Unhappy Ramblings

I'm such a complainer, I know. It seems I can't go long without something to complain about. But it seems like a lot is really bothering me right now, and I have to get it off my chest somehow and somewhere.

As I mentioned on FF this evening, I came home from class to find that DH had deposited himself in front of the television, yet again, for another night of vegetating and browsing the internet. I had been gone 3 hours. I don't know why, but every week I go to class, I get all hopeful that DH will make some grand gesture while I'm away and actually do something around the house to help out since he never does when I'm home. Every week, I return to find a bigger mess. Both of us work full time, although I do work less hours a week; but I also work late every Thursday night and I have a class. Somehow somewhere in our relationship, we shifted from sharing the work to me doing all of the housework. It's probably due to all those times it was his turn to do the dishes and, after a week of them piling up, I couldn't bear it anymore and did them myself. Or when we were dating and I offered to do his laundry from time to time. I should have known better. Now, I'm the wife, the accountant (I pay all the bills and handle the checkbook), the chef, the maid, and the one who provides half of our income...and we're working on me becoming the mommy, too, which we all know is a full time job that never ends. Being all emotional over everything else right now, I had it when I got home. I gave him a piece of my mind so he at least knew why I was upset, only to get a response of "I was busy." Doing what, I have no idea... So I went off to our room to be alone, as I didn't want to say anything I would regret.

About an hour later, round 2 started. This time it started with DH yelling at me for being upset about Arabella again. He complained that I seem to be "coming up with" some new reason all the time to be upset and that I should just move on. Move on. Apparently I'm supposed to pretend it never happened, too, since it irritates him so much when I'm mopey or sad. It's only been 2 months, but DH said it's unhealthy for me to be thinking about it all the time and I need to get on with my life. You have to understand that, as a youth, I had a lot of problems with depression. I tried to commit suicide twice; when the school counselor called my parents when I was in 7th grade (the 1st time) to tell them about it, they laughed it off, saying I'm melodramatic and I was just trying to get attention. The 2nd time was after I met DH. I think I was 18 or 19 at the time. DH doesn't like to think about my past and any time I bring it up, he gets really irritated and changes the subject. I've come a long way since then, but I've also learned that I can't just forget about the things that bother me. That's how it festers and then I end up doing something drastic. And to be honest, while I've been sad lately, it is nowhere near the depressions I've fallen into in my past. Instead of acknowledging the fact that I have a propensity to this, DH's solution is always to ignore what's going on and just move on with everything. I've tried to tell him before that is not healthy and is not right for me. But I'm rambling...

So now I get upset because he's telling me to forget and get on with my life. That really hurt. And I do not exaggerate when I say that he was yelling at me at this point, which really drove it home. He continues on to rhetorically ask why we are even trying again if I am this upset, why even have children at all. That was it... I was so furious with him for what he said, upset for the memory of Arabella, and quite simply, an emotional wreck at that point, that I started to wonder why I would want to have children with a man who is not only so quick to forget his own, but is upset that I haven't. I go back to the bedroom to be alone. Minutes later, DH comes in trying to make up. He says he's sorry, but not what for. It's like when a child says he's sorry because he knows he's in trouble, but he really isn't...he's just trying to get forgiveness. Then we get into the same old thing every time I get upset about the housework....he says he loves me...I say he doesn't show it...he says he will...and usually, nothing ever happens. Same bull, different day. After how many times he's done this, it's no wonder why I've grown skeptical. There aren't any actions to show he cares, he just says he does when I get upset with him. And that's an even longer story...

I know TTC is stressful, as is a miscarriage, but this is getting to be a bit much. I have my sad moments, but most of the time they move on and I try to find something positive to focus on. Today, it was the fact that I was having fertile CM and so I was excited about trying again (this was after work, before the big blow out). What really gets me is that when I am sad or upset, which really doesn't last very long, I always get treated this way. It just doesn't seem right to me... And now, I'm really bothered by all of this, especially now that I know how he feels about our loss. I guess to him, nothing was lost. He never saw the heartbeat because he wasn't able to make it to my 1st ultrasound. He didn't experience any of the physical symptoms of pregnancy like I did. And I never did grow a belly for him to have any evidence of it. Maybe it's just easier that way... without any real evidence before him, other than the + HPT, it was easy for him to forget and move on, pretend it never happened. But that just seems so wrong to me... And I'm not sure what to do about it.

