Unhappy Ramblings

I'm such a complainer, I know. It seems I can't go long without something to complain about. But it seems like a lot is really bothering me right now, and I have to get it off my chest somehow and somewhere.

As I mentioned on FF this evening, I came home from class to find that DH had deposited himself in front of the television, yet again, for another night of vegetating and browsing the internet. I had been gone 3 hours. I don't know why, but every week I go to class, I get all hopeful that DH will make some grand gesture while I'm away and actually do something around the house to help out since he never does when I'm home. Every week, I return to find a bigger mess. Both of us work full time, although I do work less hours a week; but I also work late every Thursday night and I have a class. Somehow somewhere in our relationship, we shifted from sharing the work to me doing all of the housework. It's probably due to all those times it was his turn to do the dishes and, after a week of them piling up, I couldn't bear it anymore and did them myself. Or when we were dating and I offered to do his laundry from time to time. I should have known better. Now, I'm the wife, the accountant (I pay all the bills and handle the checkbook), the chef, the maid, and the one who provides half of our income...and we're working on me becoming the mommy, too, which we all know is a full time job that never ends. Being all emotional over everything else right now, I had it when I got home. I gave him a piece of my mind so he at least knew why I was upset, only to get a response of "I was busy." Doing what, I have no idea... So I went off to our room to be alone, as I didn't want to say anything I would regret.

About an hour later, round 2 started. This time it started with DH yelling at me for being upset about Arabella again. He complained that I seem to be "coming up with" some new reason all the time to be upset and that I should just move on. Move on. Apparently I'm supposed to pretend it never happened, too, since it irritates him so much when I'm mopey or sad. It's only been 2 months, but DH said it's unhealthy for me to be thinking about it all the time and I need to get on with my life. You have to understand that, as a youth, I had a lot of problems with depression. I tried to commit suicide twice; when the school counselor called my parents when I was in 7th grade (the 1st time) to tell them about it, they laughed it off, saying I'm melodramatic and I was just trying to get attention. The 2nd time was after I met DH. I think I was 18 or 19 at the time. DH doesn't like to think about my past and any time I bring it up, he gets really irritated and changes the subject. I've come a long way since then, but I've also learned that I can't just forget about the things that bother me. That's how it festers and then I end up doing something drastic. And to be honest, while I've been sad lately, it is nowhere near the depressions I've fallen into in my past. Instead of acknowledging the fact that I have a propensity to this, DH's solution is always to ignore what's going on and just move on with everything. I've tried to tell him before that is not healthy and is not right for me. But I'm rambling...

So now I get upset because he's telling me to forget and get on with my life. That really hurt. And I do not exaggerate when I say that he was yelling at me at this point, which really drove it home. He continues on to rhetorically ask why we are even trying again if I am this upset, why even have children at all. That was it... I was so furious with him for what he said, upset for the memory of Arabella, and quite simply, an emotional wreck at that point, that I started to wonder why I would want to have children with a man who is not only so quick to forget his own, but is upset that I haven't. I go back to the bedroom to be alone. Minutes later, DH comes in trying to make up. He says he's sorry, but not what for. It's like when a child says he's sorry because he knows he's in trouble, but he really isn't...he's just trying to get forgiveness. Then we get into the same old thing every time I get upset about the housework....he says he loves me...I say he doesn't show it...he says he will...and usually, nothing ever happens. Same bull, different day. After how many times he's done this, it's no wonder why I've grown skeptical. There aren't any actions to show he cares, he just says he does when I get upset with him. And that's an even longer story...

I know TTC is stressful, as is a miscarriage, but this is getting to be a bit much. I have my sad moments, but most of the time they move on and I try to find something positive to focus on. Today, it was the fact that I was having fertile CM and so I was excited about trying again (this was after work, before the big blow out). What really gets me is that when I am sad or upset, which really doesn't last very long, I always get treated this way. It just doesn't seem right to me... And now, I'm really bothered by all of this, especially now that I know how he feels about our loss. I guess to him, nothing was lost. He never saw the heartbeat because he wasn't able to make it to my 1st ultrasound. He didn't experience any of the physical symptoms of pregnancy like I did. And I never did grow a belly for him to have any evidence of it. Maybe it's just easier that way... without any real evidence before him, other than the + HPT, it was easy for him to forget and move on, pretend it never happened. But that just seems so wrong to me... And I'm not sure what to do about it.

Hey!

