A Different Person

I had no idea how different of a person I had become due to the extreme sleep deprivation I suffered over the last couple of days until this morning. Last night was no restful night by any means, but I did manage to get in about 3 or 4 hours of sleep total. I'm pretty groggy this morning, but not as cranky anymore. It didn't help that Maggie was (unintentionally) playing psychological games with me during breastfeeding. She has always been hard to keep latched on, but lately, she would start screaming in the middle of feeding and actually PUSH me away with enough force that I couldn't pull her back on. Then she'd flop her head around frantically with her mouth wide open, clearly still hungry but seemingly refusing me (again, I know she didn't make a conscious decision like that, but it's hard to accept when it happens over and over again with every breastfeeding). Her screaming fits in general were still pretty abundant, too. Yesterday was another day that she spent 5+/- hours awake, much of it upset in spite of the Mylicon drops and my attempts at calming her, a la Happiest Baby on The Block. She even woke up at 2AM today screaming. So out into the living room we went (where I've been going when she gets to be too much so Brian can still get some sleep). I had enough of her breastfeeding games...I wasn't in a state to not be upset by them...so I gave her a bottle of formula. (I should add that, while we've been doing a combination of breast- and formula-feeding, night feedings had been exclusively breastfeedings up until last night.) She was calm. She fell asleep easily and stayed asleep in her crib. Lately, it had been taking up to an hour after her nighttime feedings to get her back to sleep...last night, there was no effort at all. At best, she goes 3 hours between nighttime breastfeedings (consistently, anyway...she has gone as much as 5 but that was a fluke), but last night, she went down a little before 3AM and slept until almost 7:30AM. And she was a HAPPY baby when she woke up this morning!! No screaming!! Even during her diaper change! (Which almost always elicits some kind of cry!) She contentedly drank her morning bottle of formula, and fell back asleep for another nap. A nap!! Where had those gone? The moral? A happy Maggie is a happy Mommy. I was back to myself after those bottles, blissfully staring at her while she was eating instead of feeling what I can only describe as reluctance and (dare I say it?) even occasional resentment during many of the more recent breastfeedings.

I told Brian this morning... It's time to switch her over entirely to formula. The psychological issues of breastfeeding have obviously become too much for me. It's obvious that I need to discontinue it to ensure that we have a happy relationship with each other. I promised that I would tell the pediatrician at her appointment tomorrow. I feel better already...

We're going to the hospital this afternoon to see my father. I need to wait for Brian to get home from work and then we'll probably spend most of the evening there. In the meantime, I'm keeping in touch with my family. I also plan on visiting my grandmother at some point today (provided Maggie cooperates) as she is, understandably, upset right now. They're waiting until he's conscious to bring her to the hospital, so she hasn't even seen him yet. Which is probably good... I saw him and I have to say that that image will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. Nobody should have to see his/her child in such a state, especially after losing his/her spouse to the same thing at close to the same age.

Did I mention that before? My grandfather (my father's father) died at 59 of a heart attack. It was October 14, 1981...almost 1 month after my sister was born. The fact that we're so close to being 1 month after Maggie's birth hasn't escaped me. It's pretty eerie, in fact. It's also one of the reasons why I insist on bringing Maggie to the hospital with me, and that I want him to see her so badly when he's conscious again. He's getting a second chance, the chance his father didn't get. I hope that will help motivate him to make the changes that will need to be made.