I'm Miserable Without Her

Today was worse for me than yesterday was. I hate having to do this. All I want to do is be home with my baby...

I emailed the YMCA daycare about any openings, since they're about 1 minute from where I work and between my house and work. No openings. She said she could put me on the waiting list, but what good does that do me? I want her closer NOW.

Or better yet, I want to stay home with her. :( I hate myself for getting into this situation... We should have paid off our debt enough for me to stay home before TTC. Or even better, I never should have used those credit cards in the first place. The price I have to pay is too high...

It Went Well

...for Maggie, anyway. She didn't even seem to notice that I had left her. When I dropped her off this morning, there were two little boys playing on the floor and she was far more interested in them than me. She didn't even look at me when I kissed her goodbye and left. I cried the whole way to work. Am I that easily replaced that she didn't even care that I left?

They tried to be helpful at work. I had tons of mommies telling me about the first time they left their little ones. They survived and they knew I would, too. My coworkers even gave me a welcome back card. Well, it actually said "Hugs" on it. They totally understood. They tried to keep me positive, making me laugh when they asked if I had brought in a picture of Maggie, and decided that I had set up a shrine when they saw all the pictures I had with me.

I wasn't going to call. I didn't want to be one of "those" mommies. But I did. At 10:20, nearly 2.5 hours after dropping her off, I called. They said she was doing well. She had taken a whole bottle and a little nap. No crying.

When lunch time rolled around, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. On the one hand, visiting her could disrupt her. I didn't want her to be upset by mommy coming and leaving if she was doing well. On the other hand, I didn't know what to do with myself for an hour. Unbelievable, right? Me, an adult woman, could not figure out what to do with herself when totally alone for the first time in nearly 10 weeks. And I couldn't bear the thought of being alone when I knew I could see her. So I dropped by. She was in the swing (you know, the thing she can't stand at home). They had on a CD of children's songs and she was looking around the room. content as could be. I kneeled down to get on her level and was rewarded with a smile. Apparently, she had been happy and smiley all day (it was nearly 1:30 at this point). The head teacher did say it took her about 45 minutes to get Maggie to drink all of her bottle, but that's pretty normal. She also said they had a hard time getting her to nap in the crib. As soon as she'd be put down in the crib, she'd wake right up. She does that at home for naps, too. So the head teacher had rocked her in the glider for a bit and she smiled away until she fell asleep. She said that Maggie was doing so well for a first-timer. I left her again after 15 minutes.

Once again, I was plagued with thoughts about how easily I was replaced... how she didn't seem to miss me at all. That's great for her that she's adjusting so well, but it broke my heart that she didn't cry at all. Am I insane? I certainly sound it... Who would want their child to cry?

Brian called me later and tried to reassure me that I was not replaced and that she did in fact miss me. That she does know who I am as I am pretty much the only person she's been with for all of her life. It was nice to hear it, but I wasn't convinced.

When I picked her up, she was asleep in the swing. (I hope she didn't spend the bulk of her day in the swing!) Once again, I was told that she did so well. I got her home and guess what? She started crying! So then I started to wonder what was so magical about them that she didn't cry all day, but she cried for me shortly after picking her up. Granted, it didn't last long and she was smiling shortly thereafter. But it still hurt.

Day 1 down...

I'm Leaving Her

Tomorrow.

I feel like such a slime. Worse than that. But I have no choice.

I did look at "just one more" daycare center on Friday. It was $185/week and the same distance from our house as the center we selected in April. I was not pleased. It was utter chaos as soon as I walked through the door. The first thing I noticed: a television set up with an X-box. Yes, we're years away from her using it, but it tells a lot about the focus of the child care provider. The staff were friendly, but it seemed like they couldn't keep up with the children in their care. I knew it wasn't the place for us almost immediately. But I went on with the tour, discovering that they were also not licensed for administering medication of any kind. That's a problem as Maggie must have gas drops with every feeding for her gas issues. The infant room was also rather cramped. They didn't have enough porta-cribs to go around, so there were even a couple plastic cots on the floor in the tiny space. I thanked them and was on my way, resigned to the fact that she would be going to the original center.

One thing stood out in my mind after the tour. There was a baby boy in the infant room that cried the whole time I was there. He was hoarse from having cried all day. It was his first day and it was 11:30AM when I was there. It broke my heart. Then it broke my heart all over again when I thought about how that could be Maggie come Monday. I will miss her fiercely and deep down inside, I want her to miss me, too...but I don't want her to be miserable. She would almost be better off if she didn't even realize I was gone. And how sad is that to come to a realization like that?

