On Our Own

We survived being left alone! Brian went back to work yesterday. In spite of the lack of sleep, I managed to get in a shower, bring Maggie to work to fill out paperwork and drop off my doctor's note (that was about a 2 hour trip by itself), and go to Wal-Mart to return some things. Margaret was fantastic during all of that. Then we settled in for a short nap in the afternoon before Daddy came home.

Last night was a long night. I didn't manage to get in my evening nap, and Margaret insisted on waking for feedings every 2 hours from 1:00AM on. When she was still up at 6:00AM after eating a half hour or so before (but not fussing), I actually turned my back on her in the co-sleeper and went back to sleep. So did she...and she didn't wake until 9:45. If only she would have slept for a stretch like that last night!

Today was another busy day. Shower and then Maggie peed all over the changing pad during a diaper change. So we ended up with an impromptu bath for Maggie, as well. Then a trip to the pediatrician's office in the afternoon. Our little piggy is now 9 pounds 9 ounces! She gained over 1 pound in the last week! Her doctor said that's great though and that obviously, our mix of formula and breast feeding is working for her. After the doctor's, we even did some grocery shopping. Then I made cookies (well, I put the blocks of pre-made cookie dough on the cookie sheets and heated them up) and dinner. Then I uploaded some more photos to our gallery and updated Margaret's website. Busy day! Funny thing though... I LOVED it. I never pictured myself as being ABLE (content?) to be a stay at home mom, but it felt really good today and yesterday. We'll see if I still feel that way several weeks from now, but at least it's working for us currently.

I go back to work August 22nd. It will be here before we know it! :(

Some pictures:

Many Thanks!

First off, I want to thank all my sistas and friends I have found online for your support! Kether, Kat, Jackie, Jackie, Lauren, Christine, Jen, Carrie, etc, etc, etc!! You have been an immense help in dealing with the most recent struggles and I appreciate it so much!

We continue with bottle feeding. Brian has taken on most of the bottle feedings for now, but he will be returning to work on Wednesday, so I will be back to providing most of the meals. But at least her appetite isn't quite as demanding while on this mix of formula and breastfeeding. She was down from 14 to 10 feedings as of yesterday: 5 formula, 5 breastfeeding. For the most part, I'm concentrating on her night feedings as breastfeedings because it's easier than getting out of bed to make up a bottle for her. Not only is she less demanding, but she's sleeping great, too. I probably shouldn't say anything, lest I jinx it, but for 3 nights in a row now, we've gotten roughly 6.5-7 hours of sleep, total. She'll settle in around 11PM/midnight, sleep until around 3AM, feed for a half hour or so, and then sleep for another 3 or 4 hours. I can certainly deal with this schedule! Last night, she even completed her 2nd stretch of sleep in her co-sleeper! We put her in the Swaddle Me before bed last night, wondering if swaddling better would help her sleep better (and not have to sleep in our bed). It seems that made a difference. Bolstered by this success, I have an Amazing Miracle Blanket on the way. But I know, I know, she's only 10 days old...she can change this habit in an instant without any warning. I'm just enjoying it while it lasts.

The one drawback to formula: toxic poop. Last night I realized that she smelled like chemicals. It ended up being a poopy diaper (which, BTW, was one of only 3 that day...instead of her usual 8 or so when exclusively breastfed). Yuck! Brian was graced with a formula poop this morning, too. I was a bit freaked out that it smelled so "unnatural" - what's in that formula anyway that would make it smell so not like poop? But it doesn't seem to be bothering her any.

Margaret is much more alert now when she's awake. Her waking periods aren't long, but she looks around like she's taking in everything. I really must find a development guideline to figure out where she is. Is it possible she can focus further than 1ft away already? She's also been trying extensively to roll over when she's been on her play mat. I know this is NOT normal, but it's pretty cool to watch. I can't believe she's already becoming less of a "blob"! :)

I almost forgot! Becky is getting along well with her new little sister! She has taken on the role of protector, constantly checking up on Margaret. She does forget that she has to be gentle with her sometimes, but it's out of love and not malice. Our biggest problem is when Margaret is on her play mat, since Becky thinks she's supposed to play with Margaret and shower her with kisses.

Incredible Guilt

I ended up not mentioning my concerns at the pediatrician appointment on Wednesday. Every time I tried to discuss it with Brian, he would say it was okay, but he would have this look on his face that proved it was not. I felt too guilty to say anything, especially with how the pediatrician was promoting breastfeeding. I promised Brian one more day. Thursday came and we had a pretty good night with sleep and feeding. I tried to get through one more day before calling the pediatrician. Each feeding still upset me, but the guilt of giving it up when I don't *have* to was also eating away at me. Then last night we had a night from heck. Fussiness from 9:30PM until 2AM, when I gave up and actually took her into bed with us. Feeding wasn't helping, rocking wasn't helping, shushing wasn't helping. For some reason, co-sleeping helped. She slept until 6:30AM with us in bed, and at that point, I woke her up because I was afraid of her going too long without eating. We do not want this to become a habit. Co-sleeping may work well for others, but it scares me to have an infant in the bed with us, especially since we're 2 bigger people and I tend to move around a lot in my sleep.

