Random Thoughts

Thank you to everyone for all of your understanding, support, and advice! It really does help!

To clarify...I live in the same town as where I work. In fact, work is less than 1 mile away but the daycare we're taking Maggie to is closer to 3 miles away. Not convenient when there's traffic, but it was what we chose at the time. I guess I'm a little spoiled in that respect though. I'll at least have the time to go visit her on my lunch breaks so all won't be lost.

One week of maternity leave left. What have I done? Well, I applied for a night job at a hospital about 1 hour away. The travel would be heck, especially since it would be on highways that get backed up. I hate traffic. But it's an evening/night position, which should enable me to at least spend my days with Maggie without having to send her to daycare. There's another position at a hospital that's a half hour away that I will also be applying for. The hours for that position are 11PM to 7AM (I don't know the actual hours for the position I already applied for, BTW). We'll see if either of these works out.

Brian actually did come around to the idea of staying home during the day with Maggie and working at night. Except he's a horrible procrastinator. He waited too long to get his resume in for a job that would have been perfect for him. It was in his field and it was only 3 days a week, 6PM-6AM. He complained yesterday that he was looking forward to spending his days with her. Guess that should be a lesson to him on what happens when you put off until tomorrow (and the next day and the next day...) what you could have done today.

I can't believe Maggie is 8 weeks old! Has that much time really gone by? The days blur into one that it's so hard to mark the passage of time, other than by her new abilities. She smiles all the time now. We have little smiling matches every morning. She coos and makes all sorts of noises. She has different cries for different things. She can hold her head up really well. She has rolled over from tummy to back several times now. She would crawl if she could...when you put her down on her tummy, the back legs start going almost instantly. If she knew what to do with her arms, she'd be mobile! She has a personality now. She's no longer the little "blob" that she once was. She's pretty moody and stubborn, but quite lovable. And I'm going to miss her.

I never would have pictured myself loving staying home, but I do. I guess part of it is that I'm not a very social person anyway. I only have 1 real friend now, and she moved earlier this year to about 40 minutes away. I'm not fond of my co-workers. All the good ones left. I don't crave going back to work for the social aspect of it. I'd be just fine with talking baby talk all day to Margaret instead of spending my time talking to adults. I used to worry about what I would do all day to occupy myself if I were home. Instead, I find there's no time to worry because I'm always busy. And I like that. It's always different and always interesting with Maggie around. I'm going to miss this life.

It's all my fault I can't stay home... I shouldn't have been so irresponsible with credit cards. We've paid off a lot, but there's still enough left that I HAVE to work no matter what. If it wasn't for them, I'd say screw it and stay home anyway. Just would have to be careful not to get too sick since Brian's medical insurance sucks. But alas, I dug my own grave.. Made my bed and now I must sleep in it. If only I had thought ahead when I was younger...

Plan B Backfires

I should have known that searching for a different childcare provider at the 11th hour wouldn't work out well. Of the 10 family daycare providers in my town that accept infants: 5 are on the wrong side of town (too inconvenient); 1 is on too busy of a road; 1 charges almost as much as we're paying currently; 1 will have no openings for at least a year and has a waiting list. I'm waiting on a call back from one but it sounded like a personal answering machine that I left a message on...it's entirely possible that it no longer exists. The last is within throwing distance of a low-income housing development that is notorious for criminal activity - not exactly the ideal place to send my child. So if the one I left a message for doesn't pan out (which doesn't seem likely since the other one I spoke with said that I was the 2nd call she had today looking for infant care, and the 3rd this week!) it looks like we will be stuck with the daycare center we chose back in April. My stomach is all tied up in knots. Not only am I worried about how the heck we will pay for it, but I had grown used to the idea of a smaller, more home-like setting for her care. I'm disappointed that it won't work out, as well as upset that she'll miss out on the opportunity to spend 1 or 2 days a week with my aunt.

Nothing seems to ever go as planned anymore...