Boy do I feel jipped! Mia's horoscope link gave me the same horoscope today... Hmmmm.... Maybe the message was just sooo important for me to pay attention to that I had to read it twice? :)

I've actually been pretty down this week. It was supposed to be a milestone week for me. I know, I sound like a broken record. But all I can think of is how excited I was when I counted out the weeks and found that 20 weeks would have been September 30th, only days before my 27th birthday. My birthday present was supposed to be that special gender-determining ultrasound. Instead, I have an empty womb for my birthday. Can I exchange it for something else? The only redeeming factor is that I may be ovulating any day now, so there's some hope... It's just that I would rather be 20 weeks pregnant right now like I would have been had I not miscarried in July. What a downer I am this week...

I'll just have to keep myself busy. I have a plethora of options to keep me busy this weekend, from the kayak and canoe end of season sale, to kayaking demonstrations at White Memorial Conservation Center, and the Harwinton Fair that I've meant to go to for years now. I'll do my best to eat and be merry this weekend and hopefully it will help me move on instead of looking back all the time.

Interesting Thought for The Day

I was browsing the blogs today, as I'm apt to do, and I came across Mia's upgrades to hers. (Nice job!) For the heck of it, I figured I'd check out my horoscope. I don't usually put much stock in that since how could all the people born in a particular 30-day span have the same destiny on any given day? But today's was rather interesting...

Sometimes illusions need to be dropped and this may be one of those times. But from the ashes of this loss can come the seed for another dream, one worth investing considerable effort in at this time. By being willing to let go of the old fantasies, you can create a positive environment for building new dreams.

Hmmm... Creepy, isn't it? Especially that second line. Now there's something to ponder all day.

Blah Blah Blah

It's been one of those lazy kind of weekends around our house. We were inspired to go for a hike, but never managed to lace up the boots. Both yesterday and this mornings, we didn't even roll out of bed until after 9AM (although, in our defense, we did stay up until about 1AM the nights before). I hate a wasted weekend. I'm one of those people who goes on vacation and crams in as much as possible while there, oftentimes waking up earlier than I do at home so I can see and do as much as possible while I'm there. It's not that I don't know how to relax; it's more that I'm not always comfortable with sitting idle and just letting my brain wander. I know it's a defense mechanism, but most of the time I just don't feel like facing what's really on my mind. If I keep busy, I don't have to think about it. I think most people do this, to some extent. It is, of course, why I have mini mental breakdowns from time to time, but I deal with them when they crop up. No big deal.

So when I finally did manage to leave the house yesterday, I did have a mission to accomplish. The first was to replace our printer. Not that it's old or anything, in fact we got the Lexmark a little over two years ago. But it's one of those all-in-one jobbies, you know those things that can do 4 functions but doesn't do any single one of them well. I was getting really irritated with it not scanning or printing photos well. DH reminded me that since all-in-ones have that tendency, to look for a separate printer and scanner next time. I was also irritated that the Lexmark never did work with our network so I wasn't able to print directly from my iBook to it. I had to send the files to the PC and then go over to the PC and print from there. Instead of having a financial overload, I did take it easy and only buy a printer...except, I bought one that was about $80 more than I planned on spending. I'm one of those feature freaks; if it has a few extra features and only costs a little bit more, I get that model instead figuring it's a better value. The printer I bought can print directly on CDs and DVDs. Cool, huh? I have no idea if I'll ever use that. But it is compatible with my iBook, at least, and it's supposed to print phenomenal photos, so I'm happy.

From there we headed over to Pier 1. I finally convinced DH that our couch is too big and it's time to get a smaller one. We got the big couch when we lived in an apartment that had a HUGE living room. The one where we live now is only about 12'x14'...not big enough for a huge leather sectional. Plus, we have a bunch of junk in what I refer to as the baby's room (even though there's no baby yet or anymore) and I'd really like to reorganize that room. As much as DH hates Pier 1, he went in to look with me. We did find a couch that I like (DH isn't fond of anything from Pier 1, but did agree that the fabric and color were at least kid friendly). Since we only had my Blazer last night, though, we couldn't buy it then. We're going back today before my cousin's daughter's birthday party with DH's pickup truck to get it. Our old couch will be donated to the local Salvation Army. I feel like I've done something this weekend now, at least!

But you see, DH is a gear hound and as much of a shopper as I am, if not more. He always complains that I get to spend money on myself and he never does. That is, until we step into EMS. Then he's like a kid in a candy store. Last night he ended up adding another pack with all the bells and whistles and a pair of sandals (the first he has ever purchased in the 9 years I've known him). Why do I say "another pack"? Well, because he already has a daypack, a winter rucksack, and an overnight pack. You really don't need more than that, especially with the kind of hiking we do. But DH can't ever get enough...he's more of a packrat than I am. So I told him if he bought it, he'd have to get rid of one of the others. That's the new rule...can't bring anything in until you take something out. He's so funny, though!

Well, I'm off... I have a lot to do today before that party! Sorry for the drivel today but I figured I'd better add something. If nothing else, it gives you background as to how utterly normal (and boring) I can be. :)

Why Is Patience a Virtue?