Hey!

Boy do I feel jipped! Mia's horoscope link gave me the same horoscope today... Hmmmm.... Maybe the message was just sooo important for me to pay attention to that I had to read it twice? :)

I've actually been pretty down this week. It was supposed to be a milestone week for me. I know, I sound like a broken record. But all I can think of is how excited I was when I counted out the weeks and found that 20 weeks would have been September 30th, only days before my 27th birthday. My birthday present was supposed to be that special gender-determining ultrasound. Instead, I have an empty womb for my birthday. Can I exchange it for something else? The only redeeming factor is that I may be ovulating any day now, so there's some hope... It's just that I would rather be 20 weeks pregnant right now like I would have been had I not miscarried in July. What a downer I am this week...

I'll just have to keep myself busy. I have a plethora of options to keep me busy this weekend, from the kayak and canoe end of season sale, to kayaking demonstrations at White Memorial Conservation Center, and the Harwinton Fair that I've meant to go to for years now. I'll do my best to eat and be merry this weekend and hopefully it will help me move on instead of looking back all the time.

Interesting Thought for The Day

I was browsing the blogs today, as I'm apt to do, and I came across Mia's upgrades to hers. (Nice job!) For the heck of it, I figured I'd check out my horoscope. I don't usually put much stock in that since how could all the people born in a particular 30-day span have the same destiny on any given day? But today's was rather interesting...

Sometimes illusions need to be dropped and this may be one of those times. But from the ashes of this loss can come the seed for another dream, one worth investing considerable effort in at this time. By being willing to let go of the old fantasies, you can create a positive environment for building new dreams.

Hmmm... Creepy, isn't it? Especially that second line. Now there's something to ponder all day.

Blah Blah Blah

It's been one of those lazy kind of weekends around our house. We were inspired to go for a hike, but never managed to lace up the boots. Both yesterday and this mornings, we didn't even roll out of bed until after 9AM (although, in our defense, we did stay up until about 1AM the nights before). I hate a wasted weekend. I'm one of those people who goes on vacation and crams in as much as possible while there, oftentimes waking up earlier than I do at home so I can see and do as much as possible while I'm there. It's not that I don't know how to relax; it's more that I'm not always comfortable with sitting idle and just letting my brain wander. I know it's a defense mechanism, but most of the time I just don't feel like facing what's really on my mind. If I keep busy, I don't have to think about it. I think most people do this, to some extent. It is, of course, why I have mini mental breakdowns from time to time, but I deal with them when they crop up. No big deal.

So when I finally did manage to leave the house yesterday, I did have a mission to accomplish. The first was to replace our printer. Not that it's old or anything, in fact we got the Lexmark a little over two years ago. But it's one of those all-in-one jobbies, you know those things that can do 4 functions but doesn't do any single one of them well. I was getting really irritated with it not scanning or printing photos well. DH reminded me that since all-in-ones have that tendency, to look for a separate printer and scanner next time. I was also irritated that the Lexmark never did work with our network so I wasn't able to print directly from my iBook to it. I had to send the files to the PC and then go over to the PC and print from there. Instead of having a financial overload, I did take it easy and only buy a printer...except, I bought one that was about $80 more than I planned on spending. I'm one of those feature freaks; if it has a few extra features and only costs a little bit more, I get that model instead figuring it's a better value. The printer I bought can print directly on CDs and DVDs. Cool, huh? I have no idea if I'll ever use that. But it is compatible with my iBook, at least, and it's supposed to print phenomenal photos, so I'm happy.