The Search Is On

I must be crazy. In a week and a half, I'm supposed to return to work. And while we secured daycare arrangements back in April, I'm looking for different arrangements. A couple things... First, the center we were supposed to bring her to increased their rates. She hasn't even started yet, but the rates have gone up. $210/week was already stretching our budget really thin; now it's $219/week. $9/week may not seem much, but we had very little left over as it is. Even this little bit is making me feel like we've stretched ourselves too thin now. Another thing is that, now that I've gotten to know Margaret, I feel terrible about leaving her. I want my little girl to get all the attention she wants...something that isn't very likely to happen at a daycare center where she would have to share the attention of her caregiver with 3 other infants.

What really triggered this though is that one of my aunts offered to watch Margaret for us...but she can only do it 1 or 2 days a week. I couldn't find anyone else in the family to take her for the other 2.5-3.5 days (I couldn't even get my mother to take the half day on Fridays!), so if I can find a provider who will take her part-time, that would help us save a little money and allow her to have at least some one-on-one care while I'm at work. It seems like the best solution since she will definitely need some sort of care during the day while we're at work (at least, until one of us can find a suitable night job).

Searching for care at the last minute is pretty silly though. I dread the calls I will be making later today. I hate making phone calls anyway, but now I feel like a total fool. It also seems like, whenever I have things all set, I always find a way to create more work for myself at the last minute. But I'm really no longer comfortable with the arrangements we have, so the best thing to do is look elsewhere. Hopefully, we can find something that will work out!

In other news, Margaret was consistently sleeping 6-7 hours a night...that is, except for tonight. Tonight, she went down at about 10PM and was up before 3AM looking for food. She also peed all over the place during the diaper change. I really must make sure I'm more awake before I take that diaper off. After polishing off her 6 ounces of formula, instead of obediently falling back asleep right away, she laid in her bouncy seat smiling at me. I know she's not capable of it at this point, but it was almost like she was taunting me. She thought it was pretty funny that I wanted her to go back to bed. Doesn't it figure? Here I am, an hour after this whole thing started and it seems like she's *finally* asleep. Maybe she'll make up for this nighttime setback by sleeping in this morning? A girl can hope and dream, right?

Smoking Vent

While staring into the "Baby On Board" minivan in front of me while I was stuck in traffic today, I saw the driver shamelessly smoking inside that enclosed space with that child and was reminded that I had been meaning to make a post about this on my blog. Please note, I have nothing against the *people* themselves...I know plenty of smokers who are good *people*...it's the behavior and how it seems to knock the sense right out of people that ticks me off.

As a child, I grew up in a house of two smokers. My mom thinks it's hysterical that I once, as a toddler, tried to eat cigarette butts that were left in the ashtray on the coffee table. I suppose there is at least a small excuse in that, when I grew up, people didn't know the dangers of smoking. Women smoked while pregnant (my mother did with 3 of her 4 children, and I was one of those fetal smokers). It was a different time.

Today, however, there is no excuse. There is abundant information that is easily accessible and sometimes, practically thrown in your face, about how unhealthy and unsafe it is to smoke. If, in spite of all of this information, you still want to smoke...so be it. But don't make me and, most especially, don't make children smoke because you feel like doing so. I'm so sick of seeing this. And not only do I see it, I experience it in my own family. I started avoiding many family gatherings when I was pregnant because of the smoking. Because none of these people were considerate enough to NOT smoke around me even though I have asthma, and were even less considerate while I was pregnant. It didn't matter how many times I asked nicely, they all did it. Now that Maggie is out in the world, I've become totally obsessed with keeping her smoke-free. And with good reason! Some have now chosen to quit in light of my father's heart attack last month, but there are a few who persist. (I will add that my father and mother BOTH were in the inconsiderate smoker category...thankfully, they are quitting because of dad's heart attack!)