Well ladies, AF finally hit the road last night. Funny how just over a week ago I was impatiently awaiting her arrival, and by Monday I had had enough and couldn't wait for her to leave so I could get on with it. Part of it was, of course, because she was a really unruly bitch this time. I have never had such a painful AF in my life, and I've been visited by her since I was 10! I had such excrutiating back pain that I could barely walk for at least 2 days of her visit this time. TMI, I know, but the flow was a lot more than usual, too. Oddly, it was heavy all the way up until the end with only a slight amount of spotting...normally, I only have heavy AF for 2-3 days with another 2-3 days of spotting.

Alright, enough of that. So now I'm on CD 8 and I can't wait to get closer to O time. I really shouldn't be wishing my life away like this. Once I get past O, I'll just be impatiently passing the time until I can test or AF arrives, and then the whole cycle will start all over again. What a horrible way to spend my life. So, I'm trying to keep busy. I'm going hiking tomorrow. Next weekend is my birthday (which I may be O'ing around then...I can think of the perfect way to keep busy that day! ;) ). We'll probably be going to a local fair that weekend, but I also got my notice of the annual end of season sale at Collinsville Kayak & Canoe, so I may drop by over there for the seminars and to check out the merchandise. THEN the following weekend (which, if all goes well, should be close to 7 DPO) my sister and I are taking our mom to New York City as a belated birthday present. It's a surprise; she only knows not to make any plans that day but doesn't have a clue what we've planned. Just like we did with my cousin who got married in June (which that was also a very successful surprise!), we're taking her to see "Naked Boys Singing" ~ and yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. The last time I saw it, I was 5 weeks pregnant but nobody other than my sister knew. She worried about me all day long; in fact, she and my DH are convinced it was my shameless continuance of normal everyday activities that caused my miscarriage. But I'll get into that later... It's an off-Broadway musical that is hysterical. I'm looking forward to a day in the city; it should keep my mind off of things. After that, I'll just have to use my willpower. I have my new patient consultation with my new OB/Gyn on October 18th... With any luck, I'll have some good news before then.

Now, to elaborate on that comment above. You see, a week after the June NYC trip, said cousin got married. At her wedding, I danced and had a good time. DH is not a dancer at all and pretty much sat and watched. He and my sister watched me constantly, actually, both of them extremely concerned about my "delicate condition" at the time. At one point, my sister thought I had had enough and called my DH over to pull me off the dance floor. Yes, you are reading that correctly. I was mortified. Remember, nobody knew yet other than our parents and my sister. The day after the wedding, I started spotting. All I could think of was how DH and my sister told me I was overdoing it the day before and that they were right, so I didn't tell him right away. I didn't want him to be able to flaunt an "I told you so" after that. A few days later, when the spotting didn't go away, I finally told him. The first thing he thought of was the wedding... and he made me promise not to withhold information anymore. Fast forward to yesterday... We've been talking about the ski season a lot lately, and DH is signing up for a ski clinic in mid December. I can't sign up because I have no idea if I will be pg or not. But I asked him if he thought it would be okay to ski the really easy green trails if I ended up being pg during the clinic. He was not happy. This is a touchy subject anyway because there is much disagreement in the skiing community as to whether or not it is safe to ski while pg...some women ski all the way into their 3rd trimesters, but DH didn't want to hear it. He said that I am obviously more fragile than most and have to be a lot more careful in the future. I had to think about that for a minute. Was he blaming me for what happened? Or at least, my body? Does he think I'm defective? I told him that we don't know why I had a m/c, but it could have been my PCOS and I'm on medication for that now. He stood by his comment that I need to be more careful than most people. I thought he was restrictive before, but it sounds like it's only going to be worse next time around! (And just to be clear, he wasn't referring just to the skiing, which I agree is risky and probably wouldn't do it anyway... he meant in general I need to be more careful and am generally more fragile when it comes to pregnancy.) I really don't know what to make of this. Even when I blamed my body for what happened, I never thought of myself as being any more delicate than anyone else. And really, does he think my dancing and walking around NYC all day were the causes of our loss? He's never really said... He doesn't like to talk about it. Whenever I bring it up, he changes the subject and says I should stop thinking about it.

Boy, did I go off on a tangent!

Why Do I Do This to Myself?

I've been in the middle of a huge project. I am one of those people who takes photos all the time, so I probably have a few thousand photos even though I'm not quite 27 years old yet and don't have any children. My photos, while all put away in albums, were in a mish-mosh of albums with no unifying theme other than they were all cheap and easily obtained at Walmart, K-Mart, and other similar stores. I decided a couple weeks ago that this was an extremely poor treatment of my memories and I started transferring the photos over to high quality, archival albums. They cost about $15 each, instead of my typical $5-$8, but it's worth the money to be sure my photos will last a lifetime. I'm glad I did it, too, since I noticed as I transferred them over that some of my photos were sticking to pages in the cheap albums; left there much longer, they most certainly would have been destroyed.

