60 Days

I think I'm getting a little scared now. 60 days? That's it? How can that possibly be? We haven't even toured the birth center yet! And yet, it's not a timeline over which I have any control. Could be 60 days, could be 50... maybe even 75. Who knows? The point is, it's coming, and fast. I better at least get some diapers to have on hand for this kid!

Maggie is still sick but doing better than she was. Very clingy. I think I've heard "mommy" about 2000 times a day lately. Her appetite is improved but she still isn't eating anywhere near as much as before. At least she's mostly happier now. I hate seeing her suffer.

My sinus infection is taking its sweet old time coming down on me. Ears still hurt, as do my sinuses, but very little activity otherwise. It could just be late pregnancy congestion, I suppose.

We ended up cutting ties with Maggie's naturopath and chiropractor. I never felt right about them from the start. And while I do have an open mind, I don't like the round-about way of dealing with potential allergies that we've been doing. I will have her pediatrician order the allergy blood tests and we'll go from there. I also have to do what's sustainable for us.... and making everything from scratch is not sustainable. Especially when there will soon be another little one in the house. I'm glad we gave it a chance, but I think that for now, we're just not ready for the unconventional in this house, not entirely anyway.

ETA: I decided to add a belly shot! I haven't taken one in nearly 11 weeks now so I was sorely overdue. Here we are, 31 weeks 3 days and counting....

Sick, sick, sick

It all started on Sunday when we gave my youngest brother a ride home from a family birthday party. He infected everyone in the car and now my sister, husband, daughter, and other brother are all ill. Somehow, I've escaped so far... but it's only a matter of time since I've gotten so little sleep with Maggie's frequent wakings calling out for me at night. I just need to get past tonight. I have a party tonight and I can't be sick for that. Then, I don't really care what happens... Though I would prefer to avoid this plague that has come down upon my family. They're all miserable.

Hey, Look At That!

I went a day without posting! I must be feeling a little better!

Actually, yesterday was another toddler-trying day. At least now that hubby has seen what a maniac she can be in stores for himself, he understands a little better why I don't really like taking her with me on errands. Yesterday I HAD to go to the post office...and that was the only place I went. It wasn't worth the stress.

I did bring her to my former employer today, though. I used to work for the local municipality and every year on St. Patrick's Day (or closest work day to it), they have a celebration with a Mayor for the Day, Irish dancers from the local Irish Dancing School, and refreshments. I always loved watching the Irish dancers on my morning break and thought Maggie would enjoy watching them (plus I'm hoping to enroll her in Irish dancing classes eventually). Well, the schedule online was off by an hour and we got there WAY too early. It was tons of fun occupying her during that hour, let me tell you! But she held out, and we did get to watch a little of the girls dancing, plus visit some of my former co-workers. She ended up going down for an early nap so all that running around in the auditorium before the performance must have helped her burn off some extra energy.

2 days ago, it was 73 degrees and sunny. Today, it's 29 degrees or so and snowing. We're expecting about 8" of the white powdery stuff. Nothing like winter going out with a bang, especially since we received so little snow this season. I don't think we've had a single storm that dumped this much on us, as a matter of fact. What a shame... I was looking forward to spring.

Midwife Misadventures

I knew I was right to worry about bringing Maggie along with me to appointments. But I've been forcing myself to bring her everywhere lately as a) I would otherwise be stuck home all the time, and b) she has to learn eventually what appropriate public behavior is.

Well, the first time you meet your new midwife is not the best time to bring along a restless toddler who doesn't listen to you. It was hard enough that the midwife I was meeting has a reputation for a not-so-great bedside manner at appointments (though in her defense, she's supposed to be phenomenal at the birth itself - which is, of course, more important than the appointments). But then to feel like you're being judged at one of your most vulnerable times because your child doesn't listen when you tell her not to climb on the rolling stool (and to have the midwife disregard what I said by telling her it's okay), only to have said child fall off stool and narrowly miss cracking her head open on the floor because mommy at least had enough reflexes to intervene in time... Ugh. I think that cut the visit short just when we were discussing my depression issues. I'm supposed to eat more vegetables and look for a support group. Sage advice, eh? The best part was when we were leaving and Maggie insisted upon wandering into every room, then tried to run up and down the hallway while we waited for our turn to check out.

