Taking It Easy

Well, the spotting stopped for the most part last night. (TMI alert!) It was very light and pink, and now my CM is only lightly tinged brown so it's going away. I've been resting with my feet up. Since nothing can be done anyway if this did lead to miscarriage, I did not call my doctor's office or rush to the ER. Number one, my doctor's office would have just told me to rest with my feet up anyway - I'm already doing that. Number two, I will be having an ultrasound on Monday anyway. If I can make it 2 more days, we'll be able to see more of what's going on at that point. Why waste insurance money today if it will be done Monday anyway - besides, there are people who need the services of the ER more than I do right now. Brian is convinced it's nothing and it's perfectly normal, but maybe it's just a defense mechanism, his way of dealing with the situation. It's funny because he keeps watching children's shows on TV today, claiming we'll have to get used to it anyway for the kids. :) He can be so sweet. :)

A couple of my friends on FF mentioned a subchorionic bleed possibly being the culprit. So I decided to look up some info on it on the internet since I was never told of this last time around even though I spotted frequently in that pregnancy. The best description I found was the comparison of pregnancy to a construction zone, and the bleeding being like when the construction crew accidentally hits a water or gas main. With all that's going on in the uterus, it's not uncommon for bleeding to occur from time to time - it's just difficult to deal with if you've had a miscarriage before. "Normal" holds no meaning for me anymore.

In any case, it looks like I'm a hostage of my living room this weekend. Only 2 more days until I figure out if this baby will stick around a little longer. Then I still have to get past 9 weeks 4 days when I found out Arabella had died. I have a looooong way to go, and I don't think I will actually feel comfortable until we have a live baby to hold in our arms.

Blood.

Amazing how the sight of it can stop a person dead in her tracks, gripping her heart and freezing her mind, unwilling to accept what the eyes see. So she checks again, only to find the same results...and then despair sets in.

My foe, Spot, dropped in for a surprise (and unwanted) visit this evening. 2 days earlier than last time. Yes, spotting is normal for most pregnant women. Yes, many spot throughout, some even bleeding like AF herself were there all along. But you have to understand that, to a woman who has experienced miscarriage before without any warning other than "typical spotting" - the type we are not supposed to be worried about - it's difficult not to panic. Immediately, Brian reminded me that it's normal. But they told me it was normal last time, too, and our baby still died, even though I didn't have any of the symptoms of a miscarriage - just "normal" spotting.

So yes, I'm not exactly optimistic right now. We were on our way to a movie when I discovered the situation, and I spent a good part of the movie mentally saying my goodbyes to our baby before I've even gotten used to him/her being here yet. Some would say I'm acting prematurely, or just not positive enough. I feel I'm just making sure I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. Might as well be prepared for the worst since this is how it started last time.

Even though there is nothing that can be done to prevent a miscarriage, I'll be taking it easy this weekend. A lot of sitting with my feet up. It didn't help last time, but at least I won't feel guilty that I contributed. And then on Monday, all will be revealed. Less than 3 days to go...

Keeping Sane

Those of you who have been following my blog will know that a few weeks ago, I went to a Depression Screening at the local hospital. This has blossomed into a few visits to their Behavioral Health Center to give them a thorough history of my background. Last night, I met with the psychiatrist for the first time. He was supposed to have a diagnosis by the end of the evening, but he decided he really wanted to talk to me one more time before coming to any conclusions. This only adds to my stress because of the non-parity clause in my insurance, and I did mention this to him (if the diagnosis is biological, my co-pay is $5 - if it's just a temporary problem, the co-pay is 50%, which is a HUGE difference!). He said he was leaning toward non-specific depression, which would most likely be considered biological, but he doesn't have any definite answers right now. I see him again on December 6th. In the meantime, I'm starting talk-therapy with one of the therapists. We both agreed that medication was not necessary at this time, but he did say that severe depression during pregnancy can be harmful to the developing baby so if it gets bad later on down the road, we will have to consider medication even though it's Category C (let's just say it's best to avoid Category C if at all possible...). I doubt it would come to medication unless I had another miscarriage, and if that were to happen, there wouldn't be a developing baby to worry about the medication affecting anyway.

