Is It Just Me?

Slowly but surely, Margaret is getting better. She's not coughing as much, and her coughs aren't as phlegmy. She's sleeping better, too. Not through the night still (I miss those days!!) but better than she was in the weeks before. She did, of course, share her cold with me. I'm pretty miserable. It's some kind of weird head cold that's making me feel congested and nauseous all the time. And I'm still not getting much sleep, so that doesn't help. But I make do. At least Margaret is smiling again. :)

I'm starting to really HATE where we live. It's bad enough that the tenants above us are pretty noisy. But now we're having inconsideration issues with our *landlord*. I honestly think it's all a ploy to get us to move. He keeps throwing hissy fits about the garage, to which we are entitled full use in the lease we all signed 2 years ago. The landlord was considering buying our old washer and dryer off of us (to give the washer to the people who stole it from us last month {SIGH}). He wanted to try the dryer first, which was fine...but he didn't hook up our exhaust again when he was done, so I had to get Brian to fix that so I could use our dryer again. Then today I went down to do laundry, and found that he was using *our* extension cord hooked up to *our* electric for the hallway renovations. Nevermind that the 3rd floor has *2* outlets closer to where he needs the electric. Nope, it's hooked up to ours above the washer. And let's not forget that he's using our extension cord *without asking*. This really ticks me off. I'm peeved about the electric as it is...no wonder why our bills have been so high! But to go and take something that doesn't belong to you and just use it, and then leave the cord out so it's obvious that you've been using it (it was still uncoiled and extended up the basement stairs), is over the line in my book. Yes, it's a little petty thing. But the little petty things keep adding up. And I'm getting really sick of people just using my stuff because it's in the basement!!!! I want to move so badly. But to move would be to empty our bank account, since we only have enough in there to basically cover 2 months' rent. Having no back-up money when you have a baby can be disastrous.

{SIGH} Can I just crawl up under the covers in bed and forget about everything? I'm so tired of dealing with all this crap...

Experiments in Sleep Deprivation

Dead tired. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Total, not consecutively. I don't even remember getting dressed this morning.

Margaret still has fluid in her ears. The doctor's not sure if it's still draining or if she still has an ear infection (since he wasn't the one to diagnose her originally) so we have to wait 2 more weeks and go back for another follow-up. If she gets worse in the meantime, he'll call in a script for another round of antibiotics. But he'd prefer to wait and see rather than have us possibly use them unnecessarily. He also suggested switching to Dimetapp for Margaret's congestion. He wasn't concerned about her chest congestion. Of course, it figures that she didn't cough at all when he was in the room. But he did listen very thoroughly to her lungs.

I almost called this morning. In the grand fashion that started almost a month ago now, Margaret once again did not sleep through the night. Not even close. It took until nearly 10:30PM to get her to bed. Then she woke up at 1AM fussing, and giving her the pacifier didn't work, so I had to rock her back to sleep. I think that took 30 or 40 minutes. Around 3AM, she woke up again. This time, she got herself thoroughly worked up, screaming bloody murder. Brian got up with her originally, but when I heard the shrill screams and him muttering "shut up" I got up out of bed and gave her some infant's Advil. She clearly sounded like she was in pain. It took until 4:10AM for her to fall back asleep again, and she would only sleep in her bouncy seat. So I had to camp out on the couch, as I didn't want to leave her unattended in it. 2 hours later, I awoke with a sore neck, but a (fortunately) still sleeping baby. She made it until 6:40AM before waking on her own. Mind you, she used to sleep 9:30/10PM until about 6:40AM every day, straight through, for over 2 months. This is killing me. And it can't be all that healthy for her, especially since she only takes a few half hour naps a day at daycare, and maybe one 1-2 hour nap when I'm home with her. (SIGH)

About 10 minutes before we had to leave, she also vomitted all over herself and her Exersaucer. I'm too tired to be dealing with this sort of thing with a clear head. It's a good thing Brian was running late and hadn't left for work yet.

Yes, she's at daycare. I can't stay home with her again. We're under a lot of pressure at work right now and I know I'm already on the list for all the time I've missed already because of Margaret's illnesses. If they send her home from daycare, fine, then work can't argue with that. But I couldn't stay home. (They're still renovating the hallway anyway, so it's not like it would be a restful day.)

Just to spite me, I think, Margaret gave the biggest grin to her teacher when I dropped her off this morning. Like she was a well-rested, happy, healthy child...like it was all a figment of my imagination. Wonderful.

Things That Make You Sigh

(SIGH) We have a sick baby again. Well, she never really got over her stuffy nose and cough, but it's gotten worse in the last 24 hours. It's a good thing she's going to the doctor tomorrow. Even daycare told me she was cranky all day, which she never is cranky there. When I got her home, it was the screaming fits all over again. I gave her some infant Advil and PediaSure and now she's conked out resting. I don't know what she could have that would get worse like that, especially after she had been on antibiotics for 10 days. But it's certainly making her miserable again.

