Losing My Mind

Still cranky. The ears may be infected, but she's been on amoxicillan since 3AM Thursday. And pain reliever. And cold meds at night. This can't possibly be the cause for the continued crankiness. And I'm losing my mind over it. Brian is never home to help... She will not sleep. She will not play. She just wants to cry. And be held. But not held sitting, held standing. And she must be held like she is standing. Meanwhile, we're almost out of bottles and I accidentally melted the liner of our allergy mattress cover in the dryer. But I can't attend to either problem because here she sits, crying... crying... crying. It's been 40 minutes now that I've been trying to get her to go to sleep. She rubs her eyes... but will not sleep. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

ETA: I have tried playing on the floor with her sitting, with her standing, having her play in the Exersaucer alone and with me, bouncing her in the bouncy seat, walking around cradling her, walking around holding her upright, walking around with her belly on my forearm, rocking her in the chair on her side, rocking her in the chair on her back, reading to her, and so on and so forth. In the end, rocking her with her on her belly and her face up around my arm worked... but I think it's because she just gave up. She's napping now on her belly. I hope it lasts longer than 20 minutes since she doesn't seem to want to go longer than that today.

I feel like a terrible mother. A failure. I wanted her so badly, but all I am is depressed lately because I can't make her happy. I feel rejected. And worthless. And stressed because I'm supposed to manage everything around the house in between, which there is no in between lately. I melted the mattress cover because I was rushing to do the laundry (she was crying) and in my haste, I didn't change the temp setting. Haste makes waste, I know, but if I hadn't been so stressed out, it probably wouldn't have happened. I feel guilty because I'm blaming her for how I feel emotionally. And for even more that I don't dare type for fear of being ostracized as a traitor to motherhood. Right now, all I want is to be numb... Then it won't matter that she cries all day long.

The Ears Have It

At least, they are now the leading contender in why Margaret was so cranky and wouldn't sleep. After Margaret started up her routine of waking every hour during the night again, I decided to take her to the emergency room. She was acting so unlike herself and the screams were louder than usual, as well as sounding different. I did learn one thing: if you want service at the ER, bring a screaming infant. I have never been in and out of there so fast in all my life! In the end, they decided that she has ear infections in both her ears. Had she been displaying any signs that this might be the case? Nope. No ear tugging, no problems eating, just the crankiness. The last time I worried about an ear infection due to crankiness, it didn't turn out to be that at all so I guess that's why I didn't even consider that a possibility. But there we were at 3:30AM getting her ears checked out, and the doc said they were red inside. He prescribed amoxicillan for 10 days and infant's Motrin every 6 hrs right now for the pain. As soon as they gave her the Motrin, she stopped screaming and went to sleep. She's been pretty good ever since.

I feel horrible that she had been cranky for days now and I didn't even think to have her ears checked. I'm always so worried about being one of "those" moms that overreacts to every little thing that I missed something big. How awful.

In any case, I'm home with her today. Well, at my mom's house anyway. The hallway at our apartment building is being redone (plaster down, sheetrock up) so I knew there was no way either one of us would get any rest today. (Mind you, I didn't make it into bed until midnight because of Becky's flea bath incident...and then Margaret started waking at 1:30AM.) I was a bit worried about calling into work... this will be my 4th sick day this month, 3 of them for Margaret. But it's not like I have any control over the situation. She definitely can't go to daycare today. She had no sleep, she's in pain, and she's in the first 24 hrs of an antibiotic she's never taken before. Work can wait... or I guess I'll end up being a SAHM if it doesn't. ;)

Update

Margaret slept from 9:30PM to 6:15AM. (She also had a nap from probably 8-9PM before the "last" feeding.) Looks like this *could* be the culprit. But it will take a few more nights before I can tell for sure.

New problem. Margaret has been *extremely* fussy at home lately. Apparently, she's as good as can be at daycare. At least, they keep telling me this even when I don't ask. And it's always checked off on her progress report that she's happy and curious, and usually cooperative, too. However, when she's home and awake, she screams most of the time. This is a relatively new problem, but it's probably been going on for about a week now. At first I thought daycare may be lying, but if they keep saying she's so happy and friendly when I don't even ask, how can that be the case? Which then makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong that she's wonderful for them and miserable with me.