So I've packed her things and we're as ready to go as we'll ever be. Over and over again, the administrator assured me that I could call as many times as I wanted to check up on her. I was also reminded that I could come in and check on her. They really are great people over there. But then I wonder if going in to see her will make it worse for me. I originally planned on spending my lunches with her...but leaving her twice in one day may be my undoing. I'm not even sure calling would be good for me. It may make me obsess and worry more than if I just immersed myself in my work and got through the day as quickly as possible.

I'm so miserable...

No Such Luck

The family daycare did NOT work out. I wasn't too fond of the lady from the get-go, but I figured it was only fair to give her a chance. As we went through my questions, I found that she and I differ greatly in our child rearing philosophies. A big difference was the fact that, when the weather is inclement, the children are left in front of the TV all day to amuse themselves. She assured me this was no different than home. When I explained to her that one of our pediatrician's few rules was no TV under the age of 2, she looked at me like I was crazy. She then proceeded to ask who the pediatrician was and when I told her his name, she waved him off, stating she knows some parents who don't like him. And besides, most of the children she watch go to other doctors. I mentioned to her that there are studies out there linking early television watching to ADD and ADHD, but I didn't feel like arguing. I could tell she was not exactly a "hands on" provider. I noticed during our interview that her kitchen TV was on an emergency room show. I asked her if she stayed out with the children when they play (they were all outside during the interview, as were we) and she assured me that she did, but her kitchen TV made me think otherwise. And when I asked about being able to visit my child during the day, she made a face and told me that she didn't think it was a good idea. That it would disrupt the other children. That I could call first and set up a time to come, as long as it wasn't too hectic. ... ... ... That was the biggest problem I had with her. Any provider who requires you to set up an appointment to see your own child sounds like one who has something to hide. It may only be neglect, but that's still something I do not want my child exposed to.

So, with a lack of time to further investigate and essentially nobody left to turn to, I went to the daycare center we signed Maggie up for back in April and handed in her medical paperwork. I give up. The up side is that the director and assistant director were INCREDIBLY friendly and understanding. They reiterated that I can call as many times as I want to check up on her and come in and see her, too. I met with her teacher-to-be and found her reading to a child in the room. 3 others were in their cribs napping, and a few were on the floor playing. The other teacher was on break. None of the children in the room were immobile like Maggie, although I do recall that there is another young baby that's supposed to be starting daycare there around the same time.

It's not ideal money-wise but at least they have a curriculum. I don't have to worry about Maggie being left alone outside at a house on a busy street (there was no fence at that family daycare either, BTW, and they were on a major highway). I don't have to worry about her being babysat by a TV. Or threatened (a whole other story but I got the vibe that those children who were there were threatened to be on their best behavior with the way she kept reminding them of "their little conversation" earlier that morning). I'll just have to get used to being broke, that's all... But at least she'll have excellent care.

Woohoo! My Luck May Have Changed!

As a last ditch effort, I started calling home daycares (aka family daycares) on the other side of town. I figured it would be worth the extra 5 or 10 minutes in driving to a) have Maggie get more one-on-one care and b) save money. I called 4 home daycares today. The first is full for at least the next year. The next one wouldn't have an opening until February 14th. The third never answered the phone. The fourth asked me the age of the child and what hours I would need care for. Then she asked if she could call me back. This was at 10:29AM. I waited and waited and waited, losing hope with every passing minute. At a little after 5PM, I heard back from her (which makes sense since her daycare is open until 5PM). She said she thought she could take her as long as a little bit of overlap was okay with me. Technically, home daycares are only supposed to have 2 infants for every licensed adult. She currently has a 1 year old and a 3 year old with Down's Syndrome that are there full time. Then she will have 1 or 2 kids that are before or after school and a 4 month old starting next month (the sibling of the child with Down's Syndrome) that will be there from 2:30PM on. Maggie would need to be at daycare from 8AM to 4:30PM Monday through Wednesday, 8AM to either 3:30PM if my Mom picks her up, or 5PM if Brian picks her up, on Thursdays, and 8AM to 1PM on Fridays. The woman also mentioned that she has 2 teenage daughters who are there in the afternoon and help out (my aunt ran a family daycare and also had extra help from her teenage daughter in the afternoons and summers). Considering the overlap is a negligable amount of time, and that there would still be less infants to adults than there would be at a daycare center, I have no problem with this. I will be meeting with her tomorrow morning. Here's hoping it goes well! The woman has been doing this for 13 years now and has an Associate's degree in Early Childhood Development, which is more credentials than most in the field here have. She also charges $4.25 an hour, which would equal out to about $50 less per week than the center we were supposed to send Maggie to. Plus, there's the potential of part-time care so that, if my aunt truly was serious about watching her on Mondays, we could do that and not have to worry about still paying full time charges.

Wish me luck!! I'm really hoping this goes well!!!!

Big Piggy!