At least the parking garage attendant was very understanding when I couldn't even scrape together $2 for parking. I don't normally carry cash, and since I've never had to pay for parking before for a doctor's appointment, I wasn't expecting to need any. That guy really made my day.

I have to go back next Thursday and I'm now frantic to find someone to watch her. I do not want a repeat of this. But you know what? I don't even know which midwife I'm seeing. I know I'm supposed to meet the others, but there was such chaos at checkout that I don't recall even being told which midwife my appointment is with.

I certainly hope the Birth Place is worth this. If nothing else, I did learn today that if I decide after having Sprout that I want a hiatus from home, I can transfer over to maternity and stay the standard 2 days - even with having my natural childbirth. After a day like today, 2 days alone in the hospital with the baby is looking really good to me. :)

And So It Continues...

...another bad day.

It was sunny outside, and supposed to be quite warm. So I figured we'd get out of the house early and hopefully that would help raise my spirits. Instead, it seemed to be the beginning of the end. All it took was a kicking and screaming tantrum in Staples when I was just trying to look for ink ... I lost all desire in even trying to feel better. I also left without any ink. At the bank, I decided to make my deposit at the ATM ... it was out of service. I threw it in the night deposit and am hoping for the best... I was not going to drag her into the bank after the fiasco at Staples. So instead of staying out and enjoying the day, we headed right back home after that...

It just wasn't a good day.

And she didn't nap either.

And I'm tired of repeating the same things over and over again only to have her not listen and get hurt. It's one thing to cause a mess. It's another to not listen when I say "stop teasing the dog, she'll bite you" over and over again only to have her get bitten by the dog because she flippantly laughed and continued on her path anyway. Yup, our dog bit her. Right on the face. So now I have to decide what to do about that, too. My first baby, my furry friend, my only faithful companion who is always there for me. She was only doing what a dog would do when cornered - and she gave advanced warning. But Maggie doesn't listen to me or the dog. And this isn't the first time. I figured if she got bitten once or twice, she would stop doing things like this. Instead, she persists in pestering and harassing my furbaby to the point where the dog can't take it anymore and snaps at her. It's not fair to either of them, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up my best friend.

At least Maggie went to sleep at 6:40PM without complaint. Last night, she was up until nearly 10PM.

Forgive me for being an anchor and bringing everyone down. I always found journaling to be therapeutic (which is most likely why I don't blog much when I'm happy and everything is going well). It doesn't matter if anyone reads it, it just helps to get it out of my head.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with the new midwives. And as much as I don't want to, I will have to tell them about my depression. I know it's not healthy for any of us, and this is the longest bout I've had in a while. Probably the worst since the 2 month mark after I miscarried Arabella, when I actually sought out help at the hospital's depression screening because I also thought I was bipolar. The therapist I spoke with felt that I had problems with clinical depression, bipolar disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. The psychiatrist, however, did not... he felt I didn't fit the textbook definition (my bouts weren't frequent enough or long enough) and because of that, insurance felt my depression was not biological and therefore treatment would have to be paid for mostly by me. Fortunately, I got pregnant shortly thereafter and ended therapy. I didn't like the psychiatrist anyway.

In any case, I don't want to see another psychiatrist. And I don't want to be on medication. But I don't know what else to do right now. I have talked to hubby but he's only here so much, and I can't put all the burden of my mental health on him. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the midwife says tomorrow.

Where Do I Belong?

People change. Well, most do. Change is good, right? We grow, we learn from our experiences, and we adjust.

When I was younger, I had a hard time with my peers. I was overweight, had acne, braces, and glasses. And I was in honors classes. Kids are very judgmental (without holding back) and put a large emphasis on appearances. My depression issues started in middle school when we all stopped being friends and the cliques really took over. By high school, my 2 best friends were turned against me by a Catholic school girl who spewed hatred and lies to stir the pot for her amusement. I don't think I ever really recovered from that and now have trust issues.

Issues. Yeah, I have issues. Trust issues. Social anxiety. Sometimes too naive.

