SAD

...as in Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've never been "diagnosed" with such, but I've noticed a pattern over past winters that point to this disorder. I've had problems with depression since adolescence. I attempted suicide twice in my teens. I even thought at one point that I might be rapid-cycling bipolar (and while the therapist agreed with me, the psychiatrist did not and therefore insurance would not pay for therapy - so I stopped going). But winter is hard for me. And if I don't get good quality sleep, it's even more difficult.

Not every day sucks, but many do in subtle ways. I have little energy. I have no desire to do the basic stuff that needs to be done (laundry, dishes, caring for myself). I cycle between barely eating and binging on junk food. I have a short temper and little patience. My self-esteem has plummeted. I spend money I don't have. Lots of it. I'm ashamed at how much money I've charged up over the last few months and how this has burdened our family. It temporarily makes me feel better, but then I feel guilty not long afterwards and I start to panic at the mere thought of the bills and the fact that I can't make any headway on them (and then rationalize that since I can't pay them in full anyway, what's another few $... or hundred). And I have a partner who doesn't understand, nor does he want to. His answer to depression? "Why can't you just be happy?"

A few things have helped. Fresh air at work (even though it's dark when I'm there). Skiing (exercise). Hanging out with friends (though at the first sign of depression, I alienate myself and start avoiding my friends). Eating healthy foods (though I have no desire to when I'm in the throes of it all). And sleep... sleep being one I can't really control these days, thanks to Ethan.

Depression sucks.