Yeah, Um, Does Anyone Remember Me?

Yeah, I haven't been so good on the blogging front. Well, first there was the big mess of my life from late April til... well, it's kind of ongoing, but mostly ended in June. At least it was a catalyst for positive changes, too. Then I switched mostly over to MySpace for a while and blogged there. I liked that I could keep it more private. But, well, I strayed from there, too. Then Facebook grabbed my attention because some of my friends were on there and hey, I could play games, and again, more private... So, that's where I've been.

The quick summary: Mags turned 3 in June, Ethan turned 1 in May. 13 years together with Brian as of August. Went back to college in August to finish pursuing my B.A. English (2 classes at a time). Taking 2 English courses currently. Celebrated my 31st birthday in October. Getting geared up for ski season!

Yup, that's the quick summary. I haven't forgotten, just sidetracked. I'm not sure if I'll keep this updated anymore... seems out of date considering the alternatives. But I didn't want anyone to worry about my disappearance either. :D I'm alive, I'm doing well, no worries. Life is good!

Long Absence

And an even longer story. For now, the short version is Brian and I are back together and have been for a month now. We attended his sister's wedding over the weekend. Beautiful occasion, gorgeous bride, happy times.

Help a friend out?

A dear friend of mine is raising funds for the March of Dimes. It's a cause close to her heart as her son was born 8 weeks premature. The March of Dimes has done much to increase the chances of survival for prematurely born babies. Won't you help?

In The Blink Of An Eye

Wow, the world can really change in the blink of an eye. One day, I'm a stressed out mommy who hasn't been away from her kids for more than 2 hours/week for the last 2 months. Sad because hubby had been out a few times for drinks with friends while I was stuck home. The next, I'm booking a flight to Colorado - by myself!!

I got invited to a Diva ski trip to Arapahoe Basin. I've never been. In fact, I've never been to Colorado. Nor have I skied outside of New England. It really touched me how my friend went out of her way to convince hubby that this would be a wonderful Mother's Day gift for me. Ultimately, the decision was mine to make (and I ran it by the physical therapist first, in light of my rehabbing knee). But it made me feel so good to know that others really do care about me.

So I'm going! Mother's Day weekend I will join nearly a dozen other Divas for a fantastic ski weekend. A little R&R, some time to myself, and then I'll be recharged and ready to be a fab mommy again. :) I can't wait!

Ha Ha

Glitter Graphics & Comments


I actually emailed Brian a picture of an old positive HPT this morning. He pretended to be freaked out, but he knew right away. Though he did ask why I was trying to give him a heart attack.

No offense to anyone who is TTC... but we are done. At this point, an HPT+ would be scary.

Noodle Legs

I finally got to ski again yesterday! Granted, it was only green trail cruising so as not to further injure my knee - but it was worth it! The 2.5 hours of on-hill time were full of challenges. My fitness level is pretty much caput after 6 weeks of near-inactivity to preserve and heal my knee. The snow was challenging with temps in the 40s yesterday. I hit snow that was frozen, hardpack, loose granular, and slush. The heavy, wet spring snow is harder to ski in anyway, but scarier when you're afraid of hurting yourself. And fear was my biggest opponent yesterday. Fear of falling. Fear of hurting myself. Complete lack of confidence. Sure, I was in new boots on new skis, but I could handle myself. I was just afraid of hitting a bump too fast again and completing the tear in my knee.

Kind of disappointing to end the season skiing worse than when I started. :( But it was still good to be out! And boy am I sore today!

Knee Injury De-Mystified

I ended up having to go for an MRI last week to find out what was wrong with my knee. The diagnosis? Fluid behind the knee, bruised bones, and a partially torn ACL. The orthopedist was quite surprised by the tear. Since I'm not a 16 year old athlete (seriously, he mentioned that) and it's partially torn, we've decided to go with physical therapy instead of surgery. Therapy started on Wednesday. I can't believe how weak my knee has become in the 6 weeks since the injury. Still, I'm relieved to know it's not a full tear. On to recovery!!!

