Random Thoughts

Last night was a key night. Do I or don't I? In the end, I did. Start a new pack of birth control pills, that is. While I suspect that they are the reason why I can't manage to shed the last 15 pregnancy pounds, I think I need to be on them right now. They really do help with my PCOS symptoms in a huge way. And since we're really not TTC right now, I really should be on them. It was an excrutiatingly difficult decision to make. But I made it. For this month, anyway.

Margaret is on the verge of crawling. She gets up on her hands and knees, but when she wants to move, she drops the knees and sort of drags or pushes her body with her arms. She moves backwards more often than frontwards, and does this funny leg kick when she wants to turn. It's cute, but it's also a bit scary. I can't believe she's this grown up already!

We had a doctor's appointment Friday because Margaret has a cough that has persisted for 4 months now. After her examination and my answers to his questions, her doctor decided that she probably has asthma. We have to give her nebulizer treatments twice a day of Pulmicort, and if she has a bad day, then we have to add Albuterol to the mix. It may be that she'll only need this in the winter, but we won't know until we're past it. And it's all my fault because I have asthma...

Ever feel like maybe you shouldn't have had kids? Like you're not "breeding stock"? I worried about that a lot when we were TTC originally. As weird as it may sound, I often thought about dog breeding and how they prefer to have only the best of the best bred for the benefit of the genetic line. Here I am, I have PCOS, asthma, severe allergies, I'm overweight, short, and probably not the best looking person. Certainly not a perfect specimen of the human species, although I'd like to think I'm pretty smart since I always did well in school. I know I probably can't pass PCOS on to the next generation since the studies indicate that it runs through the paternal line (and that's true in my own family)... But the other stuff is all possible. Am I being irresponsible by allowing that genetic code to carry down to the next generation? I love Margaret with all of my heart, and then some... But I feel guilty that she is likely to have my health problems because I wanted a child so badly that I didn't consider the burdens I would be passing down to that child. It breaks my heart knowing that I'm the cause of these problems...