Motivation...and Lack Thereof...

Losing steam already in the Quarter Marathon training. I signed up yesterday for a 5K on the Saturday after Thanksgiving to keep me going. Knowing I have to run 3.1 miles in a month and a half will keep me honest--I hope!

School is a whole other problem. I fell behind while sick 2 weeks ago and I am still not caught up. And the worst part is, I don't feel like catching up. I'm tired!!! All I want to do is take a nap or something. And when I do sit down to do homework, the kids constantly interrupt me. It's terribly frustrating.

That said, I know which classes I'll be taking next semester. Interesting schedule in that I will only have 1 night class; the rest are mid-day or evening. So I guess we'll see if being home at night will help any in completing homework assignments (though I've heard the kids have been terrible at bedtime this semester so that doesn't bode well!). I will be taking the following:

Monday/Wednesday 5PM-6:15PM ~ Elementary Discrete Mathematics
Monday 6:30PM-9PM ~ Social Anthropology
Tuesday/Thursday 11:15AM-12:30PM ~ Intro to Literary Studies
Tuesday/Thursday 2PM-3:15PM ~ Advanced Study English: Gothic & Romantic Literature

What's funny about the English classes is that last year, Intro to Literary Studies was added as a requirement for the English degree, and I'll be taking it after already completing 6 upper-level English courses. Add to that the Advanced Study from the other end of the spectrum and it's slightly comical.

Not looking forward to the math course. I have not taken math since junior year of high school--this may not go well. But I need another quantitative course so there it is.

Luckily, my youngest brother will be watching the kids while I'm at school. He's not the most responsible person but we know him, the kids love him, and he's even refusing payment. :)

After the spring semester, that leaves me with 2 Literary courses from before 1800, a European history, a Medieval/Ancient history, and a U.S. History survey course (this being a teaching requirement, not degree requirement). Rounded out with 3 electives and I'll be done for May 2011! Almost there!

Running...The Addiction

Going off the high of competing Sunday, I spent a lot of time on Monday glowing about the measly accomplishment of at least finishing. And then the plans became grandiose. I sought out events at active.com as goals for the future...and found a biggie.

On April 3, 2010, I will be running the Greater Hartford Quarter Marathon. This is a 6.55-mile course of ups and downs around the reservoirs in West Hartford, CT. I've ridden my bike on the part of these trails before and there are quite a few hills. I also am only up to running 1.72 miles consecutively right now, so I have some training to do. But when I consulted with friends who run, all felt this is an attainable goal. So I did it! I registered!

On to the training!!!

At Least I Got Out Of Bed...

With a cold that started at the end of the week and a lack of training between the cold that hit in late August and a lack of time once school resumed, I really was not ready to run the Bristol Mum-a-Thon 2-mile race yesterday. I contemplated staying in bed where it was nice and warm (versus getting up, with no heat in the house, to get dressed and face the 34ish degree temps outside). In the end, a combination of guilt from watching the Hartford Marathon the previous day and determination to not let this all get me down won. I got out of bed and went to the race, knowing I would not do well.

My sister-in-law joined me. It helped that she didn't really train for the race either--in fact, she is not a runner and hates exercise! We weren't able to train together because she lives 45 minutes away but I'm glad she did the race with me!

Here's right before the start (Brian and the kids are off to the right):


Going up that first stretch of about 1/2 downhill and 1/2 uphill (my sister-in-law and I are in the middle of the photo-I'm in hot pink and black):


Coming in to the finish line:






Final results:
112/122~(23/23 in my age division)~26:18~13:09 pace

Not great...but at least I got out of bed!

This is the map of the course:


Photos are from: http://bristolct.net/slideshows/slideshow.asp?s=1&c=296&Year=2009

Life Happens The Way It's Supposed To

As you probably guessed, the nonsense of last month has blown over. I am very grateful for my personal voice of reason reaching out across the country to gift me some perspective on the situation--THANK YOU!!! Once I stepped back and let it go, it didn't seem quite as bad. And now, it's no longer the news of the week. Thank goodness.