And the pain marches on...

My knee is still hurt. I'm now 3 weeks post-injury and it should have been feeling better by now. Instead, it's getting progressively worse. From what I've read, I'm starting to wonder if I have a meniscus tear or injury. I will be calling the orthopedist on Monday. Looks like there will be no more skiing for me this season. :( No work, either. Can't stand for my shifts. I miss it terribly.

Why am I so cold?

It's raining outside. Raining. All that beautiful wintery snow, the lifeforce that gets me through the dreary days of winter... and my source of part-time income... is melting away. And yet I'm COLD. Warm enough for rain...but cold enough to chill me more than usual. Odd.

Don't mind the meandering thoughts. I'm in a bit of a random mood right now.

The Irony...

Remember my January 25th post about how cramped we are but we're getting by and had no plans to move? That my dad pitched the idea of us moving in again but I said I wasn't biting? Some things have cropped up which have changed all of this for us...

It's a really long story so I'll try to condense as much as possible. My friend is going through a divorce and to help her out, I mentioned that the apartment upstairs was vacant (back in December?). Her son and my daughter love to play together so we thought it would be a good arrangement. Til one day when she got angry with me because she asked to put her jogging stroller in the garage and I told her there wasn't any room for it there. (There really isn't... the garage is a sore topic between Brian and me because it's 2-layers-deep of junk, mostly.) Well, she didn't like the answer I gave her so she called the landlord, complained to him about that (and who knows what else... probably our rent because she was telling me I don't pay enough, though who knows how she suddenly became an expert having never been a landlord herself). The next thing I know, I get a letter in the mail that our rent is going up $50/month, we no longer will have the garage included, he wants us to sign a yearly lease (that says things like if we move before the lease is over, he can keep our security deposit... we're currently month-to-month), and that he wants us to fork over a $600 security deposit. "Oddly", when this letter arrived, I had not heard from my former friend in a week (she usually calls daily).

Yeah, we aren't paying more money for less, especially at this house. It's not worth it. But there are 4 of us and a dog, and we're not really in a position to be affording more rent anywhere - and rentals are difficult, at best, to find with a dog - nearly impossible before April 1st, which is when all of these changes are supposed to occur. So the first thing I could think of was to call my Dad, remembering what he pitched recently.

I should know better because that's turning sour already. We put in our notice that we would be out by May 15th (and I had to explain to him that we are not signing the lease, just can't get out earlier because the place we're moving won't be ready until then) and Dad flaked on refinancing his house so he could make the changes necessary for us to move in. NOT TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

There's a lot more to all of this and I'm trying to keep it brief but suffice it to say, I'll believe it when I see it regarding us actually moving in with my parents. Though if we don't, I'm not sure what we'll do.

Great friend I have, eh?

These Boots Were Made For Walking...

The boy walks! He was practicing with a step here and there for the weeks preceding, but on his 9 month birthday, he decided to celebrate by walking 12 steps across the living room! (And only stopped because he reached his destination!) I wish I wasn't exercising at the time so I could have photographed it! In fact, he's been pretty elusive to photographic proof. Or real life proof, for that matter. I'm sure many think I'm making it up, but he really does walk. Yesterday, I couldn't get him to stop and that silly grin plastered on his face the entire time is precious.

Then again, we're in trouble because he's REALLY mobile now! EEK!

Psssst!

I know it's early, but...

Damn

Knee, that is. Sprained it last Friday while skiing. That's what I get for waxing my skis and going too fast in a tricky situation just to get out of it quicker. Still, it sucks. Ski season only has about a month left around here (and probably half of that will be "spring skiing") so this is a real crappy time to be out of commission. 4 weeks until our Mad River Glen trip, too. But the orthopedist assured me that I should be healed up within a couple of weeks and good to go for the trip. It just sucks in the meantime.

