I ended up not mentioning my concerns at the pediatrician appointment on Wednesday. Every time I tried to discuss it with Brian, he would say it was okay, but he would have this look on his face that proved it was not. I felt too guilty to say anything, especially with how the pediatrician was promoting breastfeeding. I promised Brian one more day. Thursday came and we had a pretty good night with sleep and feeding. I tried to get through one more day before calling the pediatrician. Each feeding still upset me, but the guilt of giving it up when I don't *have* to was also eating away at me. Then last night we had a night from heck. Fussiness from 9:30PM until 2AM, when I gave up and actually took her into bed with us. Feeding wasn't helping, rocking wasn't helping, shushing wasn't helping. For some reason, co-sleeping helped. She slept until 6:30AM with us in bed, and at that point, I woke her up because I was afraid of her going too long without eating. We do not want this to become a habit. Co-sleeping may work well for others, but it scares me to have an infant in the bed with us, especially since we're 2 bigger people and I tend to move around a lot in my sleep.
Anyway, by 11AM today, I made the call. Again, feeling totally guilt-ridden when I was asked why I wanted to give it up. The doctor called back in the afternoon and we discussed the options. She really promoted doing a combination of breastfeeding and formula-feeding, but also acknowledged that I have to do what is best for our relationship in the end. She left it totally up to me. I talked with Brian about it and decided that I would give part-time breastfeeding a shot. This way, I can go back to breastfeeding if I decide formula isn't working for us; whereas, if I quit cold-turkey, my milk would dry up and I'd lose that chance.
Going to the store to buy that formula was a huge step for me, and it weighed heavily on my mind all afternoon. All the pros and cons of each option spun around in my mind constantly. Eventually, we did go to the store to buy that first can of formula: Nestle Good Start Supreme, 32 oz. The first $20 being spent, essentially, unnecessarily due to my emotional issues. I stared at the can when we got home, unsure of what to do. Finally, Brian offered to feed Margaret her first bottle. I followed the instructions to a T and gave him the first bottle of formula. I feared what would come next considering some of the stories I've heard of babies refusing bottles when Mommy is nearby. Amazingly, our little piggy had absolutely no problem taking the bottle. She did get confused and blow into the bottle instead of sucking out a few times, but she ate 2 oz like a champ. We've crossed the line. I still feel incredibly guilty. I don't know if that feeling will go away. But at least she ate, and that's what's most important.
Homemade Oatmeal Cream Pies
5 years ago
3 comments:
Its awful isn't it?
The guilt gets better. I still have moments of it, but Liam is thriving on formula and developing as he should. We are bonded. All the "right" things are happening.
I wish I could have given him the benefits of breastfeeding, but for some reason, with this child, I couldn't. It just didn't happen.
And Liam is no worse for the wear.
I like Nestle good start. Brian will enjoy feeding her, too.
don't beat yourself up, Carrie. Motherhood is about having to make choices in sometimes hard situations. And now you'll have extra time to stare into her eyes and bond. Time you might have been hitched to a boob sucker otherwise.
Don't feel guilty. You made the choice that is best for you and your baby at this time... and that's the best anyone could do. The important thing is that she eats.
I can say that I work with infants and am pretty familiar with most every formula out there. You picked a good one! They're all good, but of all of them, I've always thought Nestle Good Start most closely resembles breast milk in color, texture and smell. I've always said it's the one I'd use.
Have you considered one of the snuggle nests for cosleeping? If it seems she sleeps better that way, maybe the nest would help you feel more comfortable with having her there? Just a thought...
You're a wonderful new mommie, Carrie!!! Hang in there!
Carrie,
I meant to say that there are times when we have Liam in bed with us. In the beginning it was almost every morning from 5-6am. Now its now and again, like when he had that awful fever. What I do is sleep on my left side with my left arm extended. I lay Liam there in the crook of my arm. That way I can keep him from rolling over, his face from anything that my smother him and I won't roll over on him because I have the weight of him on my arm. We take short naps like this on the couch, too.
Its not the best place for him, I agree, but I have found that I am very in tune to him when he is next to me. I feel the rising of his breath and, if he's facing my face, I feel his breath on my face. Its lovely.
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