Miscarriage. The word rolls off my tongue so freely; quite a difference from last time. I know it's a possibility - in fact, with the statistics I've absorbed, I've come to realize that it's so common that when you factor in early miscarriages (also known as chemical pregnancies), there's a 50% chance of losing that child. The further one gets a long, the lower the chances get. Today, I'm at 5 weeks 5 days. Within a few days, I'll get to the point in my last pregnancy when I started spotting. It's something I haven't encountered so far, but it's at the back of my mind always. I logically know it wasn't my fault last time, but I have avoided so much this time around, "just in case." Anything to up the odds, after all.

In the meantime, there are rumors floating around that one of my cousins on my mother's side of the family is pregnant. This will be her second child; she had her first at 15 years old and she is now 21. Last time I was pregnant, she and her husband did mention that they were trying for a boy, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. But I'm the eldest of the cousins on that side of the family - I should have been the first to have children, yet she, her sister, and another cousin all beat me to the punch once already - now, she'll beat me again with her 2nd child. I'm both excited about sharing our pregnancies and disappointed that I have to share the glory of my first baby with her (yes, I'm being selfish!). I haven't been able to discuss the matter with her yet - I tried emailing her to find out if it was true, offering my news as collateral for hers, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I figured the sooner I got it out into the open with her, the better - then she wouldn't feel I was stealing her thunder, either.

Which brings me to my latest dilemma. All along, I've been conflicted as to when to share our news with our extended families. On the one hand, being cautious allows me to not feel like a huge failure in public should I miscarry again. On the other, should I miscarry again, I will need the support of my family. Not that most of them offered any - only my aunts and my Grandmother on my father's side offered any kind of comfort in the days after my last miscarriage - but every little bit would help. With the added information of my cousin being pregnant, I'm missing that innocence of carefree pregnancies, that ability to share the news as soon as there's a positive HPT without any worries about having to take that news back weeks later. I'm not sure what to do. My OB appointment is next Monday. If I can make it to then, I think I may spill the beans. It will actually be slightly earlier than last time, but I think I need to do this. It will be a step in the right direction for me, I hope...

Avoidance and Lessons Learned

I've been thinking about that coyote all day, as well as what Kether (I hope you don't mind me naming you out!) posted in my blog. Maybe I should examine these further...

Avoidance. What could I be avoiding? Well, there are a lot of things.

• I thought about this some more after posting (so this is not a part of the original post)... I recently have become uncomfortable with my decision to change education paths. After my miscarriage, I questioned why I was going to school for a degree in English, with the ultimate goal of teaching, if I don't agree with the new laws and the new policies to teach to the test instead of to educate. I switched to a program in Recreational Leadership at my old community college, figuring it would enable me to get a job in the areas we dream of moving to. But the more I go to these classes, the more I have realized that this is not what's natural to me. In fact, it's almost the polar opposite. I'm used to academics, not business. I thrive on writing thoughtful pieces, not dumbing down to a sixth grade level, as I am now being told is appropriate in the business world. I've struggled with this...how can I tell my husband that, yet again, I've been spending money on a degree that doesn't seem like it's meant for me? This really became more of a dilemma after speaking with my sister in law last weekend. She teaches at a private school, an arena I had never considered, and explained that she sets her own curriculum - they are not subject to the laws that public schools are. English has always been a draw to me, what seems to fit. But the bureaucracy involved in teaching it dissuaded me from that path recently, in spite of it being the only thing that I've enjoyed. Maybe I made the wrong decision? Maybe private schools are the way for me to share my love of language without being forced to teach the test? Or maybe I just don't have any clue at all what I want to do?


• As Mia pointed out, I could be avoiding revealing my secret to my boss because I am really afraid of how she will react this time. I'm not ready to be told over and over again, as last time, that if I miscarry it will be okay - I can always have another one. I don't want another one - I want this one, just like last time. I also don't want to deal with her complaining all day because the timing of my due date is bad for our office. It's not like I chose it intentionally to give her a hard time.