At least I wasn't at work for the last week facing the temptation. Last night I returned and it was bittersweet. Nice to get out of the house again, but my knee killed all night long and it was sad to see everyone else having so much fun on the slopes. I had some crazy idea initially that I would load up on ibuprofen today and go for the demo day... HA! Not going to happen! If I couldn't handle 4 hrs of mostly standing and little movements, there's no way I could give any ski a proper tryout today. Poop!

Just Plain Stuff

Too much of it. My apartment is way too cluttered and we decided not to use the tax refund to move this year. Guess that means it's time to part with some of it. Somehow. I have tried freecycling, donating to Goodwill, selling on eBay and message forums, but it seems that for every item I remove, 3 more pop up in its place. I think I just need somebody to come take all my stuff out of the house. Then I can be really selective about what goes back in and leave all the rest for whomever wants it.

At least the kiddos are happy. Through some strange turn of fate, Mags actually laid down on the living room floor and put herself down for a nap an hour ago. I was watching "Breakfast at Tiffanys" and didn't realize it until the movie was over. Ethan had been drifting in and out of sleep on my lap so I tried putting him down in his crib... he popped awake immediately. After 3 more attempts, though, I finally got him down, too. Bliss!!!! It's quiet and peaceful. Too bad it's late in the day. 2 kids napping at 5:30PM=disaster later on tonight. But I'll take it for now. I could use a break.

Managing

SIGH. Kids can be very tiring. But I'm managing.

Since it was asked, I'll delve a little into history. We currently live in a 4-room, 700sq ft apartment (2 bedrooms). It's an apartment in a 3-family house on 0.25 acre. We used to own the house - we bought it in November 2001. In 2003, my father had this great idea that we should sell the house and move in with them to save money. We sold the house but he fell through on his end of the bargain. We've been renting from the new owner ever since.

When we bought the house, it was hard enough fitting the 2 of us in the apartment. Then Becky, our dog, came along and it got tighter. When Maggie was born, we insisted we would move soon because 3 people and 1 dog in such a small space was getting crowded. And in the summer 2006, my father once again came up with the brilliant idea that we move in with them - only this time, he said I should quit my job since I was missing my daughter's childhood. Since we were going to move in with them anyway, we started TTC. Then once again, my dad fell through on his end of the bargain. It took a lot of courage to continue TTC and quit my job, even though money became extremely tight with half the income.

So here we are, 4 of us in this tiny apartment. Maggie has a bedroom that is roughly 10x11 with a closet built into the room. She has her twin bed, changing table, tall dresser, short cabinet (for toys), and Ethan's crib all crammed into that space. Our bedroom is roughly 9x10 and we have a queen bed, bookcase, 2 tall dressers, 1 low dresser, and 2 nightstands crammed into there. Ethan has been co-sleeping with us because we didn't want him to wake Maggie at night, but now we're transitioning him to his crib as he sleeps better when I'm not so available to him.

I've been saying for the last year that once we get our tax refund this year, we'll move. But we have no money saved (it all went to paying hospital bills for Ethan's birth and my foot break) and it seems a shame to spend right away whatever we would get. So even though we're cramped, I'm thinking that we'll put into savings this year's refund (or pay off some debt, too) and wait until next year to move. Sharing a room can be good for them, right? I shared a room with my sister until I was 10 years old. We lived in an originally 5-room/later converted to 6-room apartment until there were 4 children in our family. It can be done.

The twist? Yesterday while visiting my father, he pitched his idea of us moving in again. I'm not biting this time....

Spiraling Out of Control

My life, that is.

My 8 month old has never slept well since 5 weeks of age. Lately, that has grown exponentially. I do not do well on little sleep. I do worse on none. Plus I get irritated as hell when I get slapped and beaten by an 8 month old who appears to only want to stay up all night and crank and complain about it. No real reason for it - no fever, doesn't want to nurse (other than the occasional comfort thing), just wants to be a pain in the ass. I'm not handling it well.

I'm not handling a lot of things well right now...

My Love-Hate Relationship With Food

Part of taking care of myself involves being more conscious of what I'm putting into my body. You can't expect high performance off of empty calories and junk. But I hate tracking food. It takes all the fun out of it. And to me, food (for most of my life) has been simply about enjoying the taste of it. That's why we have taste buds, isn't it?

