The last month has been hell. Nursing strikes. Thrush. No sleep. Toddler tantrums. The list goes on and on... Which got me thinking...
Motherhood is the hardest job I'll ever have. And the only one I can't quit. I get no vacation days, no sick days, no personal time (no personal space!!), no pay (though hubby begs to differ, which I then add I am not paid what I'm worth), nobody to delegate to most of the time, no lunch break, and all this on 4 hrs of sleep a night. I feel like crud as it is ever since Ethan stopped sleeping well (he used to go 5 hrs-feed-3 hrs-feed-2 hrs-up for the day, now he goes no more than 2 hrs between feedings overnight). But add to it nursing strikes, general inconsolableness (is that a word?), Maggie wrecking the house and throwing tantrums, and I'm ready to stick my head in the oven. Not literally, but it really does wear on one. And when this is day in, day out, no rest... I start to think about how nice it would be to have only 1 (or no) kid and how I would get a full night of sleep, I could eat right, I could actually clean the house and keep up with the dishes... you get the idea.
I feel like a traitor thinking this way. Moms are supposed to be martyrs. We're supposed to give our all without complaint because that's what moms do. But I have to be honest, after spending 3 hrs this afternoon when I *thought* I would get a nap trying to console a screaming 3-month-old who wouldn't nurse, wouldn't sleep, and didn't want to do anything else, all I could think was "I want to quit!!!!"
But I can't. And I really don't want to. I just want my children to be happy. Happy kids=happy mommy! Unfortunately, it's not adding up to that these days.
And now I have guilt. This afternoon in an attempt to feed my child when he was screaming for it but wouldn't nurse, instead of taking 10 minutes to thaw a bottle of breastmilk, I made 3 oz of formula from the free stuff you get in the mail. I should have given it away as it's become too much temptation. 14 weeks of exclusive breastfeeding through some of the worst, and I gave in today. 3 oz of formula killed my streak. And now all I can do is think about how nice it would be to not nurse anymore as we've never had that ooey-gooey, oh-so-beautiful nursing relationship that so many others have. But we can't afford formula so I must continue... even if it drives me crazy...
Homemade Oatmeal Cream Pies
5 years ago
3 comments:
Carrie--
I stumbled upon your blog in April and have been checking in periodically because we shared the same due date. I'm not usually much of a blog-commenter but reading your post brought tears to my eyes and brought back so many memories. My older 2 kids are 21 months apart and that first year with a baby and a toddler was the hardest time of my life... by far. But, now they are 5 and 7 and I am thankful every day for their bond. They are such a duo--granted, they still fight a lot (especially after a long summer at home!) but they are incredibly close, as your kiddos will be too.
I don't know if you have ever looked into any kind of mom's group but that was really the one thing that saved me back then. I didn't have all that much in common with this particular group of moms but just having somewhere to go once or twice a week where people generally understood how I was feeling helped me immensely.
Hang in there--my baby was born May 7th and just in the past week, things have gotten a lot easier (knock on wood). It will get better and you'll look back on this time and be so proud of what you managed to do. Even if it takes an occasional bottle of formula!
Take care,
Amber
Hi Carrie,
I too follow your blog since Maggie was young (we were on the same June FF board at one time). Anyhow, I just wanted to say "hang in there". It is such a difficult time when they are little, I can only imagine with two little ones (I'll find out come november this year:)).
I also wanted to encourage like pp to look into a mom's club....I too had little in common with these women aside from being moms but seriously they have been my saving grace at times. The first one I actually was a part of and made friends I still maintain was a nursing mom's group. This particular group even brought their older children so they could play together.
Lastly, I just wanted to encourage you to keep up the great nursing you are doing. Even if you use some formula here and there (or frozen BM) it WILL get easier. There aren't instruction manuals for babies to read in regards to nursing but I promise you it will get easier. At the point you are at with my son I kept asking, "when? when? please, when?" but in retrospect it didn't matter when? just that it did eventually happen and we made it through it. I was in the same boat you were in regards to affording formula too...couldn't really afford to quit nursing but was really resenting it and my baby at times.
once again, hang in there...
Hang in there! Adding a second child is harder to adjust to than when youhave your first, I think. My kids are 14 months apart and are now 3 & 4. It is hard the first few months, but it does get easier.
As for the breastfeeding, don't feel guilty about giving formula. Exclusive breastfeeding is very difficult and the important thing is is that he is still getting the breastmilk. And if you decide to quit, he'll be just fine. 14 weeks of exclusive breastfeeding, with a toddler is awesome! As to the cost of formula - I know that in the state where I live, there is a program called WIC (woman, infants and children) and depending on your finances, they can help with the cost of formula. And there is no shame in using that program.
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