Keeping Sane

Those of you who have been following my blog will know that a few weeks ago, I went to a Depression Screening at the local hospital. This has blossomed into a few visits to their Behavioral Health Center to give them a thorough history of my background. Last night, I met with the psychiatrist for the first time. He was supposed to have a diagnosis by the end of the evening, but he decided he really wanted to talk to me one more time before coming to any conclusions. This only adds to my stress because of the non-parity clause in my insurance, and I did mention this to him (if the diagnosis is biological, my co-pay is $5 - if it's just a temporary problem, the co-pay is 50%, which is a HUGE difference!). He said he was leaning toward non-specific depression, which would most likely be considered biological, but he doesn't have any definite answers right now. I see him again on December 6th. In the meantime, I'm starting talk-therapy with one of the therapists. We both agreed that medication was not necessary at this time, but he did say that severe depression during pregnancy can be harmful to the developing baby so if it gets bad later on down the road, we will have to consider medication even though it's Category C (let's just say it's best to avoid Category C if at all possible...). I doubt it would come to medication unless I had another miscarriage, and if that were to happen, there wouldn't be a developing baby to worry about the medication affecting anyway.

Miscarriage. The word rolls off my tongue so freely; quite a difference from last time. I know it's a possibility - in fact, with the statistics I've absorbed, I've come to realize that it's so common that when you factor in early miscarriages (also known as chemical pregnancies), there's a 50% chance of losing that child. The further one gets a long, the lower the chances get. Today, I'm at 5 weeks 5 days. Within a few days, I'll get to the point in my last pregnancy when I started spotting. It's something I haven't encountered so far, but it's at the back of my mind always. I logically know it wasn't my fault last time, but I have avoided so much this time around, "just in case." Anything to up the odds, after all.

In the meantime, there are rumors floating around that one of my cousins on my mother's side of the family is pregnant. This will be her second child; she had her first at 15 years old and she is now 21. Last time I was pregnant, she and her husband did mention that they were trying for a boy, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. But I'm the eldest of the cousins on that side of the family - I should have been the first to have children, yet she, her sister, and another cousin all beat me to the punch once already - now, she'll beat me again with her 2nd child. I'm both excited about sharing our pregnancies and disappointed that I have to share the glory of my first baby with her (yes, I'm being selfish!). I haven't been able to discuss the matter with her yet - I tried emailing her to find out if it was true, offering my news as collateral for hers, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I figured the sooner I got it out into the open with her, the better - then she wouldn't feel I was stealing her thunder, either.

Which brings me to my latest dilemma. All along, I've been conflicted as to when to share our news with our extended families. On the one hand, being cautious allows me to not feel like a huge failure in public should I miscarry again. On the other, should I miscarry again, I will need the support of my family. Not that most of them offered any - only my aunts and my Grandmother on my father's side offered any kind of comfort in the days after my last miscarriage - but every little bit would help. With the added information of my cousin being pregnant, I'm missing that innocence of carefree pregnancies, that ability to share the news as soon as there's a positive HPT without any worries about having to take that news back weeks later. I'm not sure what to do. My OB appointment is next Monday. If I can make it to then, I think I may spill the beans. It will actually be slightly earlier than last time, but I think I need to do this. It will be a step in the right direction for me, I hope...