Maternity Leave Defined

Okay, I have my answer from Personnel on our policy. Any time the doctor says I'm unable to work I can charge off to sick time (usually 6 weeks for vaginal birth, 8 weeks for C-section). After that, I can take the balance of the 12 weeks of unpaid time to which I'm entitled under Federal FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act)-my employer is not subject to the Connecticut FMLA, only Federal (Connecticut's allows 16 weeks, but again, unpaid). I MUST use any paid personal/vacation time first once I'm in the "unpaid" period before I get to actual unpaid leave. (I hope that makes sense...)

So lets say I don't have any medical problems and I work up until delivery. Then the doctor says I need to stay out of work for 6 weeks for recovery. I can take 6 weeks of paid sick time. Once I get past those 6 weeks, I can still stay home for up to 6 more weeks. At that point, I have to use any paid time off to which I'm entitled first (sick time cannot be used since I am not "sick" per the definition in our contract). So I have 3 weeks of vacation time. If I can't afford to take any unpaid time off (which is the case), that would mean I could stay home for a total of 9 weeks paid. If the doctor says I need 8 weeks recovery, then it would be 11 weeks paid (which is what I was hoping for anyway, although I wanted to save 1 week of vacation time for at the end of the year to spend time with our families after Christmas). I'm hoping I can get the doctor to approve 8 weeks...and worst case scenario, I can go back to work after the 9 or 11 weeks. I'll still have 2 personal days that I can save and take them off after Christmas, allowing me to have some time off at the end of the year just not as much as I originally planned. It's not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's better than nothing. And I'll still have plenty of sick time left over for illnesses after this at least.

16 Down, 24 to Go

Wow! This is going by fast, really! 16 weeks today and only 24 to go. I had a realization last night...in only 10 weeks, I'll be in the 3rd trimester. What's so amazing about this? The fact that I'm viewing it as "only" 10 weeks. My first pregnancy didn't even last that long, yet now it seems like that isn't very much time at all and will fly by. And it will. My attitude is entirely different then it was with Arabella and I think that helps. I learned from her that I have no control over this, and so I've given that up and handed it over to whatever "higher powers" do. I'm grateful for as long as I've had so far with Peep, but it's not in my hands as to how long I have with him/her. I think this revelation has allowed me to live more in the moment instead of worrying all the time about what could be. Sure, I've had my moments, but for the most part I haven't been my usual obsessive self. And it's made it that much more enjoyable.

Today I will be meeting with Personnel at work to find out what exactly the policy is on maternity leave. I know the federal and state laws; that was the first thing I did when we decided to TTC. But the laws leave it up to the employer as to whether or not sick time can be used to offset the unpaid leave. I've accumulated 11 weeks of sick time just for this reason, in hopes of it providing for a paid maternity leave. I work in a union environment, so usually this sort of thing would be spelled out in our contract. But since most of the women I work with are beyond child-bearing age, it hasn't been an issue before and therefore hasn't been addressed. There is one woman who was pregnant recently there, but she was a "contract employee"-not part of the union. I believe their benefits follow management's, and management has a pretty generous amount of sick leave (I think they can leave for up to 1/2 a year and not lose any of their salary), so she probably stayed out under that. Today all will be revealed.

Just Stuff

I guess I was a little vague yesterday...my appointment was with Dr. K. For some reason that I was not told (and I was not forewarned), he was not there, so they shoved me off on Dr. F. I had no idea until she walked into the exam room that I'd be seeing someone else. My next appointment is also with Dr. K. He BETTER be there!! If not him, then it better be one of the delivering doctors. I don't even know why they would have a non-delivering doctor see pregnant patients. And I can't imagine seeing her as my gyno if that's how she is with pregnant women. My favorite doctor in the practice probably had her baby over the last week, so she won't be back until March. I'd love to make all of my appointments with her but since any one of 4 doctors will be the one on call when I go into labor, I figure I better get used to them. At least, I tried to do that.

