living being inside of me that's about 5 inches long and I can't feel his/her presence. Soon enough, I know, but not yet. I'm not stressing though... In fact, I'm considering sending back the doppler. I haven't used it in over a week and I don't really feel the need to. Like I said, pretty boring around here. Peace has settled in and I welcome it.

Harder Than I Thought

Geez, it's harder than I thought to CONSCIOUSLY eat enough calories and fat every day to grow a baby! Well, it wouldn't be that hard if I was eating crap all day, which is what I was doing up until recently... Good thing Peep is taking from me what s/he needs so I'm the only one suffering for all those burgers, pizza slices, *fried* french fries, and other yummy but bad for you stuff. Of course, I *could* argue that you can get every food group in pizza...and burgers, if you do it right. :) But we all know that grease is not an essential part of growing a baby. So, how do you get enough fat and calories in a day when you're eating healthy? Don't we all pretty much cheat on a daily basis, thereby making it easier to get to that goal? But if you really did go by the food pyramid (which I hear is under major revamping...more on that later), you would be stuffed full of veggies and fruits (which have almost no calories or fat), grains (cereal, bread, pasta, and other stuff that tends not to have much fat either), and a bit of dairy and meat thrown in to balance it all out. Since the pyramid says we're supposed to limit our fat, that would mean lean meats and low-fat/fat-free dairy. In a perfect world, we could eat all waking hours of the day before achieving that ideal total of calories and whatnot for the day... But to be honest, I'm a picky eater...there are only so many veggies I will eat, and fruits give me problems if I eat too many of them. Plus, fruits tend to make me *hungrier* instead of satisfying that hunger. I could eat bread and pasta all the time...it would make me happy. But since I have PCOS, I'm supposed to be careful about that, too. And since I got pregnant, I haven't been able to stand the smell of ground turkey, one of the major staples of my pre-pregnancy diet. I'm also getting sick of chicken, and I only like steak medium-rare, which is a no-no while pregnant. So what's a girl to do? Well, I'm doing the best I can... If I can't get to those goals consistently, I'll just have to add in some crap to balance it all out. :)

Oh yeah, food pyramid. I heard that the new guideline for exercise is 90 minutes a day, EVERY DAY. Are these people on crack? Do they really think people have an hour and a half to spare *every day*??? It's insane! And unreasonable, and setting people up for failure which makes them give up entirely. I know, I've been there..setting goals too high is bad news. My endocrinologist told me he wanted me to exercise about 30 minutes for 6 days a week (or was it 5?). That would be 3 hours total a week... he did say I could sum it up, too, which was usually how I managed to fit it in. A lot of exercise on Sundays with a little during the week. 3 hours is manageable. I just finished 3 hours for this week when I did my new exercise DVD tonight. I can't imagine finding the time for 10.5 hours of exercise! Especially when Peep joins us this summer!! But I'm no expert so I guess I don't know what I'm talking about...

Good Start!

In line with my resolution yesterday, I went back to keeping track of everything I eat. Yes, it's neurotic. But it worked before. This was the biggest part of my being able to lose 35 pounds in the year before we started trying to conceive, even more so than exercise (especially since I had a habit of only exercising one day a week at times). I use this website, Fit Day and it calculates everything for you-all you have to do is remember to enter it into the daily journal. Yes, it's cumbersome, but right now I need to do it again. I've realized that I only know two ways to eat-junk or restricted. In that year that I lost that weight, I was restricting my fat (at first to less than 30g/day, later to less than 40g/day). As soon as I got my BFP and was told I was not supposed to be dieting or restricting fat, I kind of went haywire and drifted back to my old ways. The holidays didn't help, but I'm the one to blame. And it's time to take control again. The funny thing is, when keeping track of what I'm eating, I found it's very hard for me to eat a normal amount of fat and calories. It's almost 6PM and with dinner included, my totals for today are 1308 calories and 25g fat. Not good. One day won't kill me, and it might do some damage control for my Big Mac attack yesterday, but I have to find a happy medium.