In the general fashion of "when it rains, it pours," we're having landlord issues again. For the most part, we never hear from him. I haven't even ever met him; I haven't a clue what the guy looks like. I like it that way. Last December, he gave us a hard time about the garage - the garage that our lease says we have full use of. He tried to force us to let the 2nd floor tenant park his ATV in there (an ATV that was, at least according to the lease that I wrote and they were under originally, banned from the premises). He tried to tell us that we didn't, and even when Brian explained that there wasn't any room anyway, he insisted upon coming out to see for himself. In the meantime, I talked with our attorney about. He agreed with me in that the lease said we have the entire use of the garage; we do not have to share it. Oddly, we never heard from the landlord again about that issue... I don't know if he spoke with his own attorney or what. But he didn't bring it up again. Then the renovations started several weeks ago. I can't stay home during the day because they've been working on gutting the hallway. There's plaster dust everywhere (including all over my vacuum, which was stored in the stairway to the basement - an area where they weren't supposed to be working). I can't even do laundry necessarily when I want to because the accessway is through the hallway that's being renovated. Now, on top of that disruption, we got a call today from the landlord that he wants us to leave the garage unlocked because they're painting the doors to the garage and he wants to store the sheetrock in there while they work on the hallway. I really didn't want to revisit this, especially now. So Brian called him back and explained to him that there isn't any room in the garage for the sheetrock. Apparently, that pissed the landlord off because he got all huffy and hung up on Brian. I have a horrible feeling about this... And the timing couldn't be worse. With Margaret being sick, and me in a sleep-deprived state (as she's still not back to sleeping fully through the night) the last thing I need to worry about is a battle of the minds with the landlord. And I really can't afford to move right now. (Not to mention I can't even fathom having to deal with that... I can't even manage to keep up with the dishes lately! I don't want to have to move, even if I'm not happy here.)

(SIGH)

Back To Normal

Sorry to leave everyone hanging like that! It got to be quite a busy week!

Tuesday Margaret started acting more like her old self again. Smiles were abundant and she was in a playful mood. It came just in time, as I wasn't sure how much more I could take of the changeling child we had. The happy mood continued throughout the rest of the week, leading me to believe that our old Margaret is back. Given the timing, it could be that her ears were still bothering her until then. But I'm not a doctor. In any case, she has a cold (stuffy nose, chest congestion, and cough) but she's happy. She goes back this Tuesday for a follow-up with her pediatricians to make sure her ears are all clear again.

Margaret appears to be loving her apples. She gets all excited and tries to feed herself. If I'm not careful, she'll grab onto my arm with both of her hands and try to direct the spoon into her mouth. Usually, her aim is a little off. It doesn't help that in her excitement, she tends to move her head to the side *just* before the spoon gets to her mouth. I find myself holding one hand the whole time so I can maintain some control over the situation. But at least she's enjoying it! We did apples all last week and I plan on introducing sweet potatoes this week. Personally, I'm not a fan. But she has to give them a shot.

Cloth diapering is going well. We only used 1 disposable all weekend. During the week, she's in cloth from when she gets home from daycare until the next morning. It's really pretty easy. The only complication is that I don't have many yet so on the weekends, I have to wash every day. But other than that, I'm impressed. Besides, with all the cute options out there, how could I resist? ;)

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I know joints loosen up during pregnancy, but mine are still pretty loose. My joints crack and creak often, something that rarely happened before I got pregnant. It doesn't hurt when it happens, but the sound of it freaks me out. Normal? Who knows. As long as it's not causing any pain, I read, I shouldn't worry. It's still weird.

My father asked me today when I would have another child. I asked him when I would be moving in. I was joking, however, he wants to have a talk with me tomorrow about our finances. See where my big mouth lands me!

Losing My Mind

Still cranky. The ears may be infected, but she's been on amoxicillan since 3AM Thursday. And pain reliever. And cold meds at night. This can't possibly be the cause for the continued crankiness. And I'm losing my mind over it. Brian is never home to help... She will not sleep. She will not play. She just wants to cry. And be held. But not held sitting, held standing. And she must be held like she is standing. Meanwhile, we're almost out of bottles and I accidentally melted the liner of our allergy mattress cover in the dryer. But I can't attend to either problem because here she sits, crying... crying... crying. It's been 40 minutes now that I've been trying to get her to go to sleep. She rubs her eyes... but will not sleep. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

ETA: I have tried playing on the floor with her sitting, with her standing, having her play in the Exersaucer alone and with me, bouncing her in the bouncy seat, walking around cradling her, walking around holding her upright, walking around with her belly on my forearm, rocking her in the chair on her side, rocking her in the chair on her back, reading to her, and so on and so forth. In the end, rocking her with her on her belly and her face up around my arm worked... but I think it's because she just gave up. She's napping now on her belly. I hope it lasts longer than 20 minutes since she doesn't seem to want to go longer than that today.