On the other hand, when you're trying to lose weight, food takes on a whole new meaning. What's "good" and "bad"? What's "healthy" and "unhealthy"? It's a dichotomy that drives me nuts. Low fat, low sodium, low sugar....low fun.

I don't want my children to have the problems I do with food, though. I look to it for comfort when I should be looking elsewhere.

In any case, so now that I'm tracking food again, I don't even feel like eating. Which is worse. Can't I just fast-forward over the hard part and get to the part where I'm losing weight? Ugh...

Caring for All

The problem of being a SAHM is that you spend so much time taking care of everyone else that you tend to forget about caring for yourself. Or you put your needs on the back burner so that by day's end, they're still not met because you needed to get everything else done first. This is a problem I'm still having even though I've been a SAHM for over a year now, and it's only gotten worse.

Today I took some time to take a nice, long, hot shower. Like the kinds I used to take every day when I worked. Only then, I had someone to watch Mags while I was in the shower (or she was still asleep) whereas these days, the kids will wreck the house if left to their own devices for too long (and they don't nap). Amazing how something so small can make such a big difference though. I feel human again. I was in a terrible mood when I woke up (if you can call it such as I had no more than 20 minutes of consecutive sleep during the entire night, totaling probably no more than 4 or 5 hours). But now, I'm refreshed. The world doesn't seem quite so terrible.

Clearly I need to do more to take care of myself. One of the first steps is to get back on track with healthy eating habits and exercise. I'm below my pre-pregnancy weight with Maggie, but I'm still 8 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight with Ethan. And 56.8 lbs above my goal weight (yeah, I gained a lot of weight over the years, though only 34.8 lbs of that were after high school). My SIL's wedding is in July, we have another family wedding in October. I want to look good for once. I want to stop feeling like my body is in the way of enjoying life. And I vow that I will hit my goal weight before the start of the next ski season. That gives me roughly 40 weeks to lose nearly 60 lbs. Definitely realistic and I WILL do it!

The good news is that I am 36.2 lbs below my highest weight ever. :) That's progress, especially since I've had 2 kids since then.

SAD

...as in Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've never been "diagnosed" with such, but I've noticed a pattern over past winters that point to this disorder. I've had problems with depression since adolescence. I attempted suicide twice in my teens. I even thought at one point that I might be rapid-cycling bipolar (and while the therapist agreed with me, the psychiatrist did not and therefore insurance would not pay for therapy - so I stopped going). But winter is hard for me. And if I don't get good quality sleep, it's even more difficult.

Not every day sucks, but many do in subtle ways. I have little energy. I have no desire to do the basic stuff that needs to be done (laundry, dishes, caring for myself). I cycle between barely eating and binging on junk food. I have a short temper and little patience. My self-esteem has plummeted. I spend money I don't have. Lots of it. I'm ashamed at how much money I've charged up over the last few months and how this has burdened our family. It temporarily makes me feel better, but then I feel guilty not long afterwards and I start to panic at the mere thought of the bills and the fact that I can't make any headway on them (and then rationalize that since I can't pay them in full anyway, what's another few $... or hundred). And I have a partner who doesn't understand, nor does he want to. His answer to depression? "Why can't you just be happy?"

A few things have helped. Fresh air at work (even though it's dark when I'm there). Skiing (exercise). Hanging out with friends (though at the first sign of depression, I alienate myself and start avoiding my friends). Eating healthy foods (though I have no desire to when I'm in the throes of it all). And sleep... sleep being one I can't really control these days, thanks to Ethan.

Depression sucks.

Toddler Tantrums

Life with a toddler is never dull. Never.

Mags is going through a pushing and taking away phase right now. Anything her brother has, she instantly wants, and she pushes him as she snatches it and runs. This results in a lot of tears in the house (both theirs and mine).