The rough part came last night as I got to the photos from 1999. In 1998, one of my cousins had a child at the ripe old age of 15 years and 4 months. She is not the first in my family to have a child at the age of 15; in fact, her older sister did the same at the same age, only weeks after my 16th birthday. So even though I am the eldest of the cousins on my mother's side of my family, 2 of my cousins started their families long before I was even thinking about it. Being one of those amateur photographers, I have *tons* of photos of E (the child who was born in 1998). It really hurt going through those pictures, looking at that beautiful little baby and seeing how young my cousin was when she became a single mother (since the father was long gone shortly thereafter). I know it wasn't easy for her to raise a child while a child herself, but it just reinforces the injustice in the world. Here I am, a married adult with a husband who is a wonderful man and will make a fabulous father, we have the means to provide for a child and the extreme want in our hearts to share our lives with one. Yet, we lost our child. There must be some reason why it's happened this way that I haven't figured out yet. However, these photographs don't make things any easier. This past Sunday was the 2 month anniversary of my D&C, and next week is when I should have been finding out the gender of our child. I should have been nearly half way right now. Instead, I'm this mess. This coming Sunday will be the 6th birthday party for E. Normally, I would have been excited, but this year the event is colored by my own turmoil. Yes, life isn't fair, but why can't it be sometimes?

A Moment of Silence

I ask that everyone please observe a moment of silence in your day today in honor of Mia's son she lost, Justin David. He was with his family for a blink of an eye, but will live on in their hearts for an eternity.

A Very Special Friend

A very special friend I have made online is going through a very rough time right now. If you're reading this, I felt compelled to write this because I wanted you to know you are not alone in the world. There are many of us who care about you, even if we've never met in the flesh. All my best, sweetie...

The Witch Has Landed!

Finally, finally, finally, the ole hag found me today. Yup, Aunt Flow came by for a visit this afternoon and I'm hoping it's not a teaser. She couldn't have had better timing, either... I don't know how much longer I was going to last anxiously awaiting her arrival. I don't know how much lower I would have sunk emotionally, and I don't really want to think about it. I feel like I can finally move on now that my body is ready to and I'm looking forward to trying again this cycle. Hope has entered the picture once again!

(As a side note, I guess those pains I've been having for the last couple weeks must have been the witch gearing up for her arrival. I haven't decided yet if I'll cancel my doctor's appointment... I guess I'll wait and see how it goes this weekend and go from there.)

Finally! Something to celebrate!!

Pain, Pain, Go Away

I'm really not sure what to make of this. It occurred to me today that those aches/pains/cramps I've been having might be an indicator of a problem, especially since I'm not pregnant. I just assumed when I was having them that they were due to pregnancy, especially since I was also very nauseous at the time (which is apparently due to the Metformin). I probably wouldn't have thought of the cramps/aches anymore if they didn't get a little worse today. The backache started a few days ago, and now I'm having a dull pain in the pelvic area that isn't going away. I called my primary care physician's office (the one that ordered the blood test) to see if I could see the doctor in case this is an infection. The earliest she will see me is next Wednesday. I certainly hope it isn't an infection because I cringe to think of the kind of fertility damage that can be done by an infection that is allowed to continue to thrive. The good news is that I don't have a fever, so maybe it isn't...but who knows what will happen in the next week! Maybe my body is gearing up for a really horrible AF...but I've never had this much of a preparation before. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess if it gets worse, I'll have to go to the ER since my doctor won't see me. I sincerely hope it isn't anything because the last thing I need is an infection there since the OB who did my D&C said that could lead to fertility problems.

I'm So Confused!

Well, I've been set straight. It still sucks, but at least I think I know what's going on now. A couple fellow members of Fertility Friend who also have PCOS suggested that I probably didn't ovulate at all. The temperature shift I saw, which the FF software picked up as an ovulation thermal shift, was probably due to starting the drug Metformin 3 weeks ago. Apparently, as this drug regulates hormones, it also tends to cause a bit of an overall temperature rise which could confuse the FF software. So, I'm back to square one. At least I don't have to worry about how the heck it was that I ovulated and still didn't have AF so long afterwards... But it's still frustrating! I just want to be normal again!!

(Oh yeah, and the drinks last night were great! I can't remember the last time I've had a drink and I thoroughly enjoyed them! Might as well...)

Bartender!

