Never Turns Out The Way You Planned...

Plans are changing again...

My parents' relationship is problematic right now. In retrospect, it probably wasn't a wise move to even consider moving in with them anyway. But I had hoped it would change. And in a way, it was like selling my soul to the devil (if I believed in such a thing). I wanted a way out of my job so I could stay home with Margaret, and that way was what presented itself. I should have known better.

What's taking even more courage, though, is that I am continuing with the plan to quit my job at the end of September. Except now, the money I'll be making as a Tastefully Simple consultant will be necessary instead of ancillary. That's scary. I'll have to work for my wages instead of just showing up every day and collecting a paycheck.

We're also considering our options in changing our living arrangements. Where we live now just isn't working for us. We may be able to buy a condo, but single family homes are priced outside of our range right now. But if we're going to TTC, we probably should wait to buy. If we have a girl, a 2 bedroom condo will be sufficient. If we have a boy, we're going to have to figure something else out as 3 bedroom condos are outside of our range. And while we could make a 2 bedroom work for a short while, I don't want to get into a situation that we would have to sell in a few years. Condos are long-term investments around here. We're on the verge of the market falling and condos are the first to drop - and when they drop, they DROP hard and fast. Therefore it has to be something we're willing to live in for a long while.

So once again, there's a lot going on and a million ideas going through my head every minute.

My poor head. That's another issue. I've been having migraines for about a week and a half now. Normally, I'll get 1 or 2 right before Aunt Flo arrives. But this is just ridiculous. I can't function. I can't concentrate. And I don't know why it's happening. It could be withdrawals from BCP since it's now been 1 week since I should have started a new pack. It could be stress. It could be anything. I hate taking medicine, but I've been forced to take Excedrin Migraine a few times now in order to get through the day. Like today. Then I worry if that's the right thing to do because...

...my cycle is doing something funky. Yes, it's the first cycle off of BCPs. Yes, we weren't trying yet. We didn't prevent, but the last BD day was supposed to be 6 days from O. But my temp shot up this morning. And it's only CD 11. Fluke? Could be. Ever since I started temping again, my sleep has been terrible. It's like Santa Claus Syndrome. I wake up frequently because I can't wait to temp. I have no control over myself...it just keeps on happening. But today's temp was definitely in the Post-O range so I'm a little freaked. If I already O'd, the last BD day was on CD 8, close enough to conceive. And while I really want to be pregnant, Brian isn't ready yet. All I can do at this point is wait and see...

Great Endo Appointment!

Today was my annual endocrinologist appointment and I must say, it went very well! They weighed me in at 193 with clothes and shoes on, and I weighed myself at 192.6 this morning, so it got off to a great start (you know, considering doctor's scales usually like to say you're 5 lbs heavier than you thought).

My endo was thrilled with my numbers on my labs and the fact that I've been losing weight. He seemed surprised that all I was doing was cutting calories and exercising more. I did tell him that I was eating fast food probably 4 times a week when I last saw him, though, and cutting that out would make a huge difference. My cholesterol levels came down so much he was sure I was on Lipitor or some other cholesterol drug. He said I will not have to go on Lipitor (if you recall, when I saw him last year my cholesterol was high and he told me he didn't want me waiting more than 2 years to get pregnant again as he wanted me on Lipitor - this is a HUGE relief!!!).

So, here are the numbers. The first # is from last year (7/21/2005) and the second # is from this year (7/13/2006):

Cholesterol (desirable: <200/high: >/= 240): 247 ~ 163
Triglycerides (normal: <150/high: 200-499): 255 ~ 148
HDL (>/=60 is Low Risk Factor/<40 is Major Risk Factor): 43 ~ 43
LDL (optimal: <100/Borderline High: 130-159): 153 ~ 90

I was absolutely thrilled! Even though I don't see a physical difference in me, it's obvious now that my overall health is being affected by the healthier lifestyle.

Alkaline Phosphatase (50-136): 137 ~ 61
Not sure what that one is, but it came down a lot, too.

Here's an interesting one:
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (8-112): 54 ~ 288
Even though that's high, he said it was a good thing because it's keeping me from having any free testosterone (yes, that was zero, which is excellent when you have PCOS). He said because of this, it should be easy to get pregnant. His exact words were that I should be able to get pregnant "like, tomorrow".

That, of course, tempts me even more....