Margaret had her 2-month doctor's appointment yesterday. I knew she had grown, but I had no idea how much! She is now 15 pounds 2 ounces!! She's also 24 inches long. In the 2 months since she was born, she's gained 6 pounds and 3.5 inches! Yowsers! Her doctor was not concerned as she is gaining weight all over and has shown consistent growth like this. I asked about over-feeding and was told that's just not possible at this time...that if she is tolerating it and not spitting it up, then she will tell me how much food she needs and I should give it to her. She's been taking 33-35 ounces of formula a day, which I read on the boards on Fertility Friend that some doctors were saying they don't recommend more than 32 ounces in a day. But as long as Margaret's doctor feels everything is as it should be, I guess I won't be concerned. She's just going to be a big girl!

I Wish...

...I had the time to clean up around here. I mean *REALLY* clean. I realized today that I don't remember when I last mopped the floors. Or vacuumed them, for that matter. Not that vacuuming them makes a huge difference since our crummy vacuum just throws the dirt around anyway.

...I had the time to do it the Fly Lady way. But I don't. Whenever I start something, Maggie decides she wants to be held or changed or fed and so on and so forth. We had a bit of a crisis this morning because she wouldn't let me clean the bottles. I was just too tired last night after my sister's shower and vowed to wash them this morning...but that was an ordeal since Maggie refused to nap! How the heck am I supposed to get anything done when she'll only sleep for a half hour or so? I'm lucky I get the dishes and the laundry done...anything else is on an "as I get to it" basis, which obviously isn't often.

...I could just hire somebody to clean all the big stuff. I'm so far behind that it's totally overwhelming. I did manage to sweep and Swiffer "mop" (using the wet pads with the regular old Swiffer) the kitchen. It's a start, right? I also washed all of Becky's toys (our dog), as well as her bed. And the blankets in the living room because they were starting to smell like dog. And finally, 8 of the 11 dirty bottles. And a few dishes. But that's it. There simply wasn't enough time and I was just too tired first thing this morning to get to it since Maggie insisted on waking up at 3:30am to feed and wouldn't go back to sleep. I really just need someone to catch me up again so I can maintain, honest!

...I had more than 6 days of maternity leave left...and it's almost only 5 days. If I'm this far behind now, how will I manage when I'm at work all day? It's almost enough to give a girl a panic attack.

...Margaret would go back to her old sleep schedule. She was doing great for about 2 weeks. Sleeping 7 hours straight and not waking until 5am or later. In the last few days, she started waking earlier and earlier again, sleeping only about 5 hours tops. We were doing so well!! I wouldn't be as upset if she was doing this all along, but I know she can sleep better than this, so it makes it really frustrating. Today, out of desperation, I even tried a bit of a CIO (cry it out) thing with her just to get her to take a nap that was longer than 30 minutes. It did work, and it only took two 4 minute stretches of crying for the first nap...but it was not fun for either of us. We also tried this with putting her down for her last nap of the day. It took three 4 minute stretches this time (2 of them Brian took...he was quite irritated that I got her to sleep on my first try, but it was pure luck IMHO). On the up side, when I put her down in her crib for the night she popped awake again. I was expecting the waterworks after that, but I got nothing but coos and smiles. I guess our exercises in lengthening naps this afternoon helped her tonight because I've never been able to put her down for sleep while she was awake before. But I'm sure that won't last either.

... ... ... Well, I won't go into the obvious again. We all know what my big wish is right now. I kept complaining to Brian tonight that I don't want to go back to work, but he kept saying, "Too bad. You have to." He's right but it still sucks. He has told me before that he wonders why I want to stay home if I end up getting frazzled sometimes by how cranky she gets during the day. He's right, it doesn't make sense. But deep down inside, I think it's the fact that I *know* her and nobody else knows her the way I do. I know how to deal with her, what her different cries mean, what her sort-of schedule is (that is nearly impossible to explain), and how to calm her down. Even Brian doesn't know her the way I do, and I know it frustrates him when he sees evidence of that. So how can I possibly expect a stranger to take care of her if it took me 8 weeks to get to know her? I don't want her to have to go through that process with anyone else. She's mine and I don't want to share her! I want to be the one who has that secret magic key to all her troubles, the one that she looks for in a crowded room (something she did at my sister's shower when they were passing her along... she followed me with her eyes all over the room). I don't want anyone else to get that priviledge. Call me selfish, but that's the way I feel. And as crazy as she can make me at times, it's worth it. I may not get much done around the house, but I do get a feeling of accomplishment when I see her smile at me and know that I'm meeting her needs, at least. Nothing can beat that feeling. Nothing.

So do I go wish on the stars? Is there any chance that will help? Maybe I need a Fairy Godmother to come along and wave her magic wand? Bippity, boppity, boo! Whatever I need to make my wishes come true, please send it my way! I could really use that right now!