What's Been Going On

(Is that even proper English?)

It seems I just haven't had the time to get on here and update lately. After getting home from work, we still have to feed Maggie twice, play with her, make dinner, do the dishes (or at least, wash the bottles), do laundry...and then, I'll have run out of time because it's time for bed. The cycle starts all over again the next day. It's not a cycle of which I'm fond, however, it's the cycle with which I am stuck currently.

My father called on Wednesday to say he was thinking about us. He asked me once again if it was really worth it for me to work. And, as I told him many times before, I had to explain to him that we cannot afford for me to NOT work. I told him that I had just applied for another night job, this one at St. Francis Hospital in Hartford. However, it's about an hour's drive from our house. He didn't seem to think it was worth the drive. But it's not like you can raise a family on minimum wage, which is all that's available around here for night jobs.

We did have a pleasant surprise on Wednesday, though. A co-worker in the City Clerk's Office called me down to let me know her daughter-in-law and grandson were there visiting. I had spoken with her DIL a few times while I was pregnant as she was due only a few months before I was. I really liked her, although she was "different" (some would use the terms "granola" or "crunchy" to describe her). Once she found out that Maggie was in daycare while I was at work, she immediately volunteered to watch her a few days a week. They have an elderly dog that needs to be put down, so she would have to do that first. But she was very willing, mentioning her offer several times in our conversation. She used to be a nanny and is very much into attachment parenting (her 5-month-old son was in a sling during our entire conversation, if that's any indication), so I have no doubt she would be an excellent child care provider for Margaret. However, she did mention that she used to earn $14/hr as a nanny, so I have no idea if we can afford her help. We were discussing the part-time rate at the daycare center ($50/day) and that's how her previous wages came into the conversation, but she did say she wouldn't charge that much. In any case, I plan on calling her this week to set up a time to sit down together and talk this through seriously, as well as to have her meet Margaret and have Margaret meet her son. It won't save us any money, most likely, but at least she'd get more one-on-one care for a few days a week. Depending on the days she's willing to take, I may also be able to have my aunt watch her on Mondays, leaving me with only 1 or 2 days a week that I'd have to send Margaret to daycare. I felt so much better after talking with her, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up since we haven't discussed any details yet.

Last night was my father-in-law's "Thanksgiving in August" dinner at the Avon Old Farms Inn. He always spends Thanksgivings with his brother in the Adirondacks, so it's not totally out of the question that he would do something like this. It's also not the first time he's thrown a party just to throw a party. But he felt that there were so many wonderful things that happened in our family during the last year that it was worth celebrating. So we got together, celebrating new jobs, new additions to the family, and new relationships. Maggie was passed among us as we had forgotten to bring her infant carrier since she now rides in her infant-toddler convertible carseat. Brian and I do not have fancy palates, so celebrations like this are usually challenging for us since there is usually little on the menu that appeals to us. As expected, the only thing appealing was the prime rib, something I don't usually eat because of how fatty the meat is. It was delicious, however somewhat humiliating since my mother-in-law ended up cutting up my meat for me so I could eat while holding a sleeping Margaret. I'm sure the people working there thought it was strange that we would bring a baby along to a fancy restaurant, but she was invited and a guest of honor. There was no way we could have left her behind! And I'm glad I didn't have to!

Here I sit, dreading Monday's arrival. Once again, I will have to kiss my baby goodbye and spend my day as a prisoner of the office. I'll spend the day wondering if she's doing well, if they left her in the swing all day (we've found her in the swing several more times when visiting or picking Margaret up, which is really getting on my nerves!) or if she's screaming in discomfort or unhappiness. But the thing that I hate most is that, when I really settle in and get into the groove at work, it becomes too easy to almost forget that I even have a baby. Does that make sense? Has this happened to anyone else? It's too much like "business as usual" and so much of a reflex when I'm at work that, in her absense, as well as the lack of the home routine, it's too easy to fall back into my "old" life in which I was not a mom. And I HATE that. I don't want to "forget" that she exists, I want her with me during every moment of my day. I don't want to be conversing with adults, I want to talk babytalk with her. And I certainly don't want to deal with unhappy taxpayers. I'll take Maggie's screaming fits and poopy diapers any day over that! But I have to... Otherwise, there will be no food for Maggie or us...no roof over our heads...no clothes on our backs...no heat or air conditioning...no electricity. I take in half of our income and we need every penny of it. Until I can find something at night at which I can take home at least as much as I'm left with now after paying for daycare, I'm stuck being a reluctant secretary working full-time both in and out of the home. I feel like whining "It's not fair!!!" but then I remember the response my mom always gave me..."Life isn't fair." How true.