Well, I called my doctor's office. The first time, someone picked up the phone and then immediately hung up on me. The second time, they said they didn't have my lab results back yet...the results that were supposed to be in on Monday. She said she'd call the lab and call me back. Only minutes later, I had my answer. Negative. I asked for the actual numbers and she said it was <1. Yup, that's a negative. I don't know why I'm 17 days past ovulation with no sign of Aunt Flow, but apparently she will be coming eventually. If I didn't have class tonight, I think I'd be out drowning my sorrows in a pitcher of margaritas....

The Moment of Truth Is Arriving!

After an excruitiating last 36 hours, today I will get the answer to my question. I don't know if I can manage to wait the next 2.5 hours before I'll be able to talk to my doctor's office. But I guess I have to. Still no signs of AF and I still have elevated temperatures. I'm now 17 days past ovulation. The Fertility Friend software will be proclaiming me as being most likely pregnant anyway if my temperature is still elevated tomorrow (which, if it has been for 17 days now, why wouldn't it be so tomorrow as well?), so all signs are pointing in the right direction--I just need verification. My husband even noticed that my skin is clearing up, something that happened the last time I got pregnant, so even he is convinced now. I hope I won't have to crush his hopes in a few hours.

For those who wondered, I did find a solution to the dental x-rays problem. At about 3AM on Tuesday when I was lying awake in bed because I was too nauseous to sleep, I remembered that there was a warning on my new medication to not have x-rays while on it. Since I had taken my dose only hours before, I couldn't have had x-rays even if I wasn't pregnant. It's so nice that a solution presented itself when I finally quieted down my mind and just plain listened. I'm glad I had that excuse, too, because I know what would have happened. Heck, my dentist even knew about my miscarriage and I only see him twice a year, so the grapevine is pretty active down there. I'm glad I was able to avert potential rumors from emerging from that office.

So now all I can do is wait. I've never been the patient sort, but now I have no choice. I will update once I get the results.

A Little Bit of Ranting....

Okay, here's the deal. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and am due for the annual x-rays. X-rays are very bad if you're pregnant, so I bit the bullet today and called my doctor's office for a blood test. It wasn't a matter of obsession at this point; it was a matter of health. I explained to the girl on the phone why I needed the *blood test* and she seemed to totally understand. She said she would fax over the order for STAT results. I took my lunch hour two hours early to beat the lunchtime rush at the hospital lab. As I was registering, I glanced at the paperwork my doctor's office sent over...they ordered the wrong test. Just like last time when I was pregnant, they ordered the urine test (which will give only a positive/negative and is oftentimes inaccurate) instead of the blood test (which gives an actual amount of the hCG that's in the blood, which is the pregnancy hormone for those who are not familiar with TTC). I spoke up and alerted the attendant to the problem, so she called up the doctor's office. Oops, I guess someone over there doesn't read the forms because the woman in my doctor's office didn't realize there was another test in another column on the form that wasn't listed under urinalysis (which, BTW, if I said I wanted a blood test, why would they think that would be listed under urinalysis???). The office was supposed to fax over a corrected order. In the meantime, they took 3 vials of blood to make sure there was enough and sent me on my merry way so I wouldn't be delayed by waiting for the paperwork. Lord knows what was on that final order when they got it...

Anyway, four hours later when I hadn't heard anything, I called my doctor's office. The woman on the phone put me on hold, checked who knows what, and then said they didn't have anything back on me yet. I explained to her the urgency of the situation and how I really needed results today since their office is closed on Tuesdays (yup, it was a one shot deal today!). She said she would call me as soon as they got the results, took down my cell phone number, and then went to verify my name but what she said wasn't my name at all. I should have said something then; obviously they wouldn't find my labs if they looked under the wrong name. Well, 5:00 came and went without a call. Their office closes at 5:00, but they have called me before as late as 7:00 with lab results, so I hadn't lost hope at that point. I made sure I had my cell phone with me at all times, checked the voicemail from a landline phone periodically, and even checked my machine at home just in case. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Not a word from their office, and it's now 9:00. So...now I'm in a difficult position. I didn't want to delay the x-rays unless absolutely necessary for two reasons. The first being that the hygienist is a family friend and I didn't want her blabbing about something that isn't even confirmed. The second being that if I'm not pregnant now, what if I become pregnant right before my next appointment and we have to go through this all over again. (I should explain that I am being somewhat overly cautious...Supposedly, dental x-rays are safe as long as they put the lead apron on your belly. But since I already lost one child, I'm not taking any chances with the next one. Oh yeah, and I made sure not to tell my doctor's office that they were dental x-rays in case they tried to brush that off.) But I guess I will have to.