Yesterday we went to my grandparents' cottage. It was the first time this year, even though when I was younger, we used to go up every weekend. I've stayed away because of the smoking. Anyway, my uncle (not by blood) was smoking near us at the picnic tables. The wind was blowing it right in our direction. I asked if he could please not smoke near us and was immediately given a tirade that began with "Gimme a break....we're outside!!" like that makes it okay to smoke near babies. I didn't feel like arguing so I packed Maggie up and brought her inside, saying, "That's fine...I'll move then." So he continues later on to complain to my father, asking, "What's her problem?" Number one, I'm nearly 28 years old...do we really have to tell on me at this age? Number two, I asked nicely...he was an ass about it so I took control of the situation and removed her from the exposure. Why be a baby about it (the man is in his 50s after all? It's done and over with now.

It's that inconsideration that pisses me off the most, though. The smokers who don't think about the fact that when they smoke around you, you are now involuntarily smoking, too. Being outside doesn't negate this effect....in fact, when the wind is blowing, it enhances it. I'm not trying to take away anybody else's freedoms...however, mine are being infringed upon when I am forced to inhale the smoke. Yet these smokers don't seem to care about that... It's always ME, ME, ME. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Spent The Night In The ER

It was such a lovely night. Not. After having abdominal pains on and off all day yesterday, I developed a sudden fever (100.4 degrees Fahrenheit) at about 9PM and decided it was time to go to the ER. I was lightheaded, nauseous, and still had sharp pains from time to time in my upper abdomen (some were so bad I had to do my breathing to get through them). I had Brian bring me up to the ER and had him stay home with Maggie. After waiting FOREVER to get into a room, they decided to do blood tests and a urinalysis. By this time, the pain was mostly gone (just a dull ache) but the fever was plaguing me. I waited on the very uncomfy bed (more like a table with a minimal cushion on top) across from the noisy nurses' station. I missed Maggie terribly, too - even though she would have been asleep by then anyway. The doctor came in at one point to say that what they got back so far from my labs was fine but it sounded like it could be the gallbladder so he wanted me to have an ultrasound done. Since it was now about 2AM I had to wait it out until the ultrasound techs came in in the morning. I tried my best to sleep but it was horrible sleeping conditions. When I awoke at 5:15AM, I asked if I could call Brian. As I expected, he was awake feeding Maggie. He was concerned but I had no further news at that time. They took my temp again and it was back up from 37 degrees Celsius (about 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit) to 38.7 degrees Celsius (101.66 degrees Fahrenheit). More Tylenol. Then I went off for my abdominal ultrasound. It was nowhere near as exciting as ultrasounds when you're pregnant, that's for sure! Then back to my room to wait for them to rediscover me hours later. I was getting pretty cranky at this point. Last night, a little kid had been screaming in the halls that he wanted to go home...I was on the verge of that. Eventually, the new shift doctor came in and we re-hashed everything. Apparently, they didn't find anything abnormal in the bloodwork, urinalysis, or ultrasound. He felt my belly and said it felt normal. So I was discharged... No idea why it happened, and no real instructions other than to call or return if it got worse. I hate our local hospital.

I'm relieved that it's nothing serious. Because they would have found *something* if it was, right? I'll just have to take it easy and hope for the best... I certainly don't want to end up back there, after all!

Disappointed

I thought I had found the perfect solution to my daycare dilemma. A member of Fertility Friend had mentioned that she had the same concerns...and it ended up that her husband stayed home with their child. She was comforted by the thought that their child was with the only other person who cared as much as she did. Sounds like a great idea, right? After all...Brian had joked for years about how, when we finally had kids, he wanted to stay home with them and I would work. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! However, sharing my plan didn't go as well as anticipated. I believe the response I received was, "you expect me to give up my career to stay home with her?" with a look of incredulity on his face. That was the end of the discussion in my eyes. If he even had to think about it, it wasn't meant to be. I'd prefer she go to daycare (even with the concerns about the divided attention she will receive, as well as her spending 95% of her waking moments with people other than me) than stay home with a father who may grow to resent her for keeping him from doing what he really wants to do. Brian got angry that I ended the discussion right away. I was upset that he didn't jump at the opportunity. I guess I can't understand why he wouldn't. He can't understand why I want to make things more difficult financially. Forget the fact that daycare went up another $9 before she even started... So now I have to bust my butt to pay someone else $219/week to spend all the wonderful waking moments with my daughter, while I get to spend 2-3 hours of her waking time a day with her. That's it. How is that right?