Anyway, by 11AM today, I made the call. Again, feeling totally guilt-ridden when I was asked why I wanted to give it up. The doctor called back in the afternoon and we discussed the options. She really promoted doing a combination of breastfeeding and formula-feeding, but also acknowledged that I have to do what is best for our relationship in the end. She left it totally up to me. I talked with Brian about it and decided that I would give part-time breastfeeding a shot. This way, I can go back to breastfeeding if I decide formula isn't working for us; whereas, if I quit cold-turkey, my milk would dry up and I'd lose that chance.

Going to the store to buy that formula was a huge step for me, and it weighed heavily on my mind all afternoon. All the pros and cons of each option spun around in my mind constantly. Eventually, we did go to the store to buy that first can of formula: Nestle Good Start Supreme, 32 oz. The first $20 being spent, essentially, unnecessarily due to my emotional issues. I stared at the can when we got home, unsure of what to do. Finally, Brian offered to feed Margaret her first bottle. I followed the instructions to a T and gave him the first bottle of formula. I feared what would come next considering some of the stories I've heard of babies refusing bottles when Mommy is nearby. Amazingly, our little piggy had absolutely no problem taking the bottle. She did get confused and blow into the bottle instead of sucking out a few times, but she ate 2 oz like a champ. We've crossed the line. I still feel incredibly guilty. I don't know if that feeling will go away. But at least she ate, and that's what's most important.

Fear

You never really get rid of fear. Whether it's early pregnancy fear that you may lose that child, to fear of how you will provide for that child, it's always there on some level. My latest fear: Brian going back to work and leaving me alone with Maggie. Next Wednesday, he returns to work and I will be all alone. I'm not sure I can handle it. He has been a tremendous help, changing just about every dirty diaper (except on the night shift since I'm up anyway to feed her), as well as taking her every once in a while so I can squeeze in a nap. He loves playing with her, even though there isn't much they can do right now. And I love having him here with us. But when he returns to work and I will become not only the constant provider of food (which I already am), but also the sole source of entertainment and care, I'm afraid that I will not live up to the roles required of me.

I still think the root of this fear comes from the overwhelmed feeling I get from breastfeeding. I can't quite explain it, I guess, since Brian seems to think that my concerns are that I won't be able to feed her. It's not that at all. It's just the thought that every meal MUST come from me, whether it's on the boob itself or through a pumping. And with how demanding she has been for those meals, it just freaks me out a bit, I guess.

She was a little better yesterday. We tried to get in longer feeding sessions, in hopes that she would require them less often. We also tried to keep her up as much as possible during the day. I tried to take a nap at 8:30PM, but she wouldn't stop fussing for Brian and by 9:15, he brought her into our room. I was less than thrilled as I was already feeling a bit frazzled from no naps all day for me. We did a 40-odd minute feeding and I put her down for the night. The next time she awoke was at 12:20AM, a much longer stretch than usual. Again, another 40-45 minute feeding, and I put her down. This time, she woke up only 15 minutes later wanting to eat again. So another feeding, this one 30 minutes. Then, I didn't hear another peep from her until after 5AM. I could probably deal with this schedule if she would stick with it, but we all know that babies this age don't adhere to schedules. Still, the sleep was nice while I was able to get it.

Sleep Deprivation

I'm in love. Honest! It's hard to believe how much you can love someone you've never met and hardly know. I find myself staring at those long little fingers, that cute pouty mouth, and her pefect little nose, wondering how it is I deserved such a perfect little person in my life.

On the other hand, I miss my sleep. I don't mind less sleep. I just want *some* sleep. When I decided that breastfeeding was for me, I had no idea that the guidelines of 8-12 feedings a day, which is supposed to equate to a feeding every 2-3 hours, could actually mean feedings every 45 minutes or so all night long. We'll finish a feeding, and 30-45 minutes later, she wants to eat again. All night long. And if she doesn't get it, she screams. But she sleeps peacefully most of the day. I talked to the pediatrician about this today and basically, all I can do is wait out this phase. It takes time to reset a circadian rhythm and she's obviously confused about when she should be awake and when she should sleep. We did have some improvement in daytime awakenings today--she was more awake during the day today than any day so far--but I dread when the sun sets. I dread the night coming and spending the whole thing trying to appease her insatiable hunger. My milk is in, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. And my boobs are so raw from her eating so frequently. 8-12 times a day my butt...this one wants to eat 14+ times a day! I'm getting really overwhelmed by breastfeeding, by her constant need to feed and being the only one who can fulfill that need. I have a pump and can always start pumping and using expressed breastmilk but I would still be providing all of those meals. I feel like I don't do anything else. Brian joked with me the day after she was born and called me the "lunch truck." It was funny for a day or two, but now I really feel like that's what I am. I don't get to enjoy my time with her because she spends most of it eating, and while she's been a trooper latching on, she has a strong suck (even the pediatrician commented on this) which hurts even with proper latch. I came across some of my hospital paperwork today and it stated that bottle-fed babies only need to be fed 6-7 times a day. That sounds heavenly right now. I tried to talk to Brian about it, but he keeps urging me to continue, to not give up yet, stating that it will get better. I know it will eventually, but I will always be the one to provide all of her meals. I'm having a hard time with this right now. I always said I wanted to exclusively breastfeed because of the health benefits of breastmilk, and I still feel strongly about those benefits. But I also think it isn't worth it if you have to trade your sanity for those benefits. I'm not sure what to do.