Today I tried instituting a naughty spot. In the past, it used to be just sending her to her room until she calmed down. But I was afraid that was giving her the wrong message, so I chose the butterfly rug that's always sloshing about on the floor as a good portable naughty spot. As she was kicking and screaming from one of her recent hate-fests, I explained to her she would need to sit on the naughty spot for 2 minutes for pushing her brother over and hurting him. I figured I would need to return her to the spot a few times, but she would eventually get it. What I didn't count on is that I couldn't get her to stay on the spot at all, period. Instantly after being applied to the spot, she would roll away, kicking and screaming "no, no, no, no" over and over again in hysterics.

After 15 minutes of applying her to the spot, having her roll away, picking her up and re-applying, I gave up. Ethan kept coming over to check out what was going on, and she would continue pushing him while in this hysterical fight of wills. So I closed the door instead and told her she had to stay in her room. I couldn't get her to get on the naughty spot to begin with so why continue fighting all day. The point wasn't getting across to her, obviously.

I don't know how long, but she continued the hysterical tantrum for quite some time. I'm not one to let my kids cry, but she wasn't in need of anything other than venting. The only cure was to let her wind down on her own. Even if she sounded like she was in a torture chamber.

What is it that makes little kids get so wound up? I know there's all this stuff about them exploring the world and their place in it, testing boundaries, etc. But I never would have imagined a child could continue on for as long as she did over nothing really. The tantrum started before the punishment (she was cranky when she started pushing Ethan).

In any case, she's calmed down now. But I'm frazzled. Babies crying for something I can handle. Toddlers screaming for no good reason, I'm stumped. I'm completely at a loss.

Zen

We all need that little something that lets us just live in the moment. The head is clear and for just a little while, you're not worried about how many loads of laundry are waiting for you, or whether you paid the phone bill on time. It's your time, for you alone.

My zen is downhill skiing. It's my only escape, these days. Well, that and work (but that's a different kind of escape). My few hours with nobody else to worry about, nobody to cater to, where my body is my own and my time is mine to use as I see fit. I love it.

It's kind of ironic, actually. I was not born with athletic ability. I was never into sports in my youth (though I did waterski from about 8th grade through my senior year of high school, but that was once a week at best at my grandparents' cottage). Heck, I didn't even learn how to ski until I was 26 years old!! Still, as soon as I got over the fear of trying it, I was sucked in and I'll never look back.

Last night I had some of those beautiful few hours to myself. It was my first time out in 10 days, due to my back and shoulder injury from my fall at work. Even last night I almost didn't go due to the pain. But I popped a couple of ibuprofen and decided to give it a go. I'm glad I did. I really needed a couple of hours of selfish enjoyment.

Not long into the night, I bumped into a couple of Brian's ski buddies. I ended up sharing lift rides with them the rest of the night, as well as skiing some of the mountain with them (they're more advanced skiers so I couldn't join them entirely). I'm so used to skiing by myself these days, but it was nice to have someone to talk to during the down time.

Bliss.

I Am Loved, After All!

It looks like I haven't been abandoned! (And that apparently, I should have looked into this bloglines thing long ago, since that's the wave of the future, LOL!)

Another exciting day in the household. Yesterday we went on a Coach mission, to see what I could find the best deals on. After visiting 2 TJ Maxxes, 1 Marshalls, 1 Nordstroms, 1 Macys, and 1 actual Coach boutique, I am happy to report I actually returned home empty-handed. It was tough, but I didn't see anything that I absolutely loved and I promised myself I wouldn't buy just because I found an awesome deal (like I usually do - you know, the whole "I didn't spend money, I saved it" mentality). Did find some awesome deals at TJ Maxx, though. And 1 at Nordstroms, surprisingly. But I was a good girl.