Stepping back is hard to do though. Not only from that but the bigger picture. This semester includes, yet again, a selection of books that include infidelity as a key part of the action. Nothing like having to read about it over and over again and then being required to discuss a topic on which you know too much and would rather not discuss. And yet, I find that when this topic comes up time and time again in class and these young girls justify the infidelity found in these so-called works of literature that my blood begins to boil and I feel like they are so ignorant of reality, that they don't really know what they are saying, but if they truly believe it...then I hope they're never in for that rude awakening.

And yet, it's a part of the fabric of my life. I'm pretty matter of fact about it when I choose to share the situation, not because I want to make B feel bad or punish him, but rather because it was and continues to be a huge learning experience in my life. Just as my miscarriage shaped the person I am today, so has this. With the bad came some very good. And to dismiss the situation as never happening, to ignore it entirely, is to lose the lesson. Even though I don't want to go out and discuss it (most of the time--sometimes I get these weird philosophical musings on the topic in general, but that usually freaks people out and they clam up) I think it's wrong for people to pretend it doesn't exist. And it's wrong for a betrayed partner to feel ashamed of the situation. Those who are uninitiated are quick to arrive at an opinion of blaming entirely either the wayward partner (being s/he is a philandering jerk) or the betrayed partner (that s/he was too cold, didn't love enough, didn't do enough and so s/he deserved it). But it's never that cut and dry. Two people are involved in the relationship and both are responsible for their half of the duo--and infidelity is never a valid response to the situation. Never. One person stated last night that our book, The Good Soldier, is "messy." That's probably the best way to describe a situation involving infidelity. It is messy. It's difficult to untangle, especially if the wayward isn't remorseful or looking to work the situation out.

But it happens the way it's supposed to. And that's okay because in the end, it's all what you make of it. This does not define the person. It's what s/he does with it that matters...

Everyday Stress

How is it kids know exactly how to push your buttons? Today Mags peed her pants yet again while playing outside with the kids upstairs. While I had her in the bathroom stripping her down, the kid upstairs opened the door and let Ethan in, almost letting Becky out. I shooed Ethan back out and told the boy that Mags was busy. Well, I'm a little behind on laundry right now so I had to go down to the basement to do some after this incident. Mags was in undies only and I told her she had to stay in. I return upstairs to find her outside on the porch. I wrangle her in and the next thing I know, the mom upstairs is at the door with my dog, and Ethan is out by the road. All hell has broken loose. I get the dog and kiddo inside...fold laundry and dare to use the bathroom. While I'm in the bathroom, Ethan takes the pen I was using for homework notes and writes all over my laptop monitor. GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

I'm physically and mentally exhausted right now. I cannot believe how much tension there is in my neck, shoulders, and back. And all I want to do is go to sleep. I'm surprised the neighbor didn't call the authorities on me after today's adventures, especially since I lost my cool and yelled a bit, too. She's into attachment parenting so we don't mesh all that well these days (I believe her kids still sleep in her bed at 4 and 2 years old, for example). SIGH. And I have to get homework done because tomorrow I will miss out on a few hours of homework time to see the doctor about an ongoing female health issue I've been having.

Is it Saturday yet? I need a break.

I'm A Rock Star

Last night my mom had a party for my sister's 28th birthday. Big turkey dinner, excellent cake, followed by Rock Band--Beatles and regular versions. It's dorky but I had a good time. Drank a couple beers, tried a new drink with some really old whiskey that tasted like butt (my dad has had it since he got married 33 years ago and it was a 10-year-old whiskey at the time--it did not age well), played the drums, and sang. Good decompression.

I think some of the forum issues have been cleared up. A few of my friends stepped forward and tried to clarify their behavior/what was going on. I'm still not entirely sure who to trust but at least the lines of communication are open. In retrospect, I likely over-reacted to the situation because I was already feeling down. I apologized.

Today is beautiful but chilly. Waiting for Brian to get back from his bike ride so I can work on homework. Yay. Not so much. Ever read D.H. Lawrence's Women in Love? It's difficult to wade through yet quite interesting if you give it a chance. Some very relevant quotes for today. Also shows how passionate women can get about love and men--in good and bad ways. I have 135 pages more to read for tomorrow and that's just the first half! Another 250 pages for next week...