I guess it's also time to take some action with my doctor's office, as this is becoming a nasty habit of theirs. They never call back with results even though they always say they will, they're always screwing up lab orders, and some of them are just plain rude. I love my doctor, but most of her staff is fairly incompetent in most of the experiences I've had with them. I'm trying not to obsess, honest, but under the circumstances I really needed to know. The fact that they acknowledged that, yet didn't come through, really irks me. Especially since the cycle I was pregnant, they got back to me with the blood test results within 2 hours (that was, of course, after they accidentally made me go through a urine test the week before that came up as a false negative and left a message on my answering machine at 7PM on Friday so I had to worry about it all weekend....). (sigh)

Thanks!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone. You all have been great in trying to keep me sane through the latest little breakdown I had. It really means a lot to me that you took the time to comment and offered soothing words of advice. My family doesn't understand, and my "real life" friends are all single, so I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this ordeal who would have some shred of sympathy for the situation. Most of my extended family were "oopses"--my siblings and I were all the products of alcohol and holiday parties--so the charting and obsessing is not something familiar to them.

I've been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of things. School is helping in one manner with that task, I've also increased the frequency of my workouts so most of the time, I'm just to tired to think about it. What's going on right now doesn't make any sense, but, as I've said before (as well as been reminded of recently ;) ), I just have to go with the flow. I don't have a choice in the matter. Why struggle against things over which we have no control? So, with renewed strength of spirit thanks to my friends in the cyber world, I resolve to try to not obsess quite so much. (Kind of weak, huh? It's a start...) I'm going out with a friend this afternoon who I haven't seen since before my miscarriage, and before you know it, we'll be back into the work week when I won't have so much time on my hands. And hopefully, my body will make a decision soon as to what it's planning on doing so I can get out of this limbo state and start thinking like a normal person again. :)

No More HPTs!

[Disclaimer: Those who have not been through the TTC process may find some of this to be too much information....]

I feel like such a baby right now... but I've had it with HPTs. I'm soooo nauseous that I almost vomited last night during my workout, and my temps on my chart are pretty good. It certainly looks like an implantation dip the other day, especially coupled with the very, very light spotting I had that lasted only a short while and then went away (and hasn't returned). Yet, all I get are BFNs. Clearblue Easy Earliest Results, First Response Early Result, and the test strips I bought from thefertilityshop.com are ganging up on me. I don't think I would be so upset if I wasn't able to get a faint BFP by now last time, hence my frustration. At 12 DPO last time, I not only had a + HPT, but a + doctor's office urine test as well. Sooooo... I guess it really is the medication that's causing my nausea. And I have no idea why I spotted for so short of a time the other day and my temps continue to be high even though they would normally go down if Aunt Flow (AF) was on the way. I promised myself I wouldn't do this to myself, that I wouldn't convince myself that I was pregnant so I wouldn't be too let down if I wasn't. But I guess with the symptoms I've had, it was hard not to get my hopes up.

In any case, no more HPTs for me. I'll just wait out AF now, because it's obvious that she is intended for me at some point in the probably near future. What a bummer...

Another Career Path

As I indicated in my original post, Meet and Greet, I have a multitude of interests that are constantly changing. I think this really drives my husband crazy sometimes, but he tries his best to tolerate it. Since I've met him, I've dabbled in learning auto repair (no lie!), worked for one day as a car salesperson, was a baker's assistant, considered becoming a police officer, thought about being an Assessor (which is actually directly related to my current job as a secretary in an Assessor's Office), and went back to school last Fall to pursue teaching secondary level English. This is only a small sampling of the constantly changing career options I've considered (on top of all of my other interests!), mind you.

After my miscarriage this July, I thought long and hard about my latest decision. I know many teachers, so I've become quite familiar with what is required of them, as well as the new "No Child Left Behind" law. While I agree all children should be well-educated, I don't agree with the way this law is executed. Knowing that, I decided that it would be ridiculous for me to get into a field that I don't currently agree with how it is run. (I'm cutting the explanation *real* short to save you from dying of boredom.) That was on top of all of the problems I was having with UCONN's various departments in actually keeping me enrolled and giving me financial aid. (I was also worried about the stress of taking classes while working full time being too much while TTC or pregnant.) I therefore withdrew from the B.A. English degree program at UCONN at the end of July after only completing 4 of the 20 courses I needed to take, not entirely sure if I would return.