It seems the problem may in part be gas-related. We're trying a new tummy soother that's all natural (chammomile and ginger, basically). At least, we started using that when after absolutely nothing else worked, we thought maybe she was having tummy troubles. This seems to lessen the intensity, but tonight, she was still pretty upset afterwards. Since she's not tolerating her old milk-based formula, she's been on Prosobee Lipils. We never gave her formula with ARA/DHA before, and I have heard of that causing gas issues, so maybe that's the source of her unhappiness? I bought some non-lipil Prosobee to try next. Then I read today that babies tend to be fussier in the evening/night because they don't know what to do with the day's pent up stress. Which would mean that there's not much I can do about it if that's the cause. But I hate that option because it makes me feel so powerless. Maybe she's just overtired? She doesn't usually nap well at daycare and is only napping less than 2 hrs a day there.

Who knows why... I just wish it would stop. She's supposed to be crying less at this stage, not more. It's very stressful and tiring to try everything you can think of and still have a screaming infant. (SIGH)

ETA: Oh yes! And now we have fleas. I just finished giving Becky a flea bath and tomorrow after working until 6:30PM, I'll have to figure out how to prevent a major infestation without bombing the place. Should be interesting and not something I'm exactly ready to handle right now.... It's been a hell of a week and it's only Wednesday.

Following My Heart

A TREMENDOUS Thank You to all who posted on my previous topic! It makes me feel so much better about my concern about the dropped feeding. I know we're told over and over again that mommy instincts are incredibly accurate and we should go with them, but sometimes it's difficult to feel that you've made the right decision when one with a medical degree is telling you to do the opposite of what your heart says is right. I do have the utmost respect for Margaret's doctors' opinions, but when it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right, and this just didn't from the start. Margaret got back her "last" feeding tonight. To hell with his opinion in this case! I will cut back when she is ready for it, not when he tells me to. After all - she's only a baby! It's not like she has any understanding of eating just for the sake of eating. That's an adult (or at least, older child) concept that's beyond her still. She looks to eat because she is *hungry* and because she needs it. Plain and simple.

I also want to thank Jackie for posting all those guidelines. Margaret actually does meet those guidelines, but I still don't think she's ready for solids. Either that, or she just doesn't like anything she's been offered yet. :) We'll keep trying, but I'm not going to force it on her. There's no need to, especially at this age.

Hopefully I'll be able to rest easier tonight, with a clear conscience and a baby that actually sleeps.

Does The Doctor Always Know Best?

On October 14th we had Margaret's 4 month appointment. It was at that time that her doctor expressed a concern about Margaret's continuing trend of being off the charts on weight. Mind you, she was 9 lbs 2 oz at birth and has been gaining steadily. In fact, last month was the smallest gain so far in a month's time. And she's 26 inches tall. Regardless, her doctor told me to cut back her formula by 1-2 oz per feeding! She had been taking in 36 oz/day in 6-6 oz feedings and since we normally had to wake her for her last feeding at 9:30PM, we decided to try dropping that one. Her doctor also wanted me to start giving her cereal. I originally intended to wait until she was 6 months old to start cereal, but I knew she wouldn't be happy with less formula unless she got something else in exchange.

The problems. Well, for starters, she hates cereal. In 5 feedings, she only once ate it...at the first one. Every time I've attempted it since, she's screamed, spit it all out, and refused to eat. So Friday I stopped trying to give her cereal, figuring this is her way of showing me she is not ready yet.

Next are the sleep problems. Margaret started consistently sleeping through the night at about 6 weeks of age. There were a few instances when she did not, but those were mostly when she was ill. However, once we started cutting feedings, she stopped sleeping through the night. She was 17 weeks old when we started this, so it had been a couple of months that she had been sleeping well before this. The sleeping problems keep getting worse. She used to sleep 9:30PM to 6:30/7AM. Last night, she went down "for the night" at 8:30PM, but woke up at 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5:45AM. She went back down pretty quickly for most of the wakings, but at the 4AM one, it took me 40 minutes to get her back down. (And I didn't get back to sleep after that because Brian's alarm clock started going off at 5AM, but that's a whole other issue...)