I'm not too happy right now....

Just As Predicted... [UPDATED]

1) Maggie did not sleep through the night last night. The previous 2 nights must have been a fluke. We were back to waking up around 3:30AM and then 7AM. At least I knew to expect it...

2) I don't want to return to work. I took a class in college called Career Directions because I had no idea what I wanted to do. The end result? We found that "career" would never be my highest priority...that family was. Can't say I was surprised.

Everyone predicted when I went out on maternity leave that I wouldn't want to return. I didn't argue with them, but I knew I would have to because we NEED the money. Now that I'm getting closer to my return to work date, though, I'm getting more frantic. I'm sure the people at the daycare she will attend are more than capable, but I can't stand the thought of her spending her day with anyone other than me. I haven't even allowed *anyone* to watch her yet, not even her grandparents or aunts. Yet, I'm supposed to leave her in the care of strangers all day for 5 days a week! I can't stand it! The problem? We have too many bills for me to not work at all. So I have to find a night job that would be acceptable to me (I'll admit, I'm pretty picky) and would enable me to earn enough money to pay the bills (at least $200 after taxes, since that's about what I'd be left with after paying for daycare anyway). Not an easy task, especially since at my current job, I get paid well above the average wage in this area. And I carry our insurance, so Brian would have to start paying for that through his employer...which it costs more and their health insurance isn't as good. I wouldn't even be able to see my endocrinologist anymore on his plan. On top of that, my job is incredibly stable. I'm more than half way up the seniority ladder, and am the most senior person in the office (aside from my boss). I would have to screw up really badly, and several times at that, in order to lose my job. Brian's father already had a talk with him about how if anyone should be looking for a job on a different shift, it should be him since his job isn't as secure.

In spite of the logical reasons to stay, I don't want to! I want to spend my days with her! Brian gave me a hard time when I shared this with him this morning. He teased me, saying "What will you do when it's time for her to go to school? Keep her home?!" Ironically, I used to insist that I would home school our children, so what he said is not that far off. But I told him that by then, she'd be past this early formative period and I'd be fine with her going to school. More so than giving her up now, anyway.

So what's a girl to do? I have to return to my job regardless. Otherwise, I have to repay them for the insurance premiums they paid while I was out. I don't have any specifics, but I'm sure it would be in the thousands. I could go back for a week and then give my 2 weeks' notice. I am entitled to another 4 weeks of sick time, plus 2 days of personal time, and the pension money I've been accumulating for the last 7 years. That should buy me some time to find another job. However, that would require Maggie to attend daycare for 3 weeks... Not a situation I'm fond of at all. But if I were to quit, I couldn't leave any sooner. It would be totally irresponsible.

I'm so conflicted. I wish I could come to a resolution on this since it's been weighing heavily on my mind... I had a hard time falling asleep last night because it was all I could think about.

EDITED TO ADD: I reviewed the medical insurance info from Brian's employer this evening. Since I currently carry our insurance, we would have to switch to his if I quit. However, while I pay $48/month for our insurance (which is fantastic!), he would have to pay $240/month for a less-than-stellar plan. The co-pays are higher, we'd have to pay 10% after the co-pay since they only pay 90%, my endocrinologist is considered out of network... The list goes on and on. I can't quit!! Not unless I can find a job that offers equal or better insurance, which is highly unlikely for a job that would start at 6PM (the time I'd like to start). :( I'm not fond of my job to begin with...but now that I know I am trapped there, I am REALLY dreading the return now. I suppose I should have looked into this sooner, but I always assumed I would just quit eventually and find a night job. I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to. Now it's what will be keeping me from my child... I hate that!