Oh yeah, and I did Zen Mama again today. :) My goal was to do that at least twice a week and I've already achieved that goal for this week, with 2 more days that I plan on doing it since Brian won't be home to poke fun at me. :)

Zen Mama

As the snow falls outside tonight, I took the plunge and weighed myself. I knew it wasn't going to be good news... I've been eating a TON of junk lately since that's all I've been craving and I haven't exercised since October. It was only a matter of time before this would start to catch up to me. 10 lbs gained overall. 2 lbs since my appointment only a week ago!! Okay, so it could be part of that normal fluctuation...I weighed myself right after eating dinner (and then prompty drowned my sorrows in a piece of Jubilee Roll) but the fact remains - if I continue on this path, I'll be as big as a house come the end of June. I needed to do something, and walking in the cold snow without the benefit of all my layering pieces (which are now too small) was not appealing. So I pulled out Zen Mama.

I can't remember if I bought it when I was pregnant with Arabella, or afterwards when I was planning for my next pregnancy (or at least, hoping for the next one), but I wanted to get a prenatal yoga DVD. There actually is a yoga studio in our town, but they don't offer prenatal yoga. The nerve! In fact, nobody does. The closest place that offers it is in Canton/Avon, which is about 20-30 minutes away from my house. I refuse to trudge that far away to go to any sort of "exercise" class. Of course, I've had this DVD for months now and haven't used it either. I also have a nice YMCA membership that's going completely to waste...but that's not the topic. So I popped Zen Mama into the DVD player, unrolled the sticky mat, and got to work. It was a little difficult doing the poses with my dog licking my feet or face, whichever she could get at, but at least I can feel like I accomplished something. 1 hour of yoga counts, right? If nothing else, it's taught me that my muscles have tightened up immensely... I suppose I better be a Zen Mama at least a couple times a week between now and the day Peep comes into this world if I have any hope of 1) having a somewhat easier birth (or so the legend goes) and 2) fitting into a matron-of-honor dress for my sister's wedding in early October. I can do this, I swear! In the meantime, I should probably lay off the McDonald's as well...

Ouch!

Okay, who thought it was a great idea to sleep on your side during pregnancy? My hips have been hurting me as it is, but sleeping exclusively on them has been pure torture. I should say laying on them since I'm not getting much sleep these days. I want to sleep on my stomach, but my belly ligaments hurt when I do, and I'm supposed to be getting myself out of the habit of sleeping on my back. Every time I slide over onto my back, Brian reminds me in his so helpful way, "You're not supposed to be lying on your back!" I managed to get some sleep in a weird modified side/stomach sleep, but it made my arm fall asleep pretty fast, too. And I hate the body pillow I bought-it's useless for me. I know I've said this before, but I can't believe how much my hips hurt so early on! What the heck? Is my body getting ready to deliver a 12 lb baby?? They were pretty wide to begin with...I can't imagine them needing to get any wider!

More Stuff

Hormonal rant is over... We talked yesterday. A case of misunderstandings. I don't know if it will stay all better, but at least I got it off my chest and we talked things over. Of course, he wasn't too happy to hear that I had posted about it in my blog, but I told him I needed to get it out and would he prefer I share it with a bunch of people who know him or don't know him. :)

So we spent most of the day hanging out on the couch watching TV. I did that most of the weekend acutally, aside from taking down the Christmas tree and decorations yesterday. Might as well do it while we can; there soon will be no rest for the weary. In the late afternoon we drove over an hour to Babies 'R Us to update the registry. I had been having second thoughts about the crib we originally registered for so I wanted to have another look at our options. It was BUSY in there. The woman said they had 34 new registries today, plus all the women who were there to update existing ones! So we were in and out as quickly as possible, even though it takes nearly an hour to get there so I normally would have preferred spending some time browsing around. We decided on a set with a bit of a darker finish since it will fit in better with everything else we own. The new crib is also $70 cheaper than the old one we picked out, so maybe we'll have a better chance of getting it. Here it is:

Dark Pine Olympia Crib

Oh yeah, and my sister called me a dork for putting up a belly shot on our family webpage. She'll understand someday when she has babies - she's only 23 years old.