Further Thoughts on Last Night's Post

Tonight was American Studies (1830s)--as seminar course where you just never know what you'll come across. For some reason, we got on the topic of companionate marriage and how America was different from most of the world at the time because of this. Most places were still strongly attached to marriage for business-connections, bettering the family's class, increasing lands, etc. In America, however, they had this crazy idea of marrying because they actually *liked* the other person--imagine that!

Then it clicked! This crazy idea of choosing our partners because we want them (which is a practice that's only 200-250 years old by estimates) could be a big reason why so much of the world turns a blind eye to affairs or even polygamy. If you are from a history of connections that don't fulfill what you want other than power or money--certainly not someone who sets your passions afire and you want to spend your time with--then no wonder why this would be the norm and we would seem uptight over here for being upset about it. No wonder!

Yeah... it was a dumb leap and should have been more obvious, I know. But for some reason, I keep looking for a reason why this happens in general. The societal views and what makes it okay in some places and not in others. I can't help myself--people say something that is barely, remotely related to the topic and all the sudden I have an epiphany and want to discuss it. Something most people are not receptive to since it is such a hush-hush topic here.

I'm crazy.

I'm also feeling a bit defunkified. The forum shit is still going on. Realizing that some of these people I knew were not presenting themselves as they really are is disheartening. I've lost some people I thought were friends over this nonsense. But I guess they were never really friends in the first place--just shadows of what I hoped they would be and there's no point in chasing something that doesn't exist. Life as a hermit is so much easier.

Final Thought of the Evening

Tonight in World Religions we were discussing misconceptions about religions and in particular, Mormonism. We watched a documentary called "American Mormons" which was quite interesting in that people (at least, those chosen to be featured) don't know a whole lot about Mormonism (not that I claim to be any expert because I am not) and have it mixed up with many other ideas. What's on my mind right now--the polygamy idea. Or more specifically, polygyny as it was multiple-wives in particular that was proclaimed by Brigham Young in 1853 to be the new everlasting covenant of marriage (i.e. righteous men should take multiple wives--something that was not a new idea, mind you--and was put in place probably partly due to the fact that in their oppression as they moved across the country, many of their members were dying). However that practice ended in 1890 with the manifesto threatening immediate excommunication for polygyny among mainstream Mormons. Most interviewed thought that it was still standard practice.

Here's where the part that's engaging my mind at the moment comes in... according to the professor, 70% of societies practice polygyny. Granted, it's not for all men: they have to be wealthy and have a good reason. Still, monogamy is in the minority. That's staggering. I thought a lot last year about whether man (as a species) was supposed to be monogamous--whether it's our Puritanical American view that makes this a bone of contention (since many other countries openly speak out against our frigidness) and we're really fighting nature, or if it's purely a societal thing. Regardless, it's clear that in this country, it is not looked upon favorably. But does that mean it's "wrong"? Are we fighting a losing battle? When you consider 50% of marriages end in divorce in our country and, according to our counselor, somewhere around 70% of relationships deal with infidelity at some point (whether they know it or not), it does make one wonder...

And if it's the nature of the beast to want more than one (and it bears repeating that in the countries where this is in practice, it is multiple wives that is allowed--women are not allowed multiple husbands [not that they'd want multiple men to clean up after!]) then why bother? Why fight it if it's a losing battle?

I don't have answers. Heck, I don't even have an idea of what I feel on the topic; my opinions vacillate often and I'm not sure what I believe. I just know that a lot of people are dealing with this multiple partner thing, whether through a sanctioned multiple-marriage or by going outside a monogamous one. And yet nobody discusses it.

Lack of Motivation

So while I managed to get my online life in order today, my real life is, sadly, completely out of it. I have no desire to wash dishes or fold laundry. I don't even want to think about dinner. And homework? Haven't cracked a book all day. Ugh. I suppose we all need days where we let ourselves slide a bit but I've been having a week of them--not good! Where did my motivation go?