From there we headed over to Pier 1. I finally convinced DH that our couch is too big and it's time to get a smaller one. We got the big couch when we lived in an apartment that had a HUGE living room. The one where we live now is only about 12'x14'...not big enough for a huge leather sectional. Plus, we have a bunch of junk in what I refer to as the baby's room (even though there's no baby yet or anymore) and I'd really like to reorganize that room. As much as DH hates Pier 1, he went in to look with me. We did find a couch that I like (DH isn't fond of anything from Pier 1, but did agree that the fabric and color were at least kid friendly). Since we only had my Blazer last night, though, we couldn't buy it then. We're going back today before my cousin's daughter's birthday party with DH's pickup truck to get it. Our old couch will be donated to the local Salvation Army. I feel like I've done something this weekend now, at least!

But you see, DH is a gear hound and as much of a shopper as I am, if not more. He always complains that I get to spend money on myself and he never does. That is, until we step into EMS. Then he's like a kid in a candy store. Last night he ended up adding another pack with all the bells and whistles and a pair of sandals (the first he has ever purchased in the 9 years I've known him). Why do I say "another pack"? Well, because he already has a daypack, a winter rucksack, and an overnight pack. You really don't need more than that, especially with the kind of hiking we do. But DH can't ever get enough...he's more of a packrat than I am. So I told him if he bought it, he'd have to get rid of one of the others. That's the new rule...can't bring anything in until you take something out. He's so funny, though!

Well, I'm off... I have a lot to do today before that party! Sorry for the drivel today but I figured I'd better add something. If nothing else, it gives you background as to how utterly normal (and boring) I can be. :)

Why Is Patience a Virtue?

Well ladies, AF finally hit the road last night. Funny how just over a week ago I was impatiently awaiting her arrival, and by Monday I had had enough and couldn't wait for her to leave so I could get on with it. Part of it was, of course, because she was a really unruly bitch this time. I have never had such a painful AF in my life, and I've been visited by her since I was 10! I had such excrutiating back pain that I could barely walk for at least 2 days of her visit this time. TMI, I know, but the flow was a lot more than usual, too. Oddly, it was heavy all the way up until the end with only a slight amount of spotting...normally, I only have heavy AF for 2-3 days with another 2-3 days of spotting.

Alright, enough of that. So now I'm on CD 8 and I can't wait to get closer to O time. I really shouldn't be wishing my life away like this. Once I get past O, I'll just be impatiently passing the time until I can test or AF arrives, and then the whole cycle will start all over again. What a horrible way to spend my life. So, I'm trying to keep busy. I'm going hiking tomorrow. Next weekend is my birthday (which I may be O'ing around then...I can think of the perfect way to keep busy that day! ;) ). We'll probably be going to a local fair that weekend, but I also got my notice of the annual end of season sale at Collinsville Kayak & Canoe, so I may drop by over there for the seminars and to check out the merchandise. THEN the following weekend (which, if all goes well, should be close to 7 DPO) my sister and I are taking our mom to New York City as a belated birthday present. It's a surprise; she only knows not to make any plans that day but doesn't have a clue what we've planned. Just like we did with my cousin who got married in June (which that was also a very successful surprise!), we're taking her to see "Naked Boys Singing" ~ and yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. The last time I saw it, I was 5 weeks pregnant but nobody other than my sister knew. She worried about me all day long; in fact, she and my DH are convinced it was my shameless continuance of normal everyday activities that caused my miscarriage. But I'll get into that later... It's an off-Broadway musical that is hysterical. I'm looking forward to a day in the city; it should keep my mind off of things. After that, I'll just have to use my willpower. I have my new patient consultation with my new OB/Gyn on October 18th... With any luck, I'll have some good news before then.