• Bonding with this baby could be another. I'm trying hard to be positive, but I am much more reserved this time. I know I'm trying to change my thinking by my actions - I've started buying baby items on eBay and looking at maternity clothes. I bought a scrapbook with the intent of making a sort of journal of my journey through pregnancy. I want to put the ultrasound picture(s) in there, letters to the baby, and whatever else. While all of these are actions of looking ahead, I know deep down inside I'm afraid to give myself over to actually expecting a baby in June. I really need to get past 9 weeks 4 days before that can happen, I think.


• Fully dealing with my miscarriage is another potential item I'm avoiding. I've been working through the emotions, and doing whatever I can to help my mental health, but deep down inside, I'm still upset about it. I still want that baby. And I'm mad that nobody else (aside from my friends online) seems to remember or care about her. I'm upset that I feel like the crazy lady if I talk about it with my family. I guess I'm just upset in general, still. I find things that do make me happy - I'm certainly not sitting at home in a dark corner, unable to function. But it's at the back of my mind always.

So what did I learn from my miscarriage? Quite a bit, actually. It was one of the biggest challenges I've had to my belief system. It's hard seeing that there is a reason for the loss at the time of it, but it was something I tried to keep in mind all the while. What was I supposed to take away from this experience? And how did it all fit in with what I believed?

I was raised Catholic, but I have drifted away from that quite some time ago. I have a bit of an eclectic belief system now, with some nature religions and Buddhist items thrown in to the basics that you can take away from any Christian religion. I don't believe in a Heaven or a god "the creator, watching over us at all times." I look at it in a much more abstract form, as in "god" is in all of us as life (energy) pervades all. So when the energy in one lifeform appears to have been extinguished, it actually moves on to something else, whether it's another baby, a butterfly, a tree, etc. That theory works fine until you are faced with fitting a personal loss into it. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that the baby was gone. It was not in a "Heaven" playing with Grandpa - it was now providing energy for another life. What made that more difficult is that everyone tried to comfort me by saying she was playing with God, etc... things that don't make any sense to me. I understood now why there were cemeteries (I used to feel they were a waste of land that could be used to provide sustenance)...because we need somewhere that we feel we can always find the ones we've lost. I had nowhere. There was no body to bury or grieve over - she was just gone.

But the test did make me examine my life much more closely. I realized many things I used to believe were important were a waste of time. Life needs to be celebrated and enjoyed for we only have it for so long. Material items are a distraction from what really matters. I reconsidered my education goals since I knew once I did have a child to hold, I would want to spend as much time as possible with him/her, instead of working full time and being away a couple nights a week at school. We only have them in our lives for so long - why give up any of that time?

I also learned the hard way how difficult the experience truly is to have lost a child. I have a new understanding that I never could have had otherwise, and I felt awful for what I used to believe about miscarriages. I used to believe they were nothing, I wasn't one who believed life began at conception. I was a supporter of abortion rights and felt a being wasn't truly alive unless it could live on its own outside the womb. Arabella taught me that I was all wrong... she was alive. I saw her heartbeat flicker on that ultrasound monitor only weeks before her life ended. She was alive, she was a part of me, but now she was gone.

A friend who is on a spiritual quest as well mentioned afterwards that she thought pregnancy was an agreement between two souls. If it ended prematurely, the agreement had ended for one reason or another. I thought that was an interesting idea. Then I recently read in Miscarriage: Women Sharing from The Heart another idea that intrigued me. One of the women quoted in the book mentioned that she came to believe that the pregnancy ended prematurely because the child had already served his/her purpose, achieved his/her goal. With that completed, it was time for him/her to move on. Could it be that this child came to teach me to value life because I wasn't? Did she know I was heading the wrong way and I needed something to turn me back in the right direction for the sake of future children?

I think about this a lot. I will never have concrete answers to any of my questions, but I did take a lot away from the experience. I wish I could have gotten to know Arabella, but she taught me much in the time I had with her and since she has left. I am a new person because of her. Now I just need to open up my heart again to another child...