For years, I would pretend to be happy. It was easier. Nobody asked questions (meaning no teachers would bother me). People thought I was a social butterfly.

Deep down inside, I'm not.

I met hubby shortly after high school and found a person who many thought was my polar opposite. Quiet, reserved, a bit of a wallflower. But with him, I've allowed myself to just be what I am. Alone mostly, but it doesn't usually bother me too much (aside from the spousal aloneness, which is a whole other issue).

When you have kids, though, you can't be alone. It's not good for them. Plus with TTC, miscarriage, pregnancy, etc, I found myself reaching out in a safe place - the internet. Forums are a nice anonymous way to find the support you need, when you need it, without giving away too much of your heart. No commitment issues either. People are there when you need them but don't complain if you don't call frequently enough.

In the meantime, I have grown and changed. From a girl who would never have kids or get married, to a woman with an angel baby, a crazy toddler, and a baby on the way. Married for nearly 6 years, together with hubby for nearly 12 years. I used to pick topics to have the opposite opinion upon (and of which be very vocal) just to be different. Had to embrace it, after all. But now I've lived life, experienced loss, and my views are different.

But where do I fit in? Where does an anti-social basketcase belong?

Hubby likes to tease that I'm a hippy-in-training because of my recent move to less than mainstream ideas. So yeah, I don't feel quite right around those who choose conventional methods of parenting, eating, and just plain living. But then when I'm around the natural parenting/attachment parenting forums, I feel like an outsider there, too. Not counter-culture enough for them... And while they try to draw me in further, I feel like a disappointment around them, intimidated to reveal myself as not being the extreme lactivist/tandem nursing/co-sleeping/whatever that they all appear to be. I guess the babywearing, intention of nursing again, best efforts at gentle discipline, and future co-sleeping (among many other small decisions that happen every single day) aren't necessarily enough.

I would like to say I don't need to fit in anywhere. After all, I am anti-social. But I do need support from time to time. And it's getting harder and harder to find it when you're in between the lines society draws and can't seem to find others on a similar middle ground.

Baby Carrier Madness

Most of this collection I already had... but due to recent depression, I found myself building the collection again (also in anticipation of the arrival of Sprout)... So I felt like showing off a bit to sort of count my blessings and make me feel better. I'm not much of a collector (though I do tend to obsess about things for short periods and move on) but I'm pretty proud of this.

• Mom-and-Me-Creations Eclectico Rebozo-Pouch Hybrid - Neopolitan
• Gypsy Mama BaliBaby Breeze Freya - 5yd
• Hoppediz Maxi Costa Rica
• Sleeping Baby Productions ring sling - silver/blue silk w/tail accent (I think it's 84")
• EllaRoo lightly padded ring sling - Brown Orient
• Maya Wrap Ring Sling (unpadded) - #67 (undyed)
  
• Peanut Shell microfleece pouch - Squirt (light green)
• WAHM-made thicker fleece pouch - royal blue on one side, pastel dots on light green on the other
• Colibri Baby Mei Tai - batik turtles w/natural canvas straps
• Eden Mei Tai - olive velveteen
• Mei Tai Baby Mei Tai - Indigo Mermaids w/khaki straps - on the way!!!
• Ball Baby (BBO) Mei Tai - Bohemian Circles - on the way!!!
  

(Edited to remove the Beco Baby Carrier as I had second thoughts about the pattern and ended up canceling my order... I ordered the Mei Tai Baby MT in its place because I couldn't resist the beautiful panel.... then I later removed the Hotsling Organic Hemp/Cotton pouch and Sachi MT because those, also, went on their way... added the Ball Baby MT. Yes, the stash is always changing!!!)

Absent Spouse

I could use some feedback on this one, if you don't mind...

How do you keep from losing your mind when you are the *only* caregiver? Forget primary, hubby is rarely home when Maggie is awake. Yes, he works 2 jobs. But he's supposed to have Sundays off, and I don't do any business work on Sundays because that's supposed to be our family day. Instead, he often goes skiing. He also has been taking at least 1 day off a week for over a month now to go skiing with friends as well. And since he usually gets out of his 2nd job early and goes skiing (because his job is at a ski area), that means about 4-5 days a week he's away skiing, not working... while I get no alone time. None. Zippo. Zilch. I have 2-3 parties a month, but that's work, not leisure.

