Well ladies, AF finally hit the road last night. Funny how just over a week ago I was impatiently awaiting her arrival, and by Monday I had had enough and couldn't wait for her to leave so I could get on with it. Part of it was, of course, because she was a really unruly bitch this time. I have never had such a painful AF in my life, and I've been visited by her since I was 10! I had such excrutiating back pain that I could barely walk for at least 2 days of her visit this time. TMI, I know, but the flow was a lot more than usual, too. Oddly, it was heavy all the way up until the end with only a slight amount of spotting...normally, I only have heavy AF for 2-3 days with another 2-3 days of spotting.
Alright, enough of that. So now I'm on CD 8 and I can't wait to get closer to O time. I really shouldn't be wishing my life away like this. Once I get past O, I'll just be impatiently passing the time until I can test or AF arrives, and then the whole cycle will start all over again. What a horrible way to spend my life. So, I'm trying to keep busy. I'm going hiking tomorrow. Next weekend is my birthday (which I may be O'ing around then...I can think of the perfect way to keep busy that day! ;) ). We'll probably be going to a local fair that weekend, but I also got my notice of the annual end of season sale at Collinsville Kayak & Canoe, so I may drop by over there for the seminars and to check out the merchandise. THEN the following weekend (which, if all goes well, should be close to 7 DPO) my sister and I are taking our mom to New York City as a belated birthday present. It's a surprise; she only knows not to make any plans that day but doesn't have a clue what we've planned. Just like we did with my cousin who got married in June (which that was also a very successful surprise!), we're taking her to see "Naked Boys Singing" ~ and yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. The last time I saw it, I was 5 weeks pregnant but nobody other than my sister knew. She worried about me all day long; in fact, she and my DH are convinced it was my shameless continuance of normal everyday activities that caused my miscarriage. But I'll get into that later... It's an off-Broadway musical that is hysterical. I'm looking forward to a day in the city; it should keep my mind off of things. After that, I'll just have to use my willpower. I have my new patient consultation with my new OB/Gyn on October 18th... With any luck, I'll have some good news before then.
Now, to elaborate on that comment above. You see, a week after the June NYC trip, said cousin got married. At her wedding, I danced and had a good time. DH is not a dancer at all and pretty much sat and watched. He and my sister watched me constantly, actually, both of them extremely concerned about my "delicate condition" at the time. At one point, my sister thought I had had enough and called my DH over to pull me off the dance floor. Yes, you are reading that correctly. I was mortified. Remember, nobody knew yet other than our parents and my sister. The day after the wedding, I started spotting. All I could think of was how DH and my sister told me I was overdoing it the day before and that they were right, so I didn't tell him right away. I didn't want him to be able to flaunt an "I told you so" after that. A few days later, when the spotting didn't go away, I finally told him. The first thing he thought of was the wedding... and he made me promise not to withhold information anymore. Fast forward to yesterday... We've been talking about the ski season a lot lately, and DH is signing up for a ski clinic in mid December. I can't sign up because I have no idea if I will be pg or not. But I asked him if he thought it would be okay to ski the really easy green trails if I ended up being pg during the clinic. He was not happy. This is a touchy subject anyway because there is much disagreement in the skiing community as to whether or not it is safe to ski while pg...some women ski all the way into their 3rd trimesters, but DH didn't want to hear it. He said that I am obviously more fragile than most and have to be a lot more careful in the future. I had to think about that for a minute. Was he blaming me for what happened? Or at least, my body? Does he think I'm defective? I told him that we don't know why I had a m/c, but it could have been my PCOS and I'm on medication for that now. He stood by his comment that I need to be more careful than most people. I thought he was restrictive before, but it sounds like it's only going to be worse next time around! (And just to be clear, he wasn't referring just to the skiing, which I agree is risky and probably wouldn't do it anyway... he meant in general I need to be more careful and am generally more fragile when it comes to pregnancy.) I really don't know what to make of this. Even when I blamed my body for what happened, I never thought of myself as being any more delicate than anyone else. And really, does he think my dancing and walking around NYC all day were the causes of our loss? He's never really said... He doesn't like to talk about it. Whenever I bring it up, he changes the subject and says I should stop thinking about it.
Boy, did I go off on a tangent!
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5 years ago
3 comments:
I think we all go through a period after our miscarriages where we think, "Was it something I did?" Mine was eating soft, white cheese at a party. The next Monday we discovered there was no heartbeat--I thought of the cheese and then a litany of other things. I think this is a normal part of the healing process, but I imagine that it must be shocking and a bit hurtful, maybe, to have someone else suspecting that it might be something you did. It wasn't. It was most likely your PCOS or a random mismatch of chromosomes. I doubt that dancing and walking had anything to do with it. I know that you know that you know that. Sometimes you have to remind yourself, though.
On a side note, I winced as I read your comment on my blog.I am so, so sorry that you aren't able to experience pregnancy side by side with me. Especially since your due date is my birthday (and my husbands). I'm crossing my fingers for a successful cycle for you this time around! That would be a great bday gift.
I know my life was divided into two week increments two weeks before O two weeks after and its so awful. I'm glad you'll be keeping yourself busy, that's the best thing to do. Enjoy NYC and the naked singing dudes!
In no way did you cause that miscarriage!!! There are women out there smoking, drinking, and doing drugs while pregnant, and their pregnancies continue! A little dancing, celebrating, and walking in NYC could not have caused this. Think of all the miscarriages in Manhattan if walking the pavement too much caused miscarriage??!!!!
Pregnancies are either going to work out or not. Very little that we do actually determine the outcome. You can't blame yourself, and I'm actually a little angry at your dh and sister for thinking that way. I know that it is just fear talking. But I promise you that if you had laid on your butt the entire time eating sterilized food, you couldn't have prevented the miscarriage. It wasn't your fault!
Ok, I'm getting off my soapbox now.
I hope that you have a wonderful time in NYC!
Naked boys singing! Now THAT sounds fun. I should go see that too. Just saying hi!
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