Secretly Hoping

I must be crazy. In spite of the fact that my baby girl is only 6.5 months old, I caught the baby fever a couple of months ago and have been quite eager to start trying for child number 2. I don't know if it's that I miss the whole TTC craze, the roller coaster of emotions, having a purpose and a goal at the end, or just the fact that Margaret is growing way too fast and she just doesn't seem like a baby anymore. Brian nixed that idea pretty quickly, though, claiming that not only are we not financially ready (which he's right), he thinks it would be way too difficult to have two children so close in age. He ended up compromising and agreeing that we could start trying again in the Summer of 2006, but would prefer to wait longer.

I've been on Yasmin since my 6 week post-partum checkup. Well, sort of. My brain just isn't what it used to be, and I admit that I haven't been entirely great at remembering to take it. To be fair, I did tell Brian this before and asked him to take some responsibility for his fun and make sure that I remember to take the pills.

Well, the inevitable happened. I forgot to take a pill around cycle day 14. We "did the deed" before I noticed, too. But considering it was unlikely to result in anything, I didn't think much more of it right away.

Then the symptoms started. Nausea and hot flashes. Then the backaches. And finally, very light spotting on Sunday, which would have been prime time for implantation. The ole witch is due tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself and I tested yesterday with a Dollar Tree test. N E G A T I V E. Not even close to being a faint positive in disguise. I was crushed. Brian was relieved. Which made me even more sad. I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable arrival of Aunt Flo.

But the nausea and hot flashes plagued me again today. Against my better judgement, I tested again today. Another negative. Why do I keep torturing myself?

.......

The light at the end of the tunnel? Brian seems to realize how badly I want to try again. And he did say he was a bit sad that I'm not. In spite of the bad timing.

I'm going off my birth control pills once I finish this pack. It may be the hormones in them that are toying with me. And I suspect they are the reason why I can't seem to shed these last 15 pregnancy pounds. At least this will give my body a chance to prepare for when we really are trying. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky before then. ;)