Hormonal Rant

I apologize in advance to all of you with perfect spouses/partners out there. I just need to get this off of my chest...

The thing that irritates me the most about pregnancy is the advice to let others help you get done what you can't anymore. In theory, this works...as long as someone offers to help. My husband is not one of those people. I can't get him to lift a finger around the house normally, unless it's to feed himself or clear the table. Now it's worse. I can't get everything done and it just sits and sits and sits until I get so sick of seeing it, I go into a hormonal craze and do it all in one night and flip out the entire time because I didn't get any help. It's not fair to either of us. A great example: Thursday it snowed and then we had freezing rain and sleet. Brian stayed home from work to go skiing in the morning and was home all afternoon. I had to work 8:30AM to 6:30PM. He played video games all afternoon. Not a single dish was washed, nothing was picked up, and the front walkway to our mailbox wasn't shoveled. I asked him at lunchtime to make dinner so it would be ready when I got home from work. I called him at 6:30 to let him know I was on my way home (as requested) and was asked "What do you want for dinner?" I live 3-5 minutes away from work... He hadn't even started anything and I was on my way home. How hard would it have been to take the initiative and just get it done, especially since I explicitly asked that he do it? My reply: "Do I call you at work every day and ask you what you want for dinner?" Click. Yesterday, the mailman didn't deliver our mail because the walkway wasn't cleared. I brought this up to my husband who replied "It's not my job. Call the landlord." The landlord lives 1 hour away. It's 8 feet of walkway. And we're already on shaky ground with the landlord. Seems like an easy one to figure out to me; why bother him (and risk further problems since he obviously doesn't want us here anymore) when it would take 5 minutes to do it. But I'm not supposed to be shoveling, especially this extremely saturated and crusty (therefore heavy) snow. I reminded him that we won't get any more mail until this is done. He refused and then went to work this morning, leaving it unshoveled. So I had to do it in the cold rain. I'm not supposed to shovel anyway because of my asthma, but even more so because of the pregnancy and the fact that I've already had one miscarriage. But there I was, shoveling away and praying to whomever the entire time that I wouldn't lose Peep over this. I return to our apartment full of clutter, reminded once again of how Brian doesn't help with anything. I asked him 2 weeks ago to clean the bathroom for me since I'm having a hard time with the tub now...he said he would. It still hasn't been done. I don't think I'm being unreasonable... It's just so hard to sit back and rest when I'm supposed to (even when he tells me to) if he doesn't help pick up *ANY* of the slack. I am not exaggerating. He does absolutely no housework, and even though he keeps telling me I shouldn't be doing this or that, he never steps in to do it instead. This is only going to get worse...

So what's the answer? Hire help and make him pay for it? I've threatened that before when he wouldn't help and he flipped out. I don't have anyone else who can help... My mother still has 6 people living in her house; she has more than enough to do at her own home. My MIL lives several towns away; I'm not going to beg her to come here and help because her son won't. But I'm at wit's end... I can't do it all, but it must get done eventually! And the things I'm not supposed to do at all still have to get done, even if he refuses to help. I don't know what the answer is... But I'm sick of being irritated and grouchy because of this.

My First Belly Shot

Okay, here's my first belly shot! Sorry it's such a horrible photo...I had to use the timer on the camera since I haven't been able to get Brian to take a picture for me. I also wasn't very awake yet. :) Of course, I had a bit of a belly before getting pregnant so I just look more pregnant than I am, but that's okay. A maternity shirt makes it all better. :)


Me at 16 weeks

Maternity Leave Defined

Okay, I have my answer from Personnel on our policy. Any time the doctor says I'm unable to work I can charge off to sick time (usually 6 weeks for vaginal birth, 8 weeks for C-section). After that, I can take the balance of the 12 weeks of unpaid time to which I'm entitled under Federal FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act)-my employer is not subject to the Connecticut FMLA, only Federal (Connecticut's allows 16 weeks, but again, unpaid). I MUST use any paid personal/vacation time first once I'm in the "unpaid" period before I get to actual unpaid leave. (I hope that makes sense...)