I feel like a terrible mother. A failure. I wanted her so badly, but all I am is depressed lately because I can't make her happy. I feel rejected. And worthless. And stressed because I'm supposed to manage everything around the house in between, which there is no in between lately. I melted the mattress cover because I was rushing to do the laundry (she was crying) and in my haste, I didn't change the temp setting. Haste makes waste, I know, but if I hadn't been so stressed out, it probably wouldn't have happened. I feel guilty because I'm blaming her for how I feel emotionally. And for even more that I don't dare type for fear of being ostracized as a traitor to motherhood. Right now, all I want is to be numb... Then it won't matter that she cries all day long.

The Ears Have It

At least, they are now the leading contender in why Margaret was so cranky and wouldn't sleep. After Margaret started up her routine of waking every hour during the night again, I decided to take her to the emergency room. She was acting so unlike herself and the screams were louder than usual, as well as sounding different. I did learn one thing: if you want service at the ER, bring a screaming infant. I have never been in and out of there so fast in all my life! In the end, they decided that she has ear infections in both her ears. Had she been displaying any signs that this might be the case? Nope. No ear tugging, no problems eating, just the crankiness. The last time I worried about an ear infection due to crankiness, it didn't turn out to be that at all so I guess that's why I didn't even consider that a possibility. But there we were at 3:30AM getting her ears checked out, and the doc said they were red inside. He prescribed amoxicillan for 10 days and infant's Motrin every 6 hrs right now for the pain. As soon as they gave her the Motrin, she stopped screaming and went to sleep. She's been pretty good ever since.

I feel horrible that she had been cranky for days now and I didn't even think to have her ears checked. I'm always so worried about being one of "those" moms that overreacts to every little thing that I missed something big. How awful.

In any case, I'm home with her today. Well, at my mom's house anyway. The hallway at our apartment building is being redone (plaster down, sheetrock up) so I knew there was no way either one of us would get any rest today. (Mind you, I didn't make it into bed until midnight because of Becky's flea bath incident...and then Margaret started waking at 1:30AM.) I was a bit worried about calling into work... this will be my 4th sick day this month, 3 of them for Margaret. But it's not like I have any control over the situation. She definitely can't go to daycare today. She had no sleep, she's in pain, and she's in the first 24 hrs of an antibiotic she's never taken before. Work can wait... or I guess I'll end up being a SAHM if it doesn't. ;)

Update

Margaret slept from 9:30PM to 6:15AM. (She also had a nap from probably 8-9PM before the "last" feeding.) Looks like this *could* be the culprit. But it will take a few more nights before I can tell for sure.

New problem. Margaret has been *extremely* fussy at home lately. Apparently, she's as good as can be at daycare. At least, they keep telling me this even when I don't ask. And it's always checked off on her progress report that she's happy and curious, and usually cooperative, too. However, when she's home and awake, she screams most of the time. This is a relatively new problem, but it's probably been going on for about a week now. At first I thought daycare may be lying, but if they keep saying she's so happy and friendly when I don't even ask, how can that be the case? Which then makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong that she's wonderful for them and miserable with me.

It seems the problem may in part be gas-related. We're trying a new tummy soother that's all natural (chammomile and ginger, basically). At least, we started using that when after absolutely nothing else worked, we thought maybe she was having tummy troubles. This seems to lessen the intensity, but tonight, she was still pretty upset afterwards. Since she's not tolerating her old milk-based formula, she's been on Prosobee Lipils. We never gave her formula with ARA/DHA before, and I have heard of that causing gas issues, so maybe that's the source of her unhappiness? I bought some non-lipil Prosobee to try next. Then I read today that babies tend to be fussier in the evening/night because they don't know what to do with the day's pent up stress. Which would mean that there's not much I can do about it if that's the cause. But I hate that option because it makes me feel so powerless. Maybe she's just overtired? She doesn't usually nap well at daycare and is only napping less than 2 hrs a day there.

Who knows why... I just wish it would stop. She's supposed to be crying less at this stage, not more. It's very stressful and tiring to try everything you can think of and still have a screaming infant. (SIGH)

ETA: Oh yes! And now we have fleas. I just finished giving Becky a flea bath and tomorrow after working until 6:30PM, I'll have to figure out how to prevent a major infestation without bombing the place. Should be interesting and not something I'm exactly ready to handle right now.... It's been a hell of a week and it's only Wednesday.