Welcome to My World!

My insanity has stepped up a level. Late Wednesday night, as the hour drew closer to midnight, I found myself hunched over the kitchen table typing away madly on my iBook. In a frenzy, I tried google, Yahoo, and even eBay. No matter where I turned, I couldn't find what I sought: a stroller.

Let's step back a bit. I am the ultimate planner. I like to have everything laid out so there are no surprises. This, of course, made it even more difficult to deal with my miscarriage in July-I hate losing control of the situation. But that's a story for another time. In May, before I was even pregnant, I already had set up my baby registry with Babies 'R Us. I wanted to ensure I covered all my bases, that nothing would be forgotten during that mindless haze of pregnancy. I also wanted to make sure that, should anyone decide to purchase gifts early, everything would work with my plan.

After my pregnancy was confirmed in June, we went car seat shopping. At first, I was leery of embarking on such a venture. I can be quite superstitious, and it seemed that shopping for a child that I had only recently conceived was an invitation for the worst to happen. However, I had a rather small convertible at the time and I needed to know if a child seat would fit in it. The car was almost paid off and if we could get the seat to fit, it would be great to start out the baby's life without a car payment. If it did not fit, I would need to sell the car right away as convertibles tend not to sell well during New England winters (which is when the baby was due). So off we went to Babies 'R Us. This was my first outing into a strictly babies store. I was like a kid in the candy store; I couldn't decide what I wanted to look at first! While we were there, we decided to check out the strollers that you can turn into travel systems with the car seats. We found a Graco model that suited our needs and had all the features we liked, so we purchased the matching car seat. Neither were cheap, so I promptly added the stroller (along with all of the other matching products in the line) to my registry.

A couple of days after my miscarriage in July, I had one of those thoughts that you wonder where the heck it came from, it being so inappropriate for the moment in which I had it. I was online wiping out all evidence of my Babies 'R Us registry. I didn't want to stumble across any painful reminders of the child we lost and was in the process of removing all of those reminders from view. I got to the stroller and paused for a moment. What if the stroller wasn't available anymore once I finally had a baby? Then I would have a car seat that didn't match-the horror of that!! I pondered the situation for a few minutes, considering buying it right then and there. Finally, I regained my senses and deleted the rest of the registry. After all, what did it matter? In the grand scheme of things, isn't it more important to have a healthy child? Who cares if the accessories don't match... I didn't think about it again.

That is, until said Wednesday night. I don't know why, but all of the sudden, I was overtaken by this desire to check the price of the stroller to see if it had come down any. In the past week or two, I've started being drawn back to all things baby. I browse baby sections in stores; I search for baby merchandise in catalogs; I have even checked out baby products on eBay. So I clicked on the Babies 'R Us link and selected Travel System Strollers. My stroller was nowhere to be found. I panicked. I searched the website for all products made by Evenflo. I still couldn't find it. I also couldn't remember for the life of me what the name of the pattern was for my stroller. In a moment of inspiration, I decided to browse eBay, figuring everything turns up on eBay at some point. In spite of that usual rule, it wasn't in the 186 listings eBay had for strollers. Now rather upset, I went into the baby's room (the room where all the baby stuff was packed up, hidden in a corner where I wouldn't encounter it on a daily basis) and unpacked the car seat, searching for some indication of the name of the pattern. That car seat didn't offer any clues other than the word Graco on the handle. Returning to the computer, I now tried the search engines, looking for websites that included the words "Graco stroller," as that was the only way I could figure out to find it. I did find a review for my stroller...the Metrolite LE. Aha! We're getting somewhere! However, every time I clicked on an e-tailer that offered it, it showed up in a different color scheme. Somewhere in my search, I did find the pattern name finally: Colby. I returned to Babies 'R Us and searched for "Colby," and on the screen there it appeared, the elusive stroller. It was only after it popped up that I realized my first mistake: I searched for Evenflo the first time, but it was made by Graco. The 2nd mistake was that it wasn't listed with the travel systems, but that was the only category I browsed. Relief spread throughout my body, removing the tension of the panicked search. I had found my stroller. It wasn't gone after all. I resolved at that moment to buy it now before it was discontinued.

The next morning, I reflected on my insanity of the night before (because that's the only way to explain it). Here I am, without child and, most likely, not pregnant. Yet, it was so important to me the night before to find that darn stroller and I stayed up an extra hour to seek it out. When I couldn't find it at first, I was actually devastated-over a stroller. What has happened to me? I used to be quite sensible. Now I'm going crazy over baby accessories for a baby that I don't have! And as I reflected, I realized this isn't the first time. Little by little over the past couple weeks, I've started hoarding baby items again. Books here and there, toys every once in a while, always a little something for the little one to be. Where has my mind gone? Isn't there enough stuff in the house from the first baby? I have two cases of diapers taking up space in another corner of the baby's room (which does double duty as our office) due to my planning. What am I thinking?

Without any answers to these questions, or any control over myself, the insanity will be elevated this afternoon when I will drive almost an hour to Babies 'R Us to buy that stroller. After all, there will be a baby someday, right? Might as well ensure I don't spend any nights in the future frantically searching for the stroller again. Maybe it will put my mind at ease, if only for a little while...