Where Do I Belong?

People change. Well, most do. Change is good, right? We grow, we learn from our experiences, and we adjust.

When I was younger, I had a hard time with my peers. I was overweight, had acne, braces, and glasses. And I was in honors classes. Kids are very judgmental (without holding back) and put a large emphasis on appearances. My depression issues started in middle school when we all stopped being friends and the cliques really took over. By high school, my 2 best friends were turned against me by a Catholic school girl who spewed hatred and lies to stir the pot for her amusement. I don't think I ever really recovered from that and now have trust issues.

Issues. Yeah, I have issues. Trust issues. Social anxiety. Sometimes too naive.

For years, I would pretend to be happy. It was easier. Nobody asked questions (meaning no teachers would bother me). People thought I was a social butterfly.

Deep down inside, I'm not.

I met hubby shortly after high school and found a person who many thought was my polar opposite. Quiet, reserved, a bit of a wallflower. But with him, I've allowed myself to just be what I am. Alone mostly, but it doesn't usually bother me too much (aside from the spousal aloneness, which is a whole other issue).

When you have kids, though, you can't be alone. It's not good for them. Plus with TTC, miscarriage, pregnancy, etc, I found myself reaching out in a safe place - the internet. Forums are a nice anonymous way to find the support you need, when you need it, without giving away too much of your heart. No commitment issues either. People are there when you need them but don't complain if you don't call frequently enough.

In the meantime, I have grown and changed. From a girl who would never have kids or get married, to a woman with an angel baby, a crazy toddler, and a baby on the way. Married for nearly 6 years, together with hubby for nearly 12 years. I used to pick topics to have the opposite opinion upon (and of which be very vocal) just to be different. Had to embrace it, after all. But now I've lived life, experienced loss, and my views are different.

But where do I fit in? Where does an anti-social basketcase belong?

Hubby likes to tease that I'm a hippy-in-training because of my recent move to less than mainstream ideas. So yeah, I don't feel quite right around those who choose conventional methods of parenting, eating, and just plain living. But then when I'm around the natural parenting/attachment parenting forums, I feel like an outsider there, too. Not counter-culture enough for them... And while they try to draw me in further, I feel like a disappointment around them, intimidated to reveal myself as not being the extreme lactivist/tandem nursing/co-sleeping/whatever that they all appear to be. I guess the babywearing, intention of nursing again, best efforts at gentle discipline, and future co-sleeping (among many other small decisions that happen every single day) aren't necessarily enough.

I would like to say I don't need to fit in anywhere. After all, I am anti-social. But I do need support from time to time. And it's getting harder and harder to find it when you're in between the lines society draws and can't seem to find others on a similar middle ground.