Occiput Posterior

I had a midwife appointment yesterday. Mostly just the usual stuff - pee in a cup, get weighed (I've gained about 30 lbs now), blood pressure, measure the belly, and listen to the heartbeat. The midwife did ask me if I felt differently this time around and I do - I've been pretty comfortable, very little swelling (only when it's hot), and little pain. The pain I have had goes away pretty quickly. That, combined with where they've been finding the heartbeat and the fact that it doesn't feel like Sprout has dropped (plus feeling my belly) has led them to the conclusion that Sprout is Occiput Posterior. At least s/he is head down, right?

So now I'm supposed to crawl around as much as possible and walk. Crawling on wood floors HURTS though so I've been doing a lot of child's pose from yoga, kneeling and leaning over pillows, that sort of stuff. I don't know if it's helping (it's only been about 24 hrs) but it feels like Sprout is lower today... I'm having pelvic pain and I haven't had that in weeks.

Otherwise, we're still waiting. 6 days until my due date! My next appointment is Thursday and I'm still hoping I'll be in labor before then.

Adventures In Natural Induction

I know. All in due time. It's not up to me as to when Sprout should arrive. But that doesn't mean I can't do things to try to help my body move in the right direction, right? :)

So today I had 2500mg Evening Primrose Oil, we actually DTD (in spite of my being as big as a whale right now!), and I tried out my breast pump for a good 30 minutes of stimulation.

What did that get me? A couple contractions, and that's it. The EPO isn't supposed to help with contractions (or DTD, actually) - it's supposed to help thin and shorten the cervix. And without that being checked by someone who knows what they're doing, there's no way to tell if there has been an improvement. Especially since I haven't been checked yet in this pregnancy - and I'm not pushing for it. You can walk around for weeks dilated at 3cm and being partly effaced and it still makes no difference. Your body will do what it wants to do when it's ready. So rather than add to the stress, I have not asked for any internals to find out that status. But you know what? I'm driving myself crazy anyway. ;)

Maybe it just takes a little longer than a half hour to see a difference? LOL! Wait and see...

Monster Belly!

How much bigger will it get before Sprout finally arrives? At this point with Maggie, I was less than 7 hours away from delivery... no signs of labor today though, in spite of the massive thunderstorms that swept through the area this evening.

What the heck?

What am I doing up at this hour, you may be asking yourself. I'm not in labor, that much I can tell you.

Just can't sleep. I think I will have a hard time with post-partum depression this time, seeing as I'm having issues already with depression. Yesterday was actually better as far as Maggie was concerned, but now hubby is adding to the mix with the grief he's giving me over our expenses. I hate payday, I hate having to ask him for money when I used to make my own, and I hate that he gives me grief over it even though he has enough to pay the difference. Especially since we discussed all of this before I went on maternity leave from my business.

So, now my mind is full thinking about getting a part-time job at night. How many hours I need, how much money I need to make, all that good stuff. Sleep... no time for that. Just need to pay the bills, get the groceries, and keep the car full of gas. Doesn't matter that a SAHM is estimated to already be working 90+ hours a week.

I knew this would happen... And yet, I'm still upset. While Maggie and I don't always see eye-to-eye, I was really enjoying my job as full-time mom. It makes me sad that some of that will be sacrificed in the pursuit of the almighty dollar. But alas, I have no choice...

Reminiscing

38 weeks 4 days today.

At this exact point in my pregnancy with Margaret, I was being admitted to H Hospital for my induction. The first round of Pitocin would be starting around 10PM... and after 31 hours, 2 rounds of Pitocin, breaking my water, an internal monitor, and an epidural at 26 hrs, Margaret came into the world. 5AM June 16, 2005 when I was 38 weeks 6 days pregnant.

It's hard to just sit here and wait this time. No contractions to speak of for days now. No signs of the mucus plug. Sprout still feels pretty high up (not the bowling ball between the legs feeling that I had before Margaret's induction, even!). In fact, aside from the fact that I have a huge belly in the way, I don't even feel pregnant. There's the occasional jab or somersault from the womb, but nothing of the discomfort I had felt in the weeks leading up to my induction with Margaret. It's really quite strange.

So who knows when this kiddo will arrive... Murphy's Law would lean toward this weekend (as MIL is away and she is the one who's supposed to watch Margaret while I have this baby) or May 27, as my family will be on the other side of the state at my cousin's wedding. All I know is, it won't be today.