We had our first pediatrician visit this morning. She now weighs 8 lbs 6 oz. The doctors at the hospital didn't tell us that she was slightly jaundiced, but I did notice before the appointment that she looked a little yellow. Her pediatrician ordered bloodwork (which she was absolutely wonderful for - not a peep out of her!) and her numbers are up to 14 from 9, but he's not worried about it. He said her case isn't bad and he recommends just getting her out into the sun more. Otherwise, she's totally healthy and very strong. We go back Wednesday for another appointment.

Per doctor's orders, we went for a walk today. Our first trip out in public with Maggie. We took her to the same nature preserve where Brian took those preggo shots of me a couple weeks ago. She was good for most of the walk, although she did start crying near the end.

I'm so tired... I would give anything for more than 1 hour of sleep at a time right now.

Welcome...

We're home! Finally!! (And thank you, Lauren, for posting an update!)

As Lauren mentioned, the initial induction didn't really do much of anything. They started the Pitocin at 10PM on Tuesday and by the end of the first round (1PM Wednesday), I was still only 2.5 cm dilated, but now 80% effaced instead of 70%. I had been having pretty good contractions all along, but apparently, they weren't good enough. They gave me a 3 hour break to eat and shower, and then I was back on the Pitocin at 4PM. My doctor came by at 8PM to break my water (not exactly a pleasant sensation when you're stuck in a bed, BTW) and then the fun really began. They did let me labor in the jacuzzi tub for an hour, but after that, her heartrate was up to 200 bpm, so they made me lay on my side in bed so they could monitor her closely. Laying on my side made things A LOT worse. The contractions started coming one on top of the other, and they were long. I couldn't take the pain anymore and asked for the epidural just before midnight. Which was fortunate because when they checked me before giving the epidural, I was only 4cm dilated. I was able to sleep a bit but at 3:30AM, I started to get the urge to push. The OB had checked me not long before and I was 6cm dilated. I told the nurse about my problem and she checked me again...now 8cm and 100% effaced. She checked to see if upping the epidural would help, but it didn't do any good. She said she'd be back in a 1/2 hour to check me again... That time was pure agony. I knew pushing too soon could cause problems, so I had to fight the urge. And a half hour turned into an hour, during which time Brian pretty much slept right through it all. Finally, she came back at 4:30AM and said I was ready to go. It freaked me out a bit that it was just Brian, the nurse, and me trying to deliver this baby, but after about 15 minutes of pushing, she called for my OB. At 5AM, Margaret Isabelle came into this world... with the help of a nasty episiotomy (and a ton of sutures - ouch!!). Like Lauren said, 9 lbs 2 oz, 20.5 inches long, and healthy as could be. When we were discharged today, she was down to 8 lbs 5 oz, but they said that's normal, especially when breastfeeding.

Feeding has been going well so far. Maggie caught on fast as to what she's supposed to do. I'm getting a bit sore, but per the nurses, our technique is right, so I guess I'm just at that breaking-in phase.

I'm tired, I hope to never spend that much time in the hospital again, and I'm sore... but it was all worth it. We're in love. :)

Baby Peep is here!

I just got the call from Carrie!!!! Yes, she has been in labor this
whole time - ouch!

And what you've all been waiting for - Peep is a girl!!! Margaret
Isabelle was born at 5:00 a.m. June 16th. She weighed 9 pounds, 2
ounces (yikes!) and was 20 1/2 inches long.

Carrie started the pitocin at 10:00 p.m. on Tuesday and she didn't
dilate any further during that whole first round. They started a second
round on Wednesday afternoon and broke her water around 8:00 last
night. Then around midnight the contractions were really bad, so she
got an epidural. Pushing started around 4:30 a.m. and she was born at
5:00 a.m. exactly.

Carrie sounds great for being so exhausted! She will be in the hospital
until Saturday. I told her we better see pictures then!

Congratulations Carrie!!!