It's wearing on me badly. Whether it's a contributor to the depression or the depression is making it worse, I don't know... but I'm having an awful time dealing with it right now as hubby is away, again, skiing and I have another full day with Maggie to look forward to. When she's refusing diaper changes, refusing to stay put to eat, ransacking everything, the dog won't go to the bathroom outside, and the house is (again) a mess even though I just cleaned it - knowing that the landlord is planning on coming sometime this week to rip down the ceiling in our linen closet because water keeps leaking through the ceiling from the apartment upstairs and they can't figure out why from upstairs....

I need a break.

Try a week's vacation somewhere tropical by myself. With no phones.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity (if I still have any left) if this continues....

Anyone Ever See Aliens?

I feel like I'm growing an alien inside of me. I'll be sitting blissfully typing away at the computer when all of the sudden, my belly starts to get stretched out like something is trying to rip its way out of my stomach. For those who have never been pregnant, I can only imagine the images this brings to your minds. It's an indescribable feeling, really, that is both exciting and annoying at the same time. And I repeat... if at 29 weeks this kid is already at the top of my belly and jabbing me occasionally in the ribs, where will s/he go during the next 11 weeks?

Miss Maggie has abandoned all interest in the potty. For a short while, she would come running to me asking to sit on the potty... then proceed to have me read the same book (or 2) over and over again for 20 or 30 minutes until I got tired of waiting (our bathroom is VERY cold) and bribed her away with allowing her to wash her hands or brush her teeth (both things that fascinate her and bring hours of enjoyment). Well, the last few days she has been waking up dry and going longer between diaper changes but now has no interest in sitting on the potty. At least we're using less diapers...

Her language skills have, however, exploded. Besides using ASL signs more regularly, there are more words in the constant flow of chatter that are understandable. This girl loves to talk! At least now we're starting to understand what she has to say.

I'm settling in better to being a SAHM. I still get depressed from time to time. The weather doesn't help with that as I believe I have SAD. It's also sometimes frustrating that when I finally sit down to eat a bowl of cereal at 10:30AM and have already poured the milk, Maggie invariably either wants her own snack or howls for my brunch. At least when I was working I could eat and sleep without a tagalong or thief. I do have several people concerned now about my lack of weight gain over the last 2 months of this pregnancy. Unless you've been around a demanding 20 month-old all day long, though, you have no idea how it really sometimes is impossible to get any food into your system. And with the depression, I just wasn't all that hungry.

Naps are, hopefully, coming back into play at least. This means 1 meal a day while we're home alone, though not until 2PM or so. Maggie took about a 4 week hiatus from napping before I decided enough was enough this week. We've had naps for 3 or 4 days now. Later in the day than she used to nap, but as long as she naps, I don't care. Especially since she was starting to wake up earlier and earlier every day.

The last 2 days, Maggie woke up at around 8:30AM (instead of the usual 7/7:30AM, and of-late 6-6:30AM). I don't know why but I wish I could recreate it. It's been wonderful being able to sleep in since I rarely fall asleep before midnight.

Depression

I haven't been on because of a bout of depression. It eased during the last few days (thanks to some much-needed sunlight) but it's definitely still lingering.

I ended up switching practices to a new group of midwives and the closer birthing center that is part of a hospital. I spoke with the hospital's billing department and was assured that it would be billed as an inpatient procedure so I shouldn't have any problems getting insurance to pay. I meet with the new midwives next Wednesday... scary to go through this change so close to the end, but I have since spoken with others who switched to this practice even later in their pregnancies (and were totally happy about that change!) so I guess it's not that bad. Just need to do what's best for our family - financially and emotionally.

Finances aren't looking great but we're surviving. Just need to get my business into gear. I have one more party this month, 2 in April, and 2 in May (but after those 2 May parties, I think I'm going on maternity leave because it's quite tiring these days to stand in front of a crowd already). Hubby's second job will be ending later this month so then we'll really be in a crunch. I'm trying not to think about it too much as it just makes the depression worse.