Spiritual Messenger?

I don't know how much I've delved into it on here, but I know I've mentioned before my belief that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that there are signs everywhere helping us along the right path, if we pay attention. Usually, they catch us unaware and unless we really think about it, we may miss out on that message entirely.

Tonight on my way to my class at the local community college, I saw a bit of a strange sight. There, on the side of the highway, was a coyote patiently waiting to cross. S/he watched my truck until I got alongside of her/him, and then turned back to watch for a clearing in the traffic. I knew there were coyotes in the area - in fact, I think I've seen one once before only a few blocks from my house - but it's highly unusual to see them, especially near the highway like that, so this really stuck out in my mind. I thought about it during my exam, and afterwards on my drive home. I meant to tell my husband about it, but forgot in his exuberance for the Red Sox - Yankees game. And then I just remembered my find. So I figured I'd poke around on the internet and see what this spirit guide had to say (as many cultures did consider animals to be their spirit guides).

I found this on http://www.sayahda.com/cyc1.html :

When coyote wanders into your life you are being asked to look at something you have been avoiding. Coyote is our mirror for the lessons we need to learn in order to walk a good sacred road. It will hold up the mirror relentlessly until we finally get the picture.

Interesting... Lately the messages I've paid attention to have been eerily correct in retrospect. I wonder what I'm avoiding now that needs to get out in the open?

Crazy Pregnant Lady Coming Through!

I made a resolution not to have my hCG levels checked again. I was trying to save my sanity. I figured that if I didn't have the numbers, I'd have nothing to obsess about. Of course, so early on with so little to reassure oneself, there isn't much to cling to in hopes that the pregnancy is going well. The nausea isn't really bothering me much, and aside from my aching lower back, there's really not much else to indicate there's a bun in the oven. So what would a crazy pregnant lady do to check if she's still pregnant? Pee on a stick, of course! I actually wasted most of my lunch break today to go to Walmart to buy a cheap HPT (why waste the big bucks, after all) so I could check at lunchtime that the line is darker than it was last week. Fortunately for my sanity, it was significantly darker - but that doesn't take away from the ridiculousness of it. Let's hope I can settle in to this pregnancy soon because those HPTs really add up! ;)


[19 DPO, Equate, several hours after test was taken (didn't think to take a photo when it was fresh, LOL!) - It really is darker in person, I just couldn't get it to come out right with the camera]

In other news, I slipped at work and told one of my coworkers. We were commiserating about our boss, who is quite often unreasonable and overly emotional. I won't let her suck me into her games this time around like she did last time. Of course, the only reason I could think of to justify this comment was my "delicate condition." My coworker swore she wouldn't say anything, but you know how office grapevines are. Last time I was able to wait longer before releasing this info at the workplace, so I really didn't want it going around just yet. But it's done now - there's no taking it back. So I guess I'll just have to go with it.

On To Cautiously Expecting...

After giving Arabella her day, I am ready to look forward now. Brian and I did disagree as to when to start telling people. I have to admit that there is that cautious side of me that doesn't want to "spill the beans" and then have to take it back again. But I don't want to even let those thoughts into my head. As a friend tells me repeatedly, why write that script? So we started sharing the news with a very select group of people. My sister, of course, was one of the first to know. She found out almost immediately after my husband. Then yesterday we shared with Brian's father, mother, and sisters. I think we'll wait until this weekend for my parents, though. After that, the extended family will have to wait until Thanksgiving at the earliest, but maybe Christmas if I can hold out that long. As optimistic as I'm trying to be, I just can't bear to tell everyone again so early. Baby steps... 2 more weeks until I see the OB. All I have to do is make it to then...

In Honor of The Day

However you want to call it, whether it's Babyloss, Pregnancy Loss, or Infant Loss Day, the day is today. Arabella has been on my mind again. Those of you unfamiliar with her should know that she is the child I miscarried July 19, 2004. I was only about 9 weeks along, so there was no definitive answer as to the gender of that child, but I had a strong feeling from the start that I was having a girl and I felt it was only right to give her a name in honor of her memory. I've been through some rough times since this loss. And while I was delivered wonderful news yesterday, today is Arabella's day. I lit her candle in memory of her, as well as all other children who were called away too soon, at 7PM. It will stay lit until I go to bed this evening.