Money money money. Nobody ever has enough. I think I found a way to pay for daycare once the baby comes, but there won't really be anything to spare. I don't think our debts are that ridiculously out of whack from what the average Joe has these days, yet it seems we never get ahead. We were looking at real estate for sale and found one that suited Brian's needs, although the location was less than desirable. How sad it was to realize it was a stretch we couldn't make when you factor in the daycare we'll have to pay for. We're not talking big bucks here; it's just that the real estate market is so crazy right now that starter homes are outside of the reach of those who need them. And I will NEVER own a multifamily again. It works great in theory, but it never worked out that way for us. Everything's hunky-dory if you get paid every month, but we seemed to have a vacancy in one or the other apartment the whole time we owned the place. So much turnover and so few desirable renters out there. I hate renting. I really do. I want to be able to do whatever I want with where I live...it's just out of reach right now. I don't know...we must be doing something wrong. There may be an opening in another department at work that works 5 more hours a week than mine does, so I may transfer if the opportunity arises. It will suck to have to learn a new job right before having a baby, but we could really use the money. Money money money.

I wore a maternity shirt to work for the first time today. I was hoping nobody would notice, but they did right away. At least I met their approval; nobody seemed to think I was wearing it too soon. I don't really need the maternity shirts yet, it's just that my regular ones are getting shorter and shorter and I want to make sure that demi panel is covered on my bottoms. Maybe it has to do with the absolutely horrible 8 lbs I've gained so far. Never mind the fact that I had 2 holidays to contend with (3 if you count New Year's) since I got pregnant. 8 lbs in 16 weeks doesn't seem that bad to me...that would average out to 20 lbs over the entire pregnancy. But apparently it's just way to much. I guess I'm going to be a huge heifer by the end of this pregnancy if I don't watch out and eat more veggies/fruits and get up off my butt and exercise more... Of course, I don't think 20 lbs would be all that bad. Isn't average 25 lbs? Oh well...

Which reminds me. Why the heck does my butt, hips, and back hurt so much already??? Isn't it a bit early for this? I've been trying to sleep on my side lately since I know I will have no choice soon, but my hips hurt like heck. Darn spring mattress! And I've noticed at work that when I sit too long, my butt hurts, too, when I get up. My tailbone, to be more specific. My lower back has been bothering me since before I got my BFP, which is hugely different than my pregnancy with Arabella. Quite annoying, too. I thought I would have had some respite from these aches and pains in early pregnancy, but I guess not. Only 24 more weeks of them to deal with....let's hope!

Doctors...

Back from my doctor's appointment. I didn't get see the doctor I was supposed to, Dr. K. Instead, I saw Dr. F, one of the non-delivering doctors in the practice. I did not like her at all. She rushed through the appointment and lectured the whole time. Apparently, I'm not eating well enough, I'm not exercising enough, and my questions are stupid. Never mind the fact that the last time I tried to go the gym, I almost vomitted on the equipment - she says it will make me feel better. And I guess I never knew my food groups either since she went through each one of them. You mean fat isn't on the bottom of the food pyramid? Duh! She seemed irritated that I had any questions at all, and brushed it all off as normal. She wouldn't even check out this "irritation" I've been having; just told me to try an OTC solution and call them if it didn't work. I didn't bother trying to get an ultrasound out of her...there would have been no point. Hopefully I will get to see Dr. K next time when I go for "the big ultrasound" as well. February 2nd. 4 more weeks. I can make it, right? The rest of my questions will have to wait until then, too. No point in asking questions about delivery options of one who doesn't deliver.

Back to Work

After a lovely hiatus of nearly a week and a half, it's back to work for me today. Yuck. I've gotten so used to sleeping in until "A Baby Story" is on TLC at 9AM, and staying up until nearly midnight. I've always been a night owl and never a morning person so this suited me well. I've also gotten used to spending all day with our dog, and she's pretty clingy so I have a feeling she will take this hard. I take her just about everywhere I can with me, so she really hates it when I have to go to work and leave her behind by herself. And of course, I don't particularly like my job to begin with, so it makes it even harder to return to it after being away so long. But return I must...if nothing else, I need the insurance for a safe delivery of Peep in June.

I also have my monthly OB appointment this afternoon. I've decided to try to convince him to take a peek in there and see how many babies there are. I'd like some time to prepare myself if there are two Peeps in there, although I really think there's only one - I just want to be sure. So hopefully he cooperates, although I'm not counting on it... I'll update when I return!

Allow Me To Elaborate

The following comment was in regards to the last statement I made yesterday about the miscarriage dreams being worse than the real thing.

I have to disagree... After 6 miscarriages, I would rather dream one than have one... Seriously.