I had a moment of epiphany over the holiday weekend, though. Brian and I always discuss moving somewhere isolated. The problem is, there aren't any jobs for which we are qualified. I have an Associate's degree in Liberal Arts & Sciences, but that doesn't get you the kind of jobs you find in "the country." I had many times joked about becoming a park ranger, but again, no qualifications. However, it seemed like a good idea... Everywhere we wanted to move was near a National Park. That was the one constant employer available to us. Then I remembered that the Community College I attended for my degree had a program in Recreational Leadership. It would result in an A.S. degree that might make it easier for me to obtain employment in a National Park in something other than food service or retail. The more I thought about it, the more perfect it seemed! I love the outdoors and am always embarking on activities that take me there, away from it all. What better way to ensure you enjoy your job than by combining it with something you already love?! And that has always been a problem for me... I can't be satisfied with money, because money doesn't matter to me. What matters most is whether or not I enjoy what I'm doing, and right now, I most certainly do not.

On a whim, I emailed the Admissions Office at my alma matter last night, asking about what would be required to enter into this program since I am a former student. I received a reply this morning; not only would it be super easy to be re-admitted, but (even though classes started a week ago) they said it would be no problem to get into classes this Fall if I wanted to! I wasn't expecting to go back right away... I figured, I would get the paperwork out of the way and start in the Spring Semester. But the idea is tempting... Classes are about 1/3 the cost of what they were at UCONN, so I could pay out of pocket without Financial Aid for 1 course at least. And I don't doubt that I could catch up from last week. But I have to make a decision today. The first class I'd have to take is held Wednesday nights, so I'd need to get all the paperwork done today. It won't be the end of the world if I wait until the Spring to start, but it would be nice to get one course out of the way. Hmmm.... Decisions, decisions!

(BTW, in case you couldn't tell, I'm also somewhat impulsive. When I see something I'm interested in, I immerse myself in it immediately and fully. There's nothing wrong with that, right? :) )

Not Quite Ready Yet ???

I guess my mission to Babies 'R Us was an ambitious one. You see, I still have difficulties in dealing with encounters with pregnant women and babies. I thought I was in control of that, but I should have known better. The last time I was in Babies 'R Us, the place was deserted. I guess I assumed it would be the same during the middle of the day on a Friday. However, quite the opposite was true. The place was mobbed with happy pregnant women blissfully choosing purchases for their babies to come and women with babies. Everywhere I turned, I bumped into one or the other. I almost ran to the stroller section, finding the one I needed exactly where I left it. However, the boxes were stacked high and I couldn't get one down by myself. I frantically searched for help. It was as if I was on one of those shopping gameshows; how quickly could I get out of there with the required item. Finally, I found a salesman who helped me get it down and into the cart. I raced for the registers, narrowly avoiding collisions with 2 pregnant ladies on the way. Unfortunately, I had to wait in line before I could leave, convincing me that Babies 'R Us was one of the circles of Dante's Inferno for women who have suffered miscarriages. I was so happy to be out of that store once the purchase was completed... I don't know why I thought I could handle that. Obviously, I'm not ready for that sort of "adventure" yet.

I had even more difficulties today at the family Labor Day picnic. One of my cousins was there with her 10 month old son. As happy as I should have been for her, I couldn't even bear to look at her son for most of the picnic. It once again felt like life was mocking me. However, near the end, her little boy took control of the situation. The grip of his tiny hand on my fingers as he attempted to walk over to me won me over. What was I so afraid of? Why am I so jealous? Look at this adorable little child with which they have been blessed. It was almost as if he understood my pain and felt the need to reach out to me. As he smiled innocently at me, I felt some of my pain slip away. It's time to let go. It's time to stop dwelling on how life isn't fair. I can be happy for others even though I've lost what they have. And hopefully, I, too, will be blessed someday just as they have been with a bundle of joy. My time will come, I just need to be patient. It will all be okay in the end.

Welcome to My World!

My insanity has stepped up a level. Late Wednesday night, as the hour drew closer to midnight, I found myself hunched over the kitchen table typing away madly on my iBook. In a frenzy, I tried google, Yahoo, and even eBay. No matter where I turned, I couldn't find what I sought: a stroller.

Let's step back a bit. I am the ultimate planner. I like to have everything laid out so there are no surprises. This, of course, made it even more difficult to deal with my miscarriage in July-I hate losing control of the situation. But that's a story for another time. In May, before I was even pregnant, I already had set up my baby registry with Babies 'R Us. I wanted to ensure I covered all my bases, that nothing would be forgotten during that mindless haze of pregnancy. I also wanted to make sure that, should anyone decide to purchase gifts early, everything would work with my plan.

After my pregnancy was confirmed in June, we went car seat shopping. At first, I was leery of embarking on such a venture. I can be quite superstitious, and it seemed that shopping for a child that I had only recently conceived was an invitation for the worst to happen. However, I had a rather small convertible at the time and I needed to know if a child seat would fit in it. The car was almost paid off and if we could get the seat to fit, it would be great to start out the baby's life without a car payment. If it did not fit, I would need to sell the car right away as convertibles tend not to sell well during New England winters (which is when the baby was due). So off we went to Babies 'R Us. This was my first outing into a strictly babies store. I was like a kid in the candy store; I couldn't decide what I wanted to look at first! While we were there, we decided to check out the strollers that you can turn into travel systems with the car seats. We found a Graco model that suited our needs and had all the features we liked, so we purchased the matching car seat. Neither were cheap, so I promptly added the stroller (along with all of the other matching products in the line) to my registry.