I spent a lot of time writing in my journal in the middle of the night in the days following my miscarriage. It was my way of dealing with it. At that time, I wrote a couple of poems. The emotions were raw and painful but I think they're worth sharing today.

July 22, 2004
Broken heart and empty womb
are all you'll find inside me.
A week ago we were so happy -
how could this be?
You left me here, all by myself,
no future left to dream of.
Called away far too soon,
but in my heart you'll be loved.

July 21, 2004
Little one, you left too soon;
I never got to know you.
I never got to see your face
Nor will I ever hold you.
No baby laughter in our home
Will there be this winter.
Without you in our lives
Will happiness be hindered.
I hope you're in a better place
Where you will be cared for and hugged.
And always know you're in our hearts
Where you will always be loved.

May all of you who have suffered this loss find peace, as your children most certainly have.

Drumroll Please

And the answer is ..... 25 ..... Are you scratching your head? That's what Brian did when I called him at work to tell him. You see, I work in an office full of cubicles. I sit 3 feet from the counter where all the customers come in. I have no privacy here. So I tried to speak in code. He asked me what that meant, and I replied, "Well, last month it was 0," figuring he'd catch on. He didn't. So I had to come out and actually say it in as much of a whisper as I could manage. I am pregnant. A little bit, by that number, but I am. I should be jumping up and down right now, twirling around in circles, elated and overjoyed. But a couple things cloud this. Number one, Babyloss Awareness Day tomorrow when I'll be lighting a candle in memory of Arabella and all my sistas' angel babies. Second, that number seems so low. Last time, at 16 DPO it was around 350-something. 25 at 13 DPO doesn't seem high enough. To be fair, it looks like I had a later implantation in this cycle than the last time I got pregnant. That would result in low numbers (and very faint positives on HPTs!). But I can't help but think about that number...I shouldn't have even asked what it was.

So here I am, cautiously expecting. If all goes well, my due date according to Fertility Friend is June 23, 2005. A little less than a month before the 1 year anniversary of the loss of Arabella. Two weeks after Brian's birthday, the day this year that we found out I was pregnant for the first time. I am happy, really... I'm just worried, too.

More Waiting

Finally, finally, finally my doctor's office called back. My doctor ordered the blood test! So I went to the lab on my lunch break. Now I'm just waiting for the results... and not so patiently waiting, I'll admit. I just have to keep busy to keep my mind off of it!

Waiting

I was hoping to update everyone today but it looks like that won't happen. After getting a *3rd* faint positive this morning, I decided to call my doctor's office to have a blood test done. That is the only accurate pregnancy test, after all. Every time I call for a test, it turns into a huge fiasco. Those of you who have been following my story know that last month, they ordered the urine instead of blood test first. After straightening that out, they were supposed to have the results rushed because I was due for x-rays the next day. I didn't get my results until 2 days later, and that was only because I called their office. When I called, they couldn't even find my results; they had to call the lab. I should know better, I guess.

So this time I figure I'll ask for the one person I know is competant in the office - she no longer works there. The new girl says she needs to check with my doctor first as my doctor may want me to come in for an office test (i.e. urine test!). Last time, I was told those who answered the phones could order the tests. (I should also mention that the 1st time I was pregnant, I did an in office urine test that came back positive. My doctor told them to send me for a blood test to confirm - they sent me for a lab urine test, that actually came back negative even though a blood test 3 days later confirmed that I was pregnant...) I don't know why they keep pushing urine tests on me. They're NOT accurate! I want accuracy! My emotions have been toyed with enough in the last 6 months! Not to mention, it's such a waste of time. I already did a urine test at home - that's what an HPT is!

