Nothing But The Best

All mommies want nothing but the best for their children. We don't want them to suffer, we want them to be brilliant, well-liked, and grow into wonderful human beings. To give them the world on a platter, even if we're not able.

I've been looking into Montessori schools lately. I'm not happy with the way the public school system works, especially since the introduction of "No Child Left Behind." I never believed standardized tests were an indicator of the intelligence of a person, so the new increased emphasis on them (and the transition to essentially teaching the test) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I used to want to homeschool, but we can't afford to have me stay home. Besides, we all know how well I've done lately with being home all the time - I'm just not cut out to be a SAHM. So that leaves private schools.

I had heard the term "Montessori" many times in the past, but never really understood the philosophy. Even now, I'm only just starting to understand it. But I do like the emphasis on child-led learning, that the child is allowed to explore and learn at his own pace and the teacher is more of a guide than THE authority figure, doling out the rules and punishments.

Fortunately, there are a few Montessori schools in the area. And I'm finding that the tuition isn't that much more than what we pay for daycare anyway, even including the before and after school care. Brian is sort of on board. He's known about my dissatisfaction with the public school system since we met over ten years ago. But it's a money issue. $20 more per week doesn't seem like much right now, but we were originally planning on TTC again this summer. Another baby means less money... And less money means less opportunities.

That's the hardest part for me. I was the eldest of 4 in my family, and each of us is 4 years apart from the next. I saw the impact each child had on the family's finances, as well as the opportunities for each of us. And it's something that is on my mind frequently now that I'm a mommy and considering having another. On the one hand, if we give her a sibling soon, she won't know the difference. Won't know what she's missing out on (unlike my experience). On the other hand, I don't want to give up those opportunities. I want her to have the best, especially when it comes to education. Because in the end, that's all you have that no one can take away from you.

The school that I'm researching starts the students at 18 months for the first cycle (Montessori teaching is in 3 year cycles). Which means, I have to make a decision soon if I want her to go because she would have to start in the fall when the new school year begins. And if we start her, we'd be commiting to a full cycle (which in her case, would be until 3 years of age for the first cycle).

What to do?

In other news, I'm feeling a little better emotionally right now. Brian took over and watched Margaret all day while I rested. My sinus infection took a turn for the worse and I spent most of the day in bed with a debilitating headache and feeling sick to my stomach. But the rest did me some good (although it has thrown my sleep schedule off, if you couldn't tell by the posting time). I'm feeling a little more like me again. :)

It's All Falling Apart

Call me selfish, but this is the last thing I needed right now. Brian and I still are having issues, due to his total lack of understanding of where I'm coming from... And now, a group of my friends (sistas, if you will) has basically fallen entirely apart. I'm just not at my full mental capacity to be dealing with this right now... I guess I'm an awful friend, on top of everything else.

Yesterday, my mom watched Margaret for the first time so I could go to the Walk-In clinic. It turns out that I have a sinus infection. I asked if she would put me on the Z-pack (5 pills over 5 days instead of the usual 20 pills over 10 days) and she offered me one better than that. I ended up taking this "new" Zithromax antibiotic that is one dose. You drink a bottle of this stuff (and it has to be consumed practically immediately from when the pharmacist mixes it) and that's it...no worries about any more doses over the course of the infection. Yes, it was chalky and nasty tasting. But at least I won't be forgetting any pills. She also put me on Advair, however, because of my asthma. That I have to do twice a day for a month... Won't be easy to remember, but I better do it. I'm prone to bronchitis and the last thing I need right now is for my sinus infection to turn into that.

Today, Margaret spent the morning with my MIL so I could go get waxed. You read that right. MIL and my SsIL gave me a spa gift certificate for my birthday in October. I originally inteded to use this for a massage, but once I learned we were going to Antigua, I changed my mind and figured I'd get a half leg and bikini wax. Why bother with shaving if I don't need to, right? YEOUCH! Nothing like having your short curlies yanked out from such a delicate and sensitive area. And for some reason, one leg hurt more than the other (and no, it wasn't the first leg!). One hour later, she was done.

I don't think I'll ever do that again. Waxing the eyebrows is about as much pain as I'll submit myself to regularly. But it was interesting. And oddly, therapeutic. I couldn't think about anything else but what was going on right then and there. Very Zen, living in the moment like that. And physical pain can sometimes make me externalize my internal (mental) pain. Sort of like when I got my tattoo after my miscarriage.

Upon my return, I learned that Margaret was a happy and curious babe while I was gone. But what does she do? Practially immediately from when we arrived back at home, the crankiness returned. ((SIGH)) I'm having such a hard time handling that right now... And Brian wasn't all that understanding. I ended up leaving her in his care and going for a drive for a couple hours. I needed to clear my head.

I hope things will improve soon... It can't keep getting worse, can it?

Black Cloud

I should be ecstatic. Margaret crawls well, is pulling to stand on everything with high efficiency, and has even started the beginning stages of cruising. She's growing up...

But instead, I'm getting burned out. Maybe it's all the illnesses (she was sent home yesterday with Pink Eye, and now I have a sore throat, headache, earache, and post-nasal drip - AGAIN) but I'm just not handling things all that well right now. I dread staying home with Maggie all day because of how demanding she is. I never can pee when the need arrises, And she cries a lot. Some of it comes from falling when she's trying to stand. But a lot of it is plain crankiness. And it's making me cranky and depressed.

I want to run away.... And be all by myself.

I'm hoping that we will be offered a lot of help while in Antigua next week. I need a break. And if I don't get it, I'm afraid of what it will do to my mental health. Is it possible to suffer PPD 8 months after the baby is born? Or is it just general, temporary depression? I don't know... Doesn't matter. I couldn't afford to see a psychiatrist even if I needed to. And with Maggie's Pulmicort totalling over $300/month, I definitely can't afford any more meds.

I need a break....Please!