Managing

SIGH. Kids can be very tiring. But I'm managing.

Since it was asked, I'll delve a little into history. We currently live in a 4-room, 700sq ft apartment (2 bedrooms). It's an apartment in a 3-family house on 0.25 acre. We used to own the house - we bought it in November 2001. In 2003, my father had this great idea that we should sell the house and move in with them to save money. We sold the house but he fell through on his end of the bargain. We've been renting from the new owner ever since.

When we bought the house, it was hard enough fitting the 2 of us in the apartment. Then Becky, our dog, came along and it got tighter. When Maggie was born, we insisted we would move soon because 3 people and 1 dog in such a small space was getting crowded. And in the summer 2006, my father once again came up with the brilliant idea that we move in with them - only this time, he said I should quit my job since I was missing my daughter's childhood. Since we were going to move in with them anyway, we started TTC. Then once again, my dad fell through on his end of the bargain. It took a lot of courage to continue TTC and quit my job, even though money became extremely tight with half the income.

So here we are, 4 of us in this tiny apartment. Maggie has a bedroom that is roughly 10x11 with a closet built into the room. She has her twin bed, changing table, tall dresser, short cabinet (for toys), and Ethan's crib all crammed into that space. Our bedroom is roughly 9x10 and we have a queen bed, bookcase, 2 tall dressers, 1 low dresser, and 2 nightstands crammed into there. Ethan has been co-sleeping with us because we didn't want him to wake Maggie at night, but now we're transitioning him to his crib as he sleeps better when I'm not so available to him.

I've been saying for the last year that once we get our tax refund this year, we'll move. But we have no money saved (it all went to paying hospital bills for Ethan's birth and my foot break) and it seems a shame to spend right away whatever we would get. So even though we're cramped, I'm thinking that we'll put into savings this year's refund (or pay off some debt, too) and wait until next year to move. Sharing a room can be good for them, right? I shared a room with my sister until I was 10 years old. We lived in an originally 5-room/later converted to 6-room apartment until there were 4 children in our family. It can be done.

The twist? Yesterday while visiting my father, he pitched his idea of us moving in again. I'm not biting this time....

Spiraling Out of Control

My life, that is.

My 8 month old has never slept well since 5 weeks of age. Lately, that has grown exponentially. I do not do well on little sleep. I do worse on none. Plus I get irritated as hell when I get slapped and beaten by an 8 month old who appears to only want to stay up all night and crank and complain about it. No real reason for it - no fever, doesn't want to nurse (other than the occasional comfort thing), just wants to be a pain in the ass. I'm not handling it well.

I'm not handling a lot of things well right now...

My Love-Hate Relationship With Food

Part of taking care of myself involves being more conscious of what I'm putting into my body. You can't expect high performance off of empty calories and junk. But I hate tracking food. It takes all the fun out of it. And to me, food (for most of my life) has been simply about enjoying the taste of it. That's why we have taste buds, isn't it?

On the other hand, when you're trying to lose weight, food takes on a whole new meaning. What's "good" and "bad"? What's "healthy" and "unhealthy"? It's a dichotomy that drives me nuts. Low fat, low sodium, low sugar....low fun.

I don't want my children to have the problems I do with food, though. I look to it for comfort when I should be looking elsewhere.

In any case, so now that I'm tracking food again, I don't even feel like eating. Which is worse. Can't I just fast-forward over the hard part and get to the part where I'm losing weight? Ugh...

Caring for All

The problem of being a SAHM is that you spend so much time taking care of everyone else that you tend to forget about caring for yourself. Or you put your needs on the back burner so that by day's end, they're still not met because you needed to get everything else done first. This is a problem I'm still having even though I've been a SAHM for over a year now, and it's only gotten worse.

Today I took some time to take a nice, long, hot shower. Like the kinds I used to take every day when I worked. Only then, I had someone to watch Mags while I was in the shower (or she was still asleep) whereas these days, the kids will wreck the house if left to their own devices for too long (and they don't nap). Amazing how something so small can make such a big difference though. I feel human again. I was in a terrible mood when I woke up (if you can call it such as I had no more than 20 minutes of consecutive sleep during the entire night, totaling probably no more than 4 or 5 hours). But now, I'm refreshed. The world doesn't seem quite so terrible.

Clearly I need to do more to take care of myself. One of the first steps is to get back on track with healthy eating habits and exercise. I'm below my pre-pregnancy weight with Maggie, but I'm still 8 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight with Ethan. And 56.8 lbs above my goal weight (yeah, I gained a lot of weight over the years, though only 34.8 lbs of that were after high school). My SIL's wedding is in July, we have another family wedding in October. I want to look good for once. I want to stop feeling like my body is in the way of enjoying life. And I vow that I will hit my goal weight before the start of the next ski season. That gives me roughly 40 weeks to lose nearly 60 lbs. Definitely realistic and I WILL do it!