So anyway, now I will be stuck waiting all day for them to call back. Knowing them, I won't hear back until tonight when I'm at class. Another day wasted. It's too bad you couldn't just walk in for blood pregnancy tests... My insurance pays for them, after all.

It may be time to find a new doctor...

Well......?

And a very early good morning to you! I know what's on your minds....is she or isn't she? The suspense is probably killing you. Except there's one problem....I can't tell!!! Remember, it's 5AM and kind of dark right now. I'm relying on the lighting in the bathroom which, quite honestly, stinks. It looks like there *may* be (the faintest of faint) a 2nd line on this darn HPT, but it's *really* hard to tell. It may just be that I really want to see that and, since I know where that 2nd line is supposed to show up, I'm making myself see it. I don't know! To be fair, this line that I think I may be seeing (it's that faint!) did show up within 3 minutes, which is when it said to check the results. So I highly doubt it's an evaporation line....but, like I said, what I think I'm seeing is barely perceptible and DH isn't up yet to pick his brain. So, to be fair, I can't give any official results yet. I'll just have to retest. Don't give me any congrats yet. It could be an imaginary line!!

EDITED TO ADD: I've decided to give you a chance to try and decipher this. DH, even with his sleepy eyes, thought he saw it, too. I tried photographing the HPT; this was the best I could get. I put in arrows to show where I think I'm seeing the line. It really may be too faint to even show up on the photos, though...







Any thoughts? I really can't see it in the photos, so I guess I'll retest tomorrow or Thursday just to be sure.

EDITED AGAIN TO ADD: I couldn't resist! I took another test on my lunch break! This time it was an Answer Early Results (the one I took this morning was First Response Early Results), and it looks like another faint positive! See for yourself:







Looks like I may be calling my doctor's office tomorrow for a beta! :)

I Love New York!

Great day yesterday... We wandered quite a bit, but we did stop in Saks Fifth Avenue (mental note, need to win lottery before going in there again), Tiffany's (same), Trump Towers, Macy's, and the new Disney store in midtown. We ran across the Naked Cowboy in Times Square once again and ate at the Jekyll and Hyde Club. And of course, we saw "Naked Boys Singing" at the John Houseman Theatre on 42nd Street. Need I say more? ;)

Mom and Sis outside Trump Towers with the doorman


Me in front of FAO Schwartz (which is STILL closed!!)


The Naked Cowboy and Mom


The Naked Cowboy gets a little friendly with Mom


Sorry, no photos of the cast of NBS... No photos are allowed during the show and they didn't do a photo opp after the show (they do that sometimes). :( It's a shame as this was a completely different cast from last time and one of the guys was CUTE!

Last Update Today...I Promise!

In final news... My grandmother and mother were kind enough to inform me that one of my cousins has decided to start TTC. I don't know if they expected me to be overjoyed or what? This cousin, while she knew that I was pregnant and knew about the miscarriage, never once contacted me about my loss. This is the same cousin I used to idolize when I was a child, which is probably why I'm still so perturbed that she never even took a moment to drop me an email about it. Her parents offered their condolences. Her brother wrote the most beautiful email I received in reference to our loss. But not a peep from her. And now I'm supposed to be thrilled that she is trying, and will probably have a baby before me.

To be fair, she also has PCOS. She was the one who looked at me one day and said I look like I have it, too. (Those of you familiar with PCOS will know that having someone say that to you is not exactly a compliment.) She helped me find the right testing to confirm it. And then once I announced I was pregnant in June, I got a very brief email of congratulations and not a word since.

Yes, I'm peeved, and I feel I have a right to be. The news grandma and my mother shared with me didn't go over well. DH was irritated that I was bothered by it, but I guess he doesn't understand. So once again, I'm not discussing it around him... Guess that's one more thing for therapy.

More Info

I've been meaning to update and *finally* it looks like I might have a chance to. Bear with me...this will be quite personal.