The day out killed my shoulder, however. Did I tell you about my fall? I've been working part-time at a local ski hill scanning lift tickets. It's a lot of standing outside in the cold, but the pay is okay and I get to ski free at night, so it's worth it (plus it's a little adult time for me, which is a huge plus!). Last week while I was working, I went over to the chairlift to ask the boss a question. Stepped down on the wooden platform and lost my feet from under me. It must have been cartoon-like. One moment I was standing, the next I was flat on my back. He looked genuinely concerned and offered me a hand while asking if I was okay, but I couldn't even answer - I had the wind knocked out of me. How many times in your life do you fall flat on your back? Not often. The last time for me was, ironically, only a couple weeks prior when I was trying to ski a new trail and I lost it when going a little too fast over a bump. That fall took 2 weeks to recover from (mainly because I tweaked my knee).

In any case, there I was, lying on my back, unable to speak. I finally did manage to get out that I was okay but I just needed to lie there for a moment. The pain was surprising and plentiful. Eventually, I managed to sit, but again needed a moment. I did get up on my feet again by myself, but I was so embarrassed. The boss (20 years old and good-looking, I must add) asked me if I was alright but I was way too humiliated to admit how much pain I was really in. The pride hurts more than anything else. I worked the 2.5 hrs left in my shift, then cried my entire way home from work, fearing I wouldn't make it home because it hurt just to steer the car.

So back to the shoulder... when I fell, my left arm was under me. I must have put it there instinctively to try to break my fall. Instead, I ended up with a bruise on my butt from my knuckles, plus my shoulder and elbow were tweaked a bit. This has been the most enduring of the pains from that fall since that's the arm I usually carry Ethan with. And Ethan requires carrying all the time as he's quite the attached mama's-boy. Last night was the worst it had been in a few days. But I managed. After all, boss-man was on again last night and I wasn't going to show that I couldn't stick it out with the guys. I'm no wuss!

Is anybody even here anymore?

Probably not... I neglected my blogging duties for far too long. :(

Mags, Ethan, and I decided to go on a field trip yesterday. Headed up to the outlet stores about 1 hr away on a nice scenic drive. It was a balmy 46 degrees as we strolled from shop to shop (with Mags mostly squished into one side of the Maclaren twin stroller we received as a baby gift when Ethan was born... she's supposed to fit in theory but is too tall).

First time I shopped in Coach, too. I'm hooked. I received a silver lurex wristlet for Christmas from my mother-in-law and that fueled the frenzy. I'm now the proud owner of the following collection:


Mags has her first Coach, too. I found a lanyard card holder that was marked down to $19.99, plus 20% off. For only $15.99 I couldn't resist getting her a little "bling". LOL!

Today is a day back in reality. Washing dishes and doing laundry (or at least trying to) amidst laughter and screams alike from the children. It's not always domestic bliss, but it is my life. Raining today, too. I feel cooped up but dressing and dragging the little ones out into torrential downpours is not my idea of fun. So we're just hanging out.

Better go... one is laughing and the other crying... not a good sign.

Images of the holidays....

Absent...

...but missing you.

Crazy crazy times here. Time flies, too. It's funny how one day can feel like an eternity, yet before you know it, weeks have flown by.

Ethan is now 7 months old. He started crawling proficiently during Thanksgiving weekend. He's been cruising for about a month now. He even tries to stand on his own already. I'm scared. Really. He babbles. I swear he said, "I pooped" the other day. I wasn't the only one who heard it, too. Great first words, eh? But mostly, he's getting to the point where Maggie feels he's a great playmate.

Mags (as she prefers to be called these days) is growing into quite the precocious little lady. She's inquisitive and sharp. She's working on singing the ABC song (with only some errors, though she has the tune right). She loves to count... "1, 2, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" LOL. Refusing to use the potty though. At 2.5 years old, I figured she would have been out of diapers by now - but she has no interest in leaving them behind. Eventually, right?

I'm now working part time a couple of nights a week at a local ski area. Yeah, I'm outside for 5 hours at a time but it's all good. Gets me out into the real world for a little while and I get to ski free at night, too. Which I have been doing, 1-2 nights a week. So glad to have skiing back in my life. Clears my mind and centers me so I can take on the next day a little refreshed and renewed, in spite of the continual lack of sleep.

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