The good news is that I am 36.2 lbs below my highest weight ever. :) That's progress, especially since I've had 2 kids since then.

SAD

...as in Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've never been "diagnosed" with such, but I've noticed a pattern over past winters that point to this disorder. I've had problems with depression since adolescence. I attempted suicide twice in my teens. I even thought at one point that I might be rapid-cycling bipolar (and while the therapist agreed with me, the psychiatrist did not and therefore insurance would not pay for therapy - so I stopped going). But winter is hard for me. And if I don't get good quality sleep, it's even more difficult.

Not every day sucks, but many do in subtle ways. I have little energy. I have no desire to do the basic stuff that needs to be done (laundry, dishes, caring for myself). I cycle between barely eating and binging on junk food. I have a short temper and little patience. My self-esteem has plummeted. I spend money I don't have. Lots of it. I'm ashamed at how much money I've charged up over the last few months and how this has burdened our family. It temporarily makes me feel better, but then I feel guilty not long afterwards and I start to panic at the mere thought of the bills and the fact that I can't make any headway on them (and then rationalize that since I can't pay them in full anyway, what's another few $... or hundred). And I have a partner who doesn't understand, nor does he want to. His answer to depression? "Why can't you just be happy?"

A few things have helped. Fresh air at work (even though it's dark when I'm there). Skiing (exercise). Hanging out with friends (though at the first sign of depression, I alienate myself and start avoiding my friends). Eating healthy foods (though I have no desire to when I'm in the throes of it all). And sleep... sleep being one I can't really control these days, thanks to Ethan.

Depression sucks.

Toddler Tantrums

Life with a toddler is never dull. Never.

Mags is going through a pushing and taking away phase right now. Anything her brother has, she instantly wants, and she pushes him as she snatches it and runs. This results in a lot of tears in the house (both theirs and mine).

Today I tried instituting a naughty spot. In the past, it used to be just sending her to her room until she calmed down. But I was afraid that was giving her the wrong message, so I chose the butterfly rug that's always sloshing about on the floor as a good portable naughty spot. As she was kicking and screaming from one of her recent hate-fests, I explained to her she would need to sit on the naughty spot for 2 minutes for pushing her brother over and hurting him. I figured I would need to return her to the spot a few times, but she would eventually get it. What I didn't count on is that I couldn't get her to stay on the spot at all, period. Instantly after being applied to the spot, she would roll away, kicking and screaming "no, no, no, no" over and over again in hysterics.

After 15 minutes of applying her to the spot, having her roll away, picking her up and re-applying, I gave up. Ethan kept coming over to check out what was going on, and she would continue pushing him while in this hysterical fight of wills. So I closed the door instead and told her she had to stay in her room. I couldn't get her to get on the naughty spot to begin with so why continue fighting all day. The point wasn't getting across to her, obviously.

I don't know how long, but she continued the hysterical tantrum for quite some time. I'm not one to let my kids cry, but she wasn't in need of anything other than venting. The only cure was to let her wind down on her own. Even if she sounded like she was in a torture chamber.

What is it that makes little kids get so wound up? I know there's all this stuff about them exploring the world and their place in it, testing boundaries, etc. But I never would have imagined a child could continue on for as long as she did over nothing really. The tantrum started before the punishment (she was cranky when she started pushing Ethan).

In any case, she's calmed down now. But I'm frazzled. Babies crying for something I can handle. Toddlers screaming for no good reason, I'm stumped. I'm completely at a loss.

Zen

We all need that little something that lets us just live in the moment. The head is clear and for just a little while, you're not worried about how many loads of laundry are waiting for you, or whether you paid the phone bill on time. It's your time, for you alone.

My zen is downhill skiing. It's my only escape, these days. Well, that and work (but that's a different kind of escape). My few hours with nobody else to worry about, nobody to cater to, where my body is my own and my time is mine to use as I see fit. I love it.

It's kind of ironic, actually. I was not born with athletic ability. I was never into sports in my youth (though I did waterski from about 8th grade through my senior year of high school, but that was once a week at best at my grandparents' cottage). Heck, I didn't even learn how to ski until I was 26 years old!! Still, as soon as I got over the fear of trying it, I was sucked in and I'll never look back.

Last night I had some of those beautiful few hours to myself. It was my first time out in 10 days, due to my back and shoulder injury from my fall at work. Even last night I almost didn't go due to the pain. But I popped a couple of ibuprofen and decided to give it a go. I'm glad I did. I really needed a couple of hours of selfish enjoyment.

Not long into the night, I bumped into a couple of Brian's ski buddies. I ended up sharing lift rides with them the rest of the night, as well as skiing some of the mountain with them (they're more advanced skiers so I couldn't join them entirely). I'm so used to skiing by myself these days, but it was nice to have someone to talk to during the down time.

Bliss.