Unhappy Ramblings

I'm such a complainer, I know. It seems I can't go long without something to complain about. But it seems like a lot is really bothering me right now, and I have to get it off my chest somehow and somewhere.

As I mentioned on FF this evening, I came home from class to find that DH had deposited himself in front of the television, yet again, for another night of vegetating and browsing the internet. I had been gone 3 hours. I don't know why, but every week I go to class, I get all hopeful that DH will make some grand gesture while I'm away and actually do something around the house to help out since he never does when I'm home. Every week, I return to find a bigger mess. Both of us work full time, although I do work less hours a week; but I also work late every Thursday night and I have a class. Somehow somewhere in our relationship, we shifted from sharing the work to me doing all of the housework. It's probably due to all those times it was his turn to do the dishes and, after a week of them piling up, I couldn't bear it anymore and did them myself. Or when we were dating and I offered to do his laundry from time to time. I should have known better. Now, I'm the wife, the accountant (I pay all the bills and handle the checkbook), the chef, the maid, and the one who provides half of our income...and we're working on me becoming the mommy, too, which we all know is a full time job that never ends. Being all emotional over everything else right now, I had it when I got home. I gave him a piece of my mind so he at least knew why I was upset, only to get a response of "I was busy." Doing what, I have no idea... So I went off to our room to be alone, as I didn't want to say anything I would regret.

About an hour later, round 2 started. This time it started with DH yelling at me for being upset about Arabella again. He complained that I seem to be "coming up with" some new reason all the time to be upset and that I should just move on. Move on. Apparently I'm supposed to pretend it never happened, too, since it irritates him so much when I'm mopey or sad. It's only been 2 months, but DH said it's unhealthy for me to be thinking about it all the time and I need to get on with my life. You have to understand that, as a youth, I had a lot of problems with depression. I tried to commit suicide twice; when the school counselor called my parents when I was in 7th grade (the 1st time) to tell them about it, they laughed it off, saying I'm melodramatic and I was just trying to get attention. The 2nd time was after I met DH. I think I was 18 or 19 at the time. DH doesn't like to think about my past and any time I bring it up, he gets really irritated and changes the subject. I've come a long way since then, but I've also learned that I can't just forget about the things that bother me. That's how it festers and then I end up doing something drastic. And to be honest, while I've been sad lately, it is nowhere near the depressions I've fallen into in my past. Instead of acknowledging the fact that I have a propensity to this, DH's solution is always to ignore what's going on and just move on with everything. I've tried to tell him before that is not healthy and is not right for me. But I'm rambling...

So now I get upset because he's telling me to forget and get on with my life. That really hurt. And I do not exaggerate when I say that he was yelling at me at this point, which really drove it home. He continues on to rhetorically ask why we are even trying again if I am this upset, why even have children at all. That was it... I was so furious with him for what he said, upset for the memory of Arabella, and quite simply, an emotional wreck at that point, that I started to wonder why I would want to have children with a man who is not only so quick to forget his own, but is upset that I haven't. I go back to the bedroom to be alone. Minutes later, DH comes in trying to make up. He says he's sorry, but not what for. It's like when a child says he's sorry because he knows he's in trouble, but he really isn't...he's just trying to get forgiveness. Then we get into the same old thing every time I get upset about the housework....he says he loves me...I say he doesn't show it...he says he will...and usually, nothing ever happens. Same bull, different day. After how many times he's done this, it's no wonder why I've grown skeptical. There aren't any actions to show he cares, he just says he does when I get upset with him. And that's an even longer story...

I know TTC is stressful, as is a miscarriage, but this is getting to be a bit much. I have my sad moments, but most of the time they move on and I try to find something positive to focus on. Today, it was the fact that I was having fertile CM and so I was excited about trying again (this was after work, before the big blow out). What really gets me is that when I am sad or upset, which really doesn't last very long, I always get treated this way. It just doesn't seem right to me... And now, I'm really bothered by all of this, especially now that I know how he feels about our loss. I guess to him, nothing was lost. He never saw the heartbeat because he wasn't able to make it to my 1st ultrasound. He didn't experience any of the physical symptoms of pregnancy like I did. And I never did grow a belly for him to have any evidence of it. Maybe it's just easier that way... without any real evidence before him, other than the + HPT, it was easy for him to forget and move on, pretend it never happened. But that just seems so wrong to me... And I'm not sure what to do about it.