Sadly, I will miss the most exciting part of the day. While I'm at class tonight, Brian will be taking the kids to go pickup a climber-slide combo thing that I found on craigslist for $25. Hopefully this will get them to stop climbing in the burning bush, which is likely to be permanently scarred by their adventures. It's not big or fancy but I'm sure they'll love it.

And that's my life... tonight is World Religions, which is a really interesting course. It's viewed from the anthropological stance rather than the typical philosophical. LOVE this class. Actually, I can't say I hate any of them this semester. My English professor is a little snooty (she loves to tell us how she could never pass for working class and about all the debutante balls she had to attend as a teenager) but she has some interesting views. She seems somewhat open-minded as far as papers go so that should be okay in the end. My American Studies professor must be toking it before class--the dude is way too mellow and disorganized. But hey, he's happy. We don't have a clue what he wants us to do (he's never even told us how he'll be grading the class, if there will be exams, nada!) but we keep showing up.

Balance.... where oh where are you?

Serving A Purpose

This blog has been pretty much dead for the last couple of years because...well, my life didn't exactly become something worthy of sharing with the world. Facebook had served the purpose for a while of receiving support as needed while sharing the details of my life....but recent events have proven that I need to be a little more careful about what I put out there on the world wide web. So I've removed a lot of personal details on Facebook and I'm going private here. I realize my life is not so exciting to expect a faithful readership, but at least I can have an outlet for my issues without worry of them being broadcast everywhere for people to judge and ridicule.

I hope you don't mind, my few, selected readers. And if you don't read, that's okay, too. At least I can get this all off my chest.

Yeah, Um, Does Anyone Remember Me?

Yeah, I haven't been so good on the blogging front. Well, first there was the big mess of my life from late April til... well, it's kind of ongoing, but mostly ended in June. At least it was a catalyst for positive changes, too. Then I switched mostly over to MySpace for a while and blogged there. I liked that I could keep it more private. But, well, I strayed from there, too. Then Facebook grabbed my attention because some of my friends were on there and hey, I could play games, and again, more private... So, that's where I've been.

The quick summary: Mags turned 3 in June, Ethan turned 1 in May. 13 years together with Brian as of August. Went back to college in August to finish pursuing my B.A. English (2 classes at a time). Taking 2 English courses currently. Celebrated my 31st birthday in October. Getting geared up for ski season!

Yup, that's the quick summary. I haven't forgotten, just sidetracked. I'm not sure if I'll keep this updated anymore... seems out of date considering the alternatives. But I didn't want anyone to worry about my disappearance either. :D I'm alive, I'm doing well, no worries. Life is good!

Long Absence

And an even longer story. For now, the short version is Brian and I are back together and have been for a month now. We attended his sister's wedding over the weekend. Beautiful occasion, gorgeous bride, happy times.

Help a friend out?

A dear friend of mine is raising funds for the March of Dimes. It's a cause close to her heart as her son was born 8 weeks premature. The March of Dimes has done much to increase the chances of survival for prematurely born babies. Won't you help?

In The Blink Of An Eye

Wow, the world can really change in the blink of an eye. One day, I'm a stressed out mommy who hasn't been away from her kids for more than 2 hours/week for the last 2 months. Sad because hubby had been out a few times for drinks with friends while I was stuck home. The next, I'm booking a flight to Colorado - by myself!!

I got invited to a Diva ski trip to Arapahoe Basin. I've never been. In fact, I've never been to Colorado. Nor have I skied outside of New England. It really touched me how my friend went out of her way to convince hubby that this would be a wonderful Mother's Day gift for me. Ultimately, the decision was mine to make (and I ran it by the physical therapist first, in light of my rehabbing knee). But it made me feel so good to know that others really do care about me.

So I'm going! Mother's Day weekend I will join nearly a dozen other Divas for a fantastic ski weekend. A little R&R, some time to myself, and then I'll be recharged and ready to be a fab mommy again. :) I can't wait!

Ha Ha

Glitter Graphics & Comments


I actually emailed Brian a picture of an old positive HPT this morning. He pretended to be freaked out, but he knew right away. Though he did ask why I was trying to give him a heart attack.

No offense to anyone who is TTC... but we are done. At this point, an HPT+ would be scary.