So lets say I don't have any medical problems and I work up until delivery. Then the doctor says I need to stay out of work for 6 weeks for recovery. I can take 6 weeks of paid sick time. Once I get past those 6 weeks, I can still stay home for up to 6 more weeks. At that point, I have to use any paid time off to which I'm entitled first (sick time cannot be used since I am not "sick" per the definition in our contract). So I have 3 weeks of vacation time. If I can't afford to take any unpaid time off (which is the case), that would mean I could stay home for a total of 9 weeks paid. If the doctor says I need 8 weeks recovery, then it would be 11 weeks paid (which is what I was hoping for anyway, although I wanted to save 1 week of vacation time for at the end of the year to spend time with our families after Christmas). I'm hoping I can get the doctor to approve 8 weeks...and worst case scenario, I can go back to work after the 9 or 11 weeks. I'll still have 2 personal days that I can save and take them off after Christmas, allowing me to have some time off at the end of the year just not as much as I originally planned. It's not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's better than nothing. And I'll still have plenty of sick time left over for illnesses after this at least.

16 Down, 24 to Go

Wow! This is going by fast, really! 16 weeks today and only 24 to go. I had a realization last night...in only 10 weeks, I'll be in the 3rd trimester. What's so amazing about this? The fact that I'm viewing it as "only" 10 weeks. My first pregnancy didn't even last that long, yet now it seems like that isn't very much time at all and will fly by. And it will. My attitude is entirely different then it was with Arabella and I think that helps. I learned from her that I have no control over this, and so I've given that up and handed it over to whatever "higher powers" do. I'm grateful for as long as I've had so far with Peep, but it's not in my hands as to how long I have with him/her. I think this revelation has allowed me to live more in the moment instead of worrying all the time about what could be. Sure, I've had my moments, but for the most part I haven't been my usual obsessive self. And it's made it that much more enjoyable.

Today I will be meeting with Personnel at work to find out what exactly the policy is on maternity leave. I know the federal and state laws; that was the first thing I did when we decided to TTC. But the laws leave it up to the employer as to whether or not sick time can be used to offset the unpaid leave. I've accumulated 11 weeks of sick time just for this reason, in hopes of it providing for a paid maternity leave. I work in a union environment, so usually this sort of thing would be spelled out in our contract. But since most of the women I work with are beyond child-bearing age, it hasn't been an issue before and therefore hasn't been addressed. There is one woman who was pregnant recently there, but she was a "contract employee"-not part of the union. I believe their benefits follow management's, and management has a pretty generous amount of sick leave (I think they can leave for up to 1/2 a year and not lose any of their salary), so she probably stayed out under that. Today all will be revealed.

Just Stuff

I guess I was a little vague yesterday...my appointment was with Dr. K. For some reason that I was not told (and I was not forewarned), he was not there, so they shoved me off on Dr. F. I had no idea until she walked into the exam room that I'd be seeing someone else. My next appointment is also with Dr. K. He BETTER be there!! If not him, then it better be one of the delivering doctors. I don't even know why they would have a non-delivering doctor see pregnant patients. And I can't imagine seeing her as my gyno if that's how she is with pregnant women. My favorite doctor in the practice probably had her baby over the last week, so she won't be back until March. I'd love to make all of my appointments with her but since any one of 4 doctors will be the one on call when I go into labor, I figure I better get used to them. At least, I tried to do that.

Money money money. Nobody ever has enough. I think I found a way to pay for daycare once the baby comes, but there won't really be anything to spare. I don't think our debts are that ridiculously out of whack from what the average Joe has these days, yet it seems we never get ahead. We were looking at real estate for sale and found one that suited Brian's needs, although the location was less than desirable. How sad it was to realize it was a stretch we couldn't make when you factor in the daycare we'll have to pay for. We're not talking big bucks here; it's just that the real estate market is so crazy right now that starter homes are outside of the reach of those who need them. And I will NEVER own a multifamily again. It works great in theory, but it never worked out that way for us. Everything's hunky-dory if you get paid every month, but we seemed to have a vacancy in one or the other apartment the whole time we owned the place. So much turnover and so few desirable renters out there. I hate renting. I really do. I want to be able to do whatever I want with where I live...it's just out of reach right now. I don't know...we must be doing something wrong. There may be an opening in another department at work that works 5 more hours a week than mine does, so I may transfer if the opportunity arises. It will suck to have to learn a new job right before having a baby, but we could really use the money. Money money money.