Can we just skip this next year?

Mother's Day. It's just a holiday created by greeting card companies, right? I think I'm skipping it next year.

Hubby was nice enough to try to let me sleep in, especially since I was up 5 or 6 times last night to pee. He even did a little art project with Maggie, who waited outside the bathroom door when I did get up clutching a card she and her daddy made. But it went downhill from there.

Maggie was, again, cranky. The girl does not sleep enough, doesn't matter if we put her to bed earlier, later, routine or none, she won't sleep. The screaming fits started early so I suggested going to the local nature preserve for a walk. This was the same place where hubby took pregnancy portraits of me when I was 37 weeks 2 days preggo with Maggie. I thought it would be a nice place to go and get some fresh air, maybe get a few pictures of Maggie and me together since we have so few (I'm usually behind the camera lens).

Well, Maggie didn't want to hold my hand. She didn't want me to sit on her bench. She didn't want to hug me. She didn't want me anywhere near her. She even hit me with a stick. It hurt. My feelings, that is. I know she's not being intentionally malicious, but on a day that's supposed to have such significance, it hurt that my of-late clingy toddler wanted only to push me away with a scowl on her face.

As hubby was loading her back in the car, I saw another small family with a young boy around Maggie's age. He was cuddling with his mom, sharing kisses and smiles. I cried.

After that, we went out to eat at Bertucci's. Nothing fancy, but the crankies continued. We hoped she would nap afterwards so we put her in the stroller and walked around the shops. No nap. Though at least she wasn't whining and screaming at the time.

Bought a baby names book from Borders because (yes, it's sad, I know) we still haven't discussed names for Sprout. Then went for a nice Sunday ride. Except she screamed most of the time in the car. And threw things. Then wanted them back. Then threw them again. Screamed some more. All the while, hubby keeps telling me, "There's a reason why they call it terrible 2s." That doesn't help, just makes me feel like a bad person for being upset by it.

At one point, I had had enough rejection and actually asked to get out of the car to walk home. I think we were 10 miles from home.

At the gas station 1 mile from home, hubby tried to take Maggie (to walk home) and leave me the car. I think he meant well, but he was angry with me and kept yelling at me when I said they were not leaving me there at the gas station and that I refused to drive home.

We got home, hubby dumped our stuff inside, then immediately left with Maggie to go for a walk. He said it was to give me a break but he had not been talking very nicely to me and I spent the next 20 minutes bawling. I felt abandoned, rejected, hated, unloved. All on Mother's Day. I didn't want to exist.

Hubby returned and we tried to talk it out... all the while, Maggie was destroying the apartment. And screaming. At least I stopped crying. I tried rocking her to sleep, but she wanted nothing to do with it, in spite of how tired she was. Eventually, we just tried putting her to bed early. Only, she used that as an excuse to destroy her bedroom. I retired to our bedroom on the other side of the house because I couldn't listen to her not sleep when she needs it so much.

An hour and a half later, she finally was asleep. And her room was completely ransacked. I opened the door, saw the mess, and left. I can't deal with it now.

Preggo hormones? I don't know. But it was not a fun day. And I'm not looking forward to yet another day of screaming and whining tomorrow. I don't care if it is normal... there's only so much of that a person can take.

I'm skipping Mother's Day next year.

I Need To Run Away

Far away.

I'm tired of having a toddler who refuses to nap, refuses to sleep a full night, and then takes it out on me.

I'm tired of being screamed at, ignored, and outright disregarded.

I'm tired of having my house ripped apart, of having to say the same rules over and over and over and over and over and over again, knowing I won't be listened to.

I'm tired of paying the price when I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm tired of this crappy apartment with no room, windows I can't open because the neighbors smoke, water coming through my bathroom closet for 3 months now with nobody coming to fix it (even though I was told 2 times it was fixed, and a 3rd time that someone would be coming to fix it), and now waste water leaking in the basement with nobody giving a crap to even do anything about it.

I'm tired. I'm achy. I'm crampy. I'm hot. I'm nauseous. I've had enough.

I was fine 3 days ago.

I want to get away. Far away. For days. Maybe weeks. How about a month? Can I do that? Just to reclaim my sanity? Please?