Noodle Legs

I finally got to ski again yesterday! Granted, it was only green trail cruising so as not to further injure my knee - but it was worth it! The 2.5 hours of on-hill time were full of challenges. My fitness level is pretty much caput after 6 weeks of near-inactivity to preserve and heal my knee. The snow was challenging with temps in the 40s yesterday. I hit snow that was frozen, hardpack, loose granular, and slush. The heavy, wet spring snow is harder to ski in anyway, but scarier when you're afraid of hurting yourself. And fear was my biggest opponent yesterday. Fear of falling. Fear of hurting myself. Complete lack of confidence. Sure, I was in new boots on new skis, but I could handle myself. I was just afraid of hitting a bump too fast again and completing the tear in my knee.

Kind of disappointing to end the season skiing worse than when I started. :( But it was still good to be out! And boy am I sore today!

Knee Injury De-Mystified

I ended up having to go for an MRI last week to find out what was wrong with my knee. The diagnosis? Fluid behind the knee, bruised bones, and a partially torn ACL. The orthopedist was quite surprised by the tear. Since I'm not a 16 year old athlete (seriously, he mentioned that) and it's partially torn, we've decided to go with physical therapy instead of surgery. Therapy started on Wednesday. I can't believe how weak my knee has become in the 6 weeks since the injury. Still, I'm relieved to know it's not a full tear. On to recovery!!!

And the pain marches on...

My knee is still hurt. I'm now 3 weeks post-injury and it should have been feeling better by now. Instead, it's getting progressively worse. From what I've read, I'm starting to wonder if I have a meniscus tear or injury. I will be calling the orthopedist on Monday. Looks like there will be no more skiing for me this season. :( No work, either. Can't stand for my shifts. I miss it terribly.

Why am I so cold?

It's raining outside. Raining. All that beautiful wintery snow, the lifeforce that gets me through the dreary days of winter... and my source of part-time income... is melting away. And yet I'm COLD. Warm enough for rain...but cold enough to chill me more than usual. Odd.

Don't mind the meandering thoughts. I'm in a bit of a random mood right now.

The Irony...

Remember my January 25th post about how cramped we are but we're getting by and had no plans to move? That my dad pitched the idea of us moving in again but I said I wasn't biting? Some things have cropped up which have changed all of this for us...

It's a really long story so I'll try to condense as much as possible. My friend is going through a divorce and to help her out, I mentioned that the apartment upstairs was vacant (back in December?). Her son and my daughter love to play together so we thought it would be a good arrangement. Til one day when she got angry with me because she asked to put her jogging stroller in the garage and I told her there wasn't any room for it there. (There really isn't... the garage is a sore topic between Brian and me because it's 2-layers-deep of junk, mostly.) Well, she didn't like the answer I gave her so she called the landlord, complained to him about that (and who knows what else... probably our rent because she was telling me I don't pay enough, though who knows how she suddenly became an expert having never been a landlord herself). The next thing I know, I get a letter in the mail that our rent is going up $50/month, we no longer will have the garage included, he wants us to sign a yearly lease (that says things like if we move before the lease is over, he can keep our security deposit... we're currently month-to-month), and that he wants us to fork over a $600 security deposit. "Oddly", when this letter arrived, I had not heard from my former friend in a week (she usually calls daily).

Yeah, we aren't paying more money for less, especially at this house. It's not worth it. But there are 4 of us and a dog, and we're not really in a position to be affording more rent anywhere - and rentals are difficult, at best, to find with a dog - nearly impossible before April 1st, which is when all of these changes are supposed to occur. So the first thing I could think of was to call my Dad, remembering what he pitched recently.

I should know better because that's turning sour already. We put in our notice that we would be out by May 15th (and I had to explain to him that we are not signing the lease, just can't get out earlier because the place we're moving won't be ready until then) and Dad flaked on refinancing his house so he could make the changes necessary for us to move in. NOT TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

There's a lot more to all of this and I'm trying to keep it brief but suffice it to say, I'll believe it when I see it regarding us actually moving in with my parents. Though if we don't, I'm not sure what we'll do.

Great friend I have, eh?