A couple of days after my miscarriage in July, I had one of those thoughts that you wonder where the heck it came from, it being so inappropriate for the moment in which I had it. I was online wiping out all evidence of my Babies 'R Us registry. I didn't want to stumble across any painful reminders of the child we lost and was in the process of removing all of those reminders from view. I got to the stroller and paused for a moment. What if the stroller wasn't available anymore once I finally had a baby? Then I would have a car seat that didn't match-the horror of that!! I pondered the situation for a few minutes, considering buying it right then and there. Finally, I regained my senses and deleted the rest of the registry. After all, what did it matter? In the grand scheme of things, isn't it more important to have a healthy child? Who cares if the accessories don't match... I didn't think about it again.

That is, until said Wednesday night. I don't know why, but all of the sudden, I was overtaken by this desire to check the price of the stroller to see if it had come down any. In the past week or two, I've started being drawn back to all things baby. I browse baby sections in stores; I search for baby merchandise in catalogs; I have even checked out baby products on eBay. So I clicked on the Babies 'R Us link and selected Travel System Strollers. My stroller was nowhere to be found. I panicked. I searched the website for all products made by Evenflo. I still couldn't find it. I also couldn't remember for the life of me what the name of the pattern was for my stroller. In a moment of inspiration, I decided to browse eBay, figuring everything turns up on eBay at some point. In spite of that usual rule, it wasn't in the 186 listings eBay had for strollers. Now rather upset, I went into the baby's room (the room where all the baby stuff was packed up, hidden in a corner where I wouldn't encounter it on a daily basis) and unpacked the car seat, searching for some indication of the name of the pattern. That car seat didn't offer any clues other than the word Graco on the handle. Returning to the computer, I now tried the search engines, looking for websites that included the words "Graco stroller," as that was the only way I could figure out to find it. I did find a review for my stroller...the Metrolite LE. Aha! We're getting somewhere! However, every time I clicked on an e-tailer that offered it, it showed up in a different color scheme. Somewhere in my search, I did find the pattern name finally: Colby. I returned to Babies 'R Us and searched for "Colby," and on the screen there it appeared, the elusive stroller. It was only after it popped up that I realized my first mistake: I searched for Evenflo the first time, but it was made by Graco. The 2nd mistake was that it wasn't listed with the travel systems, but that was the only category I browsed. Relief spread throughout my body, removing the tension of the panicked search. I had found my stroller. It wasn't gone after all. I resolved at that moment to buy it now before it was discontinued.

The next morning, I reflected on my insanity of the night before (because that's the only way to explain it). Here I am, without child and, most likely, not pregnant. Yet, it was so important to me the night before to find that darn stroller and I stayed up an extra hour to seek it out. When I couldn't find it at first, I was actually devastated-over a stroller. What has happened to me? I used to be quite sensible. Now I'm going crazy over baby accessories for a baby that I don't have! And as I reflected, I realized this isn't the first time. Little by little over the past couple weeks, I've started hoarding baby items again. Books here and there, toys every once in a while, always a little something for the little one to be. Where has my mind gone? Isn't there enough stuff in the house from the first baby? I have two cases of diapers taking up space in another corner of the baby's room (which does double duty as our office) due to my planning. What am I thinking?

Without any answers to these questions, or any control over myself, the insanity will be elevated this afternoon when I will drive almost an hour to Babies 'R Us to buy that stroller. After all, there will be a baby someday, right? Might as well ensure I don't spend any nights in the future frantically searching for the stroller again. Maybe it will put my mind at ease, if only for a little while...

2 More Weeks...

[Here's a story only those who are (or have been though) Trying to Conceive will appreciate...]

This morning I posted my BBT (basal body temperature) in my Fertility Friend chart and got a lovely surprise...it looks like I finally ovulated! According to FF, I am now 3 days past ovulation. Which means, I'm officially in the 2 week wait without even planning it (we happened to have great timing entirely by accident). I'm very anxious right now. We wanted to try again, but I'm scared. What if I am pregnant and we lose this one, too? I'll be going through a whole gamut of emotions (that are perfectly normal for those who have experienced miscarriages) that will be out of my control. I hate being out of control. But as I keep telling myself, I just need to go with the flow... Handle each event as it occurs instead of stressing about what could possibly be nothing. So now I sit and wait.