Now, to elaborate on that comment above. You see, a week after the June NYC trip, said cousin got married. At her wedding, I danced and had a good time. DH is not a dancer at all and pretty much sat and watched. He and my sister watched me constantly, actually, both of them extremely concerned about my "delicate condition" at the time. At one point, my sister thought I had had enough and called my DH over to pull me off the dance floor. Yes, you are reading that correctly. I was mortified. Remember, nobody knew yet other than our parents and my sister. The day after the wedding, I started spotting. All I could think of was how DH and my sister told me I was overdoing it the day before and that they were right, so I didn't tell him right away. I didn't want him to be able to flaunt an "I told you so" after that. A few days later, when the spotting didn't go away, I finally told him. The first thing he thought of was the wedding... and he made me promise not to withhold information anymore. Fast forward to yesterday... We've been talking about the ski season a lot lately, and DH is signing up for a ski clinic in mid December. I can't sign up because I have no idea if I will be pg or not. But I asked him if he thought it would be okay to ski the really easy green trails if I ended up being pg during the clinic. He was not happy. This is a touchy subject anyway because there is much disagreement in the skiing community as to whether or not it is safe to ski while pg...some women ski all the way into their 3rd trimesters, but DH didn't want to hear it. He said that I am obviously more fragile than most and have to be a lot more careful in the future. I had to think about that for a minute. Was he blaming me for what happened? Or at least, my body? Does he think I'm defective? I told him that we don't know why I had a m/c, but it could have been my PCOS and I'm on medication for that now. He stood by his comment that I need to be more careful than most people. I thought he was restrictive before, but it sounds like it's only going to be worse next time around! (And just to be clear, he wasn't referring just to the skiing, which I agree is risky and probably wouldn't do it anyway... he meant in general I need to be more careful and am generally more fragile when it comes to pregnancy.) I really don't know what to make of this. Even when I blamed my body for what happened, I never thought of myself as being any more delicate than anyone else. And really, does he think my dancing and walking around NYC all day were the causes of our loss? He's never really said... He doesn't like to talk about it. Whenever I bring it up, he changes the subject and says I should stop thinking about it.

Boy, did I go off on a tangent!

Why Do I Do This to Myself?

I've been in the middle of a huge project. I am one of those people who takes photos all the time, so I probably have a few thousand photos even though I'm not quite 27 years old yet and don't have any children. My photos, while all put away in albums, were in a mish-mosh of albums with no unifying theme other than they were all cheap and easily obtained at Walmart, K-Mart, and other similar stores. I decided a couple weeks ago that this was an extremely poor treatment of my memories and I started transferring the photos over to high quality, archival albums. They cost about $15 each, instead of my typical $5-$8, but it's worth the money to be sure my photos will last a lifetime. I'm glad I did it, too, since I noticed as I transferred them over that some of my photos were sticking to pages in the cheap albums; left there much longer, they most certainly would have been destroyed.

The rough part came last night as I got to the photos from 1999. In 1998, one of my cousins had a child at the ripe old age of 15 years and 4 months. She is not the first in my family to have a child at the age of 15; in fact, her older sister did the same at the same age, only weeks after my 16th birthday. So even though I am the eldest of the cousins on my mother's side of my family, 2 of my cousins started their families long before I was even thinking about it. Being one of those amateur photographers, I have *tons* of photos of E (the child who was born in 1998). It really hurt going through those pictures, looking at that beautiful little baby and seeing how young my cousin was when she became a single mother (since the father was long gone shortly thereafter). I know it wasn't easy for her to raise a child while a child herself, but it just reinforces the injustice in the world. Here I am, a married adult with a husband who is a wonderful man and will make a fabulous father, we have the means to provide for a child and the extreme want in our hearts to share our lives with one. Yet, we lost our child. There must be some reason why it's happened this way that I haven't figured out yet. However, these photographs don't make things any easier. This past Sunday was the 2 month anniversary of my D&C, and next week is when I should have been finding out the gender of our child. I should have been nearly half way right now. Instead, I'm this mess. This coming Sunday will be the 6th birthday party for E. Normally, I would have been excited, but this year the event is colored by my own turmoil. Yes, life isn't fair, but why can't it be sometimes?

A Moment of Silence

I ask that everyone please observe a moment of silence in your day today in honor of Mia's son she lost, Justin David. He was with his family for a blink of an eye, but will live on in their hearts for an eternity.