Fear

You never really get rid of fear. Whether it's early pregnancy fear that you may lose that child, to fear of how you will provide for that child, it's always there on some level. My latest fear: Brian going back to work and leaving me alone with Maggie. Next Wednesday, he returns to work and I will be all alone. I'm not sure I can handle it. He has been a tremendous help, changing just about every dirty diaper (except on the night shift since I'm up anyway to feed her), as well as taking her every once in a while so I can squeeze in a nap. He loves playing with her, even though there isn't much they can do right now. And I love having him here with us. But when he returns to work and I will become not only the constant provider of food (which I already am), but also the sole source of entertainment and care, I'm afraid that I will not live up to the roles required of me.

I still think the root of this fear comes from the overwhelmed feeling I get from breastfeeding. I can't quite explain it, I guess, since Brian seems to think that my concerns are that I won't be able to feed her. It's not that at all. It's just the thought that every meal MUST come from me, whether it's on the boob itself or through a pumping. And with how demanding she has been for those meals, it just freaks me out a bit, I guess.

She was a little better yesterday. We tried to get in longer feeding sessions, in hopes that she would require them less often. We also tried to keep her up as much as possible during the day. I tried to take a nap at 8:30PM, but she wouldn't stop fussing for Brian and by 9:15, he brought her into our room. I was less than thrilled as I was already feeling a bit frazzled from no naps all day for me. We did a 40-odd minute feeding and I put her down for the night. The next time she awoke was at 12:20AM, a much longer stretch than usual. Again, another 40-45 minute feeding, and I put her down. This time, she woke up only 15 minutes later wanting to eat again. So another feeding, this one 30 minutes. Then, I didn't hear another peep from her until after 5AM. I could probably deal with this schedule if she would stick with it, but we all know that babies this age don't adhere to schedules. Still, the sleep was nice while I was able to get it.