Which made me think... I must not have expressed myself correctly in the first place, because I certainly wouldn't rather have a miscarriage than dream about one. So what did I really mean?

My miscarriage was a "missed abortion." The actual experience wasn't very real for me. I bled for only an hour or two, and not very heavily. When I called the doctor's office that Saturday, they weren't especially concerned and told me to just rest over the weekend and come in Monday morning for an ultrasound. So I did as I was told, and the bleeding stopped. By Monday morning, I was expecting to see the little one's heart beating away...it was nothing like a "textbook" miscarriage, and so I was totally unprepared for the news that the baby had died. I ended up having a D&C that day because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. Septicemia was one concern. The other was that I did not want to go through the actual experience of my body rejecting our child. I could not face it. I wanted the "procedure" to be over as quickly as possible so I could move on. And then I grieved over that decision later; I had no finality. I never saw our baby. I never got to really say goodbye. I have no real memories of that baby, nothing to distinguish the experience from anything more than a dream. I experienced a loss that was intangible, which made it even more difficult to justify my tears to my husband since it was even less real for him.

I don't wish a miscarriage on anyone. And I hope I don't have to go through it again. So these vivid dreams (the first one several weeks ago including much blood and being so real that I was confused when I woke up and thought I had really lost our little Peep) have really affected me. Maybe it's karma for not going through it naturally with Arabella. For thinking I could escape the most horrid moments of it by having a D&C. So the thoughts and experiences of miscarriage play themselves over and over again in my dreams, so real it's like it's happening every time I dream it. All the "stuff" I tried to avoid chasing me down when I'm most vulnerable. Making sure I never forget. Making sure I never feel too comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead of having the actual experience and it being over-with (so to speak), instead I get to relive it repeatedly...

As I said, I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. A dream is always better than the reality. But the dreams are plaguing me... I misspoke and I apologize to any who were offended or upset by what I said. But you have to understand that the dreams are no better when they feel so real and they allow fear to keep creeping into the picture, preventing true happiness and contentedness from ever settling in.

Bad Dreams Again...

I slept horribly last night. The people upstairs had a party while we were out, and I guess they decided 1-2AM was a great time to clean up after it. All the thumping and heavy-footed walking made it extremely difficult for me to sleep. I had a lot of dreams (which explains why I feel terrible today - I obviously had poor quality sleep). The most vivid was another one of those things that tends to come with pregnancy, but it was just plain horrible.

I dreamt of miscarriage again... One that consisted of no blood, so I had no idea it was happening. I just went to the bathroom and the next thing I knew, there was an embryonic sac in the toilet with 2 fetuses (or is that feti?) in it. I wasn't all that upset in the dream; it was like I was expecting it to happen. I just scooped them up and brought them to the doctor's office to be sure I was seeing correctly. Then I woke up.

Twins...it's been on my mind a lot lately. Can you tell? Twins sharing the same sac is pretty rare, yet it still manifested itself in my dreams. Ever since the doctor said "I wonder if we should check if there are two in there?" I can't stop thinking about it. What made her wonder that at that time? I kept making excuses to myself why it couldn't possibly be true... I don't have a huge preggo belly still, my symptoms haven't been that bad (they haven't been great either, but most of the time women who are pregnant with multiples have intensified symptoms), and I did have that ultrasound at 7 weeks. The tech said nothing of 2 in there at that time, although I swear I saw two heart-like pulses on the screen. And slowly but surely, each of my excuses has been removed. I spoke with one of my aunts who had twins nearly 17 years ago. A tall and very thin woman all of her life, she said she did not get big at all with the boys. Most people had no idea there were twins in there, and those who did worried that they weren't growing properly. She also had very mild symptoms. Then last night, another aunt told me of a friend of hers who had twins and they didn't find out until quite late because one was behind the other when the ultrasound was done early on. I guess anything is possible...

So are there 2 in there? I'm debating trying to get the OB to do an ultrasound at my appointment on Monday. I'm not due for the 20 week ultrasound for 4.5 more weeks - I don't know if I can wait that long to find out. Obviously it's affecting my subconscious... But will the doctor cooperate? Or will he just brush it off as typical pregnant lady lunacy? I guess I'll just have to wait until Monday to find out what happens next. All I know is, I don't want to have another dream like the one I had last night. Going through a miscarriage is bad enough, but having dreams like that is ten times worse.