I'm thinking of disobeying the doctor's orders. If it were only a night or two, I probably wouldn't be concerned... but she hasn't slept through the night once since we changed her feedings. It seems to me that she needs more than 30 oz/day to function properly. Heck, my mother told me my brothers were taking in 40 oz/day at her age and she wasn't told to cut back (and their doctor is the father of Margaret's doctor, actually). I just don't know what to do. But I do know that what we're doing right now isn't working.

No Paper Undies For My Baby!

LOL! I laugh every time I see blinkies proclaiming: "I don't wear paper undies so why should my baby." It makes sense, it's just a funny thought. It's right up there with the "I don't eat in the bathroom so why should my baby" blinkies. Great statement using humor to get the point across. At least, they're humorous to me.

Anyway, back during the first time I was pregnant, I had done a lot of research on cloth diapering and really wanted to do it. However, I was met with extensive opposition (including my own sister who proclaimed she would not watch baby-to-be until s/he was out of diapers if I chose to use cloth). The second time I got pregnant, I was more concerned with actually having a baby in the end than how I would diaper, so it went to the wayside.

But it's been on my mind again lately. There exist many reasons to cloth diaper, and I won't get into them here. There are plenty of sites advocating it that you can turn to if you're looking to be converted. For me, there were a couple of reasons. #1 chemicals. There are so many chemical in disposables and it bothers me. Think of that absorbant gel...what is it anyway? How good can it be to have that against the skin? #2 cost. So much money literally thrown away every day. #3 Margaret only pees at night anyway. How hard can it possibly be to wash some pee diapers?

Well, Margaret's daycare doesn't do cloth, so she'd have to be in sposies there anyway. But I figured I'd give it a shot at night and maybe incorporate it into the weekends if I like it. Last night was our first night trying. We used a borrowed Fuzzi Bunz pocket dipe with 2 borrowed microfiber inserts in the pocket. I do have to say that the smell you get in the morning after your baby sits in a cloth diaper for 10 hrs is less than appealing. I never did like the pee smell in sposies, but with cloth, it was like straight ammonia. Yuck! But she did stay dry all night. I also bought my own Bumkins AIO (all in one) and I just had to try it yesterday evening. They're the closest you can get to the convenience of a disposable in the cloth diapering world. Very easy to use. I was definitely pleased with that. I think if I could afford to go with all AIOs, I may just give it a chance on the weekends, too.

Now if only I could get over my huge aversion to poo, then I would have an easier time cloth diapering more than just at night....

More Sleep

Let's see... Tuesday night there was a bit of a fight, but not as bad. During that night, however, I was awakened at 2AM not by Margaret's cries, but the by the cries of the upstairs tenant's 1.5 year old daughter. I kept bringing the monitor to my ear to be sure, but it didn't sound like Margaret anyway. She even woke Brian up, and he never wakes up to Margaret's cries! Margaret didn't want to be left out, I guess, because she woke up at 4AM and 5:15AM on Wednesday. I ended up having to wake her finally at 7AM to get ready for the day (she normally wakes at 6:30AM on her own). I was exhausted that day. Wednesday night, no fight for bed. She was down by 8:30PM. Woke up at 3AM, but went back to sleep very quickly. I think she wanted her pacifier, but I don't want to get in the habit of waking up to replace a binky. She slept until 6:30AM after that. But last night... that was golden! In bed between 8 and 8:30PM and slept straight through until 6:40AM! I don't know if her long nap at daycare had anything to do with it, but I'll take it!

Now if only Brian and I weren't both sick, we would have gotten some sleep last night...

I wanted to bring Margaret to a pumpkin patch this weekend but it's supposed to rain. More rain. As if the 9 days we had in the recent past isn't enough, we'll now lose the 3rd weekend in a row to rain.