He said that he doesn't think the migraines, hot flashes, and ill feeling I've been having for the last several days are withdrawals from BCP. Since yesterday was supposed to be the 1st day of a new pack, it's too soon for that to be the cause. Anyway, his first response was "Are you pregnant?" Not possible... BD timing was off by a week from when I would have ovulated, had I ovulated, and besides...I've been bleeding for 5 days now!

In any case, I go back in 3 months and he ordered a pregnancy test as part of that bloodwork and expects it to come back positive. :D

He really is such a great doctor! He told me to keep up with whatever I'm doing because I'm doing a great job.

It was just the motivation I needed. I came home and went for a great walk with Maggie and Becky and burned 389 calories.

Stupid Scales

As of yesterday morning, with only 1 week to go to my 1st big weight loss goal, I found myself only 1.4 lbs away from my goal. Then we bought a new scale. Now I'm 2.6 lbs away. Stupid scale. And who knows how long it's been wrong... but now I've only lost 26 lbs instead of the 27 lbs I thought I lost. And a much bigger loss needed for the next week to get to my goal.

Then...another 15 lbs to lose so we can start TTC. I don't want to wait, but I really should anyway. Need some time to get the BCP hormones out of my system. And I want to get some more distance between me and the 200 lb mark. I NEVER want to go over 200 lbs again, not even due to pregnancy.

Thanks for all your help with thoughts on which company I should consult for. I've decided to go with Tastefully Simple. It helps that my friend would be my sponsor instead of a complete stranger. We're planning on having my Launch Off party in 3 weeks when I'll officially start being a consultant. That will give me some time to get a little more comfortable being a consultant before I quit my job. I'm SCARED TO DEATH of doing this. I get so nervous in front of a crowd. But it's worth it. I get to be my own boss, make my own hours, and stay home during the day with Margaret. So I'll find a way to make it work. I was terrified of going to work the 1st day of the job I have now. I almost didn't even go in that first day. But I did, and I got used to it. (Some would say "and look where it got you?"... but it has been 8 years since that first day and most people don't stay at the same job that long these days.)

Now if only they would get to work on renovating my parents' house. My parents are on vacation for the next week so no work will be done during that time. Then he's supposed to see about getting all the carpeting ripped up and hardwood floors put down throughout the house, then finishing the basement. I'm starting to think his October 1st estimate is optimistic. But I guess even if he's a few weeks late, we'll make it work. No matter what, I'm putting in my notice during September. Enough is enough.

Too True!

You HAVE to check this out! I couldn't stop laughing!

Mom-101: Too Young For Chutes and Ladders, Too Old To Just Sit There While You Drink

Biding My Time

We spoke with my father on Sunday and it looks like this is a go. He's already talking about getting the floors done (the carpet will be ripped up, hardwood floors will go down). He estimates our move-in date as October 1st. That's one month later than I had hoped, but getting any date out of him makes me feel more secure that this will happen. I've already started the countdown... 65 days until I can put in my 2 weeks' notice at work. I'm thrilled!

BTW, today is the 1 year anniversary of when my father died. Fortunately, they revived him and he has recovered well from his heart attack. It's freaky to think that in just one hour, at that time last year, I was on my way to the hospital not knowing what to expect. I'm grateful he's still alive.

I'm also looking for suggestions. I'm now considering being a home consultant/home demonstrator once I become a SAHM. But I'm not sure which company to go with. I need something that will give me a steady income of at least $150/week, after taxes (preferably, $200/week). I have a friend who is a Tastefully Simple consultant and, of course, she highly recommends going with them. The advantage is that if someone wants a party on a day I won't do it (Sundays) I can refer them to her. But I'm afraid to be around food. Gourmet food, no less, which means lots of calories and fat. I don't wear make-up, so Mary Kay and Avon would be very awkward for me. I'm just not a high maintenance chick. Anyway, any advice? Suggestions?

When Time Does Not Fly...

It looks like our plans may take longer than expected. My father still has not told my mother of his intention to have us move in. He also planned on finishing the basement during his 4 weeks of vacation (which start in 1 week), but now he's planning on going away for 2 of those weeks. My heart sunk. I know we've only had these plans for a few days, but I've already begun the countdown to when I can give my notice at work (5 weeks and 6 days, as of this moment). I don't want to go there anymore. I want to be home with Margaret. I don't know how much longer I can last beyond our plans...