I wore a maternity shirt to work for the first time today. I was hoping nobody would notice, but they did right away. At least I met their approval; nobody seemed to think I was wearing it too soon. I don't really need the maternity shirts yet, it's just that my regular ones are getting shorter and shorter and I want to make sure that demi panel is covered on my bottoms. Maybe it has to do with the absolutely horrible 8 lbs I've gained so far. Never mind the fact that I had 2 holidays to contend with (3 if you count New Year's) since I got pregnant. 8 lbs in 16 weeks doesn't seem that bad to me...that would average out to 20 lbs over the entire pregnancy. But apparently it's just way to much. I guess I'm going to be a huge heifer by the end of this pregnancy if I don't watch out and eat more veggies/fruits and get up off my butt and exercise more... Of course, I don't think 20 lbs would be all that bad. Isn't average 25 lbs? Oh well...

Which reminds me. Why the heck does my butt, hips, and back hurt so much already??? Isn't it a bit early for this? I've been trying to sleep on my side lately since I know I will have no choice soon, but my hips hurt like heck. Darn spring mattress! And I've noticed at work that when I sit too long, my butt hurts, too, when I get up. My tailbone, to be more specific. My lower back has been bothering me since before I got my BFP, which is hugely different than my pregnancy with Arabella. Quite annoying, too. I thought I would have had some respite from these aches and pains in early pregnancy, but I guess not. Only 24 more weeks of them to deal with....let's hope!

Doctors...

Back from my doctor's appointment. I didn't get see the doctor I was supposed to, Dr. K. Instead, I saw Dr. F, one of the non-delivering doctors in the practice. I did not like her at all. She rushed through the appointment and lectured the whole time. Apparently, I'm not eating well enough, I'm not exercising enough, and my questions are stupid. Never mind the fact that the last time I tried to go the gym, I almost vomitted on the equipment - she says it will make me feel better. And I guess I never knew my food groups either since she went through each one of them. You mean fat isn't on the bottom of the food pyramid? Duh! She seemed irritated that I had any questions at all, and brushed it all off as normal. She wouldn't even check out this "irritation" I've been having; just told me to try an OTC solution and call them if it didn't work. I didn't bother trying to get an ultrasound out of her...there would have been no point. Hopefully I will get to see Dr. K next time when I go for "the big ultrasound" as well. February 2nd. 4 more weeks. I can make it, right? The rest of my questions will have to wait until then, too. No point in asking questions about delivery options of one who doesn't deliver.

Back to Work

After a lovely hiatus of nearly a week and a half, it's back to work for me today. Yuck. I've gotten so used to sleeping in until "A Baby Story" is on TLC at 9AM, and staying up until nearly midnight. I've always been a night owl and never a morning person so this suited me well. I've also gotten used to spending all day with our dog, and she's pretty clingy so I have a feeling she will take this hard. I take her just about everywhere I can with me, so she really hates it when I have to go to work and leave her behind by herself. And of course, I don't particularly like my job to begin with, so it makes it even harder to return to it after being away so long. But return I must...if nothing else, I need the insurance for a safe delivery of Peep in June.

I also have my monthly OB appointment this afternoon. I've decided to try to convince him to take a peek in there and see how many babies there are. I'd like some time to prepare myself if there are two Peeps in there, although I really think there's only one - I just want to be sure. So hopefully he cooperates, although I'm not counting on it... I'll update when I return!

Allow Me To Elaborate

The following comment was in regards to the last statement I made yesterday about the miscarriage dreams being worse than the real thing.

I have to disagree... After 6 miscarriages, I would rather dream one than have one... Seriously.

Which made me think... I must not have expressed myself correctly in the first place, because I certainly wouldn't rather have a miscarriage than dream about one. So what did I really mean?