Those of you who are regulars of my blog know that I had a bit of a breakdown a week ago. DH and I had a huge blowout, and I've been having a lot of problems dealing with my miscarriage in July. I had been hearing on the radio that the hospital would be doing a depression screening on Thursday (yesterday) as a part of National Depression Screening Day. DH and I talked about it and I decided it would be good for me to go. In the meantime, I had been doing some research on my own about depression and bipolar disorder. You see, a great friend of mine online revealed not too long ago that she has bipolar disorder. What she described struck a chord with me, and it's been a nagging thought at the back of my mind ever since.

Last night came and I went to the screening. I filled out a questionnaire asking about symptoms that would be indicative of Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. While the therapists scored the questionnaires, we watched a video about the symptoms of depression and bipolar. Again, I recognized myself in much of what was said in that video. I almost broke out in tears...I just couldn't help it. After the video, while one of the doctors answered questions, we were called up (on a voluntary basis) to talk with the therapists. I was one of the first to go up, so I missed the talk the doctor gave, but it doesn't matter...I already had a pretty good idea of what was going on.

The therapist recommended that I go for follow up, based on my answers, for Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I scored very highly on all of them. But of course, of all things, I wanted to know what it would cost me. :) She reassured me they would check with my insurance company but if the coverage wasn't sufficient, the hospital offered financing options; they would not turn anybody down for lack of ability to pay. So we went over a brief history. The therapist seemed surprised I had never been treated before based on what we discussed...I guess I've been very lucky. But also, if I am bipolar, I'm rapid-cycling. My moods don't tend to stay in one direction or the other for very long, whereas clinical depression is usually a depression that lasts at least 2 weeks. In any case, we made an appointment for me to come back today to discuss insurance and fill out paperwork.

I went back this afternoon, filled out the required paperwork, and had a happy discovery. My insurance will pay for 10 sessions, with the opportunity to renew for 10 more if needed, and all I have to pay is $5 per session! Now there are no obstacles to me getting the help I need. I go back Tuesday afternoon to give a more detailed history, and then she will schedule me to meet with a psychiatrist the following week. And so it will go from there...

I'm not sure how much this will help since I refuse to take any more medication. I'm on enough as it is. I guess if I've made it this long I can probably continue without meds. I'm really looking for coping techniques to help me recognize and deal with the situations before they get out of hand. A person on one of the message boards I visit recommended cognitive-behavior therapy, which is something I also would like to pursue. It takes a look at the self-defeating thoughts you have and helps you turn that around to something positive.

In any case, this is what's been going on with me... I am officially now, I suppose, and emotional wreck. I've been labeled. But at least I'm doing something about it, which is all that much more important since we're still trying to conceive right now. The hard times will keep coming, and will probably be bad for a while again when I do get pregnant, so at least I'll have therapy to help me through that.

In the meantime, back to my knitting... :) I'm now 8 DPO and I'm trying to hold out until Monday to test (I'm being realistic - I know I won't wait any longer than that). I'm having some unusual symptoms that I normally don't have, and didn't have when I was pg either, so who knows? Being in New York City all day tomorrow will keep me too busy to think about it, at least. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Sorry!

I've been meaning to update this week, but it's just been plain crazy around here! Even now, I only have time for a few words. But I will come back later on today and hopefully I can let you all know what's been going on.

Oh yeah, and my scarf now measures 9.5" by 16.5" (I have no idea why I made it so wide other than I didn't know that 30 stitches would end up being so wide...oops!). I can't wait to finish the scarf so I can start my next project!

I'm A Knitting Fiend!

I feel so foolish, but I figured it out! Well, the garter stitch at least... I've been saying for years that I want to learn to knit, but nobody in my family remembers how to anymore. I wanted to take a class, but the classes never mesh with my schedule. I've looked at "learn to knit" books before, but they confused me. I bit the bullet Saturday, though, and bought a kit that includes the needles, yarn, and beginners instructions. I tried Saturday, and I just couldn't get past the slip knot... Sunday, again I just wasn't understanding it. (I have to add I am not mechanically inclined; I don't do well with instructions for things I have to do with my hands... I really need someone to show me.) Sunday night I decided to see what I could find online and sure enough, I found a drawing of the step I wasn't understanding that made it crystal clear. Once I figured that out, it was so easy! I've decided to focus on one stitch at a time, so I'm making a scarf right now out of the yarn from the kit with just the garter stitch (the scarf pattern that came with the kit calls for alternating with stockinette, but I want to master one before I move on to the next). I have six inches so far... But it's further than I've made it before! Hopefully, I can figure enough of this out to knit a baby's blanket when I get pregnant again. I'll need something to do while DH is skiing, after all!

