Blood.

Amazing how the sight of it can stop a person dead in her tracks, gripping her heart and freezing her mind, unwilling to accept what the eyes see. So she checks again, only to find the same results...and then despair sets in.

My foe, Spot, dropped in for a surprise (and unwanted) visit this evening. 2 days earlier than last time. Yes, spotting is normal for most pregnant women. Yes, many spot throughout, some even bleeding like AF herself were there all along. But you have to understand that, to a woman who has experienced miscarriage before without any warning other than "typical spotting" - the type we are not supposed to be worried about - it's difficult not to panic. Immediately, Brian reminded me that it's normal. But they told me it was normal last time, too, and our baby still died, even though I didn't have any of the symptoms of a miscarriage - just "normal" spotting.

So yes, I'm not exactly optimistic right now. We were on our way to a movie when I discovered the situation, and I spent a good part of the movie mentally saying my goodbyes to our baby before I've even gotten used to him/her being here yet. Some would say I'm acting prematurely, or just not positive enough. I feel I'm just making sure I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. Might as well be prepared for the worst since this is how it started last time.

Even though there is nothing that can be done to prevent a miscarriage, I'll be taking it easy this weekend. A lot of sitting with my feet up. It didn't help last time, but at least I won't feel guilty that I contributed. And then on Monday, all will be revealed. Less than 3 days to go...