My miscarriage was a "missed abortion." The actual experience wasn't very real for me. I bled for only an hour or two, and not very heavily. When I called the doctor's office that Saturday, they weren't especially concerned and told me to just rest over the weekend and come in Monday morning for an ultrasound. So I did as I was told, and the bleeding stopped. By Monday morning, I was expecting to see the little one's heart beating away...it was nothing like a "textbook" miscarriage, and so I was totally unprepared for the news that the baby had died. I ended up having a D&C that day because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. Septicemia was one concern. The other was that I did not want to go through the actual experience of my body rejecting our child. I could not face it. I wanted the "procedure" to be over as quickly as possible so I could move on. And then I grieved over that decision later; I had no finality. I never saw our baby. I never got to really say goodbye. I have no real memories of that baby, nothing to distinguish the experience from anything more than a dream. I experienced a loss that was intangible, which made it even more difficult to justify my tears to my husband since it was even less real for him.

I don't wish a miscarriage on anyone. And I hope I don't have to go through it again. So these vivid dreams (the first one several weeks ago including much blood and being so real that I was confused when I woke up and thought I had really lost our little Peep) have really affected me. Maybe it's karma for not going through it naturally with Arabella. For thinking I could escape the most horrid moments of it by having a D&C. So the thoughts and experiences of miscarriage play themselves over and over again in my dreams, so real it's like it's happening every time I dream it. All the "stuff" I tried to avoid chasing me down when I'm most vulnerable. Making sure I never forget. Making sure I never feel too comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead of having the actual experience and it being over-with (so to speak), instead I get to relive it repeatedly...

As I said, I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. A dream is always better than the reality. But the dreams are plaguing me... I misspoke and I apologize to any who were offended or upset by what I said. But you have to understand that the dreams are no better when they feel so real and they allow fear to keep creeping into the picture, preventing true happiness and contentedness from ever settling in.

Bad Dreams Again...

I slept horribly last night. The people upstairs had a party while we were out, and I guess they decided 1-2AM was a great time to clean up after it. All the thumping and heavy-footed walking made it extremely difficult for me to sleep. I had a lot of dreams (which explains why I feel terrible today - I obviously had poor quality sleep). The most vivid was another one of those things that tends to come with pregnancy, but it was just plain horrible.

I dreamt of miscarriage again... One that consisted of no blood, so I had no idea it was happening. I just went to the bathroom and the next thing I knew, there was an embryonic sac in the toilet with 2 fetuses (or is that feti?) in it. I wasn't all that upset in the dream; it was like I was expecting it to happen. I just scooped them up and brought them to the doctor's office to be sure I was seeing correctly. Then I woke up.

Twins...it's been on my mind a lot lately. Can you tell? Twins sharing the same sac is pretty rare, yet it still manifested itself in my dreams. Ever since the doctor said "I wonder if we should check if there are two in there?" I can't stop thinking about it. What made her wonder that at that time? I kept making excuses to myself why it couldn't possibly be true... I don't have a huge preggo belly still, my symptoms haven't been that bad (they haven't been great either, but most of the time women who are pregnant with multiples have intensified symptoms), and I did have that ultrasound at 7 weeks. The tech said nothing of 2 in there at that time, although I swear I saw two heart-like pulses on the screen. And slowly but surely, each of my excuses has been removed. I spoke with one of my aunts who had twins nearly 17 years ago. A tall and very thin woman all of her life, she said she did not get big at all with the boys. Most people had no idea there were twins in there, and those who did worried that they weren't growing properly. She also had very mild symptoms. Then last night, another aunt told me of a friend of hers who had twins and they didn't find out until quite late because one was behind the other when the ultrasound was done early on. I guess anything is possible...

So are there 2 in there? I'm debating trying to get the OB to do an ultrasound at my appointment on Monday. I'm not due for the 20 week ultrasound for 4.5 more weeks - I don't know if I can wait that long to find out. Obviously it's affecting my subconscious... But will the doctor cooperate? Or will he just brush it off as typical pregnant lady lunacy? I guess I'll just have to wait until Monday to find out what happens next. All I know is, I don't want to have another dream like the one I had last night. Going through a miscarriage is bad enough, but having dreams like that is ten times worse.