I'm in love. Honest! It's hard to believe how much you can love someone you've never met and hardly know. I find myself staring at those long little fingers, that cute pouty mouth, and her pefect little nose, wondering how it is I deserved such a perfect little person in my life.
On the other hand, I miss my sleep. I don't mind less sleep. I just want *some* sleep. When I decided that breastfeeding was for me, I had no idea that the guidelines of 8-12 feedings a day, which is supposed to equate to a feeding every 2-3 hours, could actually mean feedings every 45 minutes or so all night long. We'll finish a feeding, and 30-45 minutes later, she wants to eat again. All night long. And if she doesn't get it, she screams. But she sleeps peacefully most of the day. I talked to the pediatrician about this today and basically, all I can do is wait out this phase. It takes time to reset a circadian rhythm and she's obviously confused about when she should be awake and when she should sleep. We did have some improvement in daytime awakenings today--she was more awake during the day today than any day so far--but I dread when the sun sets. I dread the night coming and spending the whole thing trying to appease her insatiable hunger. My milk is in, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. And my boobs are so raw from her eating so frequently. 8-12 times a day my butt...this one wants to eat 14+ times a day! I'm getting really overwhelmed by breastfeeding, by her constant need to feed and being the only one who can fulfill that need. I have a pump and can always start pumping and using expressed breastmilk but I would still be providing all of those meals. I feel like I don't do anything else. Brian joked with me the day after she was born and called me the "lunch truck." It was funny for a day or two, but now I really feel like that's what I am. I don't get to enjoy my time with her because she spends most of it eating, and while she's been a trooper latching on, she has a strong suck (even the pediatrician commented on this) which hurts even with proper latch. I came across some of my hospital paperwork today and it stated that bottle-fed babies only need to be fed 6-7 times a day. That sounds heavenly right now. I tried to talk to Brian about it, but he keeps urging me to continue, to not give up yet, stating that it will get better. I know it will eventually, but I will always be the one to provide all of her meals. I'm having a hard time with this right now. I always said I wanted to exclusively breastfeed because of the health benefits of breastmilk, and I still feel strongly about those benefits. But I also think it isn't worth it if you have to trade your sanity for those benefits. I'm not sure what to do.
We had our first pediatrician visit this morning. She now weighs 8 lbs 6 oz. The doctors at the hospital didn't tell us that she was slightly jaundiced, but I did notice before the appointment that she looked a little yellow. Her pediatrician ordered bloodwork (which she was absolutely wonderful for - not a peep out of her!) and her numbers are up to 14 from 9, but he's not worried about it. He said her case isn't bad and he recommends just getting her out into the sun more. Otherwise, she's totally healthy and very strong. We go back Wednesday for another appointment.
Per doctor's orders, we went for a walk today. Our first trip out in public with Maggie. We took her to the same nature preserve where Brian took those preggo shots of me a couple weeks ago. She was good for most of the walk, although she did start crying near the end.
I'm so tired... I would give anything for more than 1 hour of sleep at a time right now.
Homemade Oatmeal Cream Pies
5 years ago
2 comments:
I can't speak from personal experience, but everyone I know who has a child has said those first couple weeks are HARD. BUT... they all promise it gets easier, and is worth every ounce of sleep they missed. Sleep when Maggie sleeps, day or night. When you're ready, pump and let DH give her a bottle so you can have a little time off... you get a break, but still are giving her the benefit or your milk. Hang in there, Carrie! We're all here for you and know you can do it!
Carrie,
Its so wonderful to read motherhood posts from you. I feel so fortunate to have gone this distance with you.
Where to start? The problem with pumping for me was that I'd spend an hour pumping and then an hour feeding him. I felt like all I did 24/7 had to do with feeding him. I had very little milk, it seemd and it would take forever just to get two ounces of milk. Then, he was just like Maggie and would take forever to eat. I have news for you, though. When he was that age he ate 8 times a day. Every three hours. We're down to five now. It would be six, but he's sleeping through his 4am feeding now. So he probably spent as much time eating as Maggie does.
The sleep deprivation gets better (have you been following Katie and Crista's posts about it? I think you'll feel you're in good company).
Liam was jaundiced, too. It peaks and then goes away. She was probably peaking when she had her most recent blood work. We sat in the window or took him outside in his diaper for his "billybobbins" as I called it.
This was in January, poor guy. But, it went away. I guess its very common but it REALLY bothered me.
Isn't it fun, though?
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