We did start decluttering though. There will be a neighborhood tag sale in my parents' neighborhood next Saturday and mom said I could bring some things up. So Brian worked on cleaning the garage (looks like that will require quite a few more days) and while Maggie napped, I started going through our stuff in the basement. I look around and feel overwhelmed by everything that we need to sort through, pack, possibly store, and the rest move to my parents' house. Plus we'll (read: I'll) need to paint the rooms before we move in, clean up this place where we've been for 5 years after we move... I plan on having 2 weeks overlap when I won't be working but will be in the process of moving (and I'll keep Maggie in daycare for those 2 weeks) to make it a little easier. You never realize how much *STUFF* you have until you have to move it.

Hopefully, I'll still be moving it...

What you don't know is that we were supposed to move in with my parents 3 years ago. When we weren't too happy about being landlords anymore, my father convinced me to sell the house and move in with them to save money. We put the house on the market, sold it... and then my sister's boyfriend moved in. Even though my dad threatened to kick him out, in the end, he stayed. As my mother put it, "he's family". So much for blood relations. ::rolling eyes:: In any case, that left us homeless (in a sense) and it ruined our plans of paying off the debt at that time. That's how we ended up staying in the same apartment and renting it back from the new owner of our house.

Brian keeps telling me not to get my hopes up this time. My father has a history of being wishy-washy. But he seemed so excited that I figured that wouldn't even factor into it this time. It looks like I better prepare myself. Because I have a feeling that being stuck here, and being stuck at my crappy job, may wreak havok on my mental health if I set myself up to move/quit my job and neither happen.

Congrats To My Cousin!

One of my cousins, who has struggled with infertility for several years now and also has PCOS, is now outside of the first trimester of her first pregnancy! Woohoo!! She's due on our grandmother's birthday in January (the same grandmother from which Margaret received her middle name). It's just so wonderful to see those who have struggled with fertility to finally get what they've wanted so badly. We're all resting much easier now that she's in the 2nd tri.

Stop The World, I'm Ready To Get Off

It's been a tough last few weeks. Depression had its hold on me, wrecking all that was good. The constant rain didn't help. But it seemed like the weight of the world was coming down on me, and I just couldn't deal with it.

Work couldn't be worse. My boss, like many others, I'm sure, has taken to making my life completely miserable while I'm there. I'm babysat and constantly ridiculed or harassed in front of the rest of the staff, as well as customers. The most recent incident actually could have put my life in danger.

Daycare is making me more and more unhappy. The people are nice, but they often screw things up. They've lost some of Margaret's back-up clothes. They gave her another child's lunch one day (which can be pretty serious since she does have some sensitivities). And this is on top of the frequent (becoming even more frequent) illnesses. After having the trots only a couple of weeks ago, we were called in on Monday to pick her up because she had a fever of 102 degrees and there was a classroom-wide exposure to hand-foot-mouth disease. Great.

Finances. Nobody's ever really happy with theirs, are they? But our financial situation has become rather scary. We get by. But after everything is paid, there's no money left. Last month, I even had to charge groceries a few times.

Our living situation. I hate living where we do. The neighbors are noisy and smoke. The apartment is small. The landlord never mows the lawn so we can't even take Margaret outside. And they're doing renovations right now: repairing the front porch on our level, ripping up the retaining wall out front and replacing, painting the house, and they'll be ripping up the driveway shortly, too. I hate it.

I finally broke down, while out to get Margaret's Flovent on Monday (because the asthma has returned), and found myself driving to my parents' house, where I poured my heart out. It was so unlike me. My father has since decided that the best thing he can do for us is to have us move in with them (he even suggested doing this until Margaret is in school full time!). He's very excited about this plan, although I'm a bit worried that my mother will make our lives miserable.

Regardless, my father is ready to help us get back on our feet. He then told me he didn't think I should continue working where I am, and even said he would be fine with me being a SAHM while we live with them. Brian, however, is not fine with that plan. But I will be quitting my job when we move there, and I'll pick up a part-time night job (something that's about 6PM to midnight or so) to bridge the gaps. With the money I'll get from quitting my job, I'll be able to pay off at least 1 credit card in full, possibly 2, leaving a much more manageable debt.

So here I am, counting the days. I get to get out of this crappy house, say bye-bye to my job, and not have to worry anymore about what they may or may not be doing at daycare. And I'll get to spend my days with Margaret!!

Which, in turn, has brought about something else unexpected... Baby fever. It just started. Now it seems possible that we *can* have another. And seeing as my father is always asking when I'll be giving Margaret a brother, I have a feeling he would be pretty happy about that, too.

The future is beginning to look bright again. Is it the end of August yet?

ETA: I almost forgot!! Margaret's labs came back just fine! Hooray!!! no concerns about elevated lead levels here!