Edited to add a photo of my work thus far....

Today!

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to meeeeeeee...
Happy birthday to me! :)

Well, it's not official until 3:13PM, but I'm another year older... Funny how time marches on when you're not paying attention.

Irony

As hard as it is to deal with at times, I've always believed everything happens for a reason. It doesn't mean I have to like what's happened, but there's always something to take away from every experience. I also believe that there are signs everywhere; we just need to pay attention to understand what they mean.

Last Fall, I took a course at UCONN called History Through Fiction. In this course, we read various books from Indian (India-Indian, not Native American), Chinese, and Japanese authors. We examined what we could learn about their cultures from the fiction of their writers. We also focused on the various religions of the region, something that interests me because I've been on a bit of a spiritual quest and I find other religions fascinating. I've noticed that my personal belief system is an eclectic mix of ideas from different religions...but Buddhism also called to me in a special way. I'm not Buddhist; I don't identify myself with any particular one religion. I just found a lot in Buddhism that meshed with my own thoughts, so it's something I've been reading up on. I also bought a Zen Day-By-Day calendar at the beginning of the year. It helps me to focus on what's more important in the grand scheme of things. (You'll notice that some of my quotes of the week, BTW, come from that calendar...) So what did it say today?

When the striving ceases, there is life waiting as a gift.
~Saul Bellow

So let's think about this... Mia's horoscope page told me earlier in the week to drop my illusions of the past and put effort into moving forward, as it was very important right now. My illusions of the past led to the big blow out. We worked our way through that disagreement last night, at which time I was probably ovulating (if you look at my FF chart, I had a 1 degree jump in temperature today...if my temps stay elevated for the next 2 days, FF will say I ovulated yesterday). Now Saul Bellow is telling me that when the striving ceases, there is life waiting as a gift. Irony? Or a sign that I'm supposed to pay attention to? Maybe I'm just reading too much into it and seeing what I want to see... Regardless, it's been one heck of a week!

A Reconciliation of Sorts

First I want to say thank you to my sistas for helping me get through what had to be the worst moment in my marriage yet! Nobody is perfect, and every relationship has it's rocky moments, but we've never had such a disagreement before with so much substance behind it. It really helped to have the support of women who have been through the pain of miscarriage and understood what I was going through. Thank you!

Since I'm up at an un-godly hour (I never get up this early!) I'll keep this as short as can be. Basically, we had a very adult discussion, not argument, yesterday. I sent DH an email (if you can believe that!) from work since it was my late night and I wanted to make sure I got everything off my chest without interruption or someone yelling at me...I also didn't want to be afraid of saying what I really felt about everything that's gone on. I think it helped that I was able to be so honest, and actually quite level-headed about the whole situation. I did mention the "D" word, but only because I don't think it's fair to make each other miserable with expectations that can never be fulfilled. So we discussed all of this. At first, DH said people don't change, so I thought it was over. But he said he does love me and he doesn't want it to be over. So we both discussed what we could do to make this right. And DH said he didn't really mean what he had said about Arabella the night before. He thought that since I was so sad by thinking about her, if I stopped I wouldn't be sad anymore. He also said he doesn't understand what I'm going through and, just as I've been told by my sistas, it wasn't very real to him because he didn't experience the pregnancy like I did. But he said it was still hard for him. I think that was the redeeming moment... If he really had felt the way he did about the loss, I know I couldn't see myself having children with a man as heartless as he appeared the night before. But it was a case of miscommunication and misunderstanding. So, we're working things out. We discussed our expectations of each other and how to make each other happy. I guess all we can do is just go from there. I still